( This case came before Sheffield Crown Court followed a police raid on the Walnut Tree Allotment BC after receiving a tip-off from Percy Pantopod. Bigot-Johnson and other committee members were subsequently charged with offences under the Misuse Of Drugs Act 1971. Bigot of course elected to conduct his own defence. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Prosecutor ( P ) : Were you and your fellow committee members responsible for the running and operation of the club during the period Sept 1992 to September 1993 ?
B-J : Yes....
P : And on the night of the raid were you the person in charge.....being the acting TD ?
B-J : Yes....
P : So now answer me this question : do you regard bridge as a severe addiction ?
B-J : Yes.....
P : Furthermore, do you consider that all bridge addicts get a real buzz from playing their favourite game ?
B-J : Indeed, I do....
P : Well, allow me to present the prosecution's case as I see it. You and your fellow committee members are charged with the manufacture and production of illegal drugs.
B-J : You're jigging me ? Are you completely off your head ?
P : No....this Bridge Club of yours is nothing more than a clandestine laboratory. And it appears that you have no license to manufacture controlled drugs as listed under The Misuse Of Drugs Act 1971.
B-J : You're pulling my chain ? Is this a wind-up, or what ?
P : I'm afraid not.....You recruited members to enter the premises , and under your administration and management, you induced their bodies to produce chemical drugs that gave them a real buzz. Not only that but the euphoria created by this buzz quickly transferred to others, who then also experienced their own " highs ".......as their bodies got to work. Players were experiencing " rushes " every time they picked up the cards........ but then rushing the play in order to get onto the next hand.
B-J : Well, tickle me pink....and knock me down with a feather.
P : Moreover, as the law stands, it is irrelevant if the controlled substances are produced in small amounts, or consumed immediately by the production operatives themselves. Your duplicate bridge work-outs simply created a drug-addiction culture , and the chemical dependency resulted from a process that was taking place right under their skin.
B-J : I'm flabbergasted....
P : And so you should be. You are responsible for all this body bio-chemistry at work. Indeed, their endocrine systems , which are in charge of all body processes, were working flat out. " Happy stresses " were being experienced all the time. The players, or should I say workers, became totally dependant on internal drug flows for their sense of fulfilment. Their acute addiction can only be described as dangerous and illegal.
B-J : Well, upon my soul...
P : Yes, Bigot you were the instigator of that production process on the night of the raid. And because you personally were responsible for the hand deals....many of which caused players to buzz with excitement...... you are by definition the " drug dealer " of the worst kind. Therefore, I'm sure the jury will find you, and the rest of your motley crew, guilty of all charges laid before this court.
Judge : Too damn right....
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered.....
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