Wednesday, 13 May 2015


Northern Pro : Why are you so glum ?
Partner : I can't take it anymore. Your system is doing my head in . It's best you find a new partner
Northern Pro : I wont hear of it. Christ man I think you and I are on the verge of taking on the bridge world big time. You see I've tweaked my incredibly brilliant bidding system in such a way as to guarantee success. You just need to give yourself more time to get the hang of it
Partner : I can't hack it.....I'm being forced to alert every bid you make never being in a position to explain exactly what it means. And all these damn changes and alterations you keep making leave me completely confused and befuddled. I'm at my wits' end as to how to respond when interference and barrage bids come raining in.
Northern Pro : You poor man....I never realised that you were experiencing so much difficulty and trouble in getting to grips with my system. I just had you down as having lapses .....the consequence of forgetfulness or lack of concentration 
Partner : I'm so sorry....but I was wrong to ever believe I could cope with such bidding complexities.....and for that reason It's best we part our ways
Northern Pro : I wont hear of it......we must forget about the past and face a new dawn together. Far better then to start off afresh with a back-to-basics system card
Partner : Yes....yes
Norther Pro : So opening bids are as follows.  One club shows a flat hand 12-14 with at least one 4 card major. This leaves the way to opening one no trump with either a flat 12-14 , denying a 4 card major , and if the suit is clubs then this could be five or more. One diamond ,heart , spade promises at least a 5-card suit......
Partner ( discretely wiping away tears of joy ) : Oh that's sounds so easy. So there will be no relay bids , stepped responses to show point count , and passing out protection bids on sod all points ?
Northern Pro : Correct
Partner : Just a few standard conventions and hardly any need to alert ?
Northern Pro : Correct
Partner : A system card that almost looks almost blank
Northern Pro : I should hope so
Partner : Well count me in...
Northern Pro : Yes.... I guess the time has come for this well-educated , supremely gifted bridge player.....who stands before you.....or should I say... above you.... to overlook the inferior brain power of those less intelligent than come down from my lofty exulted position and perform my magic with just a few basic bidding tools. Yes...that's my destiny , my new great challenge ....and so I will call our basic simple system The Moronic Club.......and who know what the future will hold ?

( Footnote : Since that conversation The Northern Pro and his partner have scored 60% or better on every outing to date,  lifting their national grade rankings from 9 to that of a King. )

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