DEALING WITH SLOW PARTNERS ........ ( Article by Carp )
Should you have sit there time after time watching your partner lose track of time? I should cocoa . Should you have suffer over and over again the acute embarrassment of partnering the proverbial slowcoach , who seems utterly incapable of ever arriving at a fast decision ?
No you bloody shouldn't. You need to step up to the plate and do something about it : you need a strategic plan to transform your liability-of-a-partner ( a selfish , inconsiderate , cheating time bandit ) into a player , who can maintain a quick and even tempo in both his bidding and his play.
So here is my step-by-step plan which starts with actions which might work , before moving onto actions which should definitely work :
1. First off try jollying up your partner : cajole , charm , ingratiate , suck up to , flatter , compliment and smarm , even creep if necessary , in order to get him to change his ways
2. Suggest , hint , persuade , propose , entreat , goad
3. Then try the simple approach : ask , request , enquire , implore , beg , plead , beseech and grovel , hoping to appeal to his better nature
4. Better still , explain , negotiate , debate , discuss , convince , reason , justify your case before deciding to instruct , demand, order, command his immediate improvement
5. If at this point no change has been observed , try a mild verbal assault : protest , object , dispute , complain , grumble , moan , groan and whinge
6. Alternatively, adopt a look of quiet , subdued , lost , confused , bewildered child : start to fret , brood , tremble , shiver , and pout
7. Then again , try the wounded deer approach : act depressed , downhearted , upset , sigh , go all glum and plaintive, or stare at the walls in abject despair
8. Or move up a gear : snivel , wobble the bottom lip , look to be in serious pain , cry , sniff , sulk , mope and pine
9. Now comes the time to be a little nasty : harass , harangue , go on about it , pester , nag
10. If this fails go onto the attack : annoy , insult , reproach , denounce , get cross , get angry , fume , seethe , pester , agitate , see red
11. Before getting even more aggressive : bite , provoke , enrage , push , bully , threaten
12. Last resort involves expressing your feelings in no uncertain way : shout , screech , scream , squeal , spark , burn up , ignite , detonate , explode , go completely ballistic even
And if unfortunately no success has been achieved by this point , then you must resort to one rather gory strategy that is left , but one which is guaranteed to work : take your partner outside, force him to lie facing downwards on the ground, remove a loaded shotgun from the boot of your car and then tell him that " unless he swears on oath to speed up his play you intend to blow both his knees caps out here and now..."