BIGOT-JOHNSON : THE ULTIMATE BRIDGE CLUB CHAIRMAN

Having formed the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, it came as no surprise when Bigot immediately installed himself as chairman. Under his stewardship a whole new breed of bridge players have suddenly emerged from this darkest corner of the bridge world. So wrapped up in his own success and glory, he has decided to write a manual on " How To Be The Consummate Bridge Club Chairman " . The essential qualities are listed below :

1. Even under pressure always give the impression you are in total control, by either adopting an air of false confidence or outrageous arrogance

2. Never reveal your meglomaniac ambitions : spread the rumour you're only doing the job out of a sense of duty

3. Prioritise your personal agenda over and above all others

4. Never inform the membership as to what is really going on , because let's face it from their perspective ignorance is bliss

5. Deal with all important matters in secret with the chosen few, using the regular mundane committees meetings to rubber stamp what has already been decided

6. Never enter incriminating facts or details into the published minutes, making sure the end product is (a) vague in its brevity, and (b) sanitised in its format

7. Always display a correct sombre air during heated exchanges at AGMs

8. If members openly challenge or criticise you, then start up " a little black book " detailing all the misdemeanours ( big or small ) they may have committed . This information will prove invaluable later on when evidence is needed to sling them out.

9. If these errant members don't play ball by remaining squeaky clean, then create conflict situations which might provoke them into doing out-of-character things, creating wonderful opportunities to bring about trumped up letters of complaint

10. View skeptically any suggestions by members that could alter the status quo , or change the way the club is run

11. Revise the club's constitution on a regular basis in order to consolidate more power to your elbow

12. Feel free to say and do what you like having created exemptions for yourself under the revised constitution

13. Always generate a few fictitious problems which of course require no fixing. Then announce to all members your success in removing these problems, knowing this will inspire the more gullible saps to vote you back in

14. Develop within the club a culture of apathy and indifference as this makes your task so much easier

15. Surround yourself by sycophants and people you can easily influence and beguile

16. Stay on your toes, keep your ears pricked, never walk down dark corridors alone, and routinely check out the underneath of your car

A NEARLY TRUE STORY ............... By Bridgemeister Gibson

As usual Bigot was up to his old tricks again. While driving along a country lane he noticed Percy Pantopod, a good 5o yards ahead of him, walking his beloved poodle . Accelerating at full speed, he then accidently ran over the dog and clipped poor Percy in the process. This sent him spiralling into a ditch with injuries to both his ribs and collar bone.

Not surprisingly Percy decided to take Bigot to court, claiming substantial damages for his injuries resulting from the gross negligence of the maniacal driver. However, being a rather astute bridge player, Bigot knew the importance of seeking out information, and using it to his full advantage.

So he asked his solicitors, Shyster, Shyster and Flywheel, for some background information about the judge assigned to the case. He was desperate to know if it was worth his while to send the judge a bottle of whiskey.

" No chance " said Shyster, " Once this teetotalling, highly principled judge gets to know who sent it, that person has blotted his copy book big time...........not to mention trying to pervert the course of justice ".

" What ....." snapped Bigot, " there's no bloody way I can bribe him ?...........that's terrible ! "

However, a month later when the trial was over Bigot was approached by Shyster, who was stunned to the core over this reprobate's amazing courtroom triumph. " In God's name...how did you do it ? By my reckoning, the plaintiff looked certain to win. "

Bigot could not refrain himself from being deplorably obnoxious, smug and smarmy, as he wallowed in the glory of his genius. " I knew I'd win, I sent that bigwig bugger 12 bottles of Scotch ".

" You did what " gasped Shyster.

" Yes.....I sent the judge a case full of the stuff with a little card inside ........with Percy's name of course printed clearly on it ! "

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (Mrs) 1997

( Having walked out on his wife in 2002, Bigot-Johnson finally decided to report her to the police after several incidents at his local bridge club, where she inflicted upon him her devastating brand of retributive justice. She was therefore brought before a Crown court judge to face some very serious criminal charges. A very brief snippet from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge : Well, Bigot ....as the victim of her brutality, I see that you are the main prosecution witness

B-J : Yes...that is correct

Judge : And I take it that your separation was very a acrimonious one ?

B-J : That's an understatement..................the woman is still spitting feathers.........determined as ever to make my life hell

Judge : Well I must say.....she's a hefty looking woman alright.........someone who really knows how to handle herself in a scrap.....why just look at the size of her fists.......they're like boulders !

B-J : Oh yes.....she's a brute alright

Judge : And so you are alleging that whenever your paths crossed .... as they often did.......at your local bridge club , she would set about you in no uncertain terms.....and give you a damn good beating ?

B-J : Yes...yes....that's exactly right

Judge : So...just how often did she beat you ?

B-J : Every.......sodding.........time

Judge : You poor man.......I can see how that must have really hurt you........

HOW TO KICK YOUR PARTNER INTO TOUCH WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO TELL HIM HE'S CRAP....................... ( A follow up article by Carp )

Yes......we've all been there......wanting to dump a partner, who unfortunately cherishes and worships his regular fourth Thursday outing with you. A partner who is by nature a decent sort of guy, someone who you feel is too delicate to be told the truth about how wretched he is at bridge.

Clearly other options must be pursued if one is too shake off this friendly leech for once and for all. Some clever ruse or strategy that will compel him to leave the partnership of his own accord. This will of course relieve you from the burden of giving him the hard and unpalatable truth about his woeful shortcomings.

So here are some of my top tips on how to severe the umbilical cord :

1. Discover his greatest fear and exploit that weakness to your full advantage. If for instance he happens to be an extreme homophobic, then come onto him in the strongest way possible. Indulge in lewd and obscene gestures of intent. Follow him to the toilet with that look of expectation and anticipation. This strategy should over time force him to end the partnership arrangement.

2. Develop the most disgusting and off-putting habits imaginable. Lower your standard of personal hygiene to near zero. Once you discover what makes him really squirm, milk it for all it is worth. Rolling bogies is a real winner, alongside inspecting lumps of ear wax you've gorged out from your hairy ears.

3. Endeavour to create and exploit opportunities to meet and converse with his wife or girlfriend. Follow this up with relentless questions about her movements, whereabouts and sexual prowess. Jealousy and deep suspicion will quickly poison your relationship, thereby guaranteeing the end of these Thursday outings.

4. Break the habit of this regular arrangement. Tell him you have joined a bible reading class that also meets up on the fourth Thursday. ( In reality you will playing playing bridge out of town under an assumed name ). Once he has resigned himself to playing with a new partner in your absence, start to return on an intermittent basis. If he makes no enquiries or suggestions as to " re-starting the arrangement ", then the path is clear for a complete Thursday night return to the club.

5. Spread false rumours about yourself which would embarrass anyone who knows or befriends you. If for instance he is very conscious about preserving his reputation as a non-racist, then spread the news that you have joined the National Front, and how passionate you are about ethnic cleansing by enforced deportation. Moreover, if your hapless partner believes strongly in the Christian values, spread rumours about your involvement with secret black mass societies, which engage in devil worship, bacchanalian orgies, sado-masochistic practices and general all round naughtiness. Once he finds your values totally incompatible with his, the end of your partnership will be swift and sudden.

Indeed, given the fact there are so many ways to skin a cat, then there is no reason at all to believe you cannot extricate yourself from a noddy. There is no room for such negative thinking. . All you need to do is get creative, get active and get rid. Putting partners out to pasture is as easy as " shelling " peas.

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN A PARTNER YOU WANT TO KICK INTO TOUCH KICKS YOU INTO TOUCH FIRST............ ( Article by Carp )

1. Don't make any attempt to put them off their stride. Let them do all the talking and don't even contemplate interrupting their flow of conversation.

2. Strive to be a martyr. Stay dignified at all times, but adopt the look of a wounded deer. Using facial expressions and other appropriate forms of body language ( head bowed forward, slumped shoulders ) express your shock, grief and disappointment. Milk these negative emotions for all your worth.

3. Make absolutely sure you don't leave the door open for a possible U-turn or reconciliation. If they say " Maybe we could give it another go sometime in the future ", shake your limp head bravely and reply " No....there's no need to spare my feelings.....it's right that you should call it a day, and move on ".

4. Maximise your martyrdom. Acknowledge the fact that all your achievements were down to them. Acknowledge the fact that you are holding back their progress. Tell them that you will eventually recover from this set back, but in the short term comfort lies in the old adage " a change is as good as a rest ". Speak wistfully about your fondest memories, and the best moments you had together. Lines such as " Wow, do you remember slam we made on a combined 9 count ", and " What about that time we doubled two internationals for a 1700 penalty ".

5. Finally, as you make your way out of the club, stick in a hefty reminder that teaming up again is completely out of the question. This distressing experience is proving to be so painful, the thought of it happening to you again would be too unbearable.

6. Once outside the club and well out of earshot, scream at the top of your voice " Hallelujah..........Thank you Lord....... and I do believe in miracles ! "

ADVERTISING FEATURE :

.................................

READ BIGOT-JOHNSON, AND REALLY UP YOUR GAME

.................................

A preview of the most sensational bridge book event to hit the shelves ......yes it is the long awaited BIGOT'S SECRET FILES

A must read bridge bible for gifted players who need an extra dimension to their game, and for the countless others who really need to up their game if only to become half-decent.

The book reveals amazing secrets of how to get away with murder, using ingenious but completely undetectable coffee-housing tactics, unethical practices, and oh-so-subtle forms of cheating, on those all important hands.

For over 30 years, the author employed these methods so successfully and with such breath-taking simplicity, that even most alert and observant opponents never suspected a thing. This enabled Bigot, despite his mediocre ability, to share the podium with many top class internationals. Although he never won a major competition, he certainly walked away with a great deal of prize money.

Every chapter is packed with priceless advice on how to employ the dark art of appearing to play within the rules when in fact the opposite is true. Indeed, three chapters are devoted to using your knowledge of the rules to either hoodwink and bamboozle unsuspecting opponents, especially to gain an unfair advantage, such as a winning score adjustment. Readers who are prepared to be unscrupulous are guaranteed to improve their scores, once they start employing just a few of the ideas and techniques suggested in the book.

Bigot's Secret Files has unfortunately been condemned by many bridge organisations across the world, but despite all their efforts to have the book banned, thousands of copies are still available for sale. Most will be sold from the back of big white vans coming soon into your area . These will turn up at night ( as advertised ) in unlit car parks located behind disreputable pubs, brothels, gambling dens and strip clubs. Drivers will all be wearing the same blue and white T-shirts, mariners' hats, and hideous black false moustaches.

With 400 pages to wade through it is one helluva read, but well worth every penny of its £160 price tag.

ANOTHER

SHOCKING

INCIDENT FROM OUTSIDE

THE

SLAUGHTER

HOUSE BC

......

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER INTERVIEWS THE DESIGNER OF THE FLYING BRIDGE MATE.............

Dr : What inspired you to hit upon a design that resembles a piece of cut cheese that looks like a giant door wedge ?

Des : Well, my first job was working for NASA on small lightweight space craft design....

Dr : I can see its airborne potential, but what were the key design principles behinds its shape and size ?

Des : Well, firstly it had to have a modern and ergonomic design, which enabled it to fit neatly on every bridge table...

Dr : And....of course....to fit snugly into a person's hand ?

Des : Yes.....and being very much aware of how bridge players lose their cool and look around for an object to throw, I set about designing the bridgemate to provide them with a handy solution

Dr : So I take it then the design included many aerodynamic qualities ?

Des : Indeed, it did.....the key aspects of its wedge shape meant it could fly through the air at phenomenal speed, if launched with sufficient thrust from a throwing hand. The relationship of its surfaces to its shape and mass established near perfect aerodynamic configuration sizing parameters

Dr : Amazing......yes, I do recall reading an article in the Bridge World, where the Slaughter House Bridge Club hold bridgemate throwing competitions every month. One chap even managed to hurl one well over 80 metres !

Des : Yes.....its projection capability is tremendous, and its small lightweight body ensured even the frailest of people could manage 15 metres without any difficulty. It was very important that the drag co-efficient factor was kept to an absolute minimum

Dr : Wow....but were there any other design factors taken on board, so to speak ?

Des : Oh yes........its frame and case design, along with its aerodynamic size equations of motion, both of which helped maximise flight performance........plus target range prediction and likely flight path trajectories.

Dr : Boy....do you know your stuff...

Des : It's all do to my passion and love of Stars Wars....

Dr : And what of the future......any more flying objects in mind ?

Des : So glad you asked.....I'm now working on packs of playing cards....hoping to design a very firm but thin, lacquered playing card which has the capability of being flicked with unerring accuracy and power towards its intended target. Its razor sharp edges should be able to penetrate the toughest of outer-clothing and human skin.

Dr : You're insane......

Des : Indeed I am.....

PUN REVIEWS FOUR MORE STUNNING NEW BRIDGE BOOKS.....

• Declare Play Technique : Checking Out The Danger from Both Opponents........by Clare Leftt and Clare Wright is one of the best bridge books to come out for quite some time. All the hands focus on the potential risks and dangers that could jeopardise a seemingly straight forward contract, and how an alert declarer needs to spot the danger in time, in order to find a safe route home.
• In Bridge The Power Of Prayer Must Never Be Overlooked.......by Ima B. Lever contains some very interesting insights on how God can be employed to enhance one's bridge results. The author claims that her recent success in bridge only came about after embracing God into her life. Known within her local bridge club as a bible-bashing, religious zealot, opponents were soon amazed at how often she located missing queens by simply getting out and kneeling on her prayer mat. Constantly mumbling under her breath for requests of help from the Lord Above, she would then proceed to drop singleton offside Kings, bid sacrifices that made, and find partner holding every card she prayed for to beat the opponent's contract.
• Strange, The Club House Seems Deserted...........by Denny Buddy Holme is the sad account of how a small village bridge club ran out of members. Many put the club's demise down to the fact that the young people in the area had no interest in the game, and that as members died off no one came to replace them. However, other people are convinced that the real reason behind dwindling numbers was Bigot-Johnson himself, who single-handedly scared people away through his unacceptable behaviour and outrageous table antics.
• No Way Will We Re-admit You As A Member...........by Doris Schutt is a shocking tale of how an expelled member went to great lengths to re-instate himself back into the fold. Using bribery, voodoo spells, threats, the law courts, cunning disguises, false identities, and friends from within, to bring about a change of mind ( and heart ) of an intransigent committee, the person in question failed miserably in his attempt to find a way back in.

ONE STUDENT IN BIGOT-JOHNSON'S NEW ACADEMY CLASS MAKES THE GRADE.....

Having thrown in the towel on the earlier bunch, Bigot was now pinning hopes on this next class to make the grade. Four lessons in...... the time had come to look at the declarer play problems. He needed to get students to operate " outside the box ". To use a bit of nous, to think laterally and to import invention and creativity, in arriving at answers.

Students who looked at a problem believing it was impossible to solve were according to Bigot " complete tossers ".

He was looking for students with real ability, flair and vision and a never-say-die attitude......especially if they were to become his future partners. So he set them a seemingly impossible problem to see whether or not they had what it takes .

" Imagine class.... there is a man who is both claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time. He fears being enclosed within any 4 walls but he also fears having to venture out into open spaces. What should he do ? Where should he stay ? "

Not surprisingly, the classroom fell silent with most of the students completely bamboozled. Despair and defeatism had pervaded their thinking, except for Bill who instantly raised his arm.

" I know the answer.......he should simply spend all in his life standing in doorways. "

Bigot had at last found his prodigy.

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S TROUBLED CHILDHOOD : DR. JOHN GETS TO THE TRUTH

In the great debate between nature and nurture , I'm inclined to back the latter when it comes to explaining why Bigot-Johnson has become such a warped and twisted individual. My psycho-therapy lessons with this bitter and unfeeling man revealed a very telling truth.

As an abandonned child Bigot was remorsely bullied at the orphanage, where the staff seemed quite content to turn a blind eye to all his suffering .

Every kid, large or small, laughed at him, using spiteful and horrible names, along with a barrage of cruel insults and sarcastic comments.

But then one day, Bigot turned on his tormentors and said : " Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me ".

And it worked ! From that day on, it was sticks and stones all the way......

JOHNNY SUPREMO CLAIMS FINESSES ARE FOR LOSERS.....

During a recent tournament Johnny was in a routine 6H, which to his surprise earned him a whole load of the match points. Here is the hand in question : ( North ) AK.....Q9xx.....Axxx.........QJx. Johnny, in the South seat, was looking at : ..... x.....AKJ10xx......QJ9.......Axx

All around the room declarers were bemoaning their fate by taking losing finesses in both diamonds and clubs. But not Johnny.

On a passive spade lead Johnny took the first 4 tricks with 2 top spades and two top trumps. On the king of spades however, he carefully lobbed one of his clubs away.

Then came a low diamond towards his QJ9 in dummy. Mission accomplished....... irrespective of who held the queen of diamonds ! If West had it and took the trick he was well and truly end played in both minors. A diamond return into Johnny's J9 would set up 3 diamond winners ( for another club discard) , and a club return would guarantee two tricks in that suit to see the contract home.

If East held the diamond king, but decided to duck, then clubs could be played out, conceding one loser to the King but the jack would be established for a diamond discard. If East rises with the King of diamonds only to beat thin air, then yet again 3 diamond winners now come into view for that crucial club discard.

Any spade return simply provides an even easier route home with the obvious ruff and sluff .

So in Johnny's book, finesses should never be employed ......especially when there are other superior options available .

A BLAST FROM THE PAST : A RARE BIGOT-JOHNSON INTERVIEW WITH PERCY PANTOPOD

Percy : What do you want Bigot.....knocking on my door this time of morning ?

B-J : Listen Percy I need your help.....as editor of the bridge club newsletter I have a duty to provide the membership with a bit of interesting gossip and tittle tattle .......... they get fed up reading about problem bridge hands, and write-ups about the same old people adding even more goddamn trophies to their list of successes. Anyway, I believe your good wife has just died, and everyone was always impressed by the way she kept you firmly under her thumb.

Percy : Yes....that's true

B-J : So I thought.....I'd just do a little piece on her........just a few inches so to speak

Percy : Hmmm...I'd rather you didn't

B-J : Look....I'm a bit strapped for material ....... no one has submitted any problem hands..... the last two club competitions have been cancelled for lack of interest...... and members generally are too apathetic to even consider putting pen to paper

Percy : Well.....if you must

B-J : Heaven's above......what a tip this house is in........ it's a disgrace ........mind you, death's a damn good excuse to bunk off the housework.......isn't it ? Why....if my wife were to drop dead, my life at home would be a whole lot easier.

Percy : Would you like a drink ?

B-J : Depends on what she died of .....if it's anything catching, I'd rather not bother

Percy : It was her heart you know.........it was all very sudden.......right in the middle of a game of rubber bridge..

B-J : How inconsiderate of her.....but tell me.....did she slump forward in her chair, or keel over sideways and crash to the floor in a hideous and grosteque fashion

Percy : I can't recall....but I know she spilt a glass of expensive red wine in the process

B-J : What a waste......and oh yes...I can see that horrible red stain on your carpet over there. I bet you could have killed her for that ?

Percy : Yes...I was a bit miffed....the carpet cost me a small fortune, and it had only been down a week

B-J : Oh by the way, I've brought with me a photographer and a look-a-like replcement for your wife. Would it be alright if she could re-enact the moment when your wife was in the throes of death ?A photo of that would really jazz up the obituary section of the newsletter.

Percy : Well, I suppose so......

B-J : And it might work quite well if you could include yourself in the picture...... jumping out of your seat looking really distraught and upset.....

Percy : Sorry....I've changed my mind.....you can all sod off...... good-day..... and good riddance !

B-J : Bugger.....

ANOTHER ALMOST TRUE BUT AMAZING STORY......... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Back at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC there was a surprisingly high turn out for the AGM. During the meeting the chairman stood up and asked members to volunteer for a sponsored half marathon. The money raised would then go to a local charity.

Bigot , still bemoaning the fact that he was to leave another prize giving event empty handed, was unimpressed. So true to form he shouted out from the back of the room : " Piss off.....I've haven't run in years......hell.......I get out of breath just walking between tables ".

" That's a pity ", said the chairman, " this marathon is for handicapped and blind children ".

At this point Bigot immediately jumped out of his chair, brimming with interest and enthusism.

" In that case.....count me in......this is something I could definitely win ! "

AN ALMOST TRUE BUT AMAZING STORY......... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

The Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC has over the years attracted many members from the local farming community. Many of them are inbred as evidenced by both their physical and mental abnormalities. Bigot-Johnson's latest partner happened have extremely big feet, but was by far the smallest player in the club. In fact he was so small he had to stand up at the table in order to play and see the cards.

During one duplicate event the midget man was shifting around in a great deal of discomfort, driving Bigot to distraction. " For God's sake man.....stop fidgeting around....what the devil is up with you ? "

His embarrassed partner, a farmer and occasional novelty circus act performer, looked up to Bigot, and replied in a rather sheepish mannner : " I'm so sorry......but my private parts are so sore.....and I've no idea why "

Bigot stared hard at the man as though he was the world's dumbest person. Then he strode off to the club house kitchen only to return with a pair of scissors. Approaching his partner from behind , he starts snipping away for all he was worth.

Oblivious as to what was going on, his partner suddenly experienced a huge sense of relief. The irritation and discomfort had all gone.

" Wow....I feel so much better. What on earth did you do ? "

Bigot looked flabbergasted . His disbelief and contempt for the dwarf had reached new heights.

" You great muppet....I simply trimmed 2 inches off the tops of your wellies ! "

AS AN AGEING BRIDGE PLAYER YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN ..........

- you look both ways before crossing the room

- you get winded even in the sitting seat

- picking up a card off the carpet, you ask yourself " while I am down here is there anything else I should be doing ? "

- your mind puts you into contracts you've no chance of making

- a partnerless player prefers to take his chances with an available novice

- players you once slagged off for slow play now seem to play irritatingly fast

- your past table transgressions remain safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either

- young newcomers to the club simply refer to you as " old timer "

- getting excited at the table causes you to have unfortunate little accidents

- the best result of the day is a pass out hand for an average

- you confuse having a clear conscience with a short-term memory loss

- having to move between rounds, you find yourself marooned on the stairs, unsure as to whether you were going up or going down

- you have to get up from your seat in stages

- you think you know all the answers but players have long stopped asking you any questions

ANOTHER SNIPPET FROM AN OLD LAW REPORT ( May1995) INVOLVING THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF PERCY PANTOPOD

Judge : Bigot-Johnson......do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.....

B-J : I do

Judge : Good.....that's a relief

Prosecutor : Now Bigot.....what have you got to say in your defence ?

B-J : Well.......under those limitations nothing at all

ANOTHER SNIPPET FROM THE LAW REPORTS ( Dec 1994) REVEALING ONE OF BIGOT-JOHNSON'S MORE STUNNING COURTROOM PERFORMANCES

Prosecutor (P) : Bigot-Johnson you are charged with causing grievous bodily arm.....with intent......by using a firearm on Percy Pantopod, while you were both on a bridge holiday In India.

B-J : Yes....I can not for the life of me figure out why the man is still alive today

P : The facts appear to be as follows........the two of you left the hotel after the evening's duplicate to walk off into the jungle that was supposedly out of bounds. Having managed to get yourselves completely lost you came across a dangerous man-eating tiger.

B-J : That about right...

P : So please tell the court .......why you felt it is necessary to shoot poor Percy in the leg ?

B-J : Self-preservation.....If we both legged it it was a 50-50 chance of who was going to buy it. I figured I could put the odds firmly in my favour if I coud outrun Percy. This required me to shoot him in the leg in order to slow him down. It was the perfectly logical thing to do.

Judge : Pardon my curiousity......but wouldn't it have been more logical to shoot the tiger instead ?

B-J : Ah....not so.....in that situation it is logical to assume two things. Firstly, it is far easier to hit a stationary target which is only 3 feet away from you......than a hungry man-eating tiger that is hurtling towards you at break-neck speed. Secondly, if I fired and missed the tiger........ the animal would have got really miffed, and would no doubt head straight for me !

Judge : Can't argue with that........

B-J : Yep.... it's that kind of logic which has earned me the reputation of being the most ruthless, cold hearted, calculating bastard of a bridge player in the whole of the UK......

SHOULD HUSBANDS PARTNER THEIR WIVES ?..........NOT ACCORDING TO BIGOT !

This question has to some extent been answered by what happened to John Bennett. Clearly, not all husband and wife bridge partnerships avoid conflict, disagreement and retribution. The reality is that such partnerships can only lead to fall out, acrimony and in many cases alimony.

Is it because each spouse heaps unrealistic expectations upon the other, such that frustration and anger becomes extremely acute, when one inadvertently lets the other down ? Or is because the familiarity borne out of marriage breeds a level of contempt that is so poisonous, the prospect of maintaining mutual respect becomes almost zero ?

Well, I have been digging into husband and wife bridge partnerships to get a real perspective on whether or not it is a recipe for disaster. Certainly, in the majority of cases.... their bridge results are !

Anyway, here are some comments direct from the horses' mouths so to speak that clearly endorse a resounding " no " answer:

- I plan to be a bridge widow next week....... I've just bought a gun

- Partnering your spouse is like 2 sides of a coin : you just can't face each other, but you're stuck together

- I thought about partnering my husband......and then I thought again

- Playing bridge with my wife has given me an insight to the fulility of the human existence

- My wife and I were happy for 20 years..... then we started playing bridge together

- When I married my husband my life was incomplete....since we started playing bridge together my life is finished

- I don't worry about terrorism....I've been partnering my husband for years

- If love is blind, then partnering your spouse will be a real eye-opener

- Marriage is absurd if you have to sleep with a partner you hate most

- The secret of a happy marriage is never choose your spouse as a partner

- Partnering your spouse is like a 3 ring circus : enduring, bearing and suffering

- We found a solution to our marriage difficulties : I play bridge on Tuesdays, he plays bridge on Thursdays

- Someone once told me playing bridge is a recipe for mental illness, but partnering your spouse simply doubles that danger

- Bridge is really tearing me apart....the other night I was ready to kill my wife, until I remembered it was her turn to do the house cleaning

- Having your way and partner your spouse.......runs the same marital risk as having your way with someone else's partner

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG................

Dear Rebecca,

What is it with me ?

Whenever I am involved in a tricky slam hand, whether as a declarer or a defender, my mind goes completely blank. Either the excitement or the fear ( maybe the combination of both ) stops me thinking rationally.

It seems that every time I'm asked to make a crucial decision, the quality of my thinking, which is always variable, can collapse into a form of dimentia. I'm at my wits' ends not knowing whether or not I have a deteriorating neurological condition.

Yours Ben Jerelbo

Dear Ben,

Yes, the condition you speak of is a rare form of dimentia, which shuts down your mind the moment you allow panic, fear and anxiety to create chemical imbalances in your brain. This causes your neurological communication transmitters to malfunction.

I have known hundreds of ageing bridge players with similar symptoms, but you should count yourself lucky since their problems relate to any tricky bridge hand ( not slams) . Indeed, the more they allow anxiety to overwhelm them, the loopier they get. I once came across a player who was panicking over a 2S contract. As her brain went into shut down, and dimentia took hold, she first asked me what contract was she in, and then after I told her she proceeded to play like she was in no trumps .

So my advice to you is simple. Give up the game before you really start embarrassing yourself in front of others. Try to avoid being remembered as a complete fool or ass-hole.

Yours Rood by name, Rood by nature