Friday, 3 December 2010

As a new fledgling bridge club in the backwaters of rural Lincolnshire, the self-appointed President and Chairman ( the one and only Bigot-Johnson ) took it upon himself to implement his own version of a Zero Tolerance Policy. He was desperate to bestow upon this small club a reputation for its extreme social harmony and friendliness. Bigot was hell-bent on making sure all that every member's behaviour was beyond reproach. In no circumstances whatsoever would he, or his appointed officers ( affectionately referred to as " henchmen " ), tolerate intolerance. So a radical ZT policy was implemented, solely designed to create a perfect atmosphere for all attending members , and visitors, to enjoy their bridge experience.
Bigot's goal therefore was to eradicate every type of unacceptable behaviour by effectively removing all trouble-makers. Codes of good practice were to be displayed everywhere, but adherence to these rules on best behaviour were not obligatory.....but clearly recommended. However, members were forced to recognise that keeping to these rules would make a significant contribution to creating an improved atmosphere :
- Acting with aplomb the part of congenial host to every newcomer arriving at the club and/or table
- Greeting everyone with a well-rehearsed smile
- Lying with conviction when praising partner or opponents over their bidding and/or play of the cards
- Fudging your system cards so as to give the appearance that actions at the table are in accordance with what is written down
But at the core of this new exciting ZTP lies a definition of what constitutes unacceptable behaviour. Therefore, should any ordinary member commit one of the following wrongs, certain sanctions and punishments will be instantly applied ( as indicated below ) :
- Negative comments concerning opponents' or partners play ( instant flogging followed by 6 month ban )
- Constant and gratuitous lessons and analysis at the table ( removal of the offending tongue followed by a 1 year ban )
- Badgering, rudeness, insinuations, intimidation, profanity, threats or violence ( a frontal lobotomy followed by a 1-5 year ban )
- Loud and disruptive arguing with a director's ruling ( several days of unimaginable torture followed by a life ban )
- Any criticism of any kind no matter how small directed towards the club's ruling body ( immediate death by stoning )
Indeed, Bigot has put into his ZT policy document a requirement for all attending members, before play commences, to chant in unison the club's Mission Statement : " We are all committed. We believe in Bigot's vision. We know we must endeavour at all times to create a ultra friendly, pleasant, and peaceful atmosphere for every one's to feel at home in. All praise to Bigot-Johnson who helped to make this dream come true. "

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