BRIDGE BOOKS CURRENTLY SELLING LIKE HOT CAKES......( Research by Pun )

• When Partner Binned An Easy Slam Something Had To Be Said......Tilda Hoff
• Thanks For Asking , But I'm Doing Something Else That Night ........Kent Makett
• Deception And Cunning Is What An Expert Excels At..................Kay G. Player
• Partner , I'm Only Going To Say This Once..............................Liz Sanard
• Having Cheated My Way To Success , There Was No Going Back....Carrie Don 
• There Are Some Players Who Refuse To Keep Their Mouths Shut....Rab Bitton
• As A Witness In This Court case , No Way Will I Be Telling Lies.......Ben D. Truth
• Listen To This : The Committee Have Resigned En Masse....Haywood U. B. Leevitt
• I Love Competitions When There's No One To Beat But Numpties....Kenyon Fodder
• Partner Please Shut Up , You Views On The Bidding Are Inane........Loda balls 

ONE MEMBER EXPLAINS TO ANOTHER HOW ETHICS GOVERN AND SHAPE THE WAY THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE GOES ABOUT ITS BUSINESS...............

- So what happened to old Spooner then ?
-  He had to attend a disciplinary hearing
-  What for exactly ?
-  Making a disparaging remark about the Chairman in a private bar room conversation......
   heard and recorded by four committee members in a secret bunker downstairs.......using   
   recently purchased state-of-the-art surveillance and bugging devices 
-  Is that all ?
-  Yes....and all five submitted a complaint about him to be dealt with by the committee........
    which as it happened included themselves
-  Isn't that a bit unethical
-  Wise up dunderhead......we talking about a bridge club here , which has a strict zero
    tolerance policy to uphold no matter what. The right and proper procedure of course    
    required the whole committee to be involved , as a collective unit , putting on a united front    
    in its quest to get members to toe the line....... and do as they are told
-  Oh yes.....sorry , I forgot.........but I still want to know what happened to Spooner ?
-  He got suspended for 5 years and had to pay a £2000 fine
-  What !......The poor man was 82 years old and had given over 30 years of his life raising
   funds for this club.... not to mention the thousands of hours of unpaid work he put in behind  
   the scenes
-  Yes , that's true.....but that cuts no ice with this committee.....because when push comes to 
   shove ,  it would have been totally unethical for them to treat him more favourably than say  
   a loose-tongued layabout , who had never given a damn about the club or lifted a finger to 
   help the club out in any way at all
-  You're right......double standards and ethical ideals make very uncomfortable bedfellows
-  Indeed they do
-  So tell me....how did Spooner take this punishment ?
-  Naturally , he was deeply upset....utterly distraught......beside himself with pain and anguish ...
   in fact he was as miserable as sin 
-  And how did did the committee react to that ?
-  They ordered him to be taken outside and shot
-  What !
-  Well putting a poor old soul out of his abject misery then seemed the most ethical and  
    humane thing to do
-  Yes, I guess you're right
-  So you see this committee is beyond reproach when it comes to making decisions purely
   on ethical grounds
-  Yes, I stand convinced....
       

BACK
TO 
THAT
TOPIC
ON
TOKENISM
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......

-  I didn't know we had 
   such a committee ?
-  Oh yes...but it has only been recently formed
-  How come ?
-  It's just a faze the club is going through to reassure the few honest members we have that 
   ethics matter..... and that unethical play will not be tolerated
-  Well .....is that going to happen ?
-  Good grief...NO....this club prides itself on being the center for approved cheating 
-  So what is this committee up to right now ?
-  I believe they are attempting to draw a line which distinguishes and defines unethical 
   practices from all those considered ethical and above board 
-  But based upon what you've just said a few moments ago......I would hazard a guess that  
   when and if this line is ever drawn........ it will only be done so in pencil ?
-  Exactly ....or knowing them.....in invisible ink ......because rumour has it the true remit of  
   this committee is to choose the lesser of two evils ...........namely it is far better to have 
   unethical ethics than no ethics at all
-  But what if they are asked to come out with a policy on ethical behaviour ?
-  Perish the thought !
-  Would members be obliged to follow such guidelines to the letter ?
-  Only if they were either honest or stupid.....Christ , how could anyone let a document like
   that get in the way of winning trophies
-  You're right....
      

TOKENISM
REARS
ITS 
UGLY
HEAD
ONCE 
MORE
.........

CLASSIC EXCUSES USED BY THOSE CHARGED WITH THE ABUSE OF POWER.......... ( Research by Carp )

• What abuse ?
• The Constitution and its by-laws allowed us a fair bit of leeway
• One has to balance rigidity with flexibility  
• Exceptional circumstances required exceptional measures
• The means justified the ends
• We used our discretion in a sensible and proper way
• The tough decisions we made were widely welcomed
• More good has come from our decisions than harm
• Might is right 
• What's all the fuss about ? We only did what people expected of us
• Expediency was called for
• Your definition of " abuse " differs greatly from ours 
• Any deviation we may have been guilty of was of no meaningful significance 
• It was a situation where we had to choose the lesser of two evils
• We had no choice in the matter : our hands were tied  

WHAT SHENANIGANS GO ON INSIDE YOUR CLUB ? WHAT KIND OF COMMITTEE HAVE YOU GOT RUNNING THE PLACE ?.... DOES ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SOUND FAMILIAR ?

• Fingers of suspicion pointing in all directions
• Members in denial of any blame or responsibility
• A faction within the club demanding that the " whole committee should stand down " 
• Jealousy and bitterness between key rivals
• Sabotage of rivals' prize-winning aspirations
• A chairman who gives the appearance of being " an emperor "
• A chairman who is resented by many but who thinks " he's Mr. Wonderful and everyone loves him "
• A treasurer who has been " less than rigorous with the accounts " 
• Threats of possible law suits  

All sounds too incredible ? You'd better believe it.... and you will do if you read the following article taken from The Times a few years ago........

 

BIGOT GETS A LETTER...........

Dear Bigot , 
The other evening when I generously stepped in as an emergency stand-by ( because your regular partner had failed to turn up ) , you stormed off in a right huff seconds after the last board had been played.
I was so desperate to get your opinion on my evening's performance ?

Yours still in the dark ...........Binky Bowles


Dear Binky , 
Oh yes , I remember that evening's debacle very well indeed. Who needs words to describe how bad you were . For pity's sake man ,  couldn't you pick up on my body language ? If you were unable to , please allow me to recap on all my signals :

- my slumped body with my head resting on the table
- the tearing up of my scorecard after board 6
- regular trips to the toilet to throw up
- the numerous exits from the building to scream into the muffle-cushion kindly provided to me  
  by the bar steward
- my facial expressions which ranged from utter disbelief to abject despair
- my steadfast refusal to watch you play as declarer , preferring instead to engage in self-
  mutilation with my pocket penknife
- one urgent visit to the bar to telephone my dealer to bring over some anti-depressant tablets
- constant pulling out of my hair which has now left me with a rather large and embarrassing
  bald patch
- constant texting on my mobile phone in a desperate attempt to fix up an appointment with
  my psycho-analyst , regarding the acute anxiety and panic attacks I was currently experiencing   

Surely , you must have got the message.........that your crap play was doing my head in

Yours not wanting to be rude but don't ever ask me to partner you again , Bigot
   

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S NEWLY APPOINTED PROPAGANDA OFFICER GETS DOWN TO WORK......

( With the next AGM looming large , Sylvester  " Shyster " Malone , the man with the silver tongue , is overheard working his cunning and charm on a group of disgruntled club members , who were utterly determined to see Bigot replaced as chairman by one of the other six nominated candidates . )

Shyster :  As the group's spokesperson , tell me....who are you going to vote for as chairman ?
Member : Anyone but Bigot ....
Shyster : Why's that ?
Member : The man's a crude , evil-minded , rotten thieving cheat.....who is taking the Slaughter House Bridge Club down the road to rack and ruin
Shyster : Well, that may be so.....but have you taken a closer look at the others who are standing up against him ?
Member : I don't give a damn which pantopod gets my vote.....so long as that tosspot Bigot-Johnson doesn't 
Shyster : But hold on there...... these other six candidates are a load of faceless nobodies.... .......and voting for nobody is pointless , because in this club nobody tells the truth
Member :  Good point...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is a complete waste of a vote.....because in this club nobody listens to what individual members have to say
Member : Too right...
Shyster : And voting for nobody is only for fools , because have you ever come across a nobody who wasn't in someone else's pocket ?
Member : I can't say that I have....
Shyster : And is it not the case that nobody in this club gives a damn about what is really going on behind the scenes....or even cares about the club's future
Member : Goddamnit man.....you've convinced me
Shyster : So ....the stark reality is this.....Bigot-Johnson is the best of the bunch
Member : I guess so.....and I think I speak for all of us
Shyster : Deserving of your vote ?
Member : Yes indeed

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR PLAYERS WITH RATHER DISCERNING TASTES..... ( As recommended by Pun )

• Believe Me ,  Our Days At This Club Are Numbered..................Lloyd L. Pass
• Guess What The Average Age Of A Bridge Player Is Today ?....A. T. Yerold
• Top Bridge Players With Split Personalities.............................Jacqueline Hyde
• Don't Play With Him , He's Real Poison...................................Dudley Knight-Shade
• No Need To Shout Partner , I Can Hear You.............................Loudon Kleer
• Going Down In A Cold Slam Cost Us The Trophy......................Major D. Aster
• You Can Take The Treasurer's Job And Shove It Up Your Arse.....Ike Witt
• I Can't Deny I Peeked At His Cards..........................................Esau Meduit
• What Can I Say About Our Uncompromising Chairman ?.........Stella Pratt
• In Bridge If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will...............................Murphy Slorr
• Committee Meetings Are Like Mad Hatter's Tea Parties..........Alison Wondaland
• I Pride Myself On Keeping To Best Behaviour Rules.................Laura Byder

BIGOT
ONCE
AGAIN
MAKING 
SMALL
TALK 
IN THE
CLUB
HOUSE
BAR
ROOM
......

Bigot’s great escape : a true story when a complete stranger became my saviour...... ( as told by the man himself )

After another complaint about my behaviour I genuinely believed my  membership at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC was about to be terminated.  The first thing I remember is sitting on a low stool in a committee room , cleverly made over to look like a courthouse. Then through a side door entrance doors in marched several stony–faced committee members.

As I looked around I then saw my latest accuser : he was a villainous looking so-and-so who snarled, when his evil eye caught mine. He definitely was the most obnoxious person I had ever encountered. I sat down and looked to my immediate left and there sat a strange looking man, who claimed to be my legal representative. Nevertheless , his appearance seemed very familiar to me. The last person to arrive was the chairman , a man with an agenda and a mission on his mind. He commanded an awesome presence as he moved across the room. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. As he took his seat behind the bench, he said “Let us begin.”

My accuser rose and said “ My name is Mr. B.L. C. Bubb ,  and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell.” In a flash he started to rattle off a catalogue of lies about defamatory statements I had made, terrible things that I done at  the table , and a great deal about my past when I cheated him, and many others. He told the committee of other horrible perversions that I engaged in outside the club, and the more he spoke the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at anyone, even my own legal representative, as this demon prattled on about my countless sins, many of which I knew nothing about.

As upset as I was about all these wicked allegations and lies , I was equally upset at my representative who sat there silently not offering any form of defence at all. Although I might have been guilty of a few petty misdemeanours,  I had done some good in my life —  at least equal and possibly more in relation to the harm I may have done to others. Nevertheless my accuser finished his tirade with a final and furious outburst :  “This man belongs in hell. He is guilty of all charges  and he is not a person who can be trusted to say otherwise. Justice must be served upon this scoundrel and reprobate this very day.”

When it was his turn, my legal representative first asked if he might approach the bench. The chairman was compelled to allow this request , despite his own suspicions and the strong objection of Mr. Bubb. He beckoned my counsel to come forward. As he got up and started walking , I was able to see him in his full regalia and flowing robes. Now I realized why he seemed so familiar. Goddamnit it was Jesus Christ himself who was representing me : my Lord and Saviour.  He stopped at the  bench and softly said to the chairman, “ Judge not a book by its cover,” and then he turned to address the committee.

“ Mr. Bubb was correct in saying that Bigot is a man who has had sinned. I won’t deny many of these allegations. And yes , many would argue that the wages of sins should warrant the termination of his membership , and this man should certainly be punished in some way”. But then Jesus took a deep breath and turned to the chairman with outstretched arms and proclaimed, “However, I died on the cross so that this person might have be saved, and he has accepted me as his Saviour, so he is mine ….a valuable new member to my flock……His name is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from me. Mr. Bubb has failed to grasp the reality of the situation. You see my client , Bigot-Johnson , is nothing more than a pathetic , wayward , misunderstood man , who should be not given justice.... but as a saved sinner he is entitled to receive your mercy and undying love  .”

As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked at the chairman and concluded, “There is nothing else that needs to be said..... I’ve said it all.”

The chairman , clearly moved by this defence , lifted his bulbous hand and slammed the gavel down, and the following words bellowed from his lips — “This man is free — he is now in the hands of the Lord.....case dismissed.”

As Jesus led me away I could hear Mr Bubb ranting and raving, “I won’t give up, I’ll win the next one ”. So while Jesus was giving me my instructions on repentance and reparation, I quietly ask him  “Have you ever lost a case?”

Christ lovingly smiled and said : No …..never.... and as such all my successful clients , who have received through me salvation and redemption , get the same bill , which simply demands  ” payment in full “. And as a direct consequence , a divine miracle then takes place in which every pound coming into their bank accounts immediately disappears into mine. “ 

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB DRESS CODE AS LAID DOWN IN ITS ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY ( RULES 13 AND 14 )

The prime objective of this committee is to establish high standards along side an elegant ambiance within this club . Therefore , all members must adhere to a strict dress code on entering the premises. If suitably attired , then our outside no-nonsense , psychopathic , ex-military security staff will issue compliant members with a pass , which permits access to the club facilities.
 
Members may come in fashionable casual attire in order to enjoy the bridge experience , mixing and socialising with others in a desirable setting of affluence and refinement.  Members will benefit from intermingling with those possessing a similar taste for style and panache ,  and that all important sense of occasion.

Under no circumstances whatsoever will the committee tolerate or allow the wearing of tank tops , T-shirts , cut-off jeans , shorts , exposed tattoos , sweat pants , joggers , flip-flops , sandals,  work clothes , charity shop cast-offs ,  or anything else which is cheap , nasty , badly creased or in bad taste. Moreover , members must ensure that their outfits  must be fresh and clean, and that goes for their bodies too. Therefore, it is paramount importance to arrive at the club having recently applied deodorants , perform, aftershave , toothpaste ,  mouthwash  , soap and shampoo conditioners to relevant parts of their body,  Anyone perceived to offend the eye or the nose of any surveillance officer as " lowering the tone of the premises " will be barred straightaway , and subsequently suspended for a month. 

For members who have a real feel for that sense of occasion , the committee will expect the ladies to turn up in diamond studded evening dresses , and the men in tuxedos , plain white shirts , turn-up trousers and bow ties.

( Footnote : the committee's aim is to return bridge back to the halcyon days of the 1930's , where one felt privileged and honoured to be part of a grand event , which was both special and highly memorable )  

USING HIS CUNNING AND STEALTH A ROGUE PANTOPOD LISTENS IN TO THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION , TAKING PLACE IN THE BAR OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC

New member ( NM ) : " I'm surprised Bigot at the rate older members of the club seem to be disappearing
B-J : Ah...that's the way it is when the club is face with the acute problem of an ageing membership 
NM : Some members perceive this exodus of oldies as bringing about a dramatic restructuring of the membership within the club 
B-J : No .....you don't say
NM : Other members see it as a direct consequence of prevailing age discrimination attitudes getting out of control  
B-J : No...you don't say
NM : Fools and cynics....of course.... both put it down to sinister forces at work
B-J : No....you don't say
NM : But I know better..... this change in the membership profile isn't just a random thing.....it has to be part of a plan
B-J : Well.... you're right there ,  it is.....because how else can change be implemented unless someone ...... who knows what is best for the club........ is at the helm directing it all 
NM : What !....you mean this change have been directed.....by you ?
B-J : Indeed it has.....directed in accordance with the Grand Plan.......a visionary blueprint for the future of this great and noble club
NM : Oh , is that the plan which involves the ruthless thinning down of the membership until all dissidents , trouble-makers , scoundrels , rogues , decent and half-decent players have all gone.....leaving you and your cronies to slaughter...... over and over again..... at will...... the bunnies and the lambs that are left ?  
B-J : Great Scott......why does nothing in this club ever remain secret ?    

BIGOT-JOHNSON GIVES HIS STUDENTS AN IMPORTANT LESSON IN PROBLEM SOLVING....

" Students....as you know , in bridge you must never jump to sudden conclusions when dealing with a tricky problem. Sometimes you need to view the problem from a different position or perspective in order to find the right answer. Any bridge expert will tell you that solutions to problems often come from a lateral thinking approach.
Please allow me to illustrate this point. Many of you have all been told about the alleged evils of alcohol, and with that in mind I wish you to consider this problem. Here is a glass of water and a glass of whisky. In each glass I shall place two worms. Notice how the worms in water swim about happily , while the worms in whisky are writhing about in pain before sinking to the bottom .....dead as door nails.
So the problem is this : which liquid would you advise an overweight big meat lover to consume on a regular basis...and state the reasons behind your choice "
One student immediately stands up and says ; " It's bloody obvious....you advise this person to drink water if he wants to keep his body healthy and well ,  avoiding in the process any risk of pain and suffering "
Bigot could not believe what he was hearing. His face grew red with anger : " You will never make a bridge player , since you have failed to see the problem from the right perspective....the correct answer is , of course ,  the person needs to drink whisky  "
" Why ? "
" Why ! ....I'll tell you why , you moron....because if the fat boy drinks whisky he wont get worms ! " . 
  

NEWSFLASH : A BRITISH MOVIE " A BRIDGEMATE TOO FAR " PRODUCED AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB FILM STUDIOS RECEIVES RAVE REVIEWS AS ITS PREMIER SHOWING AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL ........
( A review by Pun )

Based on true story and directed by Howard Bigot-Johnson ,  " A Bridgemate Too Far " is a disaster war movie in which the West attempted to make a pre-emptive airborne strike against the North,  only to see this ill-fated mission   ( code name " grand slam " )  fail in a most spectacular and bloody way.
The Western forces commander decided to launch an attack on the North by means of airborne assault , one which was destined to become the most costly in the history of human conflict. Expecting the enemy to be completely demoralised from losses sustained in previous skirmishes , this bold and daring plan to launch a bridgemate deep into enemy territory seemed like a good idea at the time. However , the mission's objectives never had a chance in hell of being achieved. The planned landing destination proved to be a step too far. The enemy contrary to sketchy surveillance reports was in far better shape than first thought , and had more than enough resources to retaliate with devastating effect. 
The film reveals how ( in hindsight ) the lack of information about the enemy's capacity to counter-attack proved fatal. Even words of caution from General Peter East " I think this could be a bridgemate too far " fell on deaf ears , with the Western allied commander in no mood to reconsider or delay his plan. As a consequence of his erroneous judgement , disaster was inevitable. With losses piling up by the thousand  an important lesson , belatedly , had been learnt about the folly of carrying out an ill-conceived and ill-advised air strike.  
The wisdom contained in the the old adage of  " never bite off more than one can chew " was clearly evident , given how big and bold this grand slam mission was : one which required so many things to be right if there was going to be even the remotest chance of success .  
     

YET ANOTHER
PANTOPOD
GETS SHORT
SHRIFT FROM
A RATHER
BULLISH
SLAUGHTER 
HOUSE BRIDGE
CLUB 
DISCIPLINARY
COMMITTEE


" Listen Pantopod.......you can either plead " guilty " to the assault charge of slapping your hand down hard on the table in front of an opponent ......or  if you must insist on delaying this hearing in reaching what we consider is a foregone conclusion ..... then you can exercise your right to plead  " not guilty ".........but what we wont tolerate or accept is this ludicrous plea of  " why make such a fuss over nothing  "

NOTICE:             ANY MEMBERS BROUGHT BEFORE A SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE 
WILL BE FOUND " GUILTY " OF SOMETHING
COME WHAT MAY

" Pantopod .....the committee and  I have deliberately long and hard over this flimsy charge of inappropriate behaviour towards a lady member .......and although we cannot find you guilty of any " hanky "...... we are sure as hell find you guilty of some   " panky "
   

NEWSLASH : BRIDGE WORLD GETS EXCITED AFTER A WHOLE STASH OF PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED BOOKS FINALLY GETS PUT INTO PRINT......

Culinary expert , Ima L. Avercook , turned her hand to writing bridge books in the late 1950's , but most remained as unpublished manuscripts. Now at long last permission has been given by her daughter to put have them all put into print and sold worldwide. Of the dozen or so that are currently available in the shops , these are the ones which have taken gone down like a bomb.

• What Small Clubs And Banana Republics Have In Common
• Is Bridge The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread ?
• Expert Declarer Play :  Bringing Home The Bacon
• Changing Partners ?  :  Cherry Pick Your Way To Success
• Expert Declarer Play : Never Put All Your Eggs In One Basket
• Undisciplined Partners ? : Drop'em Like Hot Potatoes
• Rubbish Partners ? : Give Them The Cold Shoulder
• Is Bridge A Friendly Game ? : I Should Cocoa
• Warning ! Committee Members Can Be A Mealy Mouthed Lot
• Diabolical Plays : Partners Who Were Completely Off Their Noodles
• Did Declarer Make The Right Decisions ? : The Proof Is In The Pudding
• Hopeless Contracts ? : Pulling The Chestnuts Out Of The Fire
• Rotten Apples In Your Club : What To Do About It 
• Making Doubled Overtricks : Rubbing Salt Into Your Opponents' Wounds
• Self-proclaimed Experts ? : They're Just Mutton Dressed As Lambs
• Opponents In A Bad Contract ? : Let Them Stew In Their Own Juice
• What ! Another Unfortunate Bridgemate Incident ? : Just A Storm In A Teacup
• What 4 Down Doubled Vulnerable ! : That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles
• Taking A Dispute To Court ? : Yes , Why Not Go The Whole Hog
• Zero Tolerance In Your Club ? : Learn How To Walk On Eggshells

THE WORLD'S THINNEST BRIDGE BOOKS......

Not many people know this , but Bigot-Johnson has written and published well over 100 bridge books. Not only has he established records for books with zero volume sales , but he has also managed to get mentioned ( several times ) in the Guinness Book of Records as author of the world's thinnest books. None of these books exceed six pages , with many having less than 10 lines.
Titles that occupy most of the top 20 spots include...... 

• Bridge Conventions I Pretend To Understand
• Accolades And Tributes For My Literary Work 
• My Happiest Years At The Table
• Club Members Who Have Come Respect Me
• Disciplinary Hearings That Went My Way
• Difficult Contracts I Have Successfully Brought Home
• Fond Memories Of My Early Years
• Fond Memories Of My Later Years
• Useful Tips and Advice I've Given Newcomers
• My Achievements In Club Competitions
• What I Really Know About Squeezes
• Partners I Have Never Screamed At Or Chosen To Insult
• What Experts And I Have In Common
• Times I Allowed Ethical Considerations To Dictate My Actions
• TD Decisions I've Actually Agreed With 
• Clubs That Welcome Me With Open Arms
• What I've Given Back To The Game

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO BLOW OUT YOUR BRAINS..... ( Claims an empty-headed Pin )

• No Way Am I Partnering An Eight Year Old !..................Wai Too Yung
• The Day I Stopped My Partner Punching The TD...........Helda Back
• How Did The TD React When He Was Threatened ?....Ron A. Myle
• Don't Expect Me To Bid On This Load Of Garbage.......Ivan Horfulland
• Our Captain Really Knows How To Offer Support..........R. S. Jay
• For Big Matches I Get Myself Into Peak Condition.........Fuller N. R. Gee
• No Way Has That Buffoon Won All Those Trophies.......Bill Loney
• I Feel terrible When I'm Losing At Bridge......................Constance Payne
• Don't Call Me Partner , I'll Call You................................Abbie Seania
• Sorry Partner, My Performance Was Way Below Par......Aleisha Kame

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES 

Bridge players , especially the men , can be a fidgety lot. Constantly shuffling around in their seats. Strumming fingers. Scratching their faces . Bending forwards and leaning back. But one group in particular are afflicted with a little known disorder called the Restless Legs Syndrome.
This condition does have a neurological cause , where misfiring brain cells compel sufferers to engage in non-stop, automaton-like movement of their legs. 
In many instances legs just twitch , shake or gently bounce up and down. However , in other cases victims find themselves having to repeatedly reposition their legs , either crossing and uncrossing them , or stretching them out and pulling them in. In fact all those players diagnosed with RLS aren't happy unless their legs are moving about in some way or another. With no blame ever attached to the chairs they sit on, victims of this syndrome are never able to maintain a settled position when sitting down to play. They are never able to feel comfortable or at ease. It is almost as though they hate the idea of " having " to sit still in an impassive and statuesque way. 
Chronic sufferers get so uptight about being confined to a chair for even short periods, they will use every opportunity to get up and go on a walkabout. Only then can they feel free of their stress and anxiety. Excuses given include going for a leak, going to the bar, or going outside for a breath of fresh air or that crafty fag.
Sadly, non-sufferers see players with RLS are " fidget arses " , who might well have ants in their pants , or lice  and fleas about their bodies, such is the ignorance of this rather debilitating condition. Indeed, I remember once partnering someone who was forever stretching either one of his legs ( occasionally spread-eagling both ) out at right-angles from his chair. His long legs would hang out so far that people passing by his table would trip over them. Needless to say he got banned from the club by the hard-line committee, who refused to accept that his behaviour was not deliberate , but an unfortunate consequence of his neurological condition.
    

BIGOT-JOHNSON REVEALS HIS TRUE COLOURS...........
( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Having been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, Bigot was now determined to prove to the Board that he was sane , ready to rejoin the real world, family and friends.
" I'm cured.......there nothing at all wrong with my mind. I'm focused. I'm grounded. I'm rational. I'm fully aware of the circumstances that brought me here. But today I'm know exactly where I want to go , and what I want to do ".
The chief psychiatrist seemed initially convinced that Bigot was well enough to be released.
" Tell me ", he said , " if we were to release you ,what do you intend to do with your life ? "
Bigot thinks for a moment.
" While I look forward to returning to my proper life , I would certainly avoid making the same mistakes. I was a very successful bridge player , but the stress of maintaining my status as the club's top player lead to my breakdown. Consequently , in the future I shall confine myself to less competitive bridge , and not beat myself up when results go against me.
" Marvellous ", said the shrink.
" Indeed ", ruminated the inmate, " I might teach , or write blogs.....I could help educate and entertain the next generation of budding bridge players ".
" Absolutely ", said the head of the panel. " So many possibilities. But what if it doesn't work out ? "
Bigot grinned. " Oh , that's fine ", he said confidently . "I can always revert back to who I really am ".
" And who might that be ? " 
" King of the potato people of course ! "