A TRUE STORY...................... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

How do you begin to explain to your captain in a team of 4 match that on a hand where you should be bidding and making a rock solid slam ( in either major ) for plus 1430, your score on that board showed minus 700 !

The answer is both simple and unbelievable.......but true. My RHO opened one diamond, and I, with a powerful 6-6-1-0 distribution hand, made an old fashioned game forcing bid of 2D. My LHO opponent passed...and so did my partner !! With a void to my left, and a singleton to my right, in the majors, not to mention a 7-4 diamond fit for the opponents, they had no trouble taking 12 tricks.

When I rounded on partner as to why he didn't bid, he bashfully admitted he thought the bidding had gone 1D - pass ! - 2D by the opponents...................and only having a few HCPs in the majors and an awkward 4-4-1-4 distribution, he thought a pass was the most sensible option. To bash him fully seemed the most sensible option to pass through my mind at that moment, as I wondered how our fiery and unforgiving captain was going to take this dreadful news.

DESCRIPTIVE BIDDING....... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

To all intents and purposes bidding should be simple and straightforward. Basic bidding systems are still out there to accommodate players who are partnering each other for the first time. More sophisticated systems are later employed to accommodate ( within an established partnership ) each player's individual needs, preferences, style, and tactical objectives.

The bidding gadgets, conventions, measures, and counter-measures are there to provide a manageable framework to deal with every possible type of hand, enabling useful information about shape, distribution and strength to be easily exchanged. Sensible bidding should leave no room for vagueness or ambiguity. Bids should firstly be informative, understandable, precise and accurate, with regards to what messages you wish to send to partner. However, if in the process bids can scupper and/or fix the opponents, limiting their ability to bid their hands effectively, then two birds can be killed with one stone.

Nevertheless, all bids should be to an agreed system, reflecting a disciplined and honest approach to the game. This will help build up partnership understanding, mutual trust and respect. In short, descriptive bidding at its best is nothing more than solid and reliable bidding, where little or no damage occurs, and all tactical objectives have been met. There may well be alternative bidding routes that achieve the same goals, but isn't that the beauty of the game ?

But what....oh what....are the adjectives we have come to accept about our own flawed and imperfect bidding ? Even players at the top of their game may on occasions stray from the path of disciplined system bids. These unilateral deviations might well be explained as creative, swing-generating, temporising, deceptive, off-centre, improvised and unusual bids. Lesser mortals may be guilty of failing to bid with bidding hands, or committing the more common crimes of under-bidding and over-bidding. Then there are the horror bids, such as phantom sacrifices, plus those which are made out of turn, or deemed insufficient.

Finally, we need to look at the adjectives which have been used ( again and again ) to describe the failings and short-comings of the tens of thousands of players, who make rank bad bids every time they sit down to play bridge. Scathing comments such as :

- limp, lame

- hesitant, timid, cowardly, overly-cautious

- undisciplined, anti-system, filthy, naff, horrid, ludicrous, criminal

- wooden, pedestrian, comatose, conservative

- fatuous, frivolous, flippant, infantile, idiotic, inane

- crazy, insane, way out, outrageous

- futile, pointless

- wild, wayward, random, erratic, reckless, hit and miss

- over-ambitious, wretched, pushing it a bit

- illogical, inappropriate, nonsense, bone-headed

- impulsive, thoughtless

- vague, ambiguous, misleading, indecisive, clueless

So yes, descriptive bidding implies near perfect communication. But when communication in bidding breaks down, as it always does, no one ever uses the adjective " non descriptive ". Bridge players will always strive to find far more colourful, highly descriptive, ones instead.

FULL DISCLOSURE ? : NOW THAT IS A JOKE............ ( Article By Carp )

The principle of active ethics requires players to adhere fully to the disclosure rules and guidelines set down in the game. Only full disclosure can provide equity.

However, here lies two thorny problems : is it possible for full disclosure to ever take place, and how can anyone be certain it has taken place ? Winning is only legitimate and fair if all your opponents had received all of the information to which they were entitled. This requires players to have access to opponents' convention cards, which not only must be complete in detail and identical.....but also capable of being read and understood. How much time has anyone got to look at opponents' convention cards at the start of any round ? Answer : none.

Moreover, players who practice active ethics must give their opponents full disclosure of partnership agreements whenever appropriate, especially if the bids are alertable. Not only that but players are required to :

(a) give complete answers to all requests for information

(b) only use conventions that have been fully discussed with partner, such that questions can be answered correctly

(c) make sure that when they are playing with a regular partner, who knows all about their bids, and bidding style, to include the latter within the full disclosure principle

One appalling breach of active ethics is when a player finds himself in that awkward situation of not knowing what his partner's bid means. Not only will this cause him to go into the tank giving his partner the message he is having this problem, but should his opponents ask about the bid, incomplete, false or ambiguous answers will follow. If tops are achieved through misinterpreted bids, based on ignorance, forgetfulness and/or confusion.....all of which are both unfortunate and unnecessary......they must be classified as hollow and undeserved.

However, the most serious breach, in my opinion, occurs when partnership deviate from their system card, having tendencies to open light in 3rd position, to pre-empt ( say at the 3 level on a 5 card suit ), and to make off-centre or unbalanced 1NT bids. Often, these tendencies have developed into some kind of understanding, but will they be marked on their card.....or verbally communicated to their opponents ? Only when this happens will the opponents get access to the same information about the existence of these possible bidding deviations. But do these deviations lead them into trouble? Not on your life....because if a bid could be weak or strong, clarification or asking bids will certainly be employed. Indeed, one of our club's best players often sticks in a light opener in 3rd position, especially when the circumstances are right, and it's the type of hand makes it perfect sense. When I asked him afterwards his reasoning for sticking 1C bid in on 8HCPs, his answer was most comprehensive : " Not likely to be doubled....favourable vulnerability ....my QJ108 of clubs provides partner with a safe lead if the oppo get to 3NT.....partner won't go wild having already passed.....and the oppo might well place me for having a card that is in my partner's mitt... "

Yet my issue with him was that did his partner have an understanding about the likelihood of light 3rd hand openers, based on either his reputation, and/or past experience ? Were these stated conditions ( circumstances ) those his partner was fully aware, where the possibility of such a frisky opening bid was that much greater ? A grey area indeed. If any type of violation or deviation from the system card can be anticipated or expected, then disclosure of such a possibility must be made.

No player of course is required to adhere rigidly to what is marked on hisher card, and psychs for instance are both an ethical and exciting feature of the game. Without doubt, the art of deception is what makes bridge such a beautiful and abstract game. But the deception has to apply equally to all 3 other players, not just the opposing pair. The surprise element must be the same all round for equity to remain uncompromised. I remember one instance when our own senior TD, who was partnering this same great player, saw the opponents sail into 3NT after his partner had opened the bidding....and he had useful values himself. At the end of play, when the contract failed by 1 trick he boldly announced : " If I had been partnering anyone else I would have doubled ". Now what does that tell you about full disclosure and active ethics ?

And on a final note, I want to come back to my gripe about overly complex bidding systems and system cards that come bound as books. These players know damn well, their cards can not or will not be read fully ( let alone understood ). They also know that any questions asked might well involve lengthy answers, which become by definition incomprehensible, or abbreviated answers that clearly fall short of full disclosure. Add to that the multitude of artificial bids that warrant a barrage of enquiry bids before one of the possible hands explained finally emerges as the reality, then whatever was said at the beginning was nothing more than a confusing fog.

Bridge will become a much better game when the playing fields really start as as level. Bridge players, like all other sportsmen, should play with equipment that rigidly adheres to internationally agreed specifications. The game's administrators have allowed the proliferation of complex bidding systems, conventions and gadgets to get so out of control...............that the quest for full disclosure is nothing more than a joke.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.................................

• Ace : one of the chosen few you would love to partner
• Red : the colour most players see during table altercations
• Pin : a small metal object you stick into the personalised voodoo dolls of the game's administrators
• Movement : something irritable bowel players hate to be caught out by
• Menace : an over used but very apt term to descibe Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Run : the way that some players have to move on foot towards the toilet, after a sudden movement has been announced
• Stiff : the sensation a male member might experience when a young attractive lady player comes to his table
• Frigid : the most common characteristic of young attractive female players

RETRIBUTION............ ( A dark poem by Carp )

Partner...........

Feel free to stare

Feel free to glare

I'm determined to enjoy my bridge

Feel free to brag

Feel free to nag

My skin is as thick as a rhino's

Feel free to cringe

Feel free to whinge

There's nothing you can do to upset me

Feel free to abuse me

Feel free to accuse me

You can be whatever bastard you like

But once this game is over

Could be time for me to have fun

Time for you to run for your life

Why look... I'm holding this gun

Because hunting " animals " like you

Is no idle boast

For you're the type of "game "

I really love the most

BIGOT GOES BALLISTIC AGAIN...................... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Although Bigot has a deep hatred of Percy Pantopod, he has also come to regard me as his nemisis. Whenever he encounters me at the table, he convinces himself that I'm about to put one over him......... no matter what measures, tactics and strategies he might choose to employ. In his world of magical thinking, I can not be beaten.

Why just the other night, we met up for two boards during a regular duplicate. The first one, Bigot was a tad unlucky to get a below average score, but on the second board two remarkable things happened. The hand was as follows: I held J98....1098xxx......x....J107 opposite my partner's Axx.....(void)....AJxxxx......AKxx.

First off was the auction itself. Bigot's partner, sitting West, opened the bidding with a weak 2 hearts on; xxx....KQJxx....Q....Q654, which led to this unbeleivable sequence of calls: 3D, Double ( penalty ), Pass, Pass, Redouble ( help ), Pass, 3H, Pass, Pass, Double ( penalty ), Pass, Pass, Redouble ( help ), Pass, 3S, Pass, Pass, Double ( penalty ), Pass, Pass, Redouble ( help ), Pass, Pass, Pass ( no where to go ). And so it took 15 bids to move from 2H to 3S, and 9 more bids after that to end the auction on 3S, albeit redoubled. Three times Bigot doubled for penalties, and 3 times North put in a redouble for help. As for me I was up against it having to make 9 tricks, having only 2 HCPs only, and a very ropey 3 card trump suit . Bigot of course was ready to pounce with his KQ10x...Ax....K1098x.....98, convinced that he and his partner held the majority of trumps.

But the really remarkable thing was the outcome. West failed to lead a trump at trick one. What possessed him to lead the King of hearts instead, I do not know......but it certainly caused Bigot to become possessed. All I could do still was set about making the best of a bad job. I ruffed in dummy, cashed two top clubs, and Ace of diamonds. Next came a diamond ruff in hand, but when West discarded I knew for sure there was a God out there on my side . A second heart was ruffed in dummy, and another diamond was ruffed in hand ( unmolested ). A third heart was ruffed in dummy with the Ace ( Bigot by now was going ape shit ), and another diamond from dummy was ruffed with my last trump. Contract made....producing a very fortuitous +960 for an unexpected and undisputed top.

Bigot of course went so ballistic, it took several members to hold him down before powerful sedatives could be injected into his buttock.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY......................

• Cut : 1 of a 1000 partner will inflict upon you as punishment for your transgressions
• Unacceptable call : a request to the club steward for another drink, which unfortunately is " after hours "
• 2 club response : this occurs when both opponents lay into you simultaneously, each using something akin to a truncheon
• Turn : a sudden but dramatic change of mood, which sees contentment and compliance being replaced by irritation and awkwardness
• Convention : a collective noun for a rather large huddle of smug, cocky, back-scratching, bridge playing sycophants
• Support bid : something you never get from a selfish, contract hogging, egocentric partner
• Pack : a term which was first coined in an Alaskan BC over 50 years ago, when a large number of players (52 in all ) set about to hunt down and hound out a member, who they desperately wanted to see the back of. The story handed down was that they kept on howling away at the committee members until they finally relented. Then the committee used a trumped up charge against him to impose a life-long ban. " The Ballad Of Old Neil Peck " became a well known Canadian folk song, in which the lyrics detailed the whole sorry saga.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT BEGGAR BELIEF.......( Sighs Pun )

• I'm A Winner ......At Long Last !.................................Lauda Bove
• The Captain Needs Me To Get A Result.......................Ann Corman
• Why Am I So Cold, Partner ?......................................Dora Jarr
• Bridge Final's Exciting Climax....................................E. I. M. Cummin
• Tight Contracts.....I Love Them !................................Leah Tard
• Playing Good Bridge Requires A Clear Head.................Dizzy Hites
• Partner, I'm Prepared To Bury The Hatchet................Olive Branch
• Entering Bridge Heaven.............................................Pearl E. Gates
• Complex Approach Bidding Helps Defenders More.......Daisy Picking
• Keeping Bridge Travel Costs Down..............................Cher Ackar

BRIDGE PLAYER'S LAMENT..................... ( A literary masterpiece discovered By Bridgemeister Gibson inside an old and rare second-hand bridge book, he bought at a recent car boot sale )

I never cry

I never nag

I never shout

I never brag

I never cheat

I never wail

I'm happy to lose

I'm happy to fail

I never moan

I never bite

I never niggle

I never fight

I never snarl

I never snap

Hey what I've just said

Is a whole load of crap

Because when I play bridge

I become a changed man

And all these good virtues

Go straight down the pan

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE SIAR SYNDROME

Most psychological and personality disorders affecting bridge players are obvious to all those looking on. However, there is one hidden syndrome that many of us fail to notice in others, simply because victims tend to hide the symptoms very well. Called the SIAR syndrome, this debilitating condition leaves its victims depleted, defeated, dejected, demoralised and depressed. It's an affliction that makes these victims cry out to themselves: " Why me ? "

SIAR is an acronym for " Stuck-In-A-Rut ", and a rut by definition is a settled or established habit or course of action, which leads to boredom, misery, and depression. The phrase " in a rut " alludes to having a wheel stuck in a groove in the road, which is hard to escape.

In bridge the " conventional " rut relates to a player who finds him/herself trapped in a never-ending sequence of poor decisions, bad luck and wretched results. No matter how hard a victim tries to escape (or rectify ) this situation , the more entrenched it becomes. Some players, who desperately try to get out of the rut, behave as if they were digging their way out of a hole. All they end up doing is making the hole bigger !

What's worse for these victims is that because it was so easy for them to fall into such ruts, any escape may only provide a temporary reprieve..... bridge being such a cruel and merciless game. Smart arse commentators have remarked that the great advantage of being in a rut is that victims knows exactly where they are at. Well, for them to know they are at the bottom.......trapped in some horrible abyss.......offers no comfort at all, since it is a situation they find hard to accept. As another commentator once remarked, " the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions ".

As for helping SIAR victims, this can be " tricky ". Changing the mind sets of players, who have this condition, requires them to initiate crucial changes, such as changing partners, system cards, sitting positions, bidding and play strategies, habits and rituals they feel comfortable with...and possibly even bridge clubs. For most victims the idea of change is a " no-no ", as their current mind set convinces them " that'll never work " or " too risky..... need to play it safe ". As a consequence of this negativity, the cycle of disadvantage remains unbroken. Sadly, procrastination and SIAR go hand in hand. " But I might change that in the future " are words that are nothing more than wishful thinking....words that ring disturbingly hollow.

WALKING ON WATER.......................... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Opening leads against slams can turn out to be match winners or match losers. Why just the other day I was involved in a team of 4 ( aggregate scoring ) knock-out match......... and despite my first half heroics we were well down at the break. Then came a succession of very flat part-score boards, where very little was clawed back. However, when the penultimate board came along the miracle happened. Sitting South I was declarer in a vulnerable 6H contract....doubled and redoubled. East, who made the double had already competed with his two suited diamond/spade hand ). I held Qx....KQ9xxx....Kx....10xx, while my partner had been bidding on AK10x.....AJ10x......(void).....KJ9xx. East of course had made a lightner double for an obvious club lead, but my redouble was a pure gamble, because instinct told me we needed a really big result here to win this match.

Everything now depended on what card emerged from West's hand for the opening lead. Had my redouble somehow added confusion to an already foggy mind. Who knows ? But what did emerge from this inept defender was the 6 of spades !! The miracle of walking on water was about to unfold. I naturally took the trick in hand, ruffed a diamond, came back across to my trump queen, for a another diamond ruff with the Ace of hearts. I then played a heart from dummy to run out 5 heart winners in hand. Nine tricks were safely in the bag.

Poor East was squeezed. He couldn't guard spades without having to pitch the queen of clubs, and so a simple throw in with a club resulted in him being end played in spades. Reading his hand required simple logic and deduction, but the walking on water always required a great big dollop of help from The One above. That bumbledog lead resulted in a gain of 3220 points ( +2220 as opposed to -1000 ).......and so the " walking " continued as we sneaked home to an improbable victory by a mere 140 points.

YOU NEVER CAN TELL ... ( A classic Chuck Berry song adapted by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

In bridge, more than any other game unexpected results crop up time and time again. Fate often conspires against the very best players, catapulting complete numpties to the top. How many times do we hear disgruntled players say " How on god's earth did they manage to win ? " So why not adopt this wonderful song as an advert for the game, convincing people " you never can tell " what might happen......because if the gods are up to playing tricks........... then the unexpected will surely happen.

* * * * * * *

It was a most unusual pairing

But the selectors wished them well

Many wondered if they'd hit it off

Fearing that they just wouldn't gel

But boy did their opponents suffer

As they sure did give 'em hell

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

They furnished their system card

With loads of clever devices

Cunning, nasty devious bids

To put their oppo in crisis

And when psyches were used

Boy did they work out well

" C'est la vie" , say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

Their barn-storming sessions

Hit oppos with helluva blast

Gaining eight hundred penalties

And others incredibly vast

But then the game lost its buzz

And their motivation fell

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show you never can tell

So then they took up poker

With their bridge days finally over

Success in this game meant money

Their life was now in clover

So when at last they married

It was a story that ended so well

" C'est la vie ", say the old folks

It goes to show ........you never can tell

LAW REPORT : HEALTH & SAFETY INSPECTORATE v. MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2010 )

( A criminal prosecution was brought against Mrs. Bigot-Johnson for a blatant breach of the regulations relating to the control of hazardous waste, as laid down by the HSAW Act. A short but relevant extract from the recorded notes of the trial can be seen below. )

Prosecuting counsel : Is it not the case Mrs. B that your husband is a complete waste of space....

Mrs B-J : Yes...there's no denying that.....

PC : And..... using your very own words is he not also....... " a complete waste of time " ?

Mrs B-J : That's has always been my opinion...

PC : So in other words he is quite simply " a waste "

Mrs. B-J : Yes....

PC : But a waste ....which you knew was both hazardous and dangerous to others

Mrs. B-J : Well, he's always seems to be cause of every ruction and explosive incident that takes place at his bridge club

PC : Yes, and most of those incidents have all been highlighted earlier on in this trial

Mrs. B-J : Yes...most of them were truly shameful...

PC : I know.....but the crucial fact on which this case turns is that you, Mrs. B, put it upon yourself to lock your husband in at night to stop him going out to the club. You imposed upon yourself the duty to control and make safe this hazardous waste.....which was infact your husband. In law the liability is strict for anyone who (a) has on their land a dangerous thing which is likely to do mischief should it escape, and (b) fails to stop its escape by some careless act or omission. By failing in your duty Mrs. B, you are prima facie answerable for all the damage, which was clearly a direct consequence of a tragic oversight .

Mrs.B-J : I never realised....but surely the club should not have let him in ?

PC : Interesting point, but your husband was still a paid-up member....and not under any ban at that time. Therefore, he had a right to enter. However, you were the one who was operating a ban at your end, having volunteered to become his jailer. The duty to stop him going into the club was yours....and yours alone.

Mrs B-J : Oh....

PC : And once your husband got to the bridge club, several players then became traumatised by his appalling behaviour, and his endless histrionics. The psychological damage he caused to these poor people was immense.

Mrs. B-J : I'm so sorry, but I didn't know the crafty old devil had managed to steal... and copy..... a set of keys behind my back....

PC : Sadly for you, that excuse does not add up to a viable defence.....because, when you have under your control a hazardous waste like that, it must be locked away very, very securely. The greater the risk the greater the standard of care imposed upon you. Your husband can be likened to a toxic poison.....and your carelessness, regretfully, let him loose. Is there you any comment you would like to make at this stage of the trial ?

Mrs. B-J: Just one.........................Bugger

ANIMAL FARM SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE...... ( Fantasy bridge story by Pun )

Life on the farm had not changed much, with " equality " still the norm.......except when it came to playing bridge. Here, there were two clear divisions : those who can play the game ......and those who can't. Indeed, all the animals took up big stakes rubber bridge as a way of enhancing their modest income, which of course came from an equal share of the farm's weekly profits. This year the farm was holding a winner-takes-all rubber bridge tournament, where the triumphant pair would walk away with all the booty. The last two pairs, who made it through to the final play-off were the much fancied Chicken Licken and Billy Boy Boxer, up against the rank outsiders Percy Pig and Orson Carte.

Now down to the last few boards, both pairs were level on 19500 points in the race to reach 20,000 first. One successful game bid and made could secure victory for either of them. Percy Pig was first to bid. He had been wallowing for some time in the glory of a remarkable come back from being several thousand down. He was now ready to bring home the bacon to please his wife, but the hand he picked up filled his head with both dismay and disappointment : xx....x...Q1098xxxx....QJ. Reluctantly, Percy elected to pass, as did Billy-Boy.

Orson, who was born on another farm not far from Canterbury, had come to regard his partner as " the hideous hog ". Trying to end up as declarer had been like flogging a dead horse......but Percy had been playing like a demon over the last few rubbers......pulling in one contract after another. Who the hell said pigs can't fly ? However, his hand was also bereft of HCPs except for two Black Beauties ( Aces ) : Axx...xx....Jxx.....Axxxx.

He too elected to pass.

In the fourth seat was Chicken Licken, who was now looking cock-a-hoop. His hand was almost a two-level opener : KJ10....AKQ10xx......A.....xxx, but 1H was his preferred bid. Again Percy passed, but Billy Boy suddenly had his tail up too. His Q10xxx....Jxxx....K......Kxx surely was enough to make 4H a simple formality. He wanted to go home top dog, looking to give some of the winning stake money to his girlfriend Kay Nine. So the 4H bid hit the table, followed by two more passes.

But Percy Pig had other ideas. He too wanted the money for his piggy bank.....and so a 5D sacrifice might well keep them in the match.....at least for a bit longer. Two more passes quickly followed. Chicken Licken was at the cross-roads. Aware his mind was tiring ( he was no spring chicken anymore ), he knew much depended on making the right call. He needed this tournament win to keep his place in the top of pecking order. He couldn't risk 5H, when a double might be far more profitable. To bid on could leave him with egg on his face. Laying down a " double " was his best option alright. And it was this bid that ended the auction.

Billy Boy pondered hard and long. " You to find a lead " said Orson, whose dry throat made his voice sound rather hoarse. Thinking that the jack of hearts seemed the best bet, he was pleasantly surprised when it won the first trick. On seeing a second heart in dummy, he decided to continue with the suit ! How wrong that turned out to be. This was ruffed by Percy, who prompted led out a small diamond felling both the stiff king and Ace. A belated switch by Chicken to a spade was taken in dummy with the Ace, and after a successful club finesse, followed by the suit being ruffed out, there was an established club set up in dummy to provide a parking space for Percy's losing spade. Contract made.

Percy Pig, despite having a stye in his eye, winked at his partner. This was the Trigger for Orson to rear up in delight. A quick gallop poll of the onlooking kibitzers certainly revealed how much they wanted Percy to win . Chicken Licken was now spitting feathers, unable to keep his pecker up. He knew his final bid wasn't up to scratch. Billy Boy then barked at him in no uncertain terms : " I have a bone to pick with you. Not only was it a foul double......but you could have overtaken my jack of hearts, switching to a spade before the diamonds had been played. " Chicken stretched out his neck and replied : " Don't give me that innocent hang-dog look.....my 10 of hearts was a command to you to lead spades, because if I wanted a heart continuation I would have surely over-taken your jack ....you fool. "

And while those two carried on arguing, the winners slipped away to stuff the prize money in their pockets as fast as they could. Would life on animal farm ever be the same again ?

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................

Dear Rebecca,

Do you think there is too much snobbery and elitism in the world of bridge ?

Yours still unable to get inside the inner circle, Toby Shaw

Dear Toby,

As in any world of sport, players are drawn towards those they most identify with, possessing the same qualities, aims and ambitions. Experts will seek out experts, and losers will only find the comfort of equality by partnering other losers. In every bridge club players tend to find their own level, mixing and mingling with those they recognise as equals.

Elitism as such does not exist as something sinister or nasty. Nor is it a blatant demonstration of seclusion and superiority. The situation occurs simply because of an innate instinct we share with birds.....where, if we are of the same feather, we flock together. So it is best all round, if you can go and find your own outer circle.

As for your suggestion that snobbish attitudes might well prevail in the world of bridge, I am tempted to side with you on that one. In every group there are always one or two individuals who are pretentious, stuck up, uppish, uppity, and so-up-arses-of-their peers. These are the tossers who relish the idea of looking down on others below, with absolute disdain and rejection. They crave for elitist status, resenting the time they may have to spend mixing with the mere mortals....the riff raff .....the motley crews....that are all too common within bridge club memberships.

But on a completely different note....... what what really gets my blood boiling is the way that book publishers take the snobbish view that the only bridge material worth printing comes from well-known high profile celebrity players. Thank god for the net, I say, and the wonderful bridge bloggers out there, who produce great stuff for free.....most of which is very readable and entertaining. I have read dozens of bridge books over the years, but only a few were well worth the money I shelled out. As for the rest...well, the content was nothing more than mediocre and uninspiring. In that respect, bloggers have put such authors to shame.

And has any newspaper or book publisher ever come knocking on my door to publish my letters ? Not a chance....Why is that....... given my genius, sharp wit and unquestionable wisdom ? ....Answer : Not only do I remain fairly anonymous........but by my association with The Bigot has done irreparable damage to what little reputation I once had.

Yours struggling more than ever to make a breakthrough into the big time, Rebecca Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT BIG IN THE USA...... ( Fumes Pun )

• Let's Rid The Game Of Unethical Players.......................Warren Cheets
• I'll Tell You What Happened To Me At Crockfords............Kay M. Last
• Bridge In Ireland Comes of Age......................................Pat Land
• Chinese Grandmaster Loses Again .............................Sum Ting Wong
• What? You've Never Scored Less Than 60% ..................R. U. Furreal
• If You Want To Win At Teams, Bring In The Big Boys......J. C. Bees
• Partner, I Have A Request.............................................Heywood Jablome
• Knowing Who Holds The Missing Queen Is Easy...........Ike Entell
• If You Want A Monkey As A Partner Then......................Marian Hape
• Bridge Professionals Go Undercover..............................Ida Downe

SOME DECLARERS ARE JUST TOO DAMN GOOD.......( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

Sometimes there is no justice in this world, when say on the verge of glory you happen to meet the one player who is and always be will your nemisis. There I was...up against a player who oscillates from being brilliant one minute to misreading bids and/or revoking the next. But against me......he always comes good......and this hand was no exception.

Love all....and so I opened the bidding with a super-mini 1NT ( 8-10 points). This was followed by a double from North, and two more passes. I redoubled, pass, and my partner bids 2C showing clubs and a major. Now this time round, it was The Man in the South chair who doubled. So I redoubled again ( saying partner please name your major ), pass, 2H from partner, double from The Man, pass....... and 2S by North. Now The Man bid 3NT to end the auction.

I led the 6 of heart, and dummy came down with AQ109x.....A.....A10xx......xxx, and declarer's hand as it turned out was Kx.....Q9xx....Q8x......KJxx. He clearly had a lot of work to do.

So he set off after taking the first trick in dummy with the stiff Ace, to play a diamond to his queen and my king. So I fired back another heart to be taken by my partner's king. At trick 4 partner returned the 10 of hearts taken by declarer's queen. Then the came the sickenly successful finesse of my diamond jack. So when he came back to hand with the king of spades, he sweetly finessed me for the jack of spades (!) to make the contract....giving me zero match points.

Sure enough the scoresheet was littered with 3NT-1 all over the place, with the defence making 1S, 1D, 2H and 1C.

Why pick on me ?....I said to myself. And why play me for both jacks ? .....I said to him. His answer was both thoughtful and polite. " Two clues were there. You had come up with KJ of diamonds, and by inference the heart jack. So if you didn't hold the club Ace then it was almost certain you had the club queen and the spade jack. Moreover, if you did hold the club Ace, then you couldn't have the club queen......but still enough room to possess the spade jack. However, the main clue was your second redouble.....saying please partner choose your major. This indicated....but not conclusively....that you much preferred to play in a major, which suggested to me the presence of BOTH 4 card majors in your hand.

Upon my tortured soul.... how right he was, since I held : Jxxx......Jxxx......KJx....Qx

And the next board.....well history repeated itself yet again, when he pulled off one more piece of magic to dump me with another galactic bottom. Some declarers it seems are just too damn good.........

( Adapted from an original article written by Dave Robinson for Sheffield BC newsletter )

BIGOT JOHNSON'S BLOG WINS PRAISE INDEED..................

Dear Howard,

I was reading with great delight one of your recent posts by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber, who was trying to explain why he perceived the world of bridge as incredibly bizarre. Some of his observations had dark undertones to them, but this is not a criticism.....................because the bridge world which I belong to is so dark and so weird, it's positively scary.

So here's my tuppence worth of observations as to why there is nothing to match the bizarre world of bridge, since this is where you really can expect to see the following :

- long term friendships ending in a matter of seconds

- people you have known as peace campaigners throwing down gauntlets left, right and centre

- partners who claim to be your friend constantly crucifying you behind your back

- more dishonesty going on than in a den of thieves

- loving husbands refusing to play with their wives ( and vice versa )

- arrogance and pomposity running riot

- players showing complete ignorance and/or contempt for the laws of the game

- nepotism rearing its head in all its various forms

- people doubting the sanity of others............ as well as their own

- members defending the indefensible

- players bad mouthing others for being ill-mannered

- highly educated people, with high powered jobs, failing to solve the simplest play problems

- players, who have no problem remembering tittle-tattle gossip, failing to recall the last card played

- people, who are oblivious to the sensitivity of others, whinging at the slightest untoward comment made against them

Yours a man like yourself, the one and only.......Fen Boy

LOOKING AHEAD TO TRICK 10...... AT TRICK ONE ! ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

The only way to be successful at bridge is to think ahead ....and plan ahead. My partner and I needed a couple tops to cement our number one position. I was dealt AKQ3....KQ7.....KQ107......A9, but my partner held a more modest 954...62....A942.....KQ62.

Six diamonds was a lay-down with 12 certain tricks, but I opted to take a punt at 6NT. However, with bad breaks there might only be ten tricks on top, However this became eleven, when East lead out the jack of diamonds at trick one. Now, by leading up to the king of hearts presumably taken by East with the Ace, I could take 8 tricks out of the first nine : 3 top spades, 4 diamonds and at trick nine, the Ace of clubs. This would leave a 4 card ending : me with 3.....Q7...(no diamonds).....9, and dummy with (no spades)... 6...(no diamonds)....KQ6. THE SQUEEZE WAS ON. East who started out with a 2-5-2-4 distribution was obviously holding 3 clubs to J108 and 1 decent heart. West who was clearly holding onto the boss spade, now only had room for 2 hearts and a club.

If now the 9 of clubs is played to dummy queen, with the king to follow. West is well and truly fixed : he must surrender the 10 of spades or the 8 of hearts. Slam made.......top well earned.

In other scenarios, the defenders are in similar trouble since between them they had to guard against 3 clubs winners, 2 heart winners and 1 spade winner, but each only had four cards to achieve this impossible goal. If East had the 3 clubs and the winning spade, then the queen of hearts at trick 10 squeezes him straightaway.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................

Dear Rebecca,

The other day I opened 1NT ( playing Acol 12-14), and I got severely reprimanded by partner after it was doubled...vulnerable....going off 5.....for minus 1400. The hand in question was Q76....K954....KQ....Q742. Had I made a big mistake or what ? Did I deserve such condemnation and abuse ? For here was I, partnering a hypocrite of a man, who informed me later on that he plays a mini notrump ( 10-12 Ist/2nd position ) with his regular partner.

Yours struggling to see the logic of his argument, Misty Windows

Dear Misty,

I'm afraid I'm with your partner on this one. Your opening 1NT bid was ill-judged and woefully naive, being a 12 HCP load of filth. Using a back-up zar point count method of evaluating your hand, your total only comes to 22 ( 12+8 + 2 ), which is 4 short of the required total to open the bidding at the one level. This should tell you, given the adverse vulnerability, to keep your mouth shut.

Indeed, looking at this hand from other perspectives :

- having 5 HCPs tied up in a 2 card suit is bad news

- if the opponents hold the Ace of diamonds , the king is effectively worth diddly squat ( nothing )

- lacking useful intermediates weakens the hand even further

- there is no decent suit to speak of

If you must open on such tat, I suggest you open 1C ( even if it was a 3 card suit ), because there is no way that it is ever likely to be doubled for penalties...and then left in.

As for your partner using the mini notrump, I bet you a king's ransom he only opens the bidding where the circumstances are right : green against red, honours in his longest suits, and possibly holding a 5 card suit other than spades. Even if he gets doubled, I dare say he has a few wriggle options available, and should he end up going off 4 for minus 800, the net damage might only be minus 180......with the opponents having a near certain game contract on their way.

So please remember this : you are not obliged to open 1NT 0n 12 HCPs if the hand is riddled with poor features and glaring weaknesses. You can also come to life if partner enters the bidding......or protect...... later on.

Yours wondering what the bridge world is coming too,

Rebecca Rood