Why just the other day, I was rummaging through a few old boxes in my attic, when I stumbled across an old Australian news clipping. I remembered bringing it home after a visit down under way back in the early 70's, during the time a big money winner-takes-all bridge teams match was taking place between the Aussies and the Brits. Written by Barry Mckenzie, the infamous bridge columnist for the Sydney Standard, the report focused on a critical hand which ultimately determined the outcome of the 6 day battle. So here it is......this wonderful piece of Australian journalism.....so unique and so unusual, its literary style will never be emulated, copied, or repeated.
Jeez.....this match went all the way to the wire. Those lily-skinned pommies didn't arf ride their luck, but on the very last board Brucie, for once, picked up a ripper of a hand. " No wuckers ", he thought, " 3NT should be as cold as a polar's bear's bum ". Not surprisingly, the bidding was all over in seconds : 2C-2D-3NT.
Westie, a rather untalented, fat pommie gay bastard, was on lead. He figured he was up shit creek without a paddle, having to underlead away from one of his 4 queens.......the big puff. Well, bugger me if he didn't find a low club, which was taken in dummy with the stiff Ace. Holey dooley, dummy's only friggin' entry was gone. Poor Brucie was staring at 5 diamonds in dummy to the jack ten nine, opposite his Axx. Suddenly, his mouth went dry. " Strewth.....that lead's buggered me....hell, I need some of that amber nectar double quick.....I'm that thirsty I could drink out of a Japanese wrestler's jock strap ! "
Eventually, declarer decided on running the jack of diamonds from dummy, covered by East's King, which was topped by his Ace. Next came a low diamond towards dummy's ten. No soddin' joy there as the queen failed to hit the table. Turning towards Westie, Brucie screamed " I hope your balls turn to bicycle wheels and back-pedal up your 'airy arse......why your bloody galah of a partner couldn't have been dealt with KQ stiff I just don't know......crikey, it just goes to show what a jammy bunch of pommie bastards you all are ". And so in the fullness of time, poor Brucie ended up losing to each of the four queens, plus another, to go one off. Declarer's partner stood up like a bandicoot on a burning bridge, giving Brucie the evil eye. At this point declarer just slumped back in his chair like a stunned mullet. " Strewth man....you played that hand like someone who's got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.....aw, that what happens when you go walkabout. If you had come across to hand to play a low diamond towards dummy's jack, you might well have induced the drongo West to play his queen. Then the play of the Ace on the next round would fell the King, giving you access to 3 diamond winners in dummy ".
So when old Westie, full of puff and bluster, tried to intervene with a sarcastic observation, he immediately got it in the neck. " It's none of your bizz, yer grouse looking Nancy boy ".....and on that sour note, Brucie got up out of his seat and stormed off. " I need another drink....and an obliging Sheila....I'm that randy I could root the hair on a barbershop's floor ". And away he went into the night, completely unaware that bigger disasters had occurred elsewhere with this hand, giving the match to the Aussies by the narrowest of margins.
Now it was the pissed off pommies to behave like sore losers, by setting fire to all the tables, and putting the ashes in a bidding box as a parting gift to the victorious Aussies........a grand gesture of their ill-will and unsportsmanlike behaviour.