- How To Read What The Opponents Are Holding........................Lena Cross
- What Is It About My Partner That Makes Her So Special ? .......Janice Saikwar
- A Winning Strategy For Intermediate Players............................P. K. Lott
- He Always Rushing Off To Partner Other Women.......................Fanny Hunter
- Bridge Club Committees Are Usually Full Of Them....................Des Potts
- My Partner's Cancelled Again With Another Lame Excuse.........Ivan Hedake
- To Win At Bridge You Need To Be Resolute And Bold................R. D. Ness
- Anything Goes At The Slaughter House Bridge Club..................Anna Kay Reines
- The Only Guaranteed Way To Win At Bridge.............................Mark Dacardes
- Mastering The Art Of Deception And Cunning.............................Bess T. B. Sligh
Thursday, 5 February 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS FOR UNETHICAL PLAYERS..... ( Suggestions by Pun )
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON EXPOSES HIMSELF AS A DESPICABLE SEXIST
According to the highly controversial bridge blogger , Bigot-Johnson , women are not up to the standard of men and should therefore more segregation is needed.
After years of studying club duplicate results and prestigious open tournaments , The Slaughter House BC chairman has produced a dossier of evidence to prove that performance women players generally was well below that of the men. Consequently , it appeared that women were simply there to make up the numbers , and to offer themselves up as sitting ducks or fish in a barrel.
" Women are , by and large , a lot of hassle in many other ways " , he added. They clutter up the kitchen , get over-emotional even over the smallest incidents , and forever want to talk about their feelings , holidays , and families , instead of much needed changes to their system card, bridge technique , and important/interesting hands.
" I'm not saying that segregation needs to be permanent and final , or anything like that , it's more in keeping with what is happening at top level competitions. Governing bodies both sides of the Atlantic put on special ladies pairs and teams events , but men of course are restricted to enter just the open events ( alongside the women ). If segregation like this occurs in favour of women then why can't the same be rolled out into club duplicates and competitions as well.
Not surprisingly, one lady member of the SHBC was incensed by such a proposal. " This man is nothing more that an ignorant male chauvinist pig , a sexist of the worst kind. To suggest that women are in some way not up to the standard of men beggars belief., when half the women in this club have a higher national grade ranking than this buffoon of a man. He sees us no doubt as a highly desirable source of club income , but completely undesirable as possible partners or team mates. To him lady players are just succubi. "
On hearing this Bigot -Johnson was flabbergasted . So much so , he was determined to have the final word. " Men need to play in an all-male field , where they can be free to enjoy themselves swearing , farting , ribbing each other , and throwing major tantrums .....without fear of being reported or complained about. And what's more the games will involve numerous bitter rivalries , vendettas , and arguments , adding of course a real sharp competitive edge to the proceedings. Men like to engage in vicious bloody battles , and not in namby-pamby zero-tolerance stuff , typical of a day out at a Sunday church garden party. "
According to the highly controversial bridge blogger , Bigot-Johnson , women are not up to the standard of men and should therefore more segregation is needed.
After years of studying club duplicate results and prestigious open tournaments , The Slaughter House BC chairman has produced a dossier of evidence to prove that performance women players generally was well below that of the men. Consequently , it appeared that women were simply there to make up the numbers , and to offer themselves up as sitting ducks or fish in a barrel.
" Women are , by and large , a lot of hassle in many other ways " , he added. They clutter up the kitchen , get over-emotional even over the smallest incidents , and forever want to talk about their feelings , holidays , and families , instead of much needed changes to their system card, bridge technique , and important/interesting hands.
" I'm not saying that segregation needs to be permanent and final , or anything like that , it's more in keeping with what is happening at top level competitions. Governing bodies both sides of the Atlantic put on special ladies pairs and teams events , but men of course are restricted to enter just the open events ( alongside the women ). If segregation like this occurs in favour of women then why can't the same be rolled out into club duplicates and competitions as well.
Not surprisingly, one lady member of the SHBC was incensed by such a proposal. " This man is nothing more that an ignorant male chauvinist pig , a sexist of the worst kind. To suggest that women are in some way not up to the standard of men beggars belief., when half the women in this club have a higher national grade ranking than this buffoon of a man. He sees us no doubt as a highly desirable source of club income , but completely undesirable as possible partners or team mates. To him lady players are just succubi. "
On hearing this Bigot -Johnson was flabbergasted . So much so , he was determined to have the final word. " Men need to play in an all-male field , where they can be free to enjoy themselves swearing , farting , ribbing each other , and throwing major tantrums .....without fear of being reported or complained about. And what's more the games will involve numerous bitter rivalries , vendettas , and arguments , adding of course a real sharp competitive edge to the proceedings. Men like to engage in vicious bloody battles , and not in namby-pamby zero-tolerance stuff , typical of a day out at a Sunday church garden party. "
Sunday, 1 February 2015
NEWSFLASH : RESEARCH SHOWS THAT MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS STRUGGLE WITH LIFE OUTSIDE THE HALLOWED SANCTUARIES OF THEIR BELOVED CLUBS
Male bridge players in particular experience real difficulties in adapting to social situations away from their local bridge clubs. They struggle to communicate and converse with non-bridge players when invited to a social get-together or party.
The big problem for them is their inability to talk on subjects that are not related to bridge. Apart of making the odd glib statement here and there , they quickly run out of conversation . This clearly reflected both a general lack of interest or boredom on issues which have no relevance or meaning in their bridge-dominated lives.
Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found that men , well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , were hard-wired to only focus on ( and be obsessed about ) the bidding and play of problem bridge hands. In some social situations most men appeared quietly confident to be part of , and mix in with , a large group. They would seem happy to be involved in group photos , asking the odd questions , nodding in agreement when required , but always looking to excuse themselves at the first opportunity. However , beneath the veneer of fake bon hommie , they were clearly experiencing both pain and despair . Not surprisingly , all those surveyed admitted to being ill at ease when conversation drifted into the world of art , culture , politics and economics.
Bridge players , programmed to spend all their time waxing lyrical about aspects of the game they love and cherish , are therefore compelled to find ways to steer conversations back into their comfort zone. If unsuccessful , they quietly drift into a comatose state , lost for words , and staring blankly into space. Not surprisingly , they will suddenly switch themselves back on the moment they are asked an open question as to what been happening in their lives. Having previously nothing to say , they would now jump in all guns blazing on a personal bridge-related matter of concern . In other situations , conversations would be steered back towards bridge , by strategically butting in with topic changing bits of gossip.
On rare occasions , one or two of bridge players were actually seen initiating an intellectual non-bridge conversation , in which they volunteered opinions and exchanged views on a subject for up to 3 minutes , before smartly twisting the conversation round to their chosen area of expertise. Others who lacked this particular skill spent most of their time in social groups with an apparent anti-social attitude, by religiously adopting a non-communicative state of mind.
Researchers concluded that male bridge players who found themselves marooned from their clubs floundered helplessly in all other social situations. To suggest they were like fish out of water was by all accounts a gross understatement , given their appalling inability to adapt to different almost alien surroundings.
Male bridge players in particular experience real difficulties in adapting to social situations away from their local bridge clubs. They struggle to communicate and converse with non-bridge players when invited to a social get-together or party.
The big problem for them is their inability to talk on subjects that are not related to bridge. Apart of making the odd glib statement here and there , they quickly run out of conversation . This clearly reflected both a general lack of interest or boredom on issues which have no relevance or meaning in their bridge-dominated lives.
Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found that men , well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , were hard-wired to only focus on ( and be obsessed about ) the bidding and play of problem bridge hands. In some social situations most men appeared quietly confident to be part of , and mix in with , a large group. They would seem happy to be involved in group photos , asking the odd questions , nodding in agreement when required , but always looking to excuse themselves at the first opportunity. However , beneath the veneer of fake bon hommie , they were clearly experiencing both pain and despair . Not surprisingly , all those surveyed admitted to being ill at ease when conversation drifted into the world of art , culture , politics and economics.
Bridge players , programmed to spend all their time waxing lyrical about aspects of the game they love and cherish , are therefore compelled to find ways to steer conversations back into their comfort zone. If unsuccessful , they quietly drift into a comatose state , lost for words , and staring blankly into space. Not surprisingly , they will suddenly switch themselves back on the moment they are asked an open question as to what been happening in their lives. Having previously nothing to say , they would now jump in all guns blazing on a personal bridge-related matter of concern . In other situations , conversations would be steered back towards bridge , by strategically butting in with topic changing bits of gossip.
On rare occasions , one or two of bridge players were actually seen initiating an intellectual non-bridge conversation , in which they volunteered opinions and exchanged views on a subject for up to 3 minutes , before smartly twisting the conversation round to their chosen area of expertise. Others who lacked this particular skill spent most of their time in social groups with an apparent anti-social attitude, by religiously adopting a non-communicative state of mind.
Researchers concluded that male bridge players who found themselves marooned from their clubs floundered helplessly in all other social situations. To suggest they were like fish out of water was by all accounts a gross understatement , given their appalling inability to adapt to different almost alien surroundings.
Thursday, 29 January 2015
THE INVINCIBILITY AND INEVITABILITY OF BIAS IN DECISION MAKING... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
When club committees embark on the difficult task of disciplining alleged wrongdoers , the spectre of bias looms long and large. Personal agendas , emotions , motives and vendettas can quickly replace objectivity , impartiality and fairness.
Can disciplinary committees ever be free from bias ? The answer I'm afraid is an emphatic " No ". Bias is the natural result of every person's self-centrism . Unless a committee member is completely incapacitated by self-doubt , then all those in attendance will be utterly convinced that their beliefs, actions and opinions are absolutely correct at the time.
The caveat " at the time " is an essential part , because all the committee members ( except for those who are pathologically incapable of acknowledging error ) may well come to realise that they have made a mistake , and that their beliefs , actions and/or opinions were wrong. For instance , is sneezing in front of another member a deliberate biological assault or is it an unfortunate instinctive consequence of having a cold ?
What is certain is that our human tendency is to believe the other person is biased , but not to believe that we ourselves are biased. With regards to disciplinary matters , it comes as no surprise to see committee members failing to perceive their own biases , and this regrettably warps their perceptions , judgements and decisions. If the member who sneezed has a track record of being rude and ill-mannered , then his action must be deliberate.
Bias is a sort of " blind spot " in a peoples' thinking : a place where their assurance of being right makes them vulnerable to imagining the world to be different from how it it truly is. As truth has it the sneeze was a reflex response to the cat hair /dust on the victim's clothing. But the thing about blind spots is that we are not aware of them. Our reality is made up of our thinking, assumed beliefs , our own self-awareness and introspection. If a committee member sees things in a jaundiced and particular way , then he/she might well form the view that the alleged member's explanation was without any validity or substance whatsoever , or was nothing more than a woefully limp , insufficient excuse. And should another committee member take a minority view of believing the accused , then he/she " can't see straight " or is just plain unintelligent. By denying our bias we delude ourselves and fail to recognise our susceptibility to deception and self-deception.
It was Mark twain who once said : " It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. " And so it is those cursed blind spots of bias which get people into trouble. Ignorance is merely a need for information or education : error , especially when it is believed wholeheartedly , is a calamity waiting to happen.
Even when evidence of an allergy to cats is presented , which suggests the accused's explanation has both validity and merit , committee members might already have deluded themselves by crediting their motives , intentions , feelings and emotions to fully justify their decision to treat the incident as a biological assault. " We meant well.....our motives were good , and so arrived at a good decision to suspend the member so often guilty of gross misconduct ".
In any disciplinary hearing when contradictory evidence is presented , committee members have a choice to either consider it or ignore it. If the evidence is ignored simply because it conflicts with their pre-formed ( and self-corroborated ) view , then the spectre of bias is clearly present for all objective onlookers to see. Indeed , it is laughable in the extreme to hear people state that they are " not biased " when they clearly are. Yes, everyone is biased to some extent , but when the boundaries have been pushed out by personal prejudices , their particular view of reality will be severely distorted. It's obvious the accused deliberately set out to transfer his snivelling cold onto the person he/she was known to dislike .
Bias influences , shades and slants conscious decisions in ways that we are not aware of at the time. Looking back , some of us can be made aware of how our assurance of correctness can lead to a disaster , but we didn't , or couldn't , see it . Biased thinking , even when others have given out warnings of impending trouble , cannot be altered. Bias tends to be permanently ingrained. Many commentators have talked about " normalcy bias " which causes people to underestimate the possibility of decision leading to a disaster or catastrophe. The consequence of not heeding warnings is of course the failure to prepare for worst case scenarios. The threat of legal action being taken against us ? It wont happen. It'll all blow over " is a classic response , yet again illustrating yet another blind spot. The consequence of underestimating is of course the failure to prepare any contingency plans , or to re-examine their decisions.
Such is the invincibility and inevitability of bias , it never goes away and can never be removed.
Such is the invincibility of bias , ignorance of it and denial become inevitable. And even when people are confronted and made aware of their bias , they inevitably pull out all the stops to rationalize their actions and decisions................
" We were not biased against the member who sneezed but we were biased towards the complainant who was sneezed upon "
"The sneeze may have been innocent but the suspension was justified based on the member's appalling track record of rudeness and inappropriate behaviour. "
" We invested so much time, effort and energy on this matter to admit we were wrong."
"The majority of members backed our decision , which clearly shows we made the right decision."
" I voted for suspension along with committee members who I really trust. They can't all be wrong."
" For the sake of the club , drastic action was called for. Members would have been upset if we had done nothing."
Dreaming up these counter-reality thoughts is without doubt hard work. Consequently, critics who challenge these rationalisations are not appreciated or liked. If one is allowed to trash this counter-reality , the likelihood of destroying their snug, safe sanctuary becomes becomes ever more apparent . Biased people will therefore lash out at those who have the temerity to disagree with them. The Human Condition demands it.
When club committees embark on the difficult task of disciplining alleged wrongdoers , the spectre of bias looms long and large. Personal agendas , emotions , motives and vendettas can quickly replace objectivity , impartiality and fairness.
Can disciplinary committees ever be free from bias ? The answer I'm afraid is an emphatic " No ". Bias is the natural result of every person's self-centrism . Unless a committee member is completely incapacitated by self-doubt , then all those in attendance will be utterly convinced that their beliefs, actions and opinions are absolutely correct at the time.
The caveat " at the time " is an essential part , because all the committee members ( except for those who are pathologically incapable of acknowledging error ) may well come to realise that they have made a mistake , and that their beliefs , actions and/or opinions were wrong. For instance , is sneezing in front of another member a deliberate biological assault or is it an unfortunate instinctive consequence of having a cold ?
What is certain is that our human tendency is to believe the other person is biased , but not to believe that we ourselves are biased. With regards to disciplinary matters , it comes as no surprise to see committee members failing to perceive their own biases , and this regrettably warps their perceptions , judgements and decisions. If the member who sneezed has a track record of being rude and ill-mannered , then his action must be deliberate.
Bias is a sort of " blind spot " in a peoples' thinking : a place where their assurance of being right makes them vulnerable to imagining the world to be different from how it it truly is. As truth has it the sneeze was a reflex response to the cat hair /dust on the victim's clothing. But the thing about blind spots is that we are not aware of them. Our reality is made up of our thinking, assumed beliefs , our own self-awareness and introspection. If a committee member sees things in a jaundiced and particular way , then he/she might well form the view that the alleged member's explanation was without any validity or substance whatsoever , or was nothing more than a woefully limp , insufficient excuse. And should another committee member take a minority view of believing the accused , then he/she " can't see straight " or is just plain unintelligent. By denying our bias we delude ourselves and fail to recognise our susceptibility to deception and self-deception.
It was Mark twain who once said : " It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. " And so it is those cursed blind spots of bias which get people into trouble. Ignorance is merely a need for information or education : error , especially when it is believed wholeheartedly , is a calamity waiting to happen.
Even when evidence of an allergy to cats is presented , which suggests the accused's explanation has both validity and merit , committee members might already have deluded themselves by crediting their motives , intentions , feelings and emotions to fully justify their decision to treat the incident as a biological assault. " We meant well.....our motives were good , and so arrived at a good decision to suspend the member so often guilty of gross misconduct ".
In any disciplinary hearing when contradictory evidence is presented , committee members have a choice to either consider it or ignore it. If the evidence is ignored simply because it conflicts with their pre-formed ( and self-corroborated ) view , then the spectre of bias is clearly present for all objective onlookers to see. Indeed , it is laughable in the extreme to hear people state that they are " not biased " when they clearly are. Yes, everyone is biased to some extent , but when the boundaries have been pushed out by personal prejudices , their particular view of reality will be severely distorted. It's obvious the accused deliberately set out to transfer his snivelling cold onto the person he/she was known to dislike .
Bias influences , shades and slants conscious decisions in ways that we are not aware of at the time. Looking back , some of us can be made aware of how our assurance of correctness can lead to a disaster , but we didn't , or couldn't , see it . Biased thinking , even when others have given out warnings of impending trouble , cannot be altered. Bias tends to be permanently ingrained. Many commentators have talked about " normalcy bias " which causes people to underestimate the possibility of decision leading to a disaster or catastrophe. The consequence of not heeding warnings is of course the failure to prepare for worst case scenarios. The threat of legal action being taken against us ? It wont happen. It'll all blow over " is a classic response , yet again illustrating yet another blind spot. The consequence of underestimating is of course the failure to prepare any contingency plans , or to re-examine their decisions.
Such is the invincibility and inevitability of bias , it never goes away and can never be removed.
Such is the invincibility of bias , ignorance of it and denial become inevitable. And even when people are confronted and made aware of their bias , they inevitably pull out all the stops to rationalize their actions and decisions................
" We were not biased against the member who sneezed but we were biased towards the complainant who was sneezed upon "
"The sneeze may have been innocent but the suspension was justified based on the member's appalling track record of rudeness and inappropriate behaviour. "
" We invested so much time, effort and energy on this matter to admit we were wrong."
"The majority of members backed our decision , which clearly shows we made the right decision."
" I voted for suspension along with committee members who I really trust. They can't all be wrong."
" For the sake of the club , drastic action was called for. Members would have been upset if we had done nothing."
Dreaming up these counter-reality thoughts is without doubt hard work. Consequently, critics who challenge these rationalisations are not appreciated or liked. If one is allowed to trash this counter-reality , the likelihood of destroying their snug, safe sanctuary becomes becomes ever more apparent . Biased people will therefore lash out at those who have the temerity to disagree with them. The Human Condition demands it.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Sunday, 25 January 2015
ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM THE PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SHUKELGRUBER....
( Entitled the " Here Comes The Preacher Man " in dedication to all those I-know-best-love-my own-voice self-proclaimed experts who terrorise members in every bridge club you care to name )
Here comes the preacher man
He's always here
He's always there
He's always bloody everywhere
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
He gets through the gears
To hammer your ears
To heighten your fears
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He sees bridge as a sport
Where nous can be taught
Where he can hold court
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He's ready to tail you
He's looking to nail you
Then publicly flail you
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
Words loaded with spite
Pushing wisdom that's shite
He tells what's right
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
No where to hide
Hope's all but died
I'm gonna get fried
By this man in the long dark coat
( Entitled the " Here Comes The Preacher Man " in dedication to all those I-know-best-love-my own-voice self-proclaimed experts who terrorise members in every bridge club you care to name )
Here comes the preacher man
He's always here
He's always there
He's always bloody everywhere
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
He gets through the gears
To hammer your ears
To heighten your fears
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He sees bridge as a sport
Where nous can be taught
Where he can hold court
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He's ready to tail you
He's looking to nail you
Then publicly flail you
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
Words loaded with spite
Pushing wisdom that's shite
He tells what's right
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
No where to hide
Hope's all but died
I'm gonna get fried
By this man in the long dark coat
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............
Dear Rebecca ,
I was partnering the Northern Pro , when he picked up AQ7654.....AK4.....Q.....843. Not surprisingly he opened 1S , which was followed by a pass from my RHO.
I held 32....QJ1052....J94....K95 and under our system I was obliged to bid 1NT denying a 10+ HCP hand. However my LHO vulnerable overcalled 3D which ended the auction.
The Northern Pro then turned on me to ask why I didn't come in with 3H , seemingly laying the blame on me for missing a rigid game in hearts with 10 easy tricks there for the taking. Opponents were at best restricted to just 3 winners , with the Ace of clubs ,Ace of Diamonds along with a safety play first round duck in spades.
The King of spades was onside , and both major suits were breaking 3-2. The club king was sitting over the Ace , and consequently a losing club was going away either on an established diamond or spade trick.
So was the Northern Pro right in his assessment as to where the blame lay.
Yours feeling particularly unconvinced ,
Dan Virdcross
Dear Dan ,
I believe the Northern Pro was at fault for not reopening with a double. This way he could show more than a minimum opening hand , and a willingness to play in spades with little help from yourself.
If of course you bid hearts showing five , he will have no problem bidding four. On reflection you had nothing more than what your 1NT bid suggested , but The Northern Pro's extra points and 6 card spade suit certainly demanded another bid from him.
Yours clearly on your side ,
Rebecca Rood
Dear Rebecca ,
I was partnering the Northern Pro , when he picked up AQ7654.....AK4.....Q.....843. Not surprisingly he opened 1S , which was followed by a pass from my RHO.
I held 32....QJ1052....J94....K95 and under our system I was obliged to bid 1NT denying a 10+ HCP hand. However my LHO vulnerable overcalled 3D which ended the auction.
The Northern Pro then turned on me to ask why I didn't come in with 3H , seemingly laying the blame on me for missing a rigid game in hearts with 10 easy tricks there for the taking. Opponents were at best restricted to just 3 winners , with the Ace of clubs ,Ace of Diamonds along with a safety play first round duck in spades.
The King of spades was onside , and both major suits were breaking 3-2. The club king was sitting over the Ace , and consequently a losing club was going away either on an established diamond or spade trick.
So was the Northern Pro right in his assessment as to where the blame lay.
Yours feeling particularly unconvinced ,
Dan Virdcross
Dear Dan ,
I believe the Northern Pro was at fault for not reopening with a double. This way he could show more than a minimum opening hand , and a willingness to play in spades with little help from yourself.
If of course you bid hearts showing five , he will have no problem bidding four. On reflection you had nothing more than what your 1NT bid suggested , but The Northern Pro's extra points and 6 card spade suit certainly demanded another bid from him.
Yours clearly on your side ,
Rebecca Rood
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : APPLICATIONS FOR MEMBERSHIP AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB TRIPLE OVERNIGHT........
Bigot-Johnson's new
compulsory dress code
for ladies under 40 years
of age immediately led to
an enormous increase in
male members. This is in
sharp contrast to the
declining membership
as experienced by the
nearby B-9 Bridge Club ,
renown for its zero
tolerance fun destroying
policies.
compulsory dress code
for ladies under 40 years
of age immediately led to
an enormous increase in
male members. This is in
sharp contrast to the
declining membership
as experienced by the
nearby B-9 Bridge Club ,
renown for its zero
tolerance fun destroying
policies.
Friday, 16 January 2015
LAW REPORT ( "X" rated material not suitable for adults with sensitive dispositions ) : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON 2015
In this landmark case Bigot-Johnson was brought before the Crown Court charged with the crime of bestiality. Not surprisingly he venomously denied the charge , and was so confident about his innocence he decided to conduct his own defence. The following extract has been taken from the trial's transcript , which for many proved to be too shocking and harrowing to read in full.
Prosecuting counsel ( PC ) : Bestiality is defined as sexual relations between a human being and an animal. In fact many devout Christians regard this heinous act as a crime against nature
B-J : I'm innocent....
PC : I put it to this court that Bigot is guilty of this crime......a most despicable , depraved , perverted act........one so often associated with inbred Welsh mountain sheep farmers....
B-J : I'm innocent.....why I'm a respectable married man with a devoted and loving wife , two well grounded children and three adorable grand-children. I'm a blogger of distinction, a former law lecturer, carer and pinball enthusiast.
PC : Well, let me ask you this Bigot .....have you ever engaged in extra-marital affairs with lady members of your club
B-J : I can't say "no" to that question....
PC : I'm not surprised given the thirteen witness statements I have in front of me
B-J : Tip of the iceberg.....
PC : So you admit to bit of sporran dabbling here and there with ladies ....who obviously have poor judgement and an obliging nature
B-J : Mmm....yes.....I do recall a little bit of hanky panky on several occasions....and of course
happy moments of lustful play and indulgence
PC : But is it also true that you.... constantly and repeatedly ...... refer to the female members in your club as " cheating dogs "
B-J : Yes
PC : And on many others occasions as " clueless rabbits "
B-J : Yes..
PC : Several times as " chimps "
B-J : Yes...
PC : Other times as " timid mice "
B-J : Yes..
PC : And on occasions as " sly old foxes "
B-J : Yes...yes...yes
PC : So I take it then you perceive and define all lady members......even your partners.......as animals of one kind or another
B-J : I guess so
PC : Therefore.....on those occasions you were engaged in extra-marital activities , you had it your mind you were performing sex with an animal of one shape or form
B-J : You could say that.....especially when they turn into tigers
PC : Well that to me establishes the mens rea of the crime.....and so with the sexual act itself ...the actus rear....oops sorry....the actus reus....all this adds up to one inescapaable conclusion.....Bigot you're as guilty as hell
Judge : I'm shocked.....your sexist attitudes have so corrupted your mind , you have clearly sunk to an appalling degenerate level......the courtroom has been stunned into silence. What should have been a loving .....albeit adulterous.....acts between two human beings was sadly converted into acts of bestiality. What pray God do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Well , your Honour... since I am happy to acknowledge and accept my intentions as " beastly aforethought ", which along with my odious reputation as " a loathsome beast who bull shits his way through life " ..... I cannot therefore be guilty of this crime
Judge : How come ?
B-J : Because.....by ceasing to be a decent human being .....a person of any worth or standing....I have become a beast. Consequently , the human requirement for this crime is clearly missing. And if you consider the ladies as fulfilling the human requirement and me being the beast, then it is they who should be on trial.....and not me
Judge : My God....you're right....case dismissed
In this landmark case Bigot-Johnson was brought before the Crown Court charged with the crime of bestiality. Not surprisingly he venomously denied the charge , and was so confident about his innocence he decided to conduct his own defence. The following extract has been taken from the trial's transcript , which for many proved to be too shocking and harrowing to read in full.
Prosecuting counsel ( PC ) : Bestiality is defined as sexual relations between a human being and an animal. In fact many devout Christians regard this heinous act as a crime against nature
B-J : I'm innocent....
PC : I put it to this court that Bigot is guilty of this crime......a most despicable , depraved , perverted act........one so often associated with inbred Welsh mountain sheep farmers....
B-J : I'm innocent.....why I'm a respectable married man with a devoted and loving wife , two well grounded children and three adorable grand-children. I'm a blogger of distinction, a former law lecturer, carer and pinball enthusiast.
PC : Well, let me ask you this Bigot .....have you ever engaged in extra-marital affairs with lady members of your club
B-J : I can't say "no" to that question....
PC : I'm not surprised given the thirteen witness statements I have in front of me
B-J : Tip of the iceberg.....
PC : So you admit to bit of sporran dabbling here and there with ladies ....who obviously have poor judgement and an obliging nature
B-J : Mmm....yes.....I do recall a little bit of hanky panky on several occasions....and of course
happy moments of lustful play and indulgence
PC : But is it also true that you.... constantly and repeatedly ...... refer to the female members in your club as " cheating dogs "
B-J : Yes
PC : And on many others occasions as " clueless rabbits "
B-J : Yes..
PC : Several times as " chimps "
B-J : Yes...
PC : Other times as " timid mice "
B-J : Yes..
PC : And on occasions as " sly old foxes "
B-J : Yes...yes...yes
PC : So I take it then you perceive and define all lady members......even your partners.......as animals of one kind or another
B-J : I guess so
PC : Therefore.....on those occasions you were engaged in extra-marital activities , you had it your mind you were performing sex with an animal of one shape or form
B-J : You could say that.....especially when they turn into tigers
PC : Well that to me establishes the mens rea of the crime.....and so with the sexual act itself ...the actus rear....oops sorry....the actus reus....all this adds up to one inescapaable conclusion.....Bigot you're as guilty as hell
Judge : I'm shocked.....your sexist attitudes have so corrupted your mind , you have clearly sunk to an appalling degenerate level......the courtroom has been stunned into silence. What should have been a loving .....albeit adulterous.....acts between two human beings was sadly converted into acts of bestiality. What pray God do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Well , your Honour... since I am happy to acknowledge and accept my intentions as " beastly aforethought ", which along with my odious reputation as " a loathsome beast who bull shits his way through life " ..... I cannot therefore be guilty of this crime
Judge : How come ?
B-J : Because.....by ceasing to be a decent human being .....a person of any worth or standing....I have become a beast. Consequently , the human requirement for this crime is clearly missing. And if you consider the ladies as fulfilling the human requirement and me being the beast, then it is they who should be on trial.....and not me
Judge : My God....you're right....case dismissed
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH MIGHT TICKLE YOUR FANCY.....
( Research by Pun )
( Research by Pun )
- Why's Your Partner Always Rushing Off To The Loo ?.............Kent E. Waite
- I'm So Sorry But I Can't Play Bridge Tonight............................Ivan Ed Hake
- Certain Aspect Of Bridge Completely Baffle Me.......................Janice Saiquar
- I Think Bridge Is On Its Way Back..........................................Renee Sance
- Make A Mistake Partner And Pay The Price.............................Tanya Hyde
- Make Another Mistake And Guess What Happens...................Tanya Hydigan
- I Lost Out On A Trophy In The Worst Possible Way...................T.D. Rouling
- As Gay Bridge Players Go He's One To Watch Out For...........Dick Fondler
- Let Me Tell You My Partner Is Utterly Clueless.........................M.T. Hedded
- Partner I Always Get Nervous Playing Against These Two.......Denise R. Nockin
- After Twenty Long Years I've Finally Won A Duplicate..............Phil Len Goode
- Partner , Just For Once Play The Cards Quickly......................Ann May Kaleed
Monday, 12 January 2015
Sunday, 11 January 2015
IN DEFENCE OF SATIRE........
As a blog writer and wannabe satirist , I feel obliged to come up with a particular take on the unpleasant aspects of life in the world of bridge , which continue to corrupt this beautiful beautiful game loved and cherished by so many of us.
Writing spoof articles is for me a real cathartic experience . The process provides me with an outlet for my anger. In fact it is anger which drives me to carry on . Anger which has been fuelled by dishonesty , disrespect , snobbery , elitism , hypocrisy , prejudice, ignorance and injustice.
I regard satire as a non-ranting form of criticism and condemnation. It is a civilised way of mocking either those who deserve to be scorned , or those who have behaved like clowns by making complete fools of themselves. There's is nothing morally wrong with offending people who have offended or harmed others , by their cruel , reckless and unjust acts. Indeed , one effective way to highlight wrongdoings is to ridicule those responsible by means of lampoonery , ridicule and politically incorrect cartoons. Satire is without doubt the art of getting people to see the truth by means of comic exaggeration and hyperbole.
In practice I am exercising my right to free speech . If I get people to think about things the way I think , then perhaps I can get them to see that so much of the dark reality , lurking inside the world of bridge , tragically belongs in the theatre of the absurd. In time I hope that bridge players will view my blog not as insane drivel or vindictive ( even toxic ) material , but as a testament to the truth about the Human Condition : the tragic limitations , shortcomings and failings of the human species of which , regretfully , I am also a member.
Satire is therefore a genuine and well-meaning attempt to make the pills of hard bitter truths easier to swallow and digest.
As a blog writer and wannabe satirist , I feel obliged to come up with a particular take on the unpleasant aspects of life in the world of bridge , which continue to corrupt this beautiful beautiful game loved and cherished by so many of us.
Writing spoof articles is for me a real cathartic experience . The process provides me with an outlet for my anger. In fact it is anger which drives me to carry on . Anger which has been fuelled by dishonesty , disrespect , snobbery , elitism , hypocrisy , prejudice, ignorance and injustice.
I regard satire as a non-ranting form of criticism and condemnation. It is a civilised way of mocking either those who deserve to be scorned , or those who have behaved like clowns by making complete fools of themselves. There's is nothing morally wrong with offending people who have offended or harmed others , by their cruel , reckless and unjust acts. Indeed , one effective way to highlight wrongdoings is to ridicule those responsible by means of lampoonery , ridicule and politically incorrect cartoons. Satire is without doubt the art of getting people to see the truth by means of comic exaggeration and hyperbole.
In practice I am exercising my right to free speech . If I get people to think about things the way I think , then perhaps I can get them to see that so much of the dark reality , lurking inside the world of bridge , tragically belongs in the theatre of the absurd. In time I hope that bridge players will view my blog not as insane drivel or vindictive ( even toxic ) material , but as a testament to the truth about the Human Condition : the tragic limitations , shortcomings and failings of the human species of which , regretfully , I am also a member.
Satire is therefore a genuine and well-meaning attempt to make the pills of hard bitter truths easier to swallow and digest.
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Friday, 9 January 2015
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : 80% OF MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS ARE SHAMELESS SEXIST TOSSERS
In a recent survey the majority of male bridge players revealed themselves to either mean and nasty racists, or vain , self-absorbed sexists. Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found over three quarters of male players were prejudiced on issues of class , race and gender.
This made very difficult for lady players to get on with them in the boiler room atmosphere of a highly competitive bridge arena. The head of the research team ,Tanya Hydigan, said " playing with or against men is a very difficult situation to handle. They either want to show off or blow off. Indeed , their complete lack of social awareness beggars belief. I genuinely believe that men are well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , completely unaware of the social norms , etiquette, manners and protocol that women believe are so important in life.
May be it is not their fault but rather they are the hapless victims of nature's cruel tricks , which have certainly inflicted upon them unpleasant obsessive compulsive disorders and introverted personalities. Bridge is a world where they can mix with the opposite sex , but have nothing to do with them. Male bridge players only have one objective in mind , and that is to win at all costs. "
However , the survey's findings did not go down at all well with a rather irate Bigot-Johnson. In fact he was incensed. " No way do I believe any of this drivel. As an intelligent man , who craves for challenge and excitement , I'm torn between my instinctive passion for bridge, and my overwhelming desire to do the things that please me most All this of course without interfering women saying otherwise. To say I'm a sexist , male chauvinistic pig , is an outrage. I can't help it if I only love bridge. And yes I have been known to take a few minutes out here and there to enjoy a bit sex, but thankfully all that takes place when bridge clubs are closed up for the night.
What one must recognise is that bridge is both a civilised and ritualised form of non-physical combat ( although I must admit to giving inept lady partners a right good shaking every now and again ) . Moreover , bridge is all about participating in a psychological and intellectual battle against all manner of opponents. One makes no exception if the opponents happen to be women. For me the game is about establishing my superiority over women , which of course I do with effortless and ruthless regularity. "
In a recent survey the majority of male bridge players revealed themselves to either mean and nasty racists, or vain , self-absorbed sexists. Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found over three quarters of male players were prejudiced on issues of class , race and gender.
This made very difficult for lady players to get on with them in the boiler room atmosphere of a highly competitive bridge arena. The head of the research team ,Tanya Hydigan, said " playing with or against men is a very difficult situation to handle. They either want to show off or blow off. Indeed , their complete lack of social awareness beggars belief. I genuinely believe that men are well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , completely unaware of the social norms , etiquette, manners and protocol that women believe are so important in life.
May be it is not their fault but rather they are the hapless victims of nature's cruel tricks , which have certainly inflicted upon them unpleasant obsessive compulsive disorders and introverted personalities. Bridge is a world where they can mix with the opposite sex , but have nothing to do with them. Male bridge players only have one objective in mind , and that is to win at all costs. "
However , the survey's findings did not go down at all well with a rather irate Bigot-Johnson. In fact he was incensed. " No way do I believe any of this drivel. As an intelligent man , who craves for challenge and excitement , I'm torn between my instinctive passion for bridge, and my overwhelming desire to do the things that please me most All this of course without interfering women saying otherwise. To say I'm a sexist , male chauvinistic pig , is an outrage. I can't help it if I only love bridge. And yes I have been known to take a few minutes out here and there to enjoy a bit sex, but thankfully all that takes place when bridge clubs are closed up for the night.
What one must recognise is that bridge is both a civilised and ritualised form of non-physical combat ( although I must admit to giving inept lady partners a right good shaking every now and again ) . Moreover , bridge is all about participating in a psychological and intellectual battle against all manner of opponents. One makes no exception if the opponents happen to be women. For me the game is about establishing my superiority over women , which of course I do with effortless and ruthless regularity. "
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Saturday, 3 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : SHORT BRIDGE PLAYERS REALLY ARE INFERIOR SAYS A RECENT SURVEY REPORT
In a startling and devastating report , commissioned by The Institute Of Pointless Studies , bridge players of restricted height were shocked to learn their taller counterparts possessed superior skills to them , in every aspect of the game.
The report , entitled " It helps to be tall " clearly established beyond all reasonable doubt , that men were definitely superior to women , and that taller players outplayed and outranked their smaller partners and/or opponents. Part of the explanation stems from the psychological stigma which short players experience : the shameful embarrassment of having to sit on chairs stacked high with cushions.
Bigot-Johnson , the six foot two chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, claims his height has helped him immensely to become a successful player. He emphatically agreed that every one of the report's negative assumptions about short players turned out to be true.
" I have noticed that all my height-deprived partners are short in so many other ways : short-sighted , short on ideas , short of breath , short on patience , and short of common sense. In short , they are useless. Being tall certainly enables me to undertake information gathering techniques my stunted partners can't : the ability to look over the shoulders of players sitting on nearby tables , and to lean sideways in a casual unnoticeable manner so as to obtain a better view of things. "
The report goes on to suggest that short players should be restricted from attending top grade events , if only to avoid the problem of tall players tripping up over them when rushing to the bar.
Yet the most shocking finding was that for every inch a player is under the 5 foot eight benchmark , he or she loses another 10% in terms of talent and ability. Conversely , for every inch over this figure players can add another 10% to their ability quotient. So the reality turns out to be a simple one : if you want to achieve a higher position in the final placings , you must find yourself a tall partner and pray that you meet a succession of dwarfs and short-arsed opponents.
In a startling and devastating report , commissioned by The Institute Of Pointless Studies , bridge players of restricted height were shocked to learn their taller counterparts possessed superior skills to them , in every aspect of the game.
The report , entitled " It helps to be tall " clearly established beyond all reasonable doubt , that men were definitely superior to women , and that taller players outplayed and outranked their smaller partners and/or opponents. Part of the explanation stems from the psychological stigma which short players experience : the shameful embarrassment of having to sit on chairs stacked high with cushions.
Bigot-Johnson , the six foot two chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, claims his height has helped him immensely to become a successful player. He emphatically agreed that every one of the report's negative assumptions about short players turned out to be true.
" I have noticed that all my height-deprived partners are short in so many other ways : short-sighted , short on ideas , short of breath , short on patience , and short of common sense. In short , they are useless. Being tall certainly enables me to undertake information gathering techniques my stunted partners can't : the ability to look over the shoulders of players sitting on nearby tables , and to lean sideways in a casual unnoticeable manner so as to obtain a better view of things. "
The report goes on to suggest that short players should be restricted from attending top grade events , if only to avoid the problem of tall players tripping up over them when rushing to the bar.
Yet the most shocking finding was that for every inch a player is under the 5 foot eight benchmark , he or she loses another 10% in terms of talent and ability. Conversely , for every inch over this figure players can add another 10% to their ability quotient. So the reality turns out to be a simple one : if you want to achieve a higher position in the final placings , you must find yourself a tall partner and pray that you meet a succession of dwarfs and short-arsed opponents.
Friday, 2 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : SOARING MEMBERSHIP NUMBERS AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMES DOWN TO THE FACT PLAYERS CAN SMOKE WEED WHILE THEY PLAY
The Slaughter House is now the most popular bridge club in the whole of the UK , simply because cannabis smoking has been encouraged and endorsed by Bigot-Johnson and his cronies on the committee.
Following a survey by the Doncaster Gazette , the club was described as a financial success, over-flowing with liquid assets : a little pot of gold in fact. Its Amsterdam-like tolerance to marijuana has brought bridge a much needed and revived popularity , with membership applications out-stripping available seats. However, despite the club's huge success , news of it has yet to appear in the EBU's website , newsletters and monthly magazines.
Mustapha Drag , who recently moved to the area from Pakistan , said " I first came to the club to learn the game in order to be in a position to attend private bridge parties with my rotary club friends. Not surprisingly I couldn't help but notice the rich aromatic smell that drifted through the building. From that moment on I was hooked onto duplicate bridge. Although the committee members and TDs did a lot of stalking around , they clearly didn't give a toss.Since then I , like so many others, turn up to play bridge every night of the week. The bidding of course is hellishly random , and the play of the cards is all over the place. But no one cares about the damn scores , except for the one which is being lit up next.
The whole bridge experience is mind-blowingly beautiful. There's never any altercations or temper tantrums , with everyone deliriously happy and full of joy. Whenever I look my cute-arsed female partner I see her beam with delight."
The Gazette reporter himself found the atmosphere totally intoxicating and blissful. So even though there was a huge mix of people of different ages , race and class , the only segregation he noticed was based on perceived levels of psychosis affecting the members. This phenomenon has now provided local university students with valuable research material for their essays on the " The short and long term consequences of excessive smoking and/or exposure to skunk ".
On a final note , when the chairman Bigot-Johnson was asked if he could accommodate more members , he admitted with deep regret that he was " completely spaced out ".
The Slaughter House is now the most popular bridge club in the whole of the UK , simply because cannabis smoking has been encouraged and endorsed by Bigot-Johnson and his cronies on the committee.
Following a survey by the Doncaster Gazette , the club was described as a financial success, over-flowing with liquid assets : a little pot of gold in fact. Its Amsterdam-like tolerance to marijuana has brought bridge a much needed and revived popularity , with membership applications out-stripping available seats. However, despite the club's huge success , news of it has yet to appear in the EBU's website , newsletters and monthly magazines.
Mustapha Drag , who recently moved to the area from Pakistan , said " I first came to the club to learn the game in order to be in a position to attend private bridge parties with my rotary club friends. Not surprisingly I couldn't help but notice the rich aromatic smell that drifted through the building. From that moment on I was hooked onto duplicate bridge. Although the committee members and TDs did a lot of stalking around , they clearly didn't give a toss.Since then I , like so many others, turn up to play bridge every night of the week. The bidding of course is hellishly random , and the play of the cards is all over the place. But no one cares about the damn scores , except for the one which is being lit up next.
The whole bridge experience is mind-blowingly beautiful. There's never any altercations or temper tantrums , with everyone deliriously happy and full of joy. Whenever I look my cute-arsed female partner I see her beam with delight."
The Gazette reporter himself found the atmosphere totally intoxicating and blissful. So even though there was a huge mix of people of different ages , race and class , the only segregation he noticed was based on perceived levels of psychosis affecting the members. This phenomenon has now provided local university students with valuable research material for their essays on the " The short and long term consequences of excessive smoking and/or exposure to skunk ".
On a final note , when the chairman Bigot-Johnson was asked if he could accommodate more members , he admitted with deep regret that he was " completely spaced out ".
Thursday, 1 January 2015
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Monday, 29 December 2014
NOW I'VE SEEN IT ALL.......... ( Feature article by Ima Wright -Tosser )
The other night I turned up as a guest at the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Run , owned and managed By Howard Bigot-Johnson. And let me tell you the Hell Fire Club would have resembled a monastery compared to this place. To say anything goes off here would be a gross understatement , with players of both sexes behaving like thugs and hooligans. The things I saw being thrown across the room left be speechless...... as well as ducking for cover. This wasn't just the bizarre world of modern day bridge but a battlefield in an extremely dangerous war zone. Items I saw players throw included ....
The other night I turned up as a guest at the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Run , owned and managed By Howard Bigot-Johnson. And let me tell you the Hell Fire Club would have resembled a monastery compared to this place. To say anything goes off here would be a gross understatement , with players of both sexes behaving like thugs and hooligans. The things I saw being thrown across the room left be speechless...... as well as ducking for cover. This wasn't just the bizarre world of modern day bridge but a battlefield in an extremely dangerous war zone. Items I saw players throw included ....
- towels
- tantrums , fits and paddies
- all manner of glances , mostly menacing
- massive wobblies
- rule books
- cold water ( on decent suggestions and ideas )
- bridgemates
- huge dollops of dirt ( on all and sundry )
- punches
- insults ( by the dozen )
- money on lost causes
- salt on someone else's game
- babies along with the bath water
- caution to the wind
- one's weight around
But I must say that this was bridge which had me on the edge of my seat , for the longest and most amazing white knuckle ride of my life.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : FMD ( APHTHAE EPIZOOTICAE )
FMD is a rare form of foot and mouth disease affecting humans , where victims are often referred to as foul mouthed devils. Bridge clubs unfortunately are notorious for being the breeding grounds for this particular human strain of the virus. Victims develop devil like characteristics, along with cloven-hoofed feet , such as spewing out bile and abuse to anyone who dares upset or annoy them.
Infected players develop an unwavering desire to put their feet right in it , by opening their mouths once too often , screaming obscenities and accusations to all and sundry. As a consequence of relentless screaming and shouting , victims' mouths become badly blistered. In some cases the constant foot stomping results in ruptures and acute lameness.
FMD is beginning to have severe implications for the club's finances, since being a highly infectious virus it causes widespread fear and panic to those who free of any symptoms. With clubs seeing unaffected members leave in their droves , table numbers have plummeted well below their break-even points.
The virus responsible for the disease is a piconavirus , the prototypic member of the genus aphthovirus. Infection occurs when the virus particle is taken into a cell of the host. The cell is then forced to manufacture thousands of copies of the virus , and eventually bursts , releasing the new particles into the blood. The virus can be transmitted in a number of ways , including body-contact with carriers , handling contaminated cards , and being over-powered by blasts of hot-air abuse bellowing out from victims' mouths
Control measures involve vaccines and quarantine. In extreme cases sufferers need to be put down or banished completely from the bridge playing areas. Government compensation schemes are in place to help off-set the costs incurred.
FMD is a rare form of foot and mouth disease affecting humans , where victims are often referred to as foul mouthed devils. Bridge clubs unfortunately are notorious for being the breeding grounds for this particular human strain of the virus. Victims develop devil like characteristics, along with cloven-hoofed feet , such as spewing out bile and abuse to anyone who dares upset or annoy them.
Infected players develop an unwavering desire to put their feet right in it , by opening their mouths once too often , screaming obscenities and accusations to all and sundry. As a consequence of relentless screaming and shouting , victims' mouths become badly blistered. In some cases the constant foot stomping results in ruptures and acute lameness.
FMD is beginning to have severe implications for the club's finances, since being a highly infectious virus it causes widespread fear and panic to those who free of any symptoms. With clubs seeing unaffected members leave in their droves , table numbers have plummeted well below their break-even points.
The virus responsible for the disease is a piconavirus , the prototypic member of the genus aphthovirus. Infection occurs when the virus particle is taken into a cell of the host. The cell is then forced to manufacture thousands of copies of the virus , and eventually bursts , releasing the new particles into the blood. The virus can be transmitted in a number of ways , including body-contact with carriers , handling contaminated cards , and being over-powered by blasts of hot-air abuse bellowing out from victims' mouths
Control measures involve vaccines and quarantine. In extreme cases sufferers need to be put down or banished completely from the bridge playing areas. Government compensation schemes are in place to help off-set the costs incurred.
Saturday, 27 December 2014
Friday, 26 December 2014
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
NOT SO LONG AGO..............
I challenged the committee's decision , not only with regards to a ruling , but also the manner and way by which it had been reached. From where I was standing , I thought significant mistakes had been made , which reflected a complete lack of rational thinking.
When I voiced my concerns I was both shocked and perturbed as to why none of them had been acknowledged or accepted as deserving further discussion or debate. I asked the chairman why my views have been dismissed as irrelevant , and the reply I received left me speechless : " No one else on the committee agreed with you ".
" Excuse me......but I'm a mathematician ......and I know two plus two does not equal five "
" Well , five is the answer we all wanted....five is the answer we were all happy with....and five is the answer we are all determined to keep "
" But the method you used to get the answer is flawed "
" The method we used clearly served its purpose since it ended up with five "
" But you must all be blind to the fact that there is no sound logic or reasoning to justify such an outcome "
" Might is right..... so logic and reasoning don't come into it....... moreover , by allowing bias and prejudice to dictate the process , we can make two plus two equal number we like in any manner or way we see fit. "
And so in that short exchange of words , the perplexing problem of The Human Condition was revealed : no matter what merit , truth and validity may exist in an argument , if it threatens to undermine one's pre-judgement and/or firmly held belief then it must be ignored or treated with contempt.
I introduced an elephant into the committee room that day. As far as I know it is still there waiting for someone to finally see sense , and recognise the error of their ways.
I challenged the committee's decision , not only with regards to a ruling , but also the manner and way by which it had been reached. From where I was standing , I thought significant mistakes had been made , which reflected a complete lack of rational thinking.
When I voiced my concerns I was both shocked and perturbed as to why none of them had been acknowledged or accepted as deserving further discussion or debate. I asked the chairman why my views have been dismissed as irrelevant , and the reply I received left me speechless : " No one else on the committee agreed with you ".
" Excuse me......but I'm a mathematician ......and I know two plus two does not equal five "
" Well , five is the answer we all wanted....five is the answer we were all happy with....and five is the answer we are all determined to keep "
" But the method you used to get the answer is flawed "
" The method we used clearly served its purpose since it ended up with five "
" But you must all be blind to the fact that there is no sound logic or reasoning to justify such an outcome "
" Might is right..... so logic and reasoning don't come into it....... moreover , by allowing bias and prejudice to dictate the process , we can make two plus two equal number we like in any manner or way we see fit. "
And so in that short exchange of words , the perplexing problem of The Human Condition was revealed : no matter what merit , truth and validity may exist in an argument , if it threatens to undermine one's pre-judgement and/or firmly held belief then it must be ignored or treated with contempt.
I introduced an elephant into the committee room that day. As far as I know it is still there waiting for someone to finally see sense , and recognise the error of their ways.
Monday, 22 December 2014
Sunday, 21 December 2014
Saturday, 20 December 2014
Thursday, 18 December 2014
WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE PURSUE A PREVENTION-IS-BETTER-THAN-CURE POLICY......
" On your behalf........we passed an anti-cat exclusion
policy at our last meeting....only applicants with mousey
credentials will be considered for membership......any
objections ?
( Footnote : For the benefit of readers " mousey " credentials include
the following....
beady-eyed
facial whiskers
a background in laboratory research
connoisseur of cheese
an aversion to farmer's wives carrying large carving knives
an ability to scurry about
regular tea party goer
shy and quiet
fondness for old houses
a longing to be part of a large family
wary of spring-loaded traps
a liking for white fur coats
unfazed by elephants
refined eating habits
a desire to use clocks as playthings , especially those made out of hickory
can recite the lyrics of "Speedy Gonzales " )
" On your behalf........we passed an anti-cat exclusion
policy at our last meeting....only applicants with mousey
credentials will be considered for membership......any
objections ?
( Footnote : For the benefit of readers " mousey " credentials include
the following....
beady-eyed
facial whiskers
a background in laboratory research
connoisseur of cheese
an aversion to farmer's wives carrying large carving knives
an ability to scurry about
regular tea party goer
shy and quiet
fondness for old houses
a longing to be part of a large family
wary of spring-loaded traps
a liking for white fur coats
unfazed by elephants
refined eating habits
a desire to use clocks as playthings , especially those made out of hickory
can recite the lyrics of "Speedy Gonzales " )
" THE HISTORY OF USING MICE TO STAND IN FOR HUMANS ( AS IN MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS ) IS REPLETE WITH FAILURES ..... " Gary Wolf
" We find the accused member has failed miserably to adhere
to the club's zero tolerance policy rules. Therefore we vote to
have him suspended.............preferably by a rope with a noose
at the end of it ! "
" We find the accused member has failed miserably to adhere
to the club's zero tolerance policy rules. Therefore we vote to
have him suspended.............preferably by a rope with a noose
at the end of it ! "
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Monday, 15 December 2014
THE SCOURGE OF BRIDGE : SMART-ARSE PLAYERS WHO BID 1NT ON ZERO POINTS.....( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )
Judy Kay-Wolff posted a comment recently where she correctly condemned a modern day tactic ( or is it obsession ? ) to stick in bids simply to rattle and disturb the minds of their opponents. By creating the illusion that none of villian's bids can be believed or trusted , the unfair advantage gained can now be thoroughly exploited to great effect on subsequent boards.
Psyching a 1NT on a complete yarborough is an abomination of the what really matters in the game of bridge : the integrity of the player and what is actually on the system card. Any bid which is an outright lie , or designed purely to create havoc and or confusion , should be outlawed. leave psychs to big money players of rubber bridge , where the poker tactics become part and parcel of the game.
Whenever a player makes an opening bid which goes far beyond a major deviation , the tactic should be classified as a form of cheating , or an outrageous prank , where the culprit just wants to get " one over " the opponents. Players owe a duty of care to the rest of the field. By handing out a top as a consequence of this unacceptable behaviour , the guilty pair might well leap frog others on the leader board in undeserving circumstances , forging ahead of all their opponents who fought hard ( and genuinely ) to earn a part-score average. Similarly , if the psych worked against producing an outright bottom , then others in the field will all get an undeserved albeit improved score on that particular board.
Foolish , reckless and insane bids adversely affect the whole field , inevitably distorting the scoring and the final placings in the process. If the authorities are so adamant on pairs having their system cards available for close inspection , and abiding by the strict " alert " rules , then why in God's name do they allow players to deviate from what they have agreed ,and what is clearly written down in black and white ? Players who psych a conventional 1NT can only be described as liars and cheats.
The whole idea of auction bidding is to communicate details about one's hand to partner: information which the opponents are also entitled to share. The real skill of the game is for players to absorb all the information revealed in an auction to make winning decisions on how to proceed in the auction , and the subsequent play of the cards afterwards.
What the game of bridge needs now , even in top class tournaments level , is a level playing field. This in turn means working towards standardising what conventions are permissible , and the introduction of bans on all psychs and gross system deviations. Moreover , I would be much happier to see conventional bids having one meaning only , properly described on the system card , or explained in a single sentence. Bids that have 2 or more possible meanings ( which may well come to light later on in the auction ) have in my view an ambiguity that is meaningless at the time the bid is made.
Integrity, fairness and honesty should be the bedrock on which the game of bridge is built. Players should focus less on enigma-code system cards , and rely on the knowledge gleened from the auction to help determine the best way to make more tricks than the rest of the field. The game of bridge should not be corrupted and spoiled by smart-arse cheats.
Judy Kay-Wolff posted a comment recently where she correctly condemned a modern day tactic ( or is it obsession ? ) to stick in bids simply to rattle and disturb the minds of their opponents. By creating the illusion that none of villian's bids can be believed or trusted , the unfair advantage gained can now be thoroughly exploited to great effect on subsequent boards.
Psyching a 1NT on a complete yarborough is an abomination of the what really matters in the game of bridge : the integrity of the player and what is actually on the system card. Any bid which is an outright lie , or designed purely to create havoc and or confusion , should be outlawed. leave psychs to big money players of rubber bridge , where the poker tactics become part and parcel of the game.
Whenever a player makes an opening bid which goes far beyond a major deviation , the tactic should be classified as a form of cheating , or an outrageous prank , where the culprit just wants to get " one over " the opponents. Players owe a duty of care to the rest of the field. By handing out a top as a consequence of this unacceptable behaviour , the guilty pair might well leap frog others on the leader board in undeserving circumstances , forging ahead of all their opponents who fought hard ( and genuinely ) to earn a part-score average. Similarly , if the psych worked against producing an outright bottom , then others in the field will all get an undeserved albeit improved score on that particular board.
Foolish , reckless and insane bids adversely affect the whole field , inevitably distorting the scoring and the final placings in the process. If the authorities are so adamant on pairs having their system cards available for close inspection , and abiding by the strict " alert " rules , then why in God's name do they allow players to deviate from what they have agreed ,and what is clearly written down in black and white ? Players who psych a conventional 1NT can only be described as liars and cheats.
The whole idea of auction bidding is to communicate details about one's hand to partner: information which the opponents are also entitled to share. The real skill of the game is for players to absorb all the information revealed in an auction to make winning decisions on how to proceed in the auction , and the subsequent play of the cards afterwards.
What the game of bridge needs now , even in top class tournaments level , is a level playing field. This in turn means working towards standardising what conventions are permissible , and the introduction of bans on all psychs and gross system deviations. Moreover , I would be much happier to see conventional bids having one meaning only , properly described on the system card , or explained in a single sentence. Bids that have 2 or more possible meanings ( which may well come to light later on in the auction ) have in my view an ambiguity that is meaningless at the time the bid is made.
Integrity, fairness and honesty should be the bedrock on which the game of bridge is built. Players should focus less on enigma-code system cards , and rely on the knowledge gleened from the auction to help determine the best way to make more tricks than the rest of the field. The game of bridge should not be corrupted and spoiled by smart-arse cheats.
Friday, 12 December 2014
BRIDGE IS NOT A SPORT BECAUSE IT LACKS THE PHYSICAL ELEMENT !..... NOW THAT REALLY IS A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS
( Carp finally speaks out )
How come archery , rifle shooting and darts are all classed as sports when the key objective of all the competitors is to remain perfectly still , before executing shots by the the oh so careful pull and release of an arm , the finger squeeze of the trigger and a forward flick of the wrist ?
What physical element there is in these sports falls into absolute insignificance when compared to the physical demands of bridge.
Indeed , I have examined in detail the physical movements highly competitive bridge players undertake when performing in top class events. And let me tell you , many of them are energy sapping and exhausting. So let's look at some of the physical demands put upon bridge players which people ( including judges ) have failed to see......
1. Repeatedly getting up and down from chairs
2. Holding up cards for long periods of time
3. Placing and picking up cards onto and off the table
4. Sorting cards into suits and rank order
5. Repeatedly fanning , folding and re-fanning their cards
6. Shrugging shoulders in abject disgust and despair
7. Leaning well back in condescending delight and smugness
8. Leaning well forward to eye-ball unethical opponents
9. Squirming about in seats in absolute discomfort and distress
10. Strumming fingers on the table to flag up impatience or boredom
11. Nervously scratching forbidden zones of their bodies
12. Tensing facial muscles prior to making an awkward or difficult decision
13. Violently grabbing partners to shake some goddamn sense into them
14. Launching bridgemates with some velocity to demonstrate frustration and anger
15. Ripping up score cards in absolute disgust
16. Slamming exit doors with extreme gusto for dramatic effect
17. Jumping up and down either in rage.... or with glee
18. Craning necks in order to obtain a better view
19. Regularly going off on intelligence gathering walkabouts
20. Racing after officious TDs to give them a piece of their mind
21. Running to the bar for urgently needed therapeutic refreshments and/or liquid stimulants
22. Jostling for a better position in the buffet queues
23. Ducking and diving to escape the wrath of their team-mates
24. Puffing out chests to bloat and inflate their self-importance even more
25. Writhing about in shame and embarrassment as their wretched scores come under
close scrutiny
( Carp finally speaks out )
How come archery , rifle shooting and darts are all classed as sports when the key objective of all the competitors is to remain perfectly still , before executing shots by the the oh so careful pull and release of an arm , the finger squeeze of the trigger and a forward flick of the wrist ?
What physical element there is in these sports falls into absolute insignificance when compared to the physical demands of bridge.
Indeed , I have examined in detail the physical movements highly competitive bridge players undertake when performing in top class events. And let me tell you , many of them are energy sapping and exhausting. So let's look at some of the physical demands put upon bridge players which people ( including judges ) have failed to see......
1. Repeatedly getting up and down from chairs
2. Holding up cards for long periods of time
3. Placing and picking up cards onto and off the table
4. Sorting cards into suits and rank order
5. Repeatedly fanning , folding and re-fanning their cards
6. Shrugging shoulders in abject disgust and despair
7. Leaning well back in condescending delight and smugness
8. Leaning well forward to eye-ball unethical opponents
9. Squirming about in seats in absolute discomfort and distress
10. Strumming fingers on the table to flag up impatience or boredom
11. Nervously scratching forbidden zones of their bodies
12. Tensing facial muscles prior to making an awkward or difficult decision
13. Violently grabbing partners to shake some goddamn sense into them
14. Launching bridgemates with some velocity to demonstrate frustration and anger
15. Ripping up score cards in absolute disgust
16. Slamming exit doors with extreme gusto for dramatic effect
17. Jumping up and down either in rage.... or with glee
18. Craning necks in order to obtain a better view
19. Regularly going off on intelligence gathering walkabouts
20. Racing after officious TDs to give them a piece of their mind
21. Running to the bar for urgently needed therapeutic refreshments and/or liquid stimulants
22. Jostling for a better position in the buffet queues
23. Ducking and diving to escape the wrath of their team-mates
24. Puffing out chests to bloat and inflate their self-importance even more
25. Writhing about in shame and embarrassment as their wretched scores come under
close scrutiny
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