THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...... ( Based on an incident at the Slaughter House Bridge Club )

Bridgemates : A mythical concept,  given the beastly beatitudes of most of the players
Vulnerable : how a player feels when making one almighty cock up in either the bidding or play of the cards
Red : What one sees when your partner has made an almighty cock up
Push : the start of a typical argy-bargy at the table
Face : the part of your partner's body that becomes the subject of an attack
Duck : the evasive action usually taken when a blow is aimed toward's one head
Point : what a player wants to see at the end of his pencil
Splinter : a small broken sliver of wood which is left under the skin after the pointy pencil was buried into partner's exposed arm
Below-the-line : a swift kick to the solar plexus
Kickback : a retaliatory action of some force designed to inflict serious pain to the groin
Closed hand : what a player needs to do to convert 5 delicate fingers into a lethal fist
Knockout : what each feuding player now seeks to inflict upon the other
Uppercut : an upwardly mobile fist aimed directed towards an opponent's jaw
Crack : the sound of a broken jaw bone
Exit : what one has in mind for partner after getting a broken jaw
Short club : a handy weapon to have now that the feud has moved onto a new level
Small slam : a hefty whack to the back of your partner's head when using a short club
Grand slam : an even bigger whack in an attempt to finish him off
Round : one of many stages in a prolonged fight
Fork : another handy object one uses to shove right up your partner's arse
Elimination : the final objective
Bullet : one of many small metallic missiles a player will load into a gun
Shoot : the action of pressing the trigger now that the gun is loaded
Face down : the position your ex-partner ends up in after being shot
Stiff : the term of reference now used to describe this lifeless body 
x : the exact spot on the floor which is marked out by the police as the crime scene

A 
REALLY
TRUE 
STORY
.....
By
Bridge-
meister
Gibson

Prunella Pantopod :  My God.....the club and everyone of its members are facing a problem so great we are all going to be crushed by it
Bigot- Johnson : You stupid woman.........you're imagining things.....I don't see a problem at all.....and when it comes down to it....... no one else does either
Prunella Pantopod : Oh .....then pray tell me..... what the hell are these huge mountains of crap littered about the aisles ?.....Tell me they are not real too ! 
Bigot-Johnson : You Madam need your glasses changing......they're nothing more than a few mouse droppings on the floor 
Prunella Pantopod : I give up.....................Oh yes, it's your turn to bid partner  

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : PARTNER DERANGEMENT SYNDROME

This rather disturbing condition affects nearly all bridge players to some degree or another. In extreme cases the victims of this disorder will experience the acute onset of paranoia. Although perceived as normal people, their reaction to any suspect bidding and play of their partners becomes both volatile and unpredictable. They have been known to even accuse their partners   " of batting for the opposition " .
Nevertheless , the classic symptoms center upon 4 rather commonly held, albeit irrational, beliefs :
1. That any bad play on their part is all down to the previous mistakes and cock-ups made by their partners : these painful thoughts and memories immediately eat away at both their composure and patience
2. That their error-prone partners do not know how to play the game, keep to a system,  or think in a logical and reasoned way 
3. That their partners are both inept and stupid, despite the fact that they are regarded by  others as top class players
4.  That the Devil himself may be at work here,  by " turning " their partners into demons and monsters
In short,  the Partner Derangement Syndrome is nothing more than the total loss of the capability of rational thought. This loss can be displayed throughout the whole session, and can well carry over into the next. Some observers put down the symptoms to the onset of old age, senility and Alzheimer's, but the reality is that all bridge players are predisposed to this disorder  irrespective of any brain cell deterioration. 
Sufferers in all cases develop this desire to blame partner for their bridge woes as soon as they master the basics of the game. Someone has to be held responsible for the victim's adverse state of mind, mental health, mood swings, lack of concentration and focus. Indeed, at its extreme manifestation  sufferers have begun to question whether their partners are intergalactic  alien time travellers,  claiming that they are " on another planet " or " in a world of their own " . 
On a final note I once came across a player who blamed his partner for everything. This included extensive damage to his car by a falling tree close to his home. " If my partner had played properly I wouldn't have needed to give him a severe 30 minute bollocking after the match. This delay of course meant that I got home late,  missed my usual parking place, and was therefore forced to park up right underneath my neighbour's rather large over-hanging oak tree . "  
  

BIGOT 
GETS
SHAFTED
YET
AGAIN
BY
JOHNNY
SUPREMO
........
On this hand it was Bigot's turn to get active in defense ,   having seen Johnny confidently sail into a rather ambitious game contract in clubs. Naturally Bigot stuck in a more than hopeful double in the knowledge that he had two certain winners, and his partner could well have one in diamonds. 
With three aces missing, Johnny initially viewed the contract as hopeless, unless of course he could hoodwink Bigot into making a mistake. So when West led the three of spades towards Bigot's known suit, Johnny now hatched his cunning plan. He called for the 5 of spades from dummy !
Bigot of course took stock of the spade situation. Surely declarer would not have played low from dummy unless of course he held the 10. Therefore, it had to be right to take the trick with the Ace...... on which Johnny smoothly played the 7. Bigot stopped to analyse the situation further. " If declarer started with 107, then that suggests partner started off with 63, but in our system the top card from a doubleton is mandatory. This means partner's 3 must be a singleton with South holding 1076. "
Convinced by this line of reasoning, Bigot promptly played the 9 of spades at trick two ( a suit preference for hearts ) fully expecting partner to ruff.
Now the horror of having been shafted yet again by Johnny's deceptive play came to fruition, with Johnny discarding the first of his three hearts, drawing trumps, and pitching two more losing hearts and one diamond on dummy's top spades.  With two trumps still left in dummy, Johnny limited his diamond losers to one. Game made.
To say that Bigot was an unhappy bunny would be an understatement......the man simply fell to the floor, curled up into the fetal position, and cried out for his dummy !

JOHNNY
RISES 
TO 
THE
OCCASION
AS
ALWAYS
.......
.......

Getting declarers to abandon a winning line for a losing one takes great skill at deceptive play, and Johnny had read all the books on this particular subject. For over 20 years he had been waiting for a hand , identical to the one which  earned Maurice Harrison-Gray well deserved praise from all of his illustrious peers.
After East had opened 3S  South, in the hideous shape and form of Bigot-Johnson, took the plunge and bid 3NT.
Sitting West was Johnny who, because it was Bigot,  doubled with real menace and intent.
With no further bidding, Johnny kicked off with his 8 of spades, and Bigot sensibly allowed East to take the first two tricks, before taking his Ace on the third round of the suit.
However, suspecting that his partner had no entry to his winning spades, Johnny could see that Bigot would make this contract harvesying 1S, 5D and 3H .....not to mention 1C .....as the cards appeared to be sitting. Bigot had to be deflected from tackling diamonds.....and just like Maurice over half a century ago.....he discarded his diamond Ace on the third round of spades !
Bigot of course fell for the trap, smug in his analysis that Johnny must have started off with Ax and was looking to create an entry to East's hand if he was holding Qx in diamonds. So Bigot put plan B into action by switching his attention to clubs. At trick 4 his overtook his heart jack with dummy's queen to try a club finesse with the queen. Johnny pounced with his King, only to return the predictable diamond. 
In a flash, Bigot took the trick with the King to attempt yet another club finesse, quietly confident that East still had room for the jack with his original bid. 
So when Johnny pounced on Bigot's 10 of clubs with that nasty jack.... only to follow it up with the winning queen of diamonds, Bigot's shame and embarrassment was complete. And to see a grown man cry like a blubbering schoolboy was indeed a sorry and pitiful sight. As for the onlookers they could only admire a great man following in the footsteps of a former star from a bygone era.

  

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN YOUR OPPONENTS........
-  walk away from your table completely embarrassed by being gifted three tops in a row
-  concerned by your inability to play card place their fingers on your wrist to feel for a pulse
-  at the start of the session offer up their sitting seats because they feel your need is greater than theirs
- start to announce what card has been played from their hands
- compliment you on your last week's score of 50%
- ask the TD for an aerosol air freshener 
- choose not to double your overbid sham, happy in the knowledge a top is already in the bag
- generously allow you to look back at which cards have played
- decide to keep their bidding dead simple for fear of having to explain everything over and over again
- are completely taken back by the fact you are still able to fan out or hold up 13 cards
- go to great lengths not to get you over-excited, annoyed, upset or anxious 
- start to use sign language as an essential communication aid in conversation with you
- once inferior to yourself arrive at your table full of optimism and confidence 

JUST ANOTHER TYPICAL DAY AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB.......

" As you know Percy, we the committee are well on our way to re-establishing this club as an ultra-friendly and social place to come, where both new and old members alike can play bridge in complete confidence that their experience here will always be a memorable one....in so many positive and rewarding ways. This is a club which prides itself on embracing sub-zero tolerance  policies full on....

And would you believe dear Percy, that spring is just around the corner. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, the annual miracle of the years will repeat itself again, and come to pass. But sadly, you won't be here to see it.
The rivulet will run its meandering course to the sea. The early flowers will bloom in majestic glory.....and the trees will sprout forth their tender buds.  The glorious valleys of this green and imperial land will blossom as the rose. Alas...alas.....for you .....this is a picture that can only be a dream.
From every treetop , a wild wood songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature will rejoice in unison. But you, dear Percy, will be in a far away and forgotten place.
Because I.....Bigot-Johnson....have decreed as chairman of this disciplinary hearing to have you lead away to some remote spot, to be swung by your neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak....and to leave you hanging there until dead. And furthermore, I have instructed both Ronnie and Reggie to retire quickly from the scene of your dangling lifeless corpse, in the knowledge and hope that ravens and crows may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body.......until nothing shall remain but the bare, bleached bones of a mean spitited, woman-molesting , lying, deceitful son-of-a-bitch...."   

BIGOT TEACHES HIS STUDENTS A THING OR TWO ABOUT SHAFTING ONE’S OPPONENTS

“ Listen class….to win at bridge means being sharper and that much  smarter than your opponents. And to illustrate this point I would like one of you lot to participate in this little quiz game. It is really easy and a lot of fun. In a flash one foolish but intellectually gifted student pipes up :  " OK then I’ll give it a go but tell me how does the game work? "

" Ah ", says Bigot, " you ask me a question, and if I know the answer , you pay me £50....but then....when I ask you a question which you can answer, you will only receive £5. Not surprisingly, with such unfair odds, the student politely declines the offer. Undeterred, Bigot decides to improve the offer. " OK, how about this ....." If I don't know the answer to your question, I'll pay you £5, but if you don't know the answer to my question, you must pay me £50. However, to make the odds a little fairer, you may use a lap top and mobile phone to assist you ". This option immediately pleases the student causing to have no fear over the uneven odds, and being supremely confident in both his intellectual and internet surfing prowess, he readily agrees to play the game on Bigot's revised terms.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
The student asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Bigot doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the student. Next came Bigot’s question:  "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The student looks at him with a very puzzled look. He quickly takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the address book and asks everyone he knows. Frustrated, he sends phone calls and e-mails to all the best quiz masterminds across the world. All to no avail. After an hour of frenzied activity, searching for the answer,  he finally gives up. He goes over to Bigot and reluctantly hands over £50.

Bigot snatches the money with glee and heads off towards the door stating the class is at an end.                  

The bewildered student, who is more than a little frustrated, stops Bigot in his tracks and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the Bigot takes out his wallet, hands over £5, only to remind  the class the moral of the lesson : “ To pull a fast one over an opponent does not require you to be clever…..just bloody devious ! ”

RANKINGS RANKLE RONNIE..... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

Ronnie has never been one for being second best. Even when he is having a bad day with the cards, he expects his successful opponents to recognise that they are still inferior to him . To even suggest or hint that he is less of a bridge player than them would be like signing their own death warrants. He gets very upset and angry when others are disrespectful and smug.

So when the EBU published the latest list of rankings related to players at the Slaughter House BC, Ronnie took real offence at being graded as a lowly advanced master, and even greater offence at the fact that others ranked above him were complete tossers. Naturally, he told the EBU to stop this ludicrous form of grading and assessment .....or else heads would roll.....literally.

Bridge for Ronnie is all about deep psychology, table presence,  technical skill and pitting one's wits and brains against players of the highest calibre in a high stakes game of rubber bridge. In this field he is an expert, where he is happy to see his numerous successes go without any recognition, acknowledgement, or publicity. 

Not surprisingly, he gets extremely upset when baby rabbits put in umpteen appearances at green pointed events, and then, by scraping together a winning round or two against even bigger bunnies, they earn themselves undeserved awards. Flushed with success of promotions  they foolishly make the grave mistake of lording their superior status and ranking over Ronnie. Not for very long I might add. 

Moreover, he sees bridge as a game to be enjoyed irrespective of who his partner is , and not a tiresome never-ending treadmill of infinite advancements. This endless and pointless exercise simply turns even mediocre players into " picky, persnickety types ",  who constantly ditch unhelpful partners for better ones in the quest for green pointed glory. Loyalty to partners means everything to Ronnie. Loyalty of his partners to him is of course mandatory. That code of behavior should not... and cannot.....ever be broken.

  

  

21 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A BRIDGE PLAYER SAY.................... ( Article by Carp )

• Sorry, that defeat was all down to my bad play
• The next round is on me
• Bigot-Johnson is a gentleman and a scholar
• There are far more able players than me, who should be taking my place in the team
• When TDs rule against me I take all their decisions with grace and disciplined approval
• Yes, I would love to volunteer and help out the committee 
• Partner, you were right after all
• I haven't got a clue as to what you're talking about
• There's no way I could do a better job if I was running the club
• Partner, thanks for being so understanding and tolerant
• Our opponents deserved to win
• Yes, I know of the convention but I don't really understand it 
• You choose partner where you would like to sit
• My success had more to do with luck than ability
• I respect and value the views of all club members
• I always rely on my partners to carry me through
• I welcome criticism 
• I never criticise players when I'm guilty of making the same mistakes  
• How much do I owe the driver for petrol ?
• I often prick my ears when players make comments about boards coming my way
• My only chance of winning is when I'm up against against clueless rabbits   

PANTOPOD'S LAMENT.............
( A short poem by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber who was clearly inspired by the lyric's of Bob Dylan's " Knockin' On Heaven's Door " )

Partner, take this system card off of me
I can't use it anymore
My days of bridge are numbered
I'm headin' for the exit door
( chorus)
Head...head...headin' for the exit door
Head...head...headin' for the exit door

Partner, Bigot's gun has just been loaded
I can see what he has in store
That long black cloud is comin' down
I'm headin' for the exit door
( chorus)
He's etched a bullet with my name on it
I've read the signs, I know the score
He's out to see the end of me
I'm headin' for the exit door
(chorus)
God, it's hell when you're a 2%-er
And you're hated to the core
Everyone tells me I'm a dead man
I'm headin' for the exit door
Head...head....headin' for the exit door
Head...head....headin' for the exit door

OH THAT WAS DIFFERENT !........ ( Article by Carp )

The following conversation was recently overheard in the bar at the Slaughter House Bridge Club....

Devoted supporter of Bigot-Johnson (DS) :  It's our duty as ordinary members to fully support the decisions our reverent chairman.... and his hard working committee
Disillusioned member (DM) :  Why ?
DS : Because we've just voted them again in at tonight's AGM....
DM : But no one else put their names forward to contest any of the offices or committee places on offer 
DS : That's irrelevant........this is what real democracy is all about......they have been properly voted in, as our chosen representatives, to run the club.... and to make difficult ....maybe even contentious decisions. Every member therefore is obliged to back them up being prepared in all circumstances to endorse their decisions.....come what may 
DM : Even if the decisions are wrong........or insane ? 
DS : Yes....providing they were made in the best interests of the members,  we have an obligation to trust their judgement and to stand by them......through thick or thin......good times and bad times.....and even more so when they may have made a bad call
DM : But hold on a minute......aren't certain members of this committee the same people who a few years ago slagged off the previous committee.......who help stabbed the former chairman in the back......and who orchestrated, with the help of a few gerrymandered votes,  a successful takeover..... putting themselves into positions of power in the process ?
DS : No comment....
DM : So please tell me....why didn't they.... when acting as ordinary members..... get behind and support the decisions of the previous committee during that very challenging and troublesome period in the club's history ?  
DS : Oh...that was different !..........     

BIGOT-JOHNSON PUTS HIS PARTNER STRAIGHT.....
( A snippet from their post-match conversation in the bar )

B-J : I was in magnificent form tonight......so only when you play the game as well as I can are you in any position to make comments.......
Partner : God, I hate bloody show-offs.....I pride myself on being modest about my abilities
B-J : Too true.....as a bridge player you've got a lot to be modest about !

HYPOCRISY IS EVERYWHERE........ ( Article by Carp )

Oh yes , everywhere you look hypocrisy will rear its ugly head, but the most blatant examples of this appalling character trait can always be found down at your local bridge club. There you find the Bigot-Johnsons of this world,  who seem to have no qualms whatsoever about ............  
- telling others to keep their mouths shut in the interests of confidentiality, only to spread rumours and gossip that suit their Machiavellian purposes
- lambasting their critics as traitors, enemies within, and undesirable troublemakers,  just because they happen to express opposing views and opinions
- treating intolerance with extreme intolerance...... and violent retribution 
- educating others about the finer arts of the game, when they themselves have yet to grasp the basics
- refusing to practise what they preach
- lording the right to free speech, but only when they are in the business of slagging others off 
- condemning others in an extremely condescending, superior way for being a tad smug and arrogant 
- tackling all forms of rudeness by others with a barrage of expletives and highly offensive remarks
- advocating the importance of good communication, but refusing to answer difficult questions, or letters sent in by members, which raise serious criticisms and concerns 
- regarding other members' silly, petty table transgressions as detrimental to the well being of the club, but refusing to acknowledge any wrong on their part,  such as pouring vast amounts of the club's cash in the foolish pursuit of litigation  
- ignoring the advice of others, only to take it on board years later by dressing it up as one of their own inspired initiatives 
- condemning others for making an exhibition of themselves, before taking centre stage and exposing themselves as complete clowns
- projecting all their shortcomings and failings onto others 
- stepping into office with promises of being open and transparent, only to hold meetings behind closed doors , publishing bland, sanitised minutes of little or no substance 
- refuting allegations of bias, while being unashamedly hell bent on carrying out personal vendettas against those they dislike





  

DR JOHN’S CASE NOTES : JUMPING BRIDGEMEN OF BAWTRY DISORDER

                                                                                                                                  A few years ago something very strange happened to the bridge players of Bawtry : a disorder not too dissimilar to what happened to the French-Canadians working as lumberjacks in Northern Maine around 1870. When startled, they would immediately jump up from their seats and wave their arms around in a frantic fashion, or behave in a rather bizarre and irrational  way. This latest phenomenon was therefore labelled the Jumping Bridgemen Of Bawtry disorder.

It may not be the weirdest mental disorder ever — there are way too many contenders for that title — but it's definitely got the weirdest name. The symptoms surrounding it are so strange that it could well have attained infamy even without such a bizarre moniker attached.

 

I first discovered this affliction when I attended  the Walnut Tree Allotment BC’s  2009 Spring Pairs competition . Every time I made a sudden move, such as moving my hand towards the bidding box, or slapping a card down on the table,  it was as though I had fired a gun ….. causing all hell to break loose.

As such, my research of the Jumping Bridgemen of Bawtry took over two years of my life. For there in the wilds of South Yorkshire I heard other tales of  incidents at other nearby clubs, which as strange as they were all happened to be true. When startled, the players would display exaggerated,  apparently reflexive reactions, which  included jumping, yelling, hitting, yelling commands, repeating back phrases even if they didn't understand the language used (a phenomenon known as echolalia), and imitating the movements of others around them (echopraxia).  But away from the tables the men were seen  to be shy, charming, very reserved and incredibly well mannered.

Having worked extensively with several subjects, who I refer  to as Jumpers, I was determined to find out as much about their condition as I could. Whether  this disorder was psychological or neurological  — or both — the only thing I could say with some certainty is that their reactions were involuntary.

The Startle Response

Sufferers would display the reflex response, possible putting ithemselves, their partners or the opponents at risk of physical injury.  The notion that sadomasochism might be involved when partners caught the brunt of their flailing arms was not the case. Clearly,  the uniform nature of the hits, and the fact that they were never tempered or moderated by conscious thought, argued strongly for these assaults being involuntary actions.

So what exactly causes this behaviour? In my view, it is the game of bridge itself.  Indeed, this cultural component, not only creates a hot house of emotion, but it also causes players to react to any unexpected,  provocative trigger no matter how small. As one colleague of mine  commented “ this disorder is a culturally specific exploitation of a universal neurophysiological response, namely the startle reflex", which is a particular artifact of " closed and aged communities such as bridge clubs."

Whatever the underlying cause, those who possess this rare disorder have a hyperactive startle response, meaning their brains' synaptic response to a sudden movements,  or off-the-cuff comments,  causes a cascade of reactions that go far beyond the sudden rush of adrenaline and quick, shudder-like motion most of us experience. There are a number of neural pathways involved in the startle response, and any one of them could be involved in the hyperactive responses observed in the Jumping Bridgemen.

 

So allow me to tell you about one incident involving an extreme jumper. Already unnerved by an opponent who had foolishing set out to needle him, the jumper over-reacted when another out-of-the-blue snide remark completely upset his equilibrium. In a flash , his startled reflex response involved picking up a bridgemate , arcing it across the table, and plonking it down in front of his tormentor. This automaton-like behaviour though was  unfortunately regarded as an  offensive and aggressive  act, which led to the poor man being expelled from the club. Strangely, no account of his condition was taken on board by the committee at his disciplinary hearing.   

But my diagnosis of the Jumping Bridgemen has been verified by medical reports of a similar disorder discovered in Eastern European bridge clubs . Known as miryachit,  which literally means "to act foolishly “, Players there , whenever startled, went into such fits of outlandish behaviour, needles and sedatives were often used to calm them down. 
  

It seems therefore that bridge players,  who are severely afflicted with this peculiar mental or nervous disease,  cannot stop themselves ( when startled ) over-reacting in a violent and physical way. On many occasions tables, chairs, bidding boxes, pens, boards and pint glasses have all been used as projectiles,  seen whizzing through the air at those responsible for causing these unfortunate outbursts .

Indeed, this disorder reflects a sad but general truth about bridge players. The Jumping Bridgemen of Bawtry, and related conditions like miryachit,  may be a very unusual condition with an uncertain origin…. but the Being-A-Total-Dick-To-People-With-this-Disorder disorder is  a far more frighteningly common one in the bizarre world of bridge.

AN SHOCKING STORY WITH JUST A WHIFF OF TRUTH..... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

During a match in Swiss Pairs competition held at Leeds , Bigot-Johnson was having a torrid time against opponents he regarded as rabbits. However , on six consecutive boards they had doubled him in contracts , and each time he suffered a whopping minus 500 penalty. Bigot of course appeared calm on the outside , but inside he was in raging turmoil. 
Then on the penultimate board of the set the same thing happened again. He found himself in a doubled 1NT contract going 2 off vulnerable. At this point Bigot completely lost his cool. He rose up from his chair , turned round ninety degrees , pulled down his trousers, and aimed the most enormous fart at his left-hand opponent : " Now try doubling that for penalties !! "  
It was about 5 minutes before the rest of the room had stopped laughing, especially when they got wind that Bigot had now been disqualified for blowing off.  

NEW BRIDGE BOOKS OUT THIS CHRISTMAS......( Forecast by Pun )

• Club Chairmen Have A Habit Of Being Stubbornly Unyielding........Adam Antleigh
• Will She Back The Chairman In Expelling That Troublemaker ?.....Sheila Grie 
• Some Bridge Players Come Across As Real Scavengers.............Carrie N. Crowes
• Why Do Play With Complete Strangers At Random Locations ?....Jerome Hallott 
• Please Can You Tell Me Where My Game Is Going Wrong?...........Annie Pointers
• Why Can't She Challenge Her Expulsion From The Club?...............Noah Peel
• This Club Could End Up Being Sued For Thousands.......................Sasha D. Aster
• Treasurer Admits Club Is Now Saddled With Hefty Debts................Owen Lodes
• Can Clubs Trust The Advice Of Their Lawyers ?..............................R. U. Kidding
• Mediation Fails To Resolve A Bitter Long Running Dispute.............C.U. Hencourt
• Judge Rules Against The Club On Grounds Of Bias.......................Candice B. Wright

YET ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY...... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

As I hinted in my last post,  every bridge player needs to possess a good memory, but even for those who are blessed with such a gift they can........on occasions........ be guilty of some very costly and embarrassing lapses.
I was once playing in a crucial promotion away match for the club's intercity 'B' team , which involved a rather painful two hour journey through some horrendous rain and snow. Most of the team had managed to arrive in time for the prompt 2 o'clock start , when our larger-than-life captain walked in with just seconds to spare.
As we were being allocated to our table positions, the captain asked : " Are we all here ? I can only count seven of us".
Immediately , one of the team then realised that his stand-in partner was missing. " Yes... where the hell is our ringer , and star player?  Christ almighty....  Larry Lightning Bowles wouldn't leave us in the lurch like this.....goddammit he's a professional and a real gentleman  ?  "
" No bloody idea " snapped a rather distraught and worried captain . " Was he actually down to play in this match ? "
" Yes ..." came the reply, "....and you were the one......you dozy bastard......who had agreed to pick him up....." 

ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY........ ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Every bridge player is required to have good memory, but those who are blessed with total recall are few and far between. However , there's one chap in our club , Eddie " Egghead " Milner, who has what can only be described as a perfect and infallible memory. 
Several years ago when touring Italy on holiday,  he bumped into a fellow bridge player queueing  at the Milan train station ticket office, only to recall the first time they met. This was when they both took part in the 1984 Brighton Congress Swiss Pairs.
" Yes...we played against each other on boards 25,26 in round four. I remember you getting an above average score, being the only pair in the room to stop in a safe 3S contract ,  when elsewhere 4S was going down one. However, on the next board I managed to pull of a remarkable 6S contract against you despite missing two Aces......."
" Christ almighty ...." his listener exclaimed, "....what a remarkable memory you have ", but on that note Eddie had to make a polite and rapid exit, when it was announced over the tannoy that his train was about to depart.
Then a decade later their paths crossed again for a third time when they both attended this year's  Great Northern Pairs Final ,  down to play each other in round one.
" Well I never.....it's you with the amazing memory.....how........"....... but before the question could be finished, Eddie immediately jumped in with an answer.
" Well, on your opening jack of diamonds lead, which I took in dummy with the Ace , I then relied upon a repeated ruffing finesse in clubs to pitch away two diamond losers. Even so I had to go up with the Ace of spades to bring down the stiff off-side King, only to end up making my twelfth trick on a rather unusual squeeze....."
What a man......What a memory !