( Finally, an emotionally battered and bruised Mrs. Bigot-Johnson arrived at the High Court to petition for divorce. The marriage had remarkably lasted many years, but the demon Bigot-Johnson still wanted it to continue. He therefore elected to defend himself, desperate to hold onto the one woman he trusted to iron his shirts, and darn his socks, properly. A transcript of this unforgetable hearing can be seen below. )
Counsel for the plaintiff (CP ) : My client is petitioning for divorce on 3 grounds.......
B-J : The woman's gone mad.....just what the hell does she think she's doing ?
CP : Your honour, this appears to be the utterance of an imbecile..... or an infant
Judge : Without doubt.....
CP : The first ground of course is unreasonable behaviour, which I might add goes all the way back to 1980, the year they got married. Right from the off this dreadful man would spent every night in bed thinking about hands he had played that day. So pre-occupied was he about the mistakes and mishaps at the table, he failed to recognise her presence even though she was waiting patiently beside him. Even when he woke up, his mind was still mulling over dozens of unresolved bridge issues.
Judge : Shame on you Bigot......can there be more to this horror story?
CP : Indeed, there can your honour....this apology of a husband is also guilty of spending most of his time at home.......delving into bridge books........and writing endless letters of complaint to club committees and bridge governing bodies.
Judge : A scandalous waste of time.....
CP : Now I come onto the matter of desertion. This relates to Bigot spending 4 nights a week at his local clubs, plus weekends away at Congress events, where venues are often hundreds of miles away......in a fruitless and futile pursuit of a major trophy.
Judge : What ! He hasn't managed to win a trophy in 30 years....which by my reckoning is around 1600 attempts ?
CP : No..... he certainly hasn't....for he's as useless at bridge as he is at being a husband
B-J : I object to these accusations
Judge : Over-ruled.... I'll have you know that in the war they used to shoot deserters !
CP : Indeed, the total time Bigot spent away from home playing bridge was around 72 hours a week. Add to that time spent at work , reading, writing letters, and sleeping..... then only 6 hours remained for any interaction with his wife. This, of course, took place at meal times when demanding his food.
Judge : I've never heard anything so appalling....
CP : Well, there's more to come. The third ground on which my client is petitioning for divorce concerns Bigot's acts of adultery.
Judge : What, he did the dirty on her...more than once ?
CP : Yes....on a regular basis..... even while they were dating...... and certainly since they've been married
Judge : Such behaviour I find inexpressibly repugnant ! Was sex involved ?
CP : In a way yes.....so allow me to explain. Bridge involves having many partners. Relationships with partners can get very intense. Some hands really do generate huge excitement, big climaxes and if things go their way.....immense joy and satisfaction. Joy that excels orgasms. Many a time the Bigot has come home with soiled trousers.
Judge : How disgusting....
CP : Yes, bridge is Bigot's substitute for real sex. The game in fact is a grotesque simulation of sex......and in my view it should be banned as obscene.
Judge : Hell, I'm with you all the way on that one...it's about time we had a wider definition of what constitutes adultery !
CP : So in conclusion I am forced to accept, on purely humane terms, that the childless Mrs. Bigot-Johnson has been blighted, rejected and completely ignored by her husband. I can only describe her as barren .......oops..... I mean " her marriage as barren " ......and that of course might well be understatement.
Judge : I totally agree.....and I have no hesitation in finding for your client. The petition therefore will proceed accordingly, and a decree nisi will be awarded here and now. You Bigot will be obliged to vacant the matrimonial home immediately, and seek out rented accommodation. The next hearing will be in 6 months when the decree will be made absolute, with all property and chattels to be assigned to your ex-wife. Have you sir... anything at all to say to this court ?
B-J : Bugger.....