Tuesday, 3 August 2010

What a calamity for the USA selectors, who had opted to revamp their international team with some of the old guard.....the great maestros from a former era, who could still hold their own against the world's best. But it seems they were not properly prepared to take on the challenge posed by the most feared players ever to visit their shores . Already nicknamed " The Enforcers ", here was cutthroat gang of card sharps that took no prisoners, being masters of the forcing pass, forcing bids, game force conventions, and any other kind of " force ", which enabled them to force home their advantage. Taking centre stage this time was Jimmy " The Viper " Slitheroe.
Here was a man who could wriggle free from any difficult situation or penalty double he encountered. Throughout the whole match, he scaled the heights of bidding perfection as he pulled off one big contract after another. With his girlfriend, Anna Conder ( well known for her sexy looks and feathered boas ), watching his every move, she was as it happened still smiling over the moves he made the night before......when he 'ad 'er several times.
However, during the match the old grandmasters did register one or two good boards against him . This resulted in Jimmy hissing under his breath, and staring at his opponents with venomous loathing. Having then unnerved them somewhat, he would launch himself into spitting out tirades of barbed comments, biting remarks, and vile, poisonous jibes. TDs were called over but Jimmy was the master of speaking with a forked tongue, denying the shell-shocked Americans any redress or respite. On top of all that " The Viper " rattled off endless 3/4 level opening pre-empts, which seriously constricted the bidding space his opponents needed to find their best contracts.
After the match was over, commentators rounded on Jimmy accusing him of all sorts of underhand tactics. Recoiling over this unprecedented level of criticism, he snaked his way through the a crowd of disbelieving onlookers, and slithered away into the night. Bigot of course, on hearing about the team's imperious display, was jumping up and down with unbridled joy. So when one curious reporter asked him as to how he might celebrate this victory, the great man replied " listening to my favourite John Lee Hooker track back at the hotel ".
" What's that ? " asked the reporter. " Crawling Kingsnake ....of course ", replied Bigot...." purely as a tribute to my man of the match ! "

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