Plagued with so many slow players turning up for duplicate sessions at the Slaughter House Bridge Club , TDs were struggling to get through even 20 boards in the scheduled 3 hour slots.
Not surprisingly Chairman Bigot-Johnson decided enough was enough, and that drastic action was called for. As far as he was concerned " these buggers " needed to be savagely exposed , ridiculed and humiliated. And the way to do it was to name and shame these perennial sinners.
Each of them would be compelled to wear a massive name tag to reflect and define the nature and extent of their slow play. Tags currently in circulation are listed below :
Mr. and Mrs Plod Standstill Not At Home
Brain Dead Inertia Man Mind Elsewhere
The Dullards Hangnail Gone Walkabout
Foot Draggers The Laggards Missing Presumed dead
Huff and Puff Flat Tyre Absent Without Leave
Motionless In Shutdown Lost In Space
Rooted The Dawdlers Brain On Standby
Wet Paint Lobotomy Man Away with The Fairies
Lifeless Dilly and Dally On Another Planet
Laid Back Almost Horizontal In Limbo
Freeze Frame Comatose Half Asleep
Rigor Mortis Not All Here Fast Asleep
First Gear In Neutral Back In 5 Minutes
Handbrake On Brakes Full On Back In 10 Minutes
No Acceleration In Reverse Hardly Any Pulse
And guess what ? The tagging has already produced two positive outcomes. Many of the slow pokes immediately started to speed up their play , while others left the club. Happy days are back again !