BRIDGE HEADLINES WE ARE NEVER LIKELY TO SEE.......... ( Article by Carp )

• Upsurge in attendance leads to clubs shutting their doors to late arrivals
• Slow players eager to join " Fast Play" classes
• Rude and offensive top flight players severely disciplined by club committees
• Top player watches partner go off in a rigid slam and laughs about it
• Bridge governing bodies drastically reduce the number of ladder rankings
• Green/gold points only given out now to players who actually win competitions
• Bigot-Johnson's blog receives an award for its contribution to bridge literature
• Players learn how to enjoy bridge despite never winning
• Club committees finally resolve the distinction between free life membership and honorary life membership
• Rubber bridge for money replaces duplicate bridge, as governments relax gaming laws even further
• Top players freely volunteer their time to act as mentors and partners for improving beginners
• Ladies triumph over men in all competitions to complete an historic whitewash
• Club members shake off apathy, getting actively involved in helping the club
• Top player owns up to making a mistake
• Bigot-Johnson's posts are deluged with enthusiastic comments and generous compliments
• TDs become redundant as players resort to resolving table disputes themselves, in a friendly and amicable way
• Club membership applications reach unprecedented levels, as bridge governing bodies find ways of making the game far more appealing
• Selectors for club, county, and international teams now place greater emphasis on recent performances and current form ( than on past reputation and favouritism )
• Cheating in bridge is finally eradicated
• All bridge players take up therapy in a last-ditch attempt to come out of " self-denial "