CURMUDGEONS ( Part 2 ).........................................................( By Carp ) As I pointed out in part one, a curmudgeon cannot help but vent his spleen at partner, especially when blame can be firmly directed his way. So let's look at a few more carefully worded statements that skillfully mix sarcasm with despair.

• " what's wrong with bidding ........ first ? "
• " it's the wrong sort of hand to make that bid "
• " some overcall.... "
• " with a hand like that pass was the only sane bid "
• " this is what comes from a deviation "
• " did notrumps ever occur to you as a bid ? "
• " bid up partner "
• " not what you promised partner "
• " not what I expected "
• " this contract would have played better from your side "
• " what have you done to me ? "
• " why didn't you put me back into my suit ? "
• " why put me back into my suit ? "

However, not all curmudgeons are result merchants, destined to be dissatisfied with boards that fail to score 100%. The focus for this group is to embark upon a quest to achieve the ultimate level in bidding precision and perfection. For instance, if the curmudgeon here crimes you for not reaching slam, only to discover that every other pair that bid it, then failed to make 12 tricks.....as a result of a wicked trump break...... he is not bothered a jot about the fortuitous top. Why? Well, the fact remains the slam bid was mandatory with that type of hand.....and therefore, partner's negative and defeatist approach to bidding needs to be chastised. It will will pointed out, no doubt with a big dollop of sarcasm, that timid bidding generates far more bottoms than tops. Nevertheless, one must never be put off by playing with a curmudgeon, because most are good players who are keen to improve their partner's game. In any sport or competitive game, coaches are always looking to raise the bar, no matter how good the player's current level of performance. I just wish that curmudgeons partnering me could balance their destructive comments with a few positive ones of praise and encouragement............ where they are clearly warranted.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...........................................................

• shape : something you once had before you took up bridge
• bottom: part of your partner's anatomy which you often kick when he is responsible for a zero score
• control : players tend to lose this, when results start going from bad to worse
• card : a player who sees himself as a joker, looking to play tricks....but never capable of making any
• negative response : what a frisky player gets when his bold and amorous bid is rejected out of hand
• ditch : usually associated with an unwanted card, but it applies more to an unwanted partner and where best to dump his body
• losing trick count : an estimate made during an auction of what tricks you think might be lost, but if as declarer you end up losing more ....and it was partner's bids that were in error ...let him know it's time for him to do his losing teeth count
• relay bid : one that passes the buck ( or is it baton? ) onto the other player to actually bid a proper suit

CURMEDGEONS:Part 1............( Article by Carp) Bridge players by and large are a rum lot of individuals, often developing into a rare breed of curmudgeons. They are hard to please, never completely satisfied with their (or partner's) performance, too quick to criticise, and prone to periodic bouts of despair and depression at the table. Sounds familiar...doesn't it? Indeed, curmudgeons are renown for never being pleased when dummy's hand goes down. On the one hand it may be too good....and the painful realisation of a missed game or slam sets in. But then, on the other hand, it is usually lacking in some respect.....be it points, shape or trump holding. At the table the curmudgeon will always offer a courteous "thank you", but underneath the veneer of gratitude there lurks gross disapproval and content. However "restraint" is not a word in the curmudgeon's vocabulary, and all too often sarcastic one-liners emerge from their mouths. So let's look at a few of the classic comments that poor unfortunate dummies have had to put up with over the years:

• " that's the worst 23 points I've ever seen "
• " not much help there partner "
• " I've seen better "
• " so much for your bidding "
• " all your points are in the wrong places "
• " you supported me on that garbage "
• " you cannot pass on that......"
• " if I'm not mistaken, you did bid a.....? "
• " what sort of a raise was that ? "
• " must you open on rubbish ? "
• " I can only see..........points, partner "
• " you're off your head "
• " you forgot the system....didn't you ? "
• " why not double them instead ? "
• " lurking again ? "

So partnering a curmudgeon partner is no joy ride. In part 2, published tomorrow, we shall look at more of these cutting jibes and classic put-downs...... which will firmly fix in your mind that whatever you bid at the table, you are destined never to get it right.

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER SPEAKING: EVEN MORE BRIDGE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT.....................

• Well, there I was at the club the other night, with Bigot Johnson of all people stepping in as my partner. What a nightmare. Nevertheless, two of his histrionic outbursts,........I did have some sympathy for .....given the nature of the opponents' quite outrageous bridge table antics .
• One particular shenanigan involved my right-hand opponent (RHO) who, after two passes, made a super light opening bid of one diamond in 3rd position. Bigot-Johnson overcalled one heart, and now my LHO stepped in with one spade. I passed this bid having modest values and a 3-2-5-3 shape. Now came the "fast pass", given that my RHO's pass card hit the table nano-seconds after mine. Well, I ask you.....the speed of this call surely carried one message only......and that was the obvious "I don't want us to compete anymore partner.....not red against green". Bigot went ballistic, screaming : "can't you buggers bid in tempo?" However, the TD failed to see my partner's point of view, and with the LHO opponent finding a nice safe diamond lead at trick one, we were condemned to a below average board.
• The second incident that got to Bigot-Johnson was towards the end of the session....but by then I was a mental wreck....... and two rather fat LOLs came to our table. My partner opened one notrump to which I responded two clubs, alerted as a stayman enquiry. My LHO then asked Bigot-Johnson....a fatal mistake....as to what the bid said about my hand: " Does it promise both majors or one........or perhaps none?" Viewing her with both suspicion and loathing, he eventually grunted out a reply: " Non-promissory". Then, after we settled for game in 3 notrumps.... low and behold.... my RHO makes an opening lead from her small doubleton heart. Despite partner having the Ace in this suit, it was my LHO who eventually cashed out four heart winners, alongwith her outside Ace. One off was a bottom for us, and Bigot completely freaked out. He loudly appealed to God to bring forward the day, when decent, upright citizens like himself could take the law into their own hands and bring back "lynchings" and "floggings". When the rant was over, with the TD now in attendance , both these slippery eels denied any wrongdoing....and the score was allowed to stand. At this point, Bigot stood up to make his final parting shot. Staring directly at them he bellowed out: "these two have given the acronym LOL a whole new meaning....namely... LUMPS OF LARD". For first time I was in complete agreement with him.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT EVEN BIGOT-JOHNSON CONDEMNED AS RUBBISH....( By Pun )

• Bridge Is For Sad Old Gits................................Josh Kidding
• Love Across The Bridge table............................Bill N. Coo
• Is Bridge Going To The Dogs?...........................Jack Russell
• Getting Your Own Back....................................Eve N. Stevens
• Going Nuts Over Bridge....................................Al Monz
• Players' Most Irritating Habits...........................Constance Cratching
• Making Up To Partner......................................Sarah Nade
• What....Call Me A Cheat?................................Lee Vitout
• Officious TDs..................................................Des Potts
• Squeeze Your Opponents................................Tilly T. Hertz

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................................................................................... ( The letter below has been redrafted in order not to offend the sensitivities of delicate law abiding readers.)

• Dear Rebecca, Several members at my club have sent in letters of complaint about my alleged rudeness and offensive behaviour at the tables. Well, being a rough diamond I suppose, I was brought up to call a spade a spade, and to tell people straight what was on my mind. I'm not one who suffers fools gladly ....and this club of mine believe you me is full to the rafters with such people! It's not in my nature to sweep things under the carpet, to overlook burning issues, to turn a blind eye and avoid confrontation. What am I to do when faced with stupidity, petty mindedness, and bridge-table gaffes, that would make any sane man pull out his hair in sheer frustration. Am I to smile.....or hand over bunch of roses?
• And what if I encounter dopey, hesitant, revoking and revolting opponents? Do I just sit there like a pudding and allow their misdemeanours to go unchallenged? I think not. So what advice could you give me now that the club committee is currently reviewing 356 totally unwarranted letters of complaint besmearing my good name.Yours totally misunderstood......Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, Not only are you barking up the wrong tree, I would say you are barking mad. It sems to me you're damn lucky to still be a member of your club. One complaint is one too many. Two is pushing your luck. But 356 can only mean three things..........you are a hypocrite...........a fool........and a thoroughly unpleasant person. ( Incidentally, I've written my own letter of complaint to your club committee ...numbered 357 .....because of the huge number of defamatory remarks and vulgar expletives I found in your correspondence. )
• It is imperative that you recognise that most club members are victims of countless psychological disorders and afflictions..............and you are no exception. As you well know, a close friend and associate of mine, Dr. John, is writing extensively on this very subject. So just accept the reality of this prevailing state of affairs: in bridge clubs abnormal behaviour is the norm. If you cannot tolerate others without exposing your own disorders, then I suggest you carry with you at all times a muffle cushion. Now... you can bury your face in it, whenever the urge to shout and scream becomes overwhelming. By being able to stiffle and silence yourself in this way, no one at all will be able to hear you.......whilst you, of course, will be able to release all that pent-up anger and frustration. Yours Rebecca "don't ever contact me again you obnoxios little man" Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT BIGOT-JOHNSON TRULY LOVES.............( By Pun )

• I'm A Bridge Playing Transvestite............................"Big" Jesse
• "Don't take My Insults Too Seriously, Partner"......Mickey Takin
• Bridge Memoirs: My Ups And Downs........................Jack Rabbit
• So What If I'm A Bridge Bully.....................................Issac Hunt
• Sitting Seats Are Not For Me......................................Emma Royds
• Ladies Just Love Me..................................................Ken I. Pullem
• I've Won Everything Going (Just)..............................Joe King
• Staying Ahead Of The Field.......................................Lee Meadows
• "Are You Taking The Piss, Partner?".........................Jimmy Riddle
• No Going Back, Partner..............................................Ruby Conn

BRIDGE ETIQUETTE TOWARDS PARTNERS ( REVISED EDITION) .........................( By Howard Bigot-Johnson )

As practised by the new generation of Bigot-Johnson wannabes................................The 10 Golden Principles:

1. If you end up in an unmakeable contract preserve your own personal integrity and standing, by blaming your partner's absurb bids for landing you there........even if he passed throughout!
2. If you misplay a perfectly bid and easily makeable contract, remind partner that one of his earlier indiscretions had continued to play on your mind, clearing indicating that your failure.... was his fault after all.
3. If your partner raises your opening bid ( or overcall ) to the limit, which leads to a double and a rather hefty penalty, remind him quite politely that he ought to be aware that you have a tendency to open on filth.
4. When in defence your partner has just made a diabolical play of the cards, calmly point out to him ( at the end of the hand ) the fruitlessness of his lead/return................. by referring to him as a "jaffa".
5. If you have been criticised by your partner ( heaven forbid ) on a particular aspect of your play, discretely ask as many people as you can about the hand......and what they would have done in that situation. Keep on asking until you find someone who shares your view, whereupon you quickly inform partner of this third opinion. Now you can tell partner with conviction that it is he who is in the minority.
6. If you meet opponents that are regarded as weak, elect to play them rather than the system which is on your card. If your partner becomes misled by your unilateral departure from the agreed convention card, politely point out that there is such a thing called "table presence"............which he needs to acquire if his reading of your bids is to improve.
7. If you are renowned for psychic or unsound bids which propel partner to bid directly to game, 4 Notrumps, or slam..........gently remind him that you are an advocate of "slow approach" bidding. The subsequent bad score therefore was completely down to his rash, impetuous and undisciplined bidding.
8. If the opposition, say an E/W pair, have provided you with a gift, make sure you alert them to the error of their ways.....alongwith a huge big "thank you". Also tell them not to be so stupid with the other N/S pairs, since this would negate any advantage gained here. If, as expected, partner objects to your comments, quickly point out to him the insensitivity of his remarks.......and his rudeness for butting in.
9. If you have had a miserable session and a stack of below-par scores, put to the forefront of your mind your partner's litany of errors ( deleting of course, all those he could easily counter-claim were solely down to you). Ensure that the list and all the hands concerned can be repeated in exact detail.....at the drop-of-a-hat....in any bridge conversation, say up to 20 years later. Constant reminders like this may well prompt partner not to make the same mistakes again.
10. Always believe that you are a player of superior technical skill, vision and ability. This way whenever any new partner asks for a game, it is you that is making the magnanimous gesture.......and that it would be both customary and appropriate to offer you some form of remuneration, as compensation for the sacrifice being made..

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IF BOB DYLAN HAD BEEN A BRIDGE PLAYER?............................... then he would have surely used these alternative lyrics to the song "The House of the Rising Sun".....lyrics that might have gone like this:

• There is a house in Fishbein Road......where bridge boys go to play
• It's been the ruin of many a marriage....just how many I cannot say
• The game of bridge is such a pull..... which no one as yet can resist
• 'Cus the thrill of making trick after trick.....is nothing short of bliss
• Now the only thing a player needs......is a system that carries no flaws
• And the only time he's ever satisfied.....is when it delivers good scores
• Or when hands are bid to the limit...with opponents in all kind of trouble
• 'Cus should they decide to the bid again ..... you're in with a juicy double
• But I warn all those thinking of joining...there's a risk of ruining your lives
• By going to that house in Fishbein Road...you may end up losing your wives
• Yet I'll be back for another game....whilst at home there wont be a sound
• Either my wife has found a new lover....or she's digging a hole in the ground
• So with the club my shrine, cards my drug....I must visit the house whilst I'm able
• Nothing must stop me claiming my seat.....as the boards arrive at the table

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................................

• Dear Rebecca, I've won countless club trophies. but despite all these achievements I cannot get into the club's Intercity 'A' team. What else can I do to get the recognition and call-up I so richly deserve. Yours forever overlooked............Des Trought
• Dear Des, I'm sorry to say, but your primary focus needs to be getting some sort of a reality check. Winning a few selling plates does not qualify you to run in the classics. There's an old racing adage "horses for courses" that you need to take on board. Should you ever venture out into the big-boys world of congresses and/or national competitions......beating the likes of me and my fellow grandmasters...... then I agee, you may have a point. Otherwise, come to terms with the fact you are no more than the proverbial nag. Yours straight from the horses' mouth......Rood

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............................................

• Bidding.................the rest period between arguments
• Danger Hand.........usually your partner's right fist, after failing to see it was the LHO who carried the threat
• Face Down...........how you inevitably end up after failing to see the danger hand.....
• Wriggle................ a clever but unethical body movement to tell partner to bid again to find a safer spot
• Top-of-nothing.......a common joke God plays on players, condemning them to mid-table mediocrity

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HELPED BIGOT-JOHNSON TO BECOME THE PLAYER HE IS TODAY...........................( By Pun )

• Peeking At The Cards..............................Eileen Backmore
• For Pity's Sake Give Me The Lead............Dug Walker
• Visionary Bids And Lines Of Play..............Rev. L. Ayshuns
• Making That Killer Switch...........................Sir Kit Braker
• The Bridge Adventures Of Jill And Pat.......Les B. Hanz
• Bridge Is A Lottery....................................Tom Bola
• Psyches And Deviations............................Ben D. Rules
• Partner, Let's Bury The Hatchet..................Tom A. Hawk
• Flaws In My Game.....................................Gay Pinhole
• Seaside Congresses' Main Attraction........Don K. Rydes

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES....................................................................................

• The other day when I was clearing out a few old files, I came across the medical records of my very first patient from the bridge playing fraternity. This rather obnoxious character.....I really did struggle to display any shred of professional empathy..........came to me with a quite unnerving personality disorder. Hard as I tried I was completely unable to help this man, who was displaying acute symptoms of the condition known as URIA HEPITITUS.
• This affliction, loosely named after a Shakespearean character, is one which causes far more distress to those looking on.......as opposed to the sufferers themselves. Although it can take the form of "hero worship", it is far more likely to manifest itself as creepy, sycophantic behaviour designed to get into someone's good books ( usually a top class player who has an approachable nature ). The sycophants' objectives may range from making very noticeable social contact, seeking positive recognition through regular association........or better still, gaining the envy of others by achieving the status of being the celebrity's partner. Unfortunately, a severe symptom of this condition is the partial blindness which quickly overtakes all sufferers, resulting in their failure to see the widespread contempt that is building up against them. This of course is in response to their endless gloating and smug posturing. Clubs, which have shown real concern over the nauseous and queasy feelings experienced by distressed onlookers, have quite sensibly left strategically-placed buckets all over their premises. These avoid the necessity for members to make mad dashes to the toilets, whilst at the same time reducing the risk of expensive carpet clean-ups. Confrontation and aversion therapies have, to a limited extent, made some inroads into tackling this unpalatable form of arse-licking behaviour, but the odds of success for a permanent cure have continued to remain very high indeed.

NEWSFLASH: PUN MISSES OUT ON PRESTIGIOUS TITLE........

• Pun recently submitted 10 brand new entries for "The Best Pun Bridge Book Title" title....... but to no avail. The man himself was so gutted he was reported as saying: " I guess it was a case of no pun in ten did." Only one got anywhere close to a result, and that was " Best Defence.......(by)......Barry Cade."
• Undeterred, Pun is already working on next year's competition, having created and compiled another hundred bridge book titles, from which one or two seem certain to make his final ten.

JOHNNY SUPREMO GETS IT RIGHT..............................AS ALWAYS

• There I was looking at a hand on which to open one heart, when before I knew it partner (East) had opened the bidding with a pre-emptive 3C..............only for South to confidently overcall, and bid 4S. This bid ended the auction.
• Looking at my: 95......KJ862.....AK107.....97.......I kicked off with the Ace of diamonds, only to see dummy coming down with: 73......A103......QJxxx.......KQ2.
• Partner duly indicated he had a small doubleton diamond.......to match declarer's. If as I suspected he also held a seven card club suit to the Ace, then he had only four cards left in hearts and spades.
• What did I now know about declarer's hand? He certainly must have a singleton club and two diamonds. With ten cards left in spades and hearts, I was convinced he possessed a solid 7 card spade suit, plus 3 hearts to the queen. If this was the case, then partner's remaining 4 cards were indeed 3 hearts and a singleton spade.
• Declarer was certainly good for 8 certain tricks, and I could see him eyeing up two more from dummy's diamonds and clubs. Therefore, only one card at trick 2 could scupper his game plan completely......and that was the King of Hearts !
• Although this gave declarer a surprise heart trick (he was obliged to take it in dummy with the Ace)......his one and only guaranteed entry to any possible winners in diamonds/clubs had suddenly, and prematurely, gone. Now, for the defence, it was plain sailing to take our two diamonds and a club, alongwith a wonderful heart trick courtesy of my jack. The contract was doomed for one down.
• ( As always, good bridge is not just about brilliance.....but an ability to count the cards.....and analysing what declarer might get up to. Then, what to do to disrupt his plans should become all too apparent. In this particular instance, it was a simple case of taking out his crucial entry card to dummy, before any diamond and club winners in dummy could be established.)

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...........................................

• Dear Rebecca, My regular partner is very prone to going into prolonged trances before making any bids and opening leads. It is during one of these trances that I found the time to write this letter. Is there anything I can do or say that might "gee him up a bit" to the welcome relief of all? Yours struggling to cope................Rufus Tyler.
• Dear Rufus, I too have had a gutful of grief from these snails and procrastinators of the bridge world. Personally, I would bite the bullet and terminate the partnership. But if you lack the courage to save your sanity in this bold and abrupt way, might I suggest the following 5 pronged strategy:
• (1) Try to make your frustrations known by placing on the table a giant sized egg-timer..... only to be activated when it is his turn to bid or play.
• (2) Then you must be seen to enter details ( from your stop-watch calculations ) of his start and finish times on his personalised time-sheet.
• (3) Also make sure to carry on your person a whistle, bell or megaphone, so that a "time-up" announcement will not go unnoticed.
• (4) And please remember to bring with you several copies of a carefully worded letter of apology to give out to opponents, after each and every incident.
• (5) Finally, call over the TD whenever possible to give adjusted scores in favour of the opposition, on those boards where you feel they were left with insufficient time to bid and play their cards.
• I can assure you that sticking to this strategy will do the trick.....so to speak. Partner will get the message.......and from my experience it will be you who gets the boot........ Yours undisputedly Rood

LAW REPORT: R v. PUN (AUGUST 2009) ................................... ( This ground breaking test case set a new lankmark with regards to establishing the boundaries of acceptable language on bridge-based blogs. Not since the obscenity trials, involving the publications of Lady chatterley's Lover and Oz, has the judiciary been put firmly in the spotlight to impose a prison sentences on such a merchant of smut ........not to mention an indefinite ban on any more outrageous blog material . The trial had been expected to last for several weeks, but as you can see from the transcript below it was over in a matter of minutes.)

• Prosecutor:" We put it to you Pun that your entries to the Bizarrebridgeworld blog have been so contaminated ....or should I say blighted.............by your appalling and lewd double entendres, that many readers have written in countless letters of complaint to Google.....and the police. Moreover, it seems that you constantly go out of your way to think up book titles...and names......which clearly have unsavoury sexual connotations."
• Pun: " Might I point out that much of my humour draws upon words taken from the bridge vocabulary and names from the local telephone directory, which as a blog writer I'm entitled to use. Am I forbidden to use people's names.......or words like pair, queen, vulnerable, game, bottom, entry, fit, squeeze, raise, jump, trick? It's not my mind that is the problem...it's the minds of all those out there on the internet, who amazingly extract from quite harmless double entendres bucket loads of filth."
• Prosecutor: "But the truth remains that you have on occasions deliberately devised and employed dozens of crude double entendres to titillate your readers."
• Pun: "Yes.....but might I point out that if I used used the word tit....illate...some of my critics would have been up in arms!"
• "I do see your point......but the real offensive stuff comes out with character names such as... Norma Stitz......a vile name by any recognised standard of decency."
• Pun: " Hard on me as it is, but I must inform you that the maiden name of the learned judge presiding over this case, Baroness Gloria Leveridge......also happens to be Stitz...."
• Prosecutor: "Ooops...."
• Pun: " And what's more is....what do you make of your own name...Edward "Ted" Stickles?"
• Prosecutor: "Oh my God.....I see your point.......these damnable double entendres are everywhere.....I wish the case would come to an end."
• Judge: "It has.......so jury members, you are all dismissed......there is no case to answer. The trial is at an end.........the prosecution's wish has been granted."
• Pun: "Thanks your honour......do you fancy a quick one across the road at the Jolly Roger."
• Judge: " Indeed, I do......you little rascal you."

ENGLISH BRIDGE UNION REP MEETS BIGOT-JOHNSON.................( A short extract taken from a recent conversation between an EBU representative and man himself)

• R : " Well, what is your objection to the EBU master point promotions and ranking system?"
• B-J: " I wouldn't for a minute question the fact that those with grandmaster status certainly deserve their star billing as being some of the best players around."
• R: "I'm pleased to hear that."
• B-J: "But regarding promotions to regional masters ......now that is a different matter...... urgently needing review. There are players out there....complete bumbledogs....who struggle to get 40% on a normal duplicate night at their club......who low and behold ...in no time at all.... suddenly start poncing around with smug smiles and inflated egos......having just acquired the status of regional masters........it's a disgrace."
• R: "Hold on a minute....isn't this an extremely biassed and prejudiced point of view."
• B-J: "Not in the slightest. I know of dozens of losers who drive all over the country at weekends attending congresses happy to shell out a ton or more just for that half greenie........which they inevitably get when they play other equally hopeless players permanently occupying the bottom tables. One year on...and with fifty congresses under their belt these no-hopers, clueless clowns.......complete noddies.......... eventually accumulate the 25 greens needed for entry into that hall of regional master stardom. It's a ludicrous system.........this buy-your-way-to-success completely masks the fact that those half-way up the ladder may still useless at the game."
• R: " But we need to reward those ...in some way..... who win one or two of their round matches."
• B-J: " Rubbish...that's like the Olympics Body giving out medals to all those that get through the first round heats. Might I suggest instead........ that round match-winners in the bottom half receive a token towards a lucky dip from a giant bran-tub. This event could take place after the final session before the major prize giving. But back to the issue in question.....for me, the rationale for giving out green points should be based on sustained success. This surely establishes evidence of competence and ability. Green points should therefore only be handed out to those finishing in the top 10% of the competition field."
• R: "But that would mean some players would take years...perhaps a lifetime.....to acquire these 25 greenies..........and that might dissuade them from coming to congresses.......and that in turn has financial implications for EBU, surely?"
• B-J: "Yes,yes...but buying status and qualifications can't be right.......but hey, enough said on this topic.... let's get onto a much more important matter.......such as, do you accept that I am a first class, top-notch player..... despite not having any regional master credentials?"
• R: "Indeed, I do."
• B-J: " Do you also accept that some regional masters may have no bridge sense whatsoever?"
• R: " Yes...you could be correct with that assessment."
• B-J: "Well, surely then.... the EBU will allow me to enter this competition for regional masters and above."
• R: " Not a chance...the rules are quite clear."
• B-J: " Bugger..."

CAN I HELP IT IF AN OPPONENT GIVES AWAY AN INADVERTANT TELL..................................( Article by Howard Bigot Johnson)

• I am in 6S and the opening lead is a club. With one possible loser in diamonds, I needed to pick up the queen of trumps before testing the hearts. With nothing to go on, I have a simple choice: either play for a 2-2 split to drop the queen, or take the finesse through my RHO.... where the queen to three could be lurking.
• Dummy had come down with: ......109x.......AKxxx...........Q...........xxxx.........opposite my rather impressive ....................AKJxxx.......Qxx...........Kx..........AK
• I opted for plan A. I took the club trick in hand with the Ace, and quickly played the Ace of spades, intending to play the King of spades next........as did West ! However, for some unknown reason I inadvertantly played the King of clubs instead.
• West didn't bat an eyelid as he was still pondering which card to discard on the anticipated trump King. Had he registered the card as a club, the pause I'm sure would not have been as long. Moreover, if he had another spade, then surely to God he would waste no time in playing it.....or at least make a rapid change when it became apparent a club was called for. I could not help but come to the conclusion that my LHO started out with a singleton spade.
• So at trick four I played over to Dummy's top heart to take the spade finesse. This worked of course, enabling me to bring the slam home plus one.
• Should my play be described as a sneaky opportunist masterpiece of reasoning? And even if such action fell outside the boundaries of unethical practice, should I have done the honest thing and stuck with my original plan. Bugger that.
• ( I would welcome any readers' comments.)

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE GONE TO PRINT........( By Pun )

• Kibitzing Under Cover...............................Ida Downe
• Bridge Book Reading Aids..........................Paige Turner
• Bigot-Johnson To Go Professional?..............Willy O'Wownty
• Up Against It............................................Abe Rickwall
• Have A Plan "B".........................................Justin Case
• Bridge On The Cheap................................Penny Pinchin
• Table Antics: Taking The Biscuit...............Gary Baldy & Ginger Knutt
• Bridge At Sunrise..................................... Earl E. Rizor
• Bridge At Sunset...................................... Dawn Skye
• Highway Robbery At The Bridge Tables..... Stan and Del Lever

WHY YOU REALLY LOSE AT BRIDGE...........................(By Carp)

• S.J. Simon wrote a book on this very subject, but his explanations revolved around the notions of too many players having poor technique and lousy judgement, flawed logic and analysis, alongwith a lack of discipline, skill and tactical awareness.
• So what about the rest of us who do have the necessary attributes to win at bridge but never seem to deliver? Surely, there has to be other explanations that go beyond the cliches "it wasn't our day" or "luck always seems to desert us".
• I think I have the answers to explain why this situation arises. Out there are malevolent forces at work conspiring against us...... the chosen few...... making sure we are always just outside the prizes.............never to experience rostrum glory or silverware success. Indeed, we are eternally cursed to become the victims of nature's cruellest laws. We are destined never to be blessed or walk on water, have a charmed life, or have our prayers answered. So what are these damnable laws that mercilessly compel us to just miss out.
• Icarus' Law "The higher you climb the greater your fall". This law locks in just when you think you are on the flight path to glory, and the sweet smell of success is in the air. Whenever you think you are really flying and on cloud nine, having reached the top table with just one round to go.......you are about to discover the reality of peaking too soon. As the sun comes out during that final round, you see your wings suddenly melting as one bad board follows another. Now your final round zero score sends you plummeting down the order......to yet again experience the pain of missing out on the prizes.
• Murphy's Law "If anything can go wrong it will". This manically pessimistic outlook reflects a law attributed to a little known but competent Irish bridge player, who found himself in a rock solid grand slam, doubled and redoubled. On fumbling with excitement to pull out a high trump card, he allowed a small trump card instead to drop face up on the table. The opposition insisted this was the card that had to be played, whereupon they snatched the trick to defeat the contract. Not long after, he thought he had won a knockout teams final by brilliantly bidding and seeing home a small slam on the last board, only to discover that his team-mates had played that board earlier on.......but the wrong way round. This resulted in the board being scrubbed, and the match lost as a result. Murphy from that point on always feared the worse, and the law made sure that all his fears turned into reality. From some of us the Murphy's ghost has become our constant companion.
• Sod's Law There's no universally accepted definition of this law, but for many it's essentially a comic explanation of ironic misfortune. Some examples often cite players, who in moments of crisis, experience forces beyond their control, which compels them to do things that their logic and expertise rejects. For instance, you recognise that a particular board is going to have a significant impact on your results. Suddenly, the law takes hold, and you develop a thought that what you are about to do will be wrong. Yet despite this gift of insight you go ahead with this thought anyway! Immediately after the ensuing disaster, you are quick to explain to partner that your actual bid and/or play of the cards was based upon the absurb logic....... that the less likely outcome was the one more likely to occur........but of course it didn't. Although it may seem to some that Sod's Law and Murphy's Law appear the same they are not. Sod's law only operates on higher levels of probability and/or absurdity. Murphy's law has more to with the manifestation of one's fears.
• So now you know what forces are out there conspiring against you and I.......always making sure that we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory over and again. S. J. Simon's book, excellent though it is, certainly failed to acknowledge the existence of these laws, which in my eyes was an unbelievable oversight.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : MESSINA BOUTUS................ This particular condition tends to affect bridge players who build up a run of wretched scores in the first half of a duplicate session. Their initial desire to take no risks eventually changes into a gung-ho approach towards both their bidding and their play. This blase attitude stays with them for the remainder of the session. Born out of frustration and anger, this psychological disorder quickly develops from small mildly frivolous acts... ......into full blown "out of control" random behaviour . "Losing their heads" is often an understatement of their condition. Unconcerned now about any future scores , wild punts and outrageous psyches abound. The urge to have fun and create mayhem in the opposition ranks spurs them on towards total self-destruction at the table. However, this condition does have serious implications for the sufferers. Firstly, they will certainly face severe disciplinary action from the club officials, following the inevitable list of complaints gathered in from shocked and outraged opponents. Secondly, the disorder often spills over into their private and work lives, causing them to experience broken marriages, as well as summary dismissals from their work-place. Yet strangely, for some victims of this full-blown disorder, the gay abandon and freedom they have now come to enjoy.......soon develops into a craving. This sudden addiction propels them into making life-changing decisions. These always seem to involve rejection of their former-lives, opting instead to back-pack around the world.....in search of love, excitement, adventure , danger and wealth.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................

• Dear Rebecca....... Is it possible in tournament events to be both competitive and considerate towards your opponents? ............Yours a tad unsure......Tobias Fitzwilliam
• Dear T....... In a word "No". If competitions are to be taken seriously there is no room for sentiment. One is required to adopt a win-at-all-cost attitute, with no prisoners taken. This in turn requires you to ruthlessly exploit the mistakes, weaknesses...and transgressions.....of those who seek to do the same to you. It's dog eat dog out there in the competitive arenas of big tournament events. The secret to success is to get your strikes in first. However, I would suggest that you also try to adopt a convincing facade of politeness, alongside a dollop of cunning charm..............Yours always a wolf in sheep's clothing..........Rebecca

THE TEN MOST USELESS BRIDGE BOOKS EVER................( By Pun)

• Work Hard On Your Game.................................Ernest N. Devver
• Giving Opponents A Pounding...........................Jack Ammer
• I'm A Grandmaster............................................Justin Credible
• New Bidding Concepts.......................................Ivor I. Deer
• After You Partner..............................................Hugo First
• Moves To Stop Bullying.....................................Will B. Dunne
• Bridge Bullies Rile Me........................................Ann Greaswell
• Bridge At A Canter.............................................Orson J0ckey
• Pretending You're An Expert..............................Faye Kinnet
• Amusing Bridge Stories......................................Anne Moore

A TWO MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON...................

• "Come on..come on.....get on with it.....I haven't got all bloody day!"
• "Sorry....well, let's start off with....I know....What made up take up bridge?"
• " To put it simply...I fell head-over-heels in love with a woman who was a very keen bridge player and she introduced to the game...."
• "And what happened to her?"
• "Well, her game was so bad I had to ditch her......to seek out new partners who have at least some semblance of card sense and table presence."
• "Does it matter to you that club members have openly stated that your name describes you perfectly... .........a bigot who is riddled with prejudice, bias and extremist attitudes?"
• "Yes, if they happen to be on my " Very Special Friends" list, but no to the countless others who are not."
• "So what do you like to do outside Bridge?"
• "Hmm...not much really...but being a ken allotment man .... I find nicking veg off other peoples' patches saves me one helluva lot of money......I do enjoy reading a blog called WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT ...written up by some weird Aussie bloke ....good read...full of interesting stuff... with quite a bit of humour tossed in for good measure."
• "And..what made you decide on doing this bizarrebridgeworld blog?"
• "Well, I got really pissed off with being the editor of the club newsletter when criticisms came in thick and fast. I'm very sensitive to criticism you know. So I thought sod you I'm going to find readers who will appreciate my talents....somewhere where there is an uncensored, restrained, anarchistic world in which I can run amok."
• " So as a final question....what would you ask for if you were granted one wish?"
• " The re-introduction of capital punishment....there are crimes being committed at the bridge tables that warrant lynchings and up-against-the-wall shootings.......because... as yet..... nothing has been done to stop them..."
• "Interesting answer there....... an appropriate moment now..... I think.... to thank you for giving me the opportunity to put these questions to you..... and.... er..... is there anything you want to ask me?"
• "Yes.....how much am I getting paid for this interview?"
• "Nothing...."
• "Bugger...."

FANTASY BRIDGE................................( Article by Pun)

• "Anyone for bridge?" asked Dracula. Both Errol Flynn and Mae West stepped forward.
• "Nice pairing" said the Count looking directly towards the volumtuous Mae.
• "I'll make up the four" replied Sweeny Todd, his eyes ablaze with sadistic delight and threatening barbarism.
• And so it was that this unlikely foursome sat down for the first time together to play a big money game of rubber bridge. "We need to cut.....for partners," said Sweeny, as he sat there sharpening his pencil. As luck would have it Errol was to partner Mae where Sweeny drew the Count.
• Errol soon found Dracula's random overcalls a little batty to say the least, not to mention his doubles that seemed to go for the jugular. The play of the cards also showed the Count to be in a rich vein of form. Sweeny's defence was also razor sharp, and despite numerous close shaves the murderous pair managed to pull off some remarkable contracts.
• "Anyone fancy a beer....or some vino?" queried Errol. THe Count was first to reply: " I don't mind a nip of the red stuff to start me off." So drinks were served mid-way through the third rubber. Mae decided she needed a tactical talk with Errol. " Listen, forget about ponderous approach bidding. Get your oar in, and jump me whenever you can. Once you know we are in a good fit go to the limit. We mustn't stick our necks out too far against these two, and neither must we make unnecessary phantom sacrifices. I'm only intersted in easy lay downs. And oh yes....I don't want to play McKenny discards. I much prefer Held with its clear come-on signals.
• The refreshment break and team talk certainly appeared to change their luck. Both the third and fourth rubber went their way to the fury and frustration of Dracula, who was now spluttering and choking after each bad score. " Your coughing needs to be seen to..." suggested Sweeny. The Count, by not picking up on the true context of the remark, quickly snapped back: "How inconsiderate of you to mention the word coffin......hasn't it dawned on you yet, my night is still young." Sweeny, sensing an opportunity to rattle the Count again, then quipped: " Should we play the last rubber for bigger stakes?" For a second time Dracula seethed at his mischievous and provocative partner.
• The fifth and deciding rubber got underway, and with one game up, and in pole position, Errol opened 2 spades. Mae, blessed with a decend hand herself, had waited all night for partner to come up with the really big one. " If this turns out to be a cock up I don't give damn".....she thought....."I'm going to punt 7 notrumps". But as she was about to bid Sweeny came in with a fatuous question as to what two clubs meant. Mae politely replied: "He's loaded with points and has length...of course.....in that suit". A few minutes later, a carefully executed endplay brought home the grand slam. The money was theirs. The Count felt like someone who had just had his heart pierced. Sweeny too was extremely cut up. And as Errol was about to down a stiff drink, Mae ( with a late-night disco in mind) whispered to him....."Hey, big boy.....why not finish the night off in style..........and come dancing?"

JOHNNY SUPREMO DOES IT AGAIN....................................................

Why just the other day I looked down at the score sheet expecting my 4 hearts tick to one of many identical scores but no ......I was out there on my own with + 420. What on earth had happened to all the other declarers? Are they a load of bumbledogs or what? Am I the only sane player here who is capable of making the obvious play?

• Well, dummy's hand was: ..... 10xxx......98xx.......AKJx......x...................................... while my hand was.................AKJ......QJ10x...... Qxxx.......xx....................................
• Despite the opposition finding their big club fit, it was the queen of spades which appeared as the opening lead. I stopped to take stock of the situation. My LHO opponent, who had come in with confident overcall, had calmly volunteered the queen into the jaws of death, foregoing any chance of making it via a losing finesse. The bugger was clearly out to make a trump trick on a spade ruff.
• My analysis of the situation was as follows: " If I attack the trump suit first I can easily predict what is likely to happen. My LHO will rise with the King of hearts and play out his doubleton spade. Once he's in again with the heart Ace.....he will then put his partner in with a club and gleefully win the third round of spades with his last trump. Well, not against me matey! This calls for a simple scissors coup BY LEADING A CLUB NOW in order to scupper their commincations.
• So at the table my RHO took the club and duly led a second round of spades. But once I was in again, I could happlily concede two heart tricks to my LHO....for the possibility of him making his ruff with his third heart had simply disappeared.

Being supreme at the game doesn't necessarily mean you have to be brilliant.......it just requires you not to be stupid.

DR. JOHN'S CASE BOOK....................................................................................................

• Bridge players often transfer blame away from themselves by either loading it onto partner......or putting it all down to bad luck. PARANOIA CATASTROPHOBIA is an irrational fear that strikes certain players, who very quickly convince themselves that the spectre of misfortune and bad luck is out to get them. This affliction quickly takes hold of its victims right at the start of a session, when the first bad board is recorded. Each successive bad board reinforces the belief even more that they really are cursed with bad luck.... eternally damned. Inevitably, subsequent decisions become based on irrational thinking that the cards will be lying badly..................and because they're not ....... further disasters occur. It has been noticed that this condition affects the friday night players more, especially those who turn out on the 13th of the month, having crossed the path of a black cat on the way to the club. From then on there is no way on earth that the right decision, concerning a two-way finesse for instance, can ever be made. Because they feel dark forces are against them......and fear the worse......they talk themselves into making the wrong decisions. Tragically for them, the fear multiplies exponentially after each and every bad board.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT NEVER GOT TO PRINT...........(By Pun)

• " I Lost To A Novice "..........................................Travis Tey
• How I Rate Bigot-Johnson..................................Frank Lee Crapp
• "I'm Giving Up The Game".................................. Addy Nuff
• Bridge:The Inquests And Post Mortems..............Cher DeBlame
• Going The Distance With Partner.......................Sheila Blige
• Insuring Against Bad Breaks............................. Polly C. Holder
• Bridge Drives Me Crazy.................................... Ray Vinmad
• "If You Need Me I'm Here"..................................Sadie Word
• Will Partner Play For The Drop? .................... ...Betty Wont
• Obstructive Bids and Delayed Game Raises ........Phil E. Buster

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................................................................... Bridge players suffer from all kinds syndromes, all of which over time will be covered in this blog. However, one of the most unusual and startling conditions I have ever encountered is the PATTY HEARST SYNDROME. This was first first recognised (and labelled) after the grand-daughter of a publishing baron was kidnapped from her apartment in the April of 1974 by a leftist Symbionese Liberation Army group. During her ordeal she developed increasing sympathy with her cruel and demanding captors, becoming so attached to them she eventually took an active part in their subsequent bank robberies. Some bridge players, who find themselves under siege from their hostile, irate, and frustrated partners, also develop..... contrary to any rational explanations......... an unhealthy respect and admiration for their over-bearing mentors. This attachment phenomenon is quite common in many bridge pairings up and down the country. However, the most likely scenario for when people might fall victim to this syndrome is when the need for self-preservation becomes severely acute. An irreversible defence mechanism locks in, whereby the fear of violent retribution for any contemplated acts of resistance can be completely removed by a process of self-delusion. This requires the victims to first accept the notion that acts of aggression perpetrated against them have only been for their own good. Ultimately, the habit of blindly obeying orders then translates itself into the delusion that the aggressors must be great people ....kings infact...... worthy of everlasting adulation and praise.

JOHNNY SUPREMO AT YOUR SERVICE.....................................................................

• Take it from me, I can more than anyone else help you to achieve better results. Often they come about by just squeezing out an exra top or two.......and it's the little bits of magic that often do the trick.
• For instance the other day when I secured that all important top for first prize...... I had to tackle the same tricky problem as other declarers, desperately worried in a dodgy 3 Notrumps contract. I needed three tricks from the heart suit, with dummy holding 972 opposite my AK64 .....and like everyone else I was forewarned about my RHO having five cards (and values) in that suit.
• So what card did I need my LHO to have in his miserable heart doubleton ..... if I was to secure my objective? Why the EIGHT OF HEARTS of course.
• So let's assume my LHO has either 10-8 or 8-small. If you as declarer tackle the suit first byleading low from hand towards dummy, West will certaining jump in with the 10 if he has it. So once you're back in, and over in dummy, the play of the heart 9 will pin your LHO's 8..............either winning the trick or forcing your RHO to cover with the jack. This would be whopped by your King................ and on re-entry to dummy, your A-6 now sits comfortably over RHO's Q-small.
• If your LHO hasn't the 10, a finesse is taken with the 7 if the eight doesn't first appear. Your RHO opponent will of course win the 10. Yet again on the second round of the suit played from dummy, the 9 will pin the 8......... and the same winning lines can be taken. If however the LHO does stick in the 8 , dummy's 9 will force the RHO to win with the 10. Now the 7 of spades can be run from dummy to produce 3 tricks in hearts whatever your RHO chooses to play.

( So please look out for me in the future, if you are looking for those little gems that just might give you that all important edge. Ignore the ludicrous clap-clap and advice Bigot-Johnson is renown for, should he get on his soap-box to spout on about his wonderful table presence and card-playing prowess. The man hasn't got a clue.)

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................................................................

• Dear Rebecca, Club members never ask me to partner them......the onus it seems is always on me to do the asking. And I'm a lady ! What is it with bridge players these days that make them so damn picky and choosey.......... and so unwilling to make any departure from their rigid long-term arrangements and routines. Yours feeling sorry for myself .......Mona Lott

• Dear M, Club players fall into 2 groups. Group one players, motivated by the desire to maintain their success, tend to look for partners who they know wont damage their game, results, standing and reputation in the club. However, in order to achieve this goal they need to find reasonably good players, who can be trusted to deliver and perform. Group two players are much more orientated to finding partners of their own calibre and ability. This way they can never be over-awed or made to feel inferior. For them, asking and accepting invitations carry no risks. Therefore, I can only surmise that you are of such low ability, invitations from group one players are completely out of the question. Moreover, your ability level much be unique in its hopelessness for you not to receive invitations from the multitude of players, that play their "social" bridge at a very basic level. Sad as the reality appears to be.....you must forever forge a bridge life completely around the club's stand-by system. Yours never one to mince words .....Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT SHOCKED THE WORLD............... ( By Pun)

• Bridge: My Ups And Downs..................Jack Rabbit
• Gay bridge...........................................Roger Mee-Daly
• Communication In Bridge....................Tex Melator
• Bridge Down Under..............................Fanny O'Toole
• Weeding Out Bad Habits........................Dan D. Lyons
• Why I Lose At Bridge............................Dick Head
• Avoiding Big Bottoms...........................Hugh Jarse
• My Ideal (Mixed Pairs) Partner............ Randy Ashell

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.37 (August 2009) Yet again Bigot-Johnson was called to account: this was deemed necessary after he signed a statement which corroborated the alleged misconduct complained of at the bridge table. This complaint came from Dr. Sigmend T. Schukelgruber, who awaits an apology from the truculent and belligerent Bigot-Johnson. This is a transcript from that hearing.

• "Do you Bigot-Johnson plead guilty to pulling cards out of your hand before it's your turn to play?"
• "Yes, I have submitted a written statement to that effect."
• "And what explanations do you have for this unacceptable behaviour?"
• "Well, being an impetuous and impatient man, I like to crack on with the bidding and play of the cards. But all too often after having seen what card my partner has played, I find myself detaching one from my hand I feel obliged to play...... even before dummy's card has been called for !"
• "Surely, this behaviour.....apart from being highly unethical......doesn't make good bridge sense?"
• "True......but I tend to do this when (a) I can predict what card declarer is going to play from dummy, or (b) I know I have no other meaningful alternative."
• "So what effect do you think your actions might have had on Dr. Schukelgruber's mind.......... with you waiting there.....ready to pounce with your pre-selected card?"
• "Yes, I can now see and appreciate his predicament......possibly.... being compromised, pressured, intimidated, or unnerved by such actions."
• "So have you anything more to say on this matter?"
• "No....but might I be allowed to make a belated apology for this transgression....and for all the others like it. Furthermore, I solemnly swear to make an all out effort to restrain my impetuous urges, reaching for cards .....before........ it's my turn to play."
• "We are all very pleased to hear this. However, despite the fact that you came clean about your misconduct, and have offered an unreserved apology, we cannot ignore the gravity of this complaint. As a result, this committee will publish your name on the club's newly conceived NAME AND SHAME NOTICE BOARD...."
• "Fair enough......so I'm free to go now? I really can't hang around here for any longer."
• "Regretfully, no......it appears you are also down for today's last hearing (case hearing No.40), concerning your ultra-quick passes over opponents' opening one-level suit bids. Dr. Schukelgruber views these as unethical, especially if they can be proved to convey possible unauthorised information to your partners...."
• "Oh, bugger....."

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT PUBLISHERS DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.....( By Pun)

• The ABC Of Bridge......................................Alf A. Bett
• Exposing The Cheats..................................Ike Entele
• Heavenly Bridge.........................................Pearl E. Gates
• Holiday Camp Bridge..................................Heidi Hoe
• Bridge: Southern USA.................................Louise E. Anna
• High Society Bridge....................................Grace Full and Etta Kett
• Is The Game Losing Its Appeal.................... Ida Soumso
• Over Protecting Partner..............................Molly Coddle
• The Precision Club.......................................Artie Fishel
• The Basic Rules To Follow............................ Mandy Tory
• Hiring Partners Has Cost Me Dear.................Penny Less
• Felling The Experts.......................................Tim Burr

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER SPEAKING: these bridge table antics....will they ever stop? Am I destined to be the victim of yet more acts of blatant gamesmanship? Firstly, there was an incident when a defender told his partner that he had quitted a trick wrongly. On being informed of his transgression, he promptly replied "Hey, we're all friends here", and continued to play on as though nothing had happened. To put it mildly I was completely gobsmacked by this display of laid-back indifference. Then minutes later a second incident took place about which I seemed unable to obtain sympathy or redress. At risk again of being unfairly damaged.....I politely confronted a hard-nosed, dubious looking defender with the question:"How many times are you going to glance at partner to gauge the reaction to your lead?" With dagger looks he sneared back, "I never did that, but what if I had ...try proving it". Well, I am beginning to wonder what this game is coming to?

MORE DEFINITIONS FROM THE DEVIL'S OWN BRIDGE DICTINARY............

• Law of total tricks:- new regulations on curbing the activities of club pros
• Protection: -what a vulnerable player needs to employ with a frisky partner
• Queen high:-a term used to describle a gay member on cocaine
• Doubleton:-a grossly fat, hugely overweight player
• Aggregate:-building material you would like to bury your wretched partner under
• TD:-a person of little popularity who inevitabley rules in your opponent's favour
• One Notrump:-the preferred opening bid by players with a flat hand and good bowel control
• Suit: -apparel that was once part of the dress codes for men who wanted to retain their membership

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES: AN UNUSUAL VARIANT OF A.D.D. FOUND TO BE VERY PREVALENT IN BRIDGE CLUBS Labelled TENCHIAN C-KIN this particular form of ADD ( attention deficit disorder) seems only to affect people who play club bridge. The particular nature of this condition causes all its victims to display the same behavioural symptoms. They all adopt an identical strategy in their driven attempt to become the centre of attention, each and every time they turn up to play.......and that requires them to play with partners who are utterly inferior to them. This way they can very easily engineer win-win situations. The strategy involves a 3 pronged tactical approach. The first tactic they employ is to dump upon their hapless partners huge dollops of abuse. The subsequent carry-on and commotion is cleverly designed to gain audience attention through the use of colourful language to produce stinging remarks and sarcastic insults. The second bow to their string comes with the inevitable wretched score-cards, which set the scene for bar room post-mortem discussions. Here they gather an audience, detailing each and every horror hand they lived through that evening......where extreme instances of partner's incompetence brought on near heart-attacks. Seeking as much heart-felt sympathy as they can, they wallow in the words of comfort and concern, which inevitably come their way. Admiration and praise for persisting with such inept partners is always an added bonus. Naturally, players with this disorder must have good bridge credentials in order to present a raft of plausible reasons as to why their partners' bids and play were so appalling. Finally, the third string comes into play, if on the rare occasions they come back with a good card. Now they draw attention to themselves by loudly bragging about their success, which first required them to overcome the handicap of their inept partners........but then to work miracles single-handedly to take on and triumph over some very tough and difficult opponents. Gasps of admiration as to "how did you do it?" brings in the type of accolades they desperately seek. So whoever they play with, and whatever the result , victims with this disorder have found a strategy that works very well. However, by constantly getting the attention they crave for, the addictive nature if this condition makes them totally unreceptive to any offers of therapy and treatment.

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON V. SNAYLE (2009)........... Yet again Bigot-Johnson has taken out another private prosecution against a bridge club member. The allegation relates to an offence cited under the 1968 Theft Act. Here is a short excerpt from the trial:

• B-J : "I put to you... your honour....and the jury......that this man....this time bandit.....this cheating thieving dog has caused me...........as a direct result of his painfully slow play.......to suffer three bad boards. These blots on what was otherwise an excellent score card pushed me into second place in the Crockford's final."
• Judge : "I don't quite see the causal relationship?"
• B-J : "You will in a minute...... for I now call upon Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi to take the stand. He is both an eminent bridge player and mathematician, whose grasp of time-related matters is second to none. Please allow him to explain."
• Prof : "The game of bridge involves playing boards inside a certain time frame, such as 20 minutes to play 3 boards. Sharing this time out equally between the 4 players at the table, permits a 5 minute allocation to each player to bid and play his/her cards."
• B-J : "Get on with it then Hu Chi Ku Chi man.........."
• Prof : "If an opponent say uses up 8 minutes of the total time for prolonged consideration of what to do by going into the "think tank" time and time again......then two conclusions can be drawn."
• B-J : "Yes....Yes....quickly tell the court."
• Prof : "Firstly, if the opponent's partner had any shred of decency, fair-play and conscientiousness he might well try to rectify the theft, by cutting back 3 minutes on his allocation. But this scenario is very unlikely. Secondly, and almost inevitably, the three remaining players will share the remaining time equally, each getting 4 minutes. However, the ratio split now becomes 12:8 minutes in favour of the opposition. So with an unfair advantage of 4 extra minutes, they are in a much stronger position to effectively plan and execute the bidding and play of the cards."
• B-J : "Exactly......and this was the scenario I fell victim to when tortoise face over there came to my table. Precious time I was entitled to was hijacked........and my ability to give due thought and attention to my bidding and play was severely undermined. This undoubtedly reduced my chances to obtain the good scores I needed to secure the trophy."
• Judge: "Theft as it may appear to you.......does not appear that way to me......Mr. Snayle has correctly pointed out that the TDs usually allow such procrastinations to take place, occasionally requiring players at the table to forego the last board....with both sides getting an average in the process. It is quite clear that there are no legal grounds on which to bring a case against the accused .........therefore I am bringing this trial to a close."
• B-J : "Bugger..."

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT OUGHT TO MADE IT BUT DIDN'T...............................(By Pun)

• Bridge In Manilla.................................................Philip Eno
• Gambling For Tops..............................................Orla Nophin
• Techniques That Guarantee Success.................... Warren Teese
• Going For The Risky Overtricks............................Shirley Knott
• Honeymoon Bridge..............................................Candice B. Love
• Master Bridge in 10 Easy Steps.............................Bob Jerunkel
• Bigot Johnson's Secrets To Success...................... Howard Ino
• Crossing Swords With Bigot-Johnson....................Amanda Reckonwith
• The Unpredictable Bigot-Johnson........................ Lou Scannon
• Winning At Bridge Makes Me Happy......................Joe Vielle
• Winning At Bridge Makes Me Laugh.......................Ben Tubble
• Unlock Your Bridge Potential................................Alan Quay

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................................................................................... Dear Rebecca, I appeal to you in your capacity as agony aunt for bridge players in crisis to offer me some reassurance. It's been 43 weeks now since I scored over 50% in club du[plicate events. Is it because my partners are not up to task, or am I the victim of a sustained run of bad luck? ......Yours getting increasingly concerned Ken Hartley-Cope Dear Ken, Yes, you should be worried about this succession of sub-average scores. If this happened to me I would seriously consider topping myself. It seems that you have played with a multitude of different partners ( I wonder why ) but assuming that some were of equal or superior ability to yourself, most people would arrive at the same conclusion as myself. It is you alone that must take resonsibility for this wretched run because you were the common denominator. This is turn may suggest that bridge is not really your game, or to use kitchen parlance " you're a prune". Moreover, luck doesn't come in to equation at all. Players make their own luck, by creating umpteen situations for opponents to make mistakes both in their bidding and play. For instance, religiously giving partner count signals all the time is bad bridge. If the situation arises whereby declarer has much more to gain from the information than your partner, then play to give false and deceptive signals. So take my advice: either give up the game, or give up the bad practices that you have adopted in the way you bid and play the cards. Trying to give it to you straight.......................Rebecca

THE PERFECT BRIDGE PARTNER..................................................................( Article by Carp ) We all have partners who over time become our favourites for a variety of positive reasons. We accept their limitations in exchange for their acceptance of ours, but more often than not we are happy in the knowledge that their good points outweigh the bad. When I was asked about the qualities of "my ideal partner" , I decided to bite the bullet and come clean with open, honest and candid views on their character traits:

• thick skinned .............can handle repeated and endless criticism
• anti-hog bidder............I get to play most of the contracts
• inward looking............ oblivious to any of my mistakes
• delusional...................perceives me as the expert
• lives nearby................ free lifts to and from the club
• wooden and predictable.......dummy never disappoints having what he/she promised
• generous.....................first (and last) to buy the two rounds of drinks
• reasonably competent........capable of bunny-bashing like myself
• obedient......................follows my instructions to the letter
• unquestioning............. never one to argue
• humble and self-effacing.......always prepared to take the blame
• masochistic.................views my sarcastic insults as " colourful witty banter"
• unflappable................. oblivious to opponents with grandmaster credentials
• good at maths............. can count to thirteen

Sadly for me the perfect partner does not exist, but the quest to find one still goes on............

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG......................................................................................... Dear Rebecca, The other evening after I stepped in as stand-by when your partner failed to turn up, you completely disappeared after the last hand. I was so desperate to get your opinion on how played? Yours still in the dark..........................Binky

Dear Binky,

Oh yes, I remember that evening's debacle very well indeed. Who need words to describe how bad you were. How could you not pick up on my body language? Allow me now to recap on all my signals:

• the slumped body in the chair directly opposite you
• the score card ripped up after hand 10
• the 3 trips to the toilet to "throw up"
• the 2 brief exits from the building ( to scream into the muffle-cushion kindly provided by the bar steward )
• my steadfast refusal to watch you play as declarer, preferring instead self-mutilation ( stabbing pen into flesh )
• the urgent visit to the bar ( to telephone hubby to bring over some anti-depressant tablets )
• the constant pulling out of my hair which was found under each and every table
• the rapid exit from the club in a desperate attempt to see a psycho-analyst friend of mine before he went to bed

Surely you've the message now................................Yours as ever incredibly Rood

CRIMES COMMITTED AT THE BRIDGE TABLES by Bridgemeister GIbson As bridge players you may have been getting away with crimes for years........but a recent spate of Crown Court cases will now put a stop to all that ......... as you will be clearly discover after reading the following 2009 LAW REPORTS:

• R v. Esbedee : The accused was charged with "criminal nuisance" by reason of his relentless and persistent urge to trump at every given opportunity. The sensitivities of those adversely affected were deemed to be those of ordinary reasonable people, who could not (in the eyes of the jurors) be expected to survive such repeated acts of trumping and over-trumping.
• R v. Fox : The accused was charged with "obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception", when he secured prize money by using an array of extremely clever, cunning and deceptive bids. These included psyches, deviations, super-light openers and overcalls, phantom cue bids and off-centre one notrumps. Many of these completely flummoxed, confused and stymied his opponents, causing them to make silly errors and costly blunders. The jury had no difficulty in returning a unanimous guilty verdict.
• R v. Chatterton & Chatterton : The two accused were charged with "unlawful social intercourse" having been caught on endless occasions gossiping to each during at the bridge tables........before, during and after each and every hand they played. Irated opponents and flabbergasted onlookers were appalled by their complete contempt for the club rules regarding acceptable behaviour. After a guilty verdict was recorded, the judge sentenced them to 180 hours of community service erecting fences and bedding plants in nearby National Trust gardens.
• R v. Pilfer : The accused was charged with "stealing contracts" through a combination of frivolous and daring bids when vulnerable little old ladies came to the table. Their frailness and timidity only compounded the situations which saw them time and time again opting out of the bidding too quickly, despite their far superior point count. The jury was dumbstruck by the audacious and outlandish nature of these smash and grab assaults. Having noted the arrogance and pride displayed by the accused on his admission of guilt, the judge had no hesitation in sending him down to serve 2 years in prison.

( So be warned, both the police and the CPS are now targeting every bridge club around. Be very aware that your cards might have been already marked..........and if they have, then sadly your game is up. )