ANOTHER MIND BLOWING TWO MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON ( The radical and extrovert chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club )...............

Interviewer (I ) : I hear on the grapevine that you've nominated your club for the EBU's prestigious " most social and friendly bridge club of the year " award.

B-J : Yes....and why not......given all the hard work Reggie, Ronnie and I have put into bringing about a complete culture change . We were deeply committed to ridding the club of all those we consider anti-social, awkward and aggressive.

I : Well, just how many members have you got rid of ...?

B-J : Well over a 100...

I : So what members have you got left then ?

B-J : Just the committee and few new starters , who we managed to sign up last week

I: So tell me...how did you go about this brutal and bizarre form of cleansing.....?

B-J : Well, Ronnie and Reggie simply set about the process with the fierce determination of rabid rottweilers and the wild savagery of crazed cannibals

I : My God....so what did all this entail ?

B-J : Floggings, beatings, torture, incarceration, trial by ordeal, public humiliation, castration, damn good whippings, extreme forms of harrassment, character assassinations, and a whole load of other things involving long, sharp, pointy things....

I : Blimey....wouldn't it have been easier to close the club and start all over again ?

B-J : What ....and spoil their fun ? ......But seriously it was imperative to serve a warning on those who needed to toe the line

I : So how come that warning was not heeded, with dozens more getting same awful treatment before being permanently eliminated

B-J : The buggers started to protest bitterly about what we were doing.....so naturally the committee took the view their behaviour was totally unacceptable, extremely negative and very confrontational

I : Well, please correct if I'm wrong....but surely the kind of behaviour you were adopting was completely contradictory to your aims of creating a club atmosphere, where harmony prevailed, and where social and friendly relationships could be successfully nurtured ?

B-J : In my world the ends always justifiy the means....

I : Heavens above .... you could shag me with a rag man's trumpet....

B-J : Mmm....now that's something else Ronnie could add to his list of corrective measures

I : Oh my God....I'm done with you....I'm off

B-J : But what about my money ?

I : Get stuffed....

B-J : Wow....that's another great idea for Ronnie to consider.....he 'll be so grateful