MORE EXCITING BRIDGE BOOKS UNEARTHED ........
( by gardening guru Pun )

• I'll Give You One Good Reason Why You Need Me As A Partner.........Ima Weiner
• To Say I'm Upset Partner Is A Gross Understatement !....... .................Fuller Roth
• This Sort Of Thing Will Not Be Tolerated In Our Club....................Annie R. G. Bargie
• My Tactics Are To Lull My Opponents Into A Soporific State.................Sarah Nade
• After Coming Out On Top I Just Want To Get Up And Dance................Tina C. Walls
• Now That's A Bidding System I Could Really Take To............................Mortimer Likin
• That Opponent Is So Uncouth He's Worse Than A Heathen..................Phil S, Stein
• Did I Lose My Rag When I Noticed Our Opponents Cheating !...............Kirsten Sworr
• Sorry Partner, I Find Your Beauty So Alluring And Appealing.................Dick Stillard
• For Pity's Sake Partner Will You Please Stop Getting At Me..................Lee Vitoff

THE LATEST CROP OF BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS..................... ( Information harvested by Pun ) 

• Partner What Was Your Reasoning For Bidding That Slam ?...........Justin Hope
• I'll Tell You What's Happening To This Great Game Of Ours.............Di N. Fershaw
• For Crying Out Loud Why Does No One Listen To Me ?...................Pete Sake
• Her Speciality Is Carving Up Weak And Helpless Opponents............Angela Deth
• This Is The Saddest Bridge Story You'll Ever Come Across..............T. R. Jerker
• Committee Members Here Run This Club With An Iron Fist .... ........Gus Tarpeau 
• What Would Be An Appropriate Message To Send Our Chairman?...Aretha Flowers 
• Heavens above If You Ever Get Our Chairman Into Your Sights.......Ava Pott
• And Should You Get The Club Secretary Into Your Sights................Phil R. Withe-Ledd
• I Know What I'm Gonna Do To Raise Money For This Club...............Selma Bodie

WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING   ( No. 642 )

The club was forced to introduce in 2015 much stricter rules requiring players to treat one another with utmost respect and politeness.  However despite chairman Bigot-Johnson's bold initiative ,  Neil Peck found himself before the committee following a complaint by a member , who was sitting at the table when the alleged incident occurred. 

Chairman : As the main complainant and key witness.......please tell the committee what took place at the table that gave rise to your concern ?
Complainant : Neil called his partner " a prune ".......
( Gasps of horror and revulsion filled the room from all committee members and onlookers keeled over in shock )
Chairman : That's terrible.......calling someone " a prune " in front of others amounts to a wicked and wilful breach of our newly imposed best behaviour rules. If some arsehole like Neil said that to me I'd kill the foul-mouthed bastard there and then.
Neil : Excuse me ......I would like to say something
Chairman : If you must.....you uncaring , uncouth , obnoxious toe-rag
Neil : My partner played bridge all night like " a prune " and therefore deserved such a label
Chairman : No one deserves to be insulted like that.....you're both vicious and vindictive
Neil : It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact based on hard evidence of his play at the table. The truth needed to come out........
Chairman : So what had this numbskull of a partner done to be condemned and reviled like that ?
Neil : Well, as I said earlier he had been playing all evening like a complete arse-hole
( More loud gasps from around the jam-packed committee room , which included Neil's partner and others desperate for juicy gossip and cheap entertainment.) 
Chairman : That's still no excuse for calling him a prune
Neil : So what would you do... or say...... to your partner if he failed to make a single heart trick when holding J108 in one hand and K96 in the other ?
Chairman : I would call him " a tosser "
Neil : And then fail to cash an established winner ?
Chairman : Christ amighty ...the man must be a complete moron
Neil : Not to mention marooning himself from dummy where he had two other established winners
Chairman : I cannot believe any man could be so INEPT ,CLUELESS, STUPID, OFF-HIS-HEAD , AND BRAIN -DEAD ...... my God.....what a  COMPLETE TWAT he must be
Neil : Exactly
Chairman : But having said all that....... your behaviour at the table leaves us with no choice but to ban you from this club
Neil : Hold on a mo......what you just said about him was far far worse
Chairman : Ah... that may be true.......However ,what is said by committee members during committee work is exempt from rules which only apply to behaviour at the table. By having double standards like this we can get rid of foul-mouthed scumbags like you ,  whilst making most of this heaven sent opportunity to slag you off without fear or recrimination.
( Applause echoes all around the room as Neil is shown the door by two burly stewards )

   

BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )

• What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
• My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
• I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
• The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
• Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
• Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
• Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
• I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
• I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
• Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

Spade : 

1.  The boss suit
2.  A club member of afro-caribbean origion  ( a rare spectacle indeed )
3.  A handy item to have in the boot of your car when wishing to bury the charred remains of your ex-partner before a missing persons report is filed , or an item which is sorely needed when digging up the dirt on club members you have come to dislike 
4.  The surname of a  seedy-looking player you once knew called Sam 

Club :

1. The place where most male members go to escape their wives 
2.  A highly useful item to have on your person when seeking to end an altercation with a troublesome opponent in a robust and triumphant manner 
3. What you are likely to put your female partner in when playing away , perhaps succumbing to temptation and/or premature outbursts
4. An inferior suit which experts like to put to better use by employing a whole raft of artificial bids ( see the prepared club , two-club openers, stayman , gerber , landy )
5. Capable of having magical properties when opened at the one level by the Northern Pro

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.

Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.

Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 

It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........

• If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
• That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
• Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
• I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
• Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
• That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
• We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
• He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
• You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
• If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
• There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
• Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes

THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM

.......BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FRUITINESS COMES TO THE FORE 

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

1. Murder 
2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
3. Assaulting an opponent 
4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
7. Cheating of any kind in any form
8. Farting with gay abandon
9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly

THE ULTIMATE CLUB SECRETARY : THE JOB SPECIFICATION


The ideal candidate needs to possess the following abilities , attributes and skills if wishing to become an effective bridge club secretary :

1.   Thick skinned and pig-headed
2.   Incapable of apologising or showing remorse
3.   A fantasist
4.   A master of brevity and spin 
5.   An expert in the art of giving out misinformation . disinformation and meaningless cliches
6.   Manipulative and controlling
7.   Full of guile and cunning
8.   Dogged and determined , never prepared to let things go , forgive or forget, bury the 
      hatchet, forget the past and acknowledge compromise as a sensible solution
9.   Power crazy
10. Fully committed to converting personal agendas into committee ones
11. Passionate about promoting despotism and nepotism within the officer ranks of the 
      committee 
12. A natural and egoistic hypocrite forever doing what she/he tells others they can't

A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE WHERE BRIDGE CLUBS ARE DYING BY THE THOUSANDS........ ( As depicted in a poem adapted from a Leonard Cohen classic ) 


The chairman called me over
She fumbled for my hand
" I want you to take my office
I'm giving you command "

" Command of what, there's no one left
There's only you and me
All the members are dead and gone
On that we can agree "

" Complain , complain ...that's all you've done
Ever since that awful cost
Of hefty sums on legal fees
For a case I'm afraid we lost "

" May Christ have mercy on you soul
Your actions were a sickening joke
This wretched episode destroyed our club
As valuable funds went up in smoke "

" I know that you have suffered more
But consider this for a while
Whatever makes an opponent sad
Always makes a declarer smile "

" Sorry but I'm leaving now
You need to surely understand
So get this into your tiny head
There's no point in making a stand 
There's no hope in members returning
They've all gone to pastures new
Everyone is into internet bridge
Where robots players are fair and true
My commitment to this club is done
You'll rally me no more
I don't even know what I'm doing here
What the club is  really for
I've spent far too long aboard this boat
Which has been leaking money fast
We are now in deep dark trouble
The die has been surely cast
I've read the recent AGM report
And most of it is grim if not black
There's no hope for any salvation
There's no chance of going back "

Now the chairman she was pleading
But I steadfastly refused the poisoned chalice
Why on earth would I take command
When my heart was racked with malice

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) : COMMITTEE IMPOSES NEW RULES IN KEEPING WITH THE STRICT ZERO TOLERANCE REGIME

• The Committee is always right
• The Committee is never wrong
• Even if the Committee is wrong no one is allowed to comment on the fact
• Dissident members are to be classed as the scum of the earth
• Anyone who is regarded as a dissident member who will hounded out of the club
• Disciplinary hearings will always be conducted behind closed doors using all the bias and prejudice needed to get the bastards expelled     
• No one must ever mention the vast sums of money the Committee has wasted on obscene and financially crippling legal fees
• The Committee believes very strongly in giving members both disinformation and misinformation in order to maintain harmony and contentment within the ranks
• Elephants do not occupy Committee rooms despite the fact that huge piles of dung have been used as manure on the garden beds 
• Approved committee members expect to be voted in unopposed at the next AGM
• Any club member who does not vote properly will be taken to the cellars and starved to death
• All members will be obliged to swear on the Holy Bible that grovelling compliance , obedience and  loyalty are their primary duties 
• Every member is required to snitch on any other member who appears to be harbouring negative thoughts , attitudes and concerns about the never-ending shenanigans the Committee constantly get up to 
• For zero tolerance to work the Committee must be given a free reign to do as it pleases in a climate where forgiveness of human error is not an option 
• The days of asking errant members to sit on the naughty chairs are well and truly over , as the wood from these chairs will be used to build a state-of-the-art scaffold 

BRIDGE BOOKS SOME LADIES MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE......

•  Whoever Farted At This Table Needs To Own Up Right Now.............Otis Mee
•  Club Chairman's Wasteful Expenditure Makes Front Page News......Ed Liner
•  Quite Frankly I Would Like To Shoot All Those On Committee...........Mo M. Downe
•  Why Do Lady Members Turn Up With Colour In Their Hair.................Fanny Green
• He's Threatening To Sue The Club For Wrongful expulsion................E. L. Knott-Duett
• I Need To Be Updated On The Latest Bridge Gossip............ ..............Phil Mehan 
• Madam Trust Me To Find You The Perfect Bridge Partner...................Dizzy Shagwell
• It's Easy To Spot Those Who Enforce Zero Tolerance Rules..............Jack Boots
• My Partner's Game Is Hopeless Now He's Turned To Drink................B. R. Waller
• My Partner Seems To Have So Much Energy And Go........................Dinah Moe 
• That Man Loves To Partner Juniors Who Are Still At School...............Roger Ringbuoys
• Winning Is Great When You Receive So Many Accolades..................Pat Sonya Backe 
• I Can Never Get A Good Result  Against This Cheating Dog............   Beau Geyman
• I Would Love To Play Bridge Around The Clock If Possible..................Diane Knight

BRIDGE : THE PERFECT IMPERFECT GAME....... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge is without doubt a most majestic and beautiful game. The irony of course is every one of its major imperfections plays an important part in making the game so perfect. These imperfections simply add to the enthralling challenge which faces each player at the table.
Some commentators have defined bridge as a two-person zero sum game in that it involves two players forming a partnership. Therefore it becomes immediately apparent that each player has to overcome imperfect recall. One or both will forget things they knew or have experienced in the past. Establishing a perfect wave-length and understanding with partner inevitably takes years of hard work and practice , an objective which unfortunately is never likely to come to fruition.
In some extreme cases a player might fail to recall what is on their convention card , what took place in the auction, what cards have been played during a hand , and what happened in near identical hands they encountered before. The absence of a perfect memory creates an imperfect recall, which becomes a difficult obstacle to overcome.
Another imperfection lies in the fact that during the early play of the hand so many cards remain hidden from view. With this degree of imperfect knowledge of who holds what , difficult decisions and choices have to be made. The challenge here to replace guesswork with logical deduction , clue analysis and sound judgement. Assumptions need to be drawn on all the evidence gathered to date, combined with an imperfect knowledge of the true statistical odds that apply at any given stage of the hand in play. Based on imperfect analysis at the start of play , players strive valiantly to identify the best lines of play , especially when more and more information comes to light. 
The reality of the game is that the number of possible bidding sequences in an auction, along with the possible sequences of cards being played , run into tens of thousands. This means that in a very large field various different contracts will be arrived at , and that the outcomes in an identical contract will vary enormously. An imperfect opening lead, continuation or switch is often the root cause of such diverse outcomes.
Players are required to make imperfect choices based on imperfect information. This imperfection might well be  (a) the lack of any information at all  or (b) misleading information , and (c) inadequate information leading to false assumptions and mistakes. The fact that any player at the table can be guilty of off-centre bids , psychs , and deceptive gambits , not to mention stupidity,  the idea that perfect information could exist is an absolute non-starter.  
However , the main reason why bridge is such an imperfect game is , I'm afraid , down to the fact that too many players cheat. Some of cheating is unintentional , petty and soft. Other forms of cheating have become hard , deliberate , calculating , intentional and highly sophisticated ( possibly undetectable ). The challenge here for the good honest players is to recognise its presence and to report their findings to the governing bodies , The problem here is that whatever suspicions and accusations are made , they must be supported by strong irrefutable evidence.
Finally , we come to the imperfections of each and every player , who will always fall the victim to The Human Condition. The majority of players are prone to lapses of memory , focus , concentration, discipline and ethical conduct. Directors are prone to an imperfect knowledge or interpretation of the rules , allowing prejudice and bias to determine their decisions. Noise and disturbances at other tables create an imperfect environment in which players struggle to maintain focus and concentration.
So yes ,  bridge becomes the perfect game in that players have to overcome all the imperfections inherent in the game. These added challenges are immense ,  but the beauty and majesty of the game makes each and every one worth taking on.    
  

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY .............

Trump :

(a) someone who talks out of his arse spewing hot air and offensive bile , an
      obnoxious megalomaniac renown for possessing all the vile characteristics of
      an arrogant,  racist, sexist male chauvinist 
(b) an american politician being one who clearly lives up to his name ( see above )
(c) a loud blast
(d) a card from the declared master suit which can beat any other card from the other suits
(e) a form of deceptive foolery often used by bridge players keen to persuade opponents
     into making false assumptions
(f)  a false allegation which an unscrupulous member will concoct and put forward to a 
     committee, in a bold attempt to get someone he/she dislikes thrown out of the club
(g) the name given to the loud stomping sound the elephant makes in the committee
     room in a vain attempt to be seen
(h) a bodily function which bridge players should refrain from doing during play , for fear 
     of embarrassment and/or severe reprimand from over zealous , zero tolerance 
     enforcement officers  

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY........ 

• Pre-emptive raise : getting excited even before catching sight of an attractive lady opponent heading your way
• Danger hand : the one that your irate partner delivers from behind to smack your woolly thick head into gear 
• Losing trick count : a negative and pessimistic approach to assessing the trick potential of your hand
• Top of nothing : coming first in a field full of novices and clueless rabbits
• Direction : the flight path chosen by the pilot of a flying bridgemate
• Responsive double : a large whisky consumed during the interval which galvanises a player into staying alert and performing better
• Rectifying the count : being made to calculate the correct number of tricks your side has taken, having previously inflated the total 
• Menace : the term given to a crazed, cavalier and maverick pilot of a flying bridgemate
• Balancing : having to earn countless brownie points from your wife in order to gain essential pass outs for evening and/or weekend bridge
• Top : what an overly demanding player will blow when his/her partner cocks up a bog-standard defence

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......AGAIN

• Hesitations : the communication technique preferred by most cheating pairs 
• 4th position : the one likely to be occupied at the end of the day by a team of rabbits in a field of four 
• Agenda :  a list drawn up by a committee naming all those undesirable members it intends to get rid of
• Misfits :  the common term to describe partnerships where players operate on completely different wavelengths
• Good raise :  what an easily excited player experiences when an attractive lady arrives at his table
• Trump echo : the phenomenon  of a player's rather loud and smelly fart bouncing off a wall for a second attack on members' rather sensitive sense of smell
• Trial bid : when a club opts to take a dispute to court rather than seeking much more cost-effective options such as mediation and arbitration
• Rule of eleven : the number of cards a player should have left in his hand after the first two tricks have been taken
• Smother play : what any player would like to do to his inept partner if a cushion happens to be close at hand
• Switch : the action of an intolerant unforgiving player who quickly replaces one partner for another in his/her hopeless quest for flawless bridge

CLASSIC BRIDGE BOOKS I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT.............. ( Says a sorry Pun ) 

• Partner We Need To Get Off To A Cracking Start....................Onya Marks
• 4S On An 11 Count And I Was Only One Trick Light...............Neil Lee Caymen
• Partner Why Aren't You Scoring For Our Side ?......................Owen Gole
• There's Only One Word To Describe How Bad We Were........Des Aster
• Partner Stop Throwing Me Off With Your Wild Antics..............Buck N. Broncoe
• So Sorry Everyone For Squandering All That Money..............Shay Moynue
• I Made A Grand Slam Missing 3 Outside Aces........................Candice B. Dunne
• I've Got One Helluva Surprise For You Partner !.....................Gus Watt
• This Has To Be The Best Squeeze Ever Made .......................Hugh B. Judge
• The Cheating That Goes On In This Game !............................Kent B. Levitt
• Talking Bridge Is Easy But Playing The Game Is Hard............Fuller Flannel
• Partner At least You Have One Great Attribute........................Dick Fitzwell

TWO SMART-ARSE BIDDERS ARE CONFRONTED BY A TOTALLY CONFUSED AND BEMUSED BIGOT.........

- So what do you call this ludicrous bidding system of yours ?
- The Foggy Unusual Club .......FUC for short
-  Is it licensed ?
-  Of course it is....the ACBL sanction anything these days.....not wishing to upset the top
   rank players from devising specially complex and baffling systems to combat and retaliate 
   against the real smart-arses...... who were seeking to put one over them with theirs
-  So tell me then.... what does your 1C opener say about the hand ?
-  In a nutshell..... it can be anything ........ a weak or strong hand......but not necessarily 
   denying clubs
-  And what about your responses ?
-  All bids at the lower levels are completely artificial......and alertable......since the auction 
   will be a series of enquiry bids and stepping stone answer bids outlining short suits and 
   high card strength, the final contract can only be decided upon at the very end 
-  Oh....so how do you know what contract you need to be in having never bid your natural 
   suits and HCPs
-  By a process of suit eliminations , logical deduction  and intuitive reasoning
- That fine for you but how the hell do opponents like me ever get to work out your hands
- You're not meant to. Even if you asked questions about the alerts , the lengthy and highly 
   convoluted answers will either blow your mind , or put you off  from ever asking again
- Well , I suppose I could look at your system card.... which thank God only appears to be
  a 2-sided document
- You could..... but It wont do you much good unless you read and fully understand the 14
   sides of supplementary notes that goes with it
- Christ almighty......this unusual system of yours leaves me in a complete fog
- That's its primary aim alright ......to fuc the opposition good and proper   

J'ACCUSE........J'ACCUSE  ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The use of club funds for a costly and unnecessary legal defence does , in my view , warrants severe condemnation. Any club chairman who sets out to persuade the membership to back such a foolish course of action , rather than seek other far less costly options on offer , should now hang his/her head in shame.
If members knew or realised that outcomes of trials are unpredictable , and that money spent in mounting a vigorous and robust legal defence is never likely to be recovered , then such a course of action is pure insanity. What gambler would bet on an outcome where even if he backs a winner he wins nothing and loses his stake money.  
Moreover , if the chairman had been asked to pay these exorbitant legal costs from his/her own pocket , then I'm more than certain another course of action would have been chosen , such as a quick resolution through mediation , or an offer to the plaintiff to drop the action in return for getting a proportion of the damages sought after. 
Why the chairman and committee failed to undertake a cost benefit analysis of a long drawn out legal defense beggars belief. If one considers the opportunity costs involved in a club wasting over £130,000 in lawyers' fees , then one would surely end up being racked with guilt , shame and deep embarrassment : a new club house , new facilities , funds for marketing ( and promoting the game to encourage new members ) , sound a much more sensible use of such money. The secured long-term future of the club is, and always will be , of paramount importance.
Sometimes one has to choose the lesser of two evils : pay out a few thousand to a plaintiff who perhaps doesn't deserve a penny , or pay out tens of thousands to lawyers.... who then advise you to accept a hands-down offer to walk away from the dispute , indicating that the judge is far more likely to make each side pay their costs.  
I once heard of a club spending an obscene amount of money on private investigators in an attempt to unearth and track down the author of a series of poison pen letters , when the sensible option was to simply ignore them. So why in God's name spend a six-figure sum on fighting a wrongful expulsion law suit , when a simple reinstatement or begrudging pay off was all that was required. When inmates have taken over the asylum , someone has to step up to the mark and allow common sense to prevail over raw emotions if fuelled by crass stubbornness , prejudice and pride. 
Moral : if you are going to be wrong , do it after careful consideration.
Committee members should always be conscious of the conflict between their personal interests and those of the club. Moreover, they should continuously examine the proposed actions like embarking upon , and continuing with , a dogged and determined legal defence. Is such an action really meeting the club's core objectives ? These of course include (i) staying financially viable , (ii) investing funds for the future development of the game , (iii) up grading the club's facilities and (iv) putting funds aside for other capital expenditure projects.
The answer any sane man or woman would give is an emphatic " no ".
Such expenditure , which to the casual observer seems a colossal risk and a complete waste of money , is both utterly irresponsible and unacceptable , no matter honourable the motives and intentions appeared to be at the outset. Litigation is the road to financial ruin : the folly of fools.
Serving on a committee carries with it a significant legal responsibility. Common sense can take one very far in conducting club activities properly. Listening to advice from all quarters , especially from those who urge on the side of caution and prudence , can help protect one's position. Care , loyalty and fidelity in all committee actions represent the best form of financial protection for the club. The chairman must therefore strive be the guiding influence and voice of common sense and reason.
On breach of that duty I accuse.......I accuse

 

JUST LISTEN TO WHAT BERNARD YOMTOV SAYS ABOUT BRIDGE AND WHY SOME CONTROL IS NEEDED TO REIN IN AND OUTLAW COMPLEX AND CONVOLUTED BIDDING SYSTEMS

Since bridge is a partnership game and chess is not , greater efforts are needed to stop opponents gaining an unfair advantage by having
complex and convoluted bidding systems. 

" If your opponent in a chess game does something very unusual you can, at least in principle, figure out how to counter it right there at the board. Advance preparation would be nice, but is not required.

In bridge, players faced with complex and unfamiliar systems cannot do that. Any counter requires agreement between the partners, and that can't be done at the table, by the very rules. Even pre-alerts and the like don't solve this, because of time constraints, incomplete understandings, etc.

Further, at bridge you will not know all the twists and turns the opponents' auction might take. In chess it is all right there in front of you, if you can just figure it out.

What I'm saying is that in chess there is no inherent obstacle to countering an unusual move. In bridge there are such obstacles. "

System cards loaded with obstacles , yet no licensing constraints ......it's a recipe for anarchy .

IF BRIDGE IS A SPORT THEN HOW COME THE MEANS BY WHICH THE GAME IS PLAYED FAIL TO CONFORM TO ANY REGULATORY STANDARDS ?........( Article by Carp )

In chess both players start out with the same pieces , which conform to particular rules of movement and placement. In cricket both the ball and the ball must confirm to material , size and weight requirements, and with rules on handling and usage. In golf , players'clubs must confirm to rules regarding the number carried , head types and shapes plus length and weight specifications. Athletes must strictly adhere to rules governing shoes,  intake of medicines and dietary supplements.
Why have such rules one might ask ? The answer of course is to insure that all participants enter the competition on a level playing field , to deny any competitor to seek out and exploit AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. 
So back to bridge and the means by which the game is played : the system card declaring what bids mean and what defensive manoeuvres will be used . If every competitor was obliged to conform to a standard bidding system, the playing field automatically becomes level. Success will now depend upon how well the players master and apply that system if they are to triumph over their opponents. By allowing extreme diversity of bidding systems as exists today the game has become a mockery,  with some players armed with rocket launchers up against others who choose only to start out with pea shooters.   The rocket launchers are designed to benefit the users to the detriment of those who have little or no time to grasp and understand their complex and convoluted sequences . made up of artificial , multiple possibility bids. This is equivalent to having a golfer carrying around 40 odds clubs . one ideally suited for every contingency , or a batsman electing to go in with a 12 inch wide bat, 
Governing bodies have , in my view , lost control of the emerging farce, allowing so-called experts to use their overly complex custom made systems  , designed primarily to achieve two goals  :  (i)  to feed their vanity in naming the system after themselves - a way of achieving immortality (ii) to dope their opponents through sheer mental exhaustion  leaving them permanently confused , dazed and befuddled - a seemingly legitimate way of cheating. 
Bridge can only retain its integrity and majesty once competitors start out FROM THE SAME STARTING LINE .....WITH A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH......HONEST INTENTIONS.... AND OF COURSE STANDARD CONFORMING EQUIPMENT.
No wonder the game is in the doldrums.

MAJOR ALERT : BIDDING SYSTEMS OUT OF CONTROL........... ( Article by Carp )

In the minds of many,  bidding systems have become the play toy of smart-arse players deviously designed to be convoluted , destructive and overly complex. How and why governing bodies have permitted the use of such systems are questions yet to be answered. Are they afraid of offending those you put forward claims that they are fair and legitimate , thoroughly deserving of a licence. 
What was once a system card on a 1-sided piece of paper now run to a 4-5 page booklet with umpteen supplementary notes. Moreover auctions are peppered with " alerts " ,the explanations of which are often long and confusing ......not to mention the time consuming in the process. So when one alert is followed by another , and yet more , the auction ultimately descends into a farce. Opponents are never any wiser , and in no real position to implement counter-bids of their own. So the smart-arse bidders have gained a very significant but unfair advantage. They know what's going on but no one else at the table does. 
When will this madness stop allowing level playing fields to return in order to restore the integrity of the game.
I often come up against ultra aggressive players who bid on tram-tickets solely with the aim to disrupt their opponents casting doubt and uncertainty in their minds. Pre-empts even on 5 card suits. Weak two ( 2-suited ) openers usually in a 5-12 hcp range,  1C bids which might be a few as one in that suit. Light openers and super light openers non-vulnerable or in 3rd position. Psyches , semi-psyches and off-centre bids. Stepped responses and loads of enquiry bids. And not forgetting weak or strong , either-or bids to join the wonderfully ambiguous multi-2-diamonds  Most of them to be alerted , to accompany dozens of announced bids. No wonder the game has become a big turn off for those who try it out for the first time.
Every one should go onto the Bridgeblogging site to read Paul Cronin's September 21st where he shows genuine concern over opening bids which don't even satisfy the rule of 16. So why don't we all abandon system cards , allowing everyone to benefit from having secret coded bids instead.  

BIGOT-JOHNSON FINALLY CALLS IT A DAY.........

Sadly , this blog has completed its journey because in essence it was a story , which like any other story comes to an inevitable conclusion.
The motivation behind this blog was to expose ignorance and injustice , and the harrowing tale of two parties locked in a bitter legal dispute wasting huge sums of money on legal fees without resolution. Such stupidity , such insanity.
The story kicked off with the flying bridge mate incident which triggered an all out witch hunt by the club committee to get rid of the pilot member,  who had over the years been involved in other skirmishes with club officials. The disciplinary process that took place breached every known rule of natural justice , which the committee vehemently denied. The fact the accused never had an initial hearing was never considered to be a major issue , let alone the presence of blatant bias which bordered on blinkered lynch mob mentality.
With the club committee spurning the offer of early mediation to right the wrongs of the internal appeal debacle , the rocky road of expensive litigation was soon embarked upon. Six years on,  but a few weeks before the scheduled trial each side was now out of pocket to the tune of £130,000 plus. Then , out of the blue , a reality eventually sunk in that the judge was almost certainly going rule that each party would have to pay their own costs irrespective of the outcome. This of course made the trial a pointless and futile exercise as the recovery of costs had ultimately taken over from the question " had there been a wrongful expulsion ". Why therefore waste any more money ?
However , what really galled me was that the committee members were never at risk of being made personal liable for the legal fees , having secured the backing of nearly all the members to fight the action using club money. Needless to say the these members were never given the full facts at any time about the dispute, or the financial implications of proceeding to court ,  having to vote on resolutions in ignorance of the committee's inexplicable errors of judgement.
When at last the plaintiff's hands down offer was accepted by the committee, the new chairman declared that a line needed to be drawn, and that this sad and sorry affair should be confined to the history books and left alone. Nobody was held to account and certain individuals who were ultimately responsible for wasting and squandering club funds on a lost cause were allowed to remain on committee , never prepared to acknowledge or apologise for their failings. 
As a blogger I wanted to tell this story if only to warn all other bridge clubs to avoid making the same mistakes this club did over a 6 year period. Hindsight may be a wonderful thing but foresight is so much better........and far less costly.