LAW REPORT : MAITLAND AND OTHERS v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2O14)
( Bigot found himself once again up before a judge to answer allegations of discrimination against several club members , who had all been made to wear derogatory name tags when
arriving at the club to play duplicate bridge. In 2010 The Equality Act defined various offences , which set out to protect people from all forms of discrimination in the workplace and in wider society. Bigot-Johnson as always elected to conduct his own defence. )
Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : Did you Bigot.....or did you not.....place a rather large name tag on Arthur Maitland , which contained the words " Rigor Mortis "
B-J : Indeed I did....
CP : And why was that ?
B-J : Because as slow players go he always gave the appearance of a man who was dead ....
whose body was in an advanced state of rigor mortis
CP : My god Bigot....you really are a mean , vindictive monster , who is not only guilty of unlawful discrimination....but also malicious persecution. You subjected Arthur to such extreme ridicule and humiliation , the poor man has had to undergo intense psychiatric therapy.
B-J : Hey...why don't you wise up a bit.....slow players are killing the game of bridge , bringing it to its knees. Time bandits like him are mean , selfish , inconsiderate bastards who need to be taught a sharp lesson...
Judge : Surely ....they just slow thinkers.....that's all ?
B-J : Well , please allow me to demonstrate .....through this impromptu re-enactment....how annoying and frustrating it is to be at a table .....watching a slow player sink into a comatose state.....and then waiting for him to make a bid.... or play of a card .... as he ponders forever over what to do for the best.
( At this point Bigot moved across to where Arthur was sitting , with a sheet of paper in his hand along with a hand of cards. Written on the paper were the details of the auction , with the cards representing Arthur's hand. Bigot then instructed Arthur to make an opening lead against the opponent's 6NT contract. Silence fell over the courtroom , and everyone waited with bated breath for Arthur to select a card. Minutes rolled by and still Arthur stared blankly at his hand seemingly unable to make a choice of opening lead. Already the judge was beginning to fidget in his seat , desperate for Arthur to put an end to his torment and anguish. Elsewhere in the courtroom pain was etched on the faces of all those looking on , but the statuesque Arthur seem oblivious to the passing of time. Eventually Bigot picked up two massive cymbals only to crash them loudly behind Arthur's head , but to no avail. Not a flicker of emotion or movement. Immediately afterwards , before the judge could intervene , Bigot pulled out an ice-pick and stabbed it into Arthur's upper arm. Again not a hint of a response or reflex action. Several more minutes rolled by , and then to everyone's amazement and relief Arthur finally came to life .......and spoke
Arthur : I'm sorry but I need more time. This really is a tricky lead problem
B-J : Well , there you have it.....15 minutes of the nearest thing to rigor mortis you will ever see
..... a classic example of death followed by resurrection
Judge : For once I agree with you ......never in my life have I been subjected to so much torment and mental torture. You are free to carry on with the name tagging.........case dismissed
B-J : Your Honour.....you're a gentleman and a scholar