DON'T COURT DISASTER : FORFEIT PRIDE AND AVOID THE FALL........ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Any small club with limited assets and unlimited liability status should take always listen to this simple piece of advice :  " don't court disaster ".  Indeed, such words of wisdom have been embraced by many multi-million pound companies , which not only can afford the top notch lawyers , but they also have the financial resources to take a dispute all the way to the highest court in the land. 
So I asked a friend of mine why his international hotel group paid out £4000 to a woman who slipped on a dance floor and broke her ankle , when she was wearing ridiculously high heels and was pissed as a newt.  The answer , as he saw it , was based on common sense and good practice  : " The company have a policy to always pay out on all minor claims . " 
" Why was that ? " I asked, fully aware that contributory negligence on her part must surely be 80% or more. The reasons he gave me to support this seemingly defeatist policy produced both a convincing argument , and powerful justification , for such a generous pay out. For the hotel there would be massive savings with regards to :
1. Staff not wasting their time and effort on legal matters, such as gathering information , witness statements , holding countless meetings, preparing and reading documents generated by the never ending communication with solicitors 
2. No lawyers' fees to pay out   
3. No court costs involved 
4. No likelihood of being required to fork out a higher damages award 
5. No adverse publicity, which might well undermine the company's future revenue prospects

Once the claim comes in , no matter how spurious , contentious or unjust ,  common sense and financial prudence screams out to implement a damage limitation strategy. This in turn means no attempt to contest the claim , but to make an immediate generous offer and pay over the money. 
So yes , if any small organisation wants to throw itself off the cliff edge into the sea of financial ruin then by all means go ahead have your day in court.......   

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........

• Tactical bid : a polite name for a nasty , filthy psych
• Optimist : a player who has yet to experience the harsh reality of competitive bridge 
• Advice : unsolicited words of wisdom offered by those who clearly need them the most
• Ability : what is needed to secure your place in the national team unless of course those mega rich sponsors get there first 
• Bridge : a game viewed by the uninitiated as boredom made complicated
• Credit : what most players try to take in post-match discussions , despite the fact it was their partners who pulled off all the successful coups
• Vague bid : one which is , erm , hard to put a finger on on , or define , sort of , well , a rather wishy washy call , one which you might spot when you see it
• Experience : the ability to recognise a mistake when you make it again
• Pushing the opponents : a highly recommended practice should you catch the smug bastards gloating over their success at the top of the stairs
• Flyer : ( a ) a wild , speculative bid,  or (b) a term given to a fast moving airborne bridgemate       

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

• Sponsor : someone who quickly realizes that having buckets loads of money gets you many more selection opportunities than having real ability and talent
• Committee room : a place where the buck rarely ever stops
• Errant partner : a player who represents the death of all hope 
• Hog :  ( a ) when partnering such a person you're in for a pig of a time ,  ( b ) a swinishly selfish or bourishly reckless player who insists on being declarer
• Common sense : practical wisdom and understanding ,  an attribute exceedingly uncommon within the bridge playing fraternity 
• Dossier : a record of a player's misconduct in which the content is a mixture of both truth and fiction
• Unbelievable : a word often used by declarer whenever a suit breaks badly for him
• Happiness : a pleasant , hugely satisfying feeling experienced by players when heaping misery upon their hapless opponents
• Expert : someone who tells you a simple thing in a highly complex way
• Sign off : a bid often used by those who have got tired of thinking

ANOTHER FINE LIMERICK FROM DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER............

There was a mad bidder from Reading
You never knew where he was heading
His bids were all random
He was never in tandem
With partners whose scores they were dreading   

LAW REPORT : R v.BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

( Once again Bigot-Johnson found himself on the wrong side of the law when he was brought before a Crown Court judge for an offence under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 , namely soliciting. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Prosecution counsel ( PC ) : Do I take it Bigot that you recently sponsored a top class player...... in a desperate attempt to win a prestigious pairs trophy at the Walnut Allotment Society bridge club 
B-J : Yes....but what is wrong with  that......morally reprehensible may be.....but never a crime
PC : Well , we will let the court rule on that distinction
B-J : But this soliciting charge is utterly preposterous !
PC : Tell me Bigot ....is it to correct to say that you hired the services of this expert player on more than one occasion ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And payment to this gentleman for his services could be equated say to paying rent for the use of a car ?
B-J : I suppose so ...
PC : So you are  happy to say that you paid rent for his services ?
B-J : Yes
PC : And how old is this person ?
B-J : Fifteen....in fact he's the youngest grandmaster in Britain today.....and a junior world champion in the making
PC : But in legal terms he is still a boy ?
B-J : Of course....he's only just started his GCSEs at school
PC : So to put all this in a nut shell you rent the services of a boy
B-J : Yes
PC : For your personal satisfaction and gain ?
B-J : Yes...
PC :  And you solicited the services of this rent boy in a public place
B-J : Yes
Judge : Disgusting !.....I heard enough....I'm going to direct the jury to find you guilty as charged
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered
Judge :  The very same words I noticed... used by the boy in his witness statement  

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH HAVE MADE GROWN MEN CRY WITH JOY......( admits a tearful Pun ) 

• My Lady Partner Is Forever Nagging At Me..................................Bess Lever
• So What Happened To You After Having Muffed That Slam ?.......Ed Bittenhoff
• Not Content With Taking Her Money To Be In His Team.............Andy Hadder
• Bridge Can Plunge Any Player Into The Pit Of Despair...............Ben Therall-Wright
• My Partner Spends Most Of His Time In Dreamland...................Ellis Dee
• That Cheating Woman Ought To Be Shot.....................................Martha Fukker
• He's Very Frisky When It Comes To Female Partners ...............Hans Downer-Brarr 
• To Find Out Who Holds That Missing Queen ?.............................Leanne Wellover
• What On Earth Attracts Him To Play With That Woman ?............Herbie Hind
• What The Latest Club Gossip Then ?.........................................Phyllis Zinn   

SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5717....

( This time Bigot-Johnson had a pantopod by his goolies with complaints coming in about his alleged but as yet unproven cheating ways. )

B-J : We've got you banged to rights this time Panto.....with at least a dozen complaints all wittering on about your devious methods of passing on unauthorised information to your partner-in-crime , namely your wife
P : That's a load of bullshit.....the woman's so dim she can't understand or interpret even basic Acol bids....let alone coded messages !
B-J : Not so....she's extremely devious and cunning...... just like yourself
P : So what's your proof then that I am a cheat ?  Where's your evidence ?
B-J : Only your recent results...... which now average 73% .....dramatically up from the 44% you were averaging in previous years
P : Well....we happen to be on a roll......can't do anything wrong
B-J : So explain to me how on one infamous board the whole field bid to 7NT on a combined 37 count.....down two......when strangely you and your wife stopped short in 3NT ?
P : A fortuitous bidding misunderstanding 
B-J : Or perhaps a well-tuned ear to loose table talk from a nearby table !
P : Yes, these digital hearing aids of mine are awesome
B-J : But you're not hearing impaired
P : Yes....but they look good 
B-J : Listen Panto we know you're cheating , and although we've gone to great lengths to video your behaviour at the table we failed to detect a pattern of behaviour , which would flag up what unauthorised signalling method you are using
P :  Ah..... that's because you are making an incorrect assumption....
B-J : Alright then.....I'll do a deal.....tell me about your cheating system with a promise never to cheat again....and I'll let you off with just an apology in writing
P : OK....the system is foolproof if you are just focusing on discovering one particular method. The secret behind my success is that I use 26 methods which match the number of boards played in a duplicate session...... as well as the number of letters in the alphabet. 
B-J : I'm intrigued..... 
P : Well, let's suppose I'm playing board 13 .....then the key letter is M being the thirteenth one in the alphabet. This tells partner we are using mouth shaping signals. If for instance we are playing board 6....the letter F.....then finger signals will be used. Board 17.... the letter Q....requires us to use questions to convey particular information about our heads. Board 26 ....offers no problems either with Z.....because now the number of times we yawn or close our eyes gives oodles of vital information to partner
B-J : Panto.....that is sheer genius.....nobody would have been able to detect all that....Christ almighty....you should write a book on the subject
P : I already have ....in fact I've a copy with me inside my jacket pocket
B-J  : May I have it ?
P : You certainly can....but it will set you back £30
B-J : No problem....here's the money
P : That's very decent of you....
B-J : And as much as this puts an end to the hearing......I'm afraid your admission of guilt has shocked us to the core...and therefore I have no option but to impose a life ban
P : But we had a deal !
B-J : I lied.....so kindly bugger off....and never set foot on these premises again
        
 

AT LONG
LAST A
CHANCE
TO SEE
WHO BIGOT-
JOHNSON
REALLY IS
.......
.......
This is me , John Howard Gibson ,  just a few years ago when holding my grandson for the second time , as he lives unfortunately on the far side of the globe. Nearer to home .....about 500 yards away.... I have two gorgeous granddaughters who I see almost on a daily basis. I am a lucky man.
Born in 1948 in Grantham , Lincolnshire.....a place which was once voted the most boring English town....I had a happy but misspent childhood. Didn't achieve much at school and if the truth be known I didn't have that much success with girls either.
Nevertheless , through a work apprentice scheme I managed to do well on a business a studies course which thankfully opened up an opportunity to go to university. Seizing this with both hands I followed my girlfriend at the time to Sheffield to study law. Despite being a mature student I allowed my studies to take second place to a new and wonderful pastime.....BRIDGE.
Not surprisingly I ended up with a naff degree but an ability to play the game, and loads of happy memories.
Having got accustomed to term breaks and long holidays , teaching jobs naturally had a certain appeal. So further years of study were spent gaining a teaching certificate and a diploma in management studies , to aid my successfully application for a post at Chesterfield college of FE. Here I remained for 26 years before I took voluntary redundancy. As a dinosaur, maverick and cavalier my days at Chesterfield were always numbered once performance targets were introduced , along with all the required volumes of documented evidence. Bureaucracy gone mad !
Not long after starting work I married a wonderful woman called Pam, who I love as much today as I did 35 years ago. We had two children but fostered many others on a social services respite carer scheme. 
My achievements as a bridge player are nearly all at the club trophy level , except for the odd success at regional tournaments, which I occasionally attended. Around 2006 I took up the post as the club's newsletter editor, but the degree of apathy within the membership forced me to produce most of the articles. This resulted in all my alter egos chipping in with contributions turning a very factual newsletter into something far more bizarre and satirical.
Eventually the club committee couldn't stomach it anymore,  and censorship reared its ugly head. I resigned only to turn my attention and efforts to blogging, which I love doing immensely. There is a freedom in operating in cyber space where one's fantasies and imagination can run wild.
I regard myself as " very ordinary " and therefore riddled with faults and shortcomings, so often associated with men : lazy , impatient , inattentive , awkward, deceitful , selfish , lacking in empathy and single minded . On the plus side I regard myself as loving , loyal , reliable and inventive. I hate injustice and I constantly believe in compromise and reconciliation whenever disputes are on the agenda.


    
   
  

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BRIDGE PLAYERS ( OR SHOULD I SAY SHOCKING )...... Research by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber 

1.  49%  of bridge players under the age of 40 would prefer to give up sex for a week than  
     miss a night of bridge
2.  86 % of male players are resistant to taking any advice on how to improve their game
3.  97 % of players react badly to losing
4.  40 % of older male players have lost the ability ( or know how ) to undo bras
5.  66 % of all male players have lost the art of conversation unless of course the topic is
     about a bridge related matter
6.  Only 0.005 % of all bridge players can actually play the game with real skill and ability
7.  Of the 80% who cheat at bridge in one form or another , half remain oblivious to their 
     transgressions , while the rest hide from the truth through self-denial and/or self-
     delusion
8.  92% of the membership expect their club to give them everything , but they are not
     prepared in return to give anything back in return except for their paltry subscriptions
     and table monies
9.  Of the 5% who get actively involved in committee work, the vast majority vehemently   
     endorse the virtues of nepotism and despotism
10. 72 % of bridge players in England qualify for state pension 
11. For the unfortunate few, 96 % of the time at the table involves them waiting for others to
      figure out what to bid or which card to play next 
12. Despite the vast differences in ability,  99.9% of all long standing bridge players either
      view or define themselves as " experts "
13. During any review of a bad board 82% will always lay the blame firmly on their partners 
14. A typical club player places around 40,000 cards onto the table each year, of which  
      80% he/she will be aimlessly following suit 
15. 73 % of all rank and file members bid and play the cards out of force of habit as
      opposed to intuitive thinking
16. Ask a male bridge player about which is his " best hand " and around 99% will wax
      lyrical about a particular deal

AN ORIGINAL LIMERICK .....( by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )







There was a young lady from Gloucester
Whose mistake at the table did cost her 
Down went the slam
Her partner screamed " damn "
And out of the window he tossed her

REASONS WHY VARIOUS PLAYERS HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THE BENIGN BC ( USA ) IN RECENT MONTHS....... ( Research by Toxic Ted Bateman )  

1. Calling in a rent boy as a " ringer " for the team
2. Listening to loose table talk to notch up an 80 % score , contrary to his status as " being
     utterly useless at the game "
3.  Losing control of the trump suit , his temper and then his bladder midway through a 
     prestigious pairs competition
4.  Snitching to the ACBL regarding the committee's misuse of club funds with regards to
     the costly matter of issuing every member with a 1000 page document on " appropriate 
     conduct and best behaviour at bridge " 
5.  Discovering that the " professional " sponsored to make up the team was in fact a call girl
6.  Being seen at the bar purchasing an alcoholic drink when claiming to be a devout teetotaller 
7.  Emphasing the word " niggers " in a very loud voice to the shock and dismay of players in
     close proximity ( despite the fact the context of the discussion was a book review of an
     Agatha Christie novel )
8.  Being unmasked as a 4th generation descendant of the man who first introduced " finger
     signalling " to the game of bridge 
9.  Picking up a bridgemate without the permission of its registered keeper
10. Revealing to members a few hard truths about the committee's behind-the-scene 
      shenanigans 
11. Telling a few " porkies " to members about what the committee might be getting up to
12. Saying nothing at all to anyone, which this overly proud and self-righteous committee  
       viewed " unresponsive and unhelpful " :  behaviour obviously redefined as " conduct
       unbecoming of an ordinary member "

A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT THOUGHTS GO THROUGH A BRIDGE PLAYER'S MIND DURING AN AUCTION..........

( The other day I , Bigot-Johnson , was on a roll. For once Lady Luck was on my side and my partner and I spent the whole evening walking on water. Could anything go wrong ? Well....up came board 4 on which I picked up.... x....K109xxx....xxxxx....A......and as the auction proceeded these were the thoughts that raced through my head )

1S (by RHO) : .........Typical......yet another miserable collection of HCPs but at least my hand's got shape
Double :  I know it's naughty..... since we've got Michaels down on our system's cards.....but hey, this bid certainly doesn't give the opponents a clue about my shape.....or lack of HCPs....and what's more.... there's a 2 in 3 chance partner has a fit with me in the red suits. 
4S :  Bugger me.....I guess my frisky double didn't put them off one bloody jot.....if this gets passed out , I could still try an even friskier 4NT , but at this vulnerability it would be the act of a mad man. As for defence , it is possible for partner to turn up with the Ace of hearts.... giving us the first 4 tricks......club Ace, heart Ace, club ruff, and then the King of hearts as the setting trick. Ah well, there is some hope...
5C : Oh my God....I'm doomed.....this contract could be a total screw up , especially when I can only provide one certain trick.....THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BID LIKE A PRAT !! Somebody get me a brown paper bag to put over my head......
Pass : What a wimp  ......can't he see we're in a barrel load of trouble......surely , they must have the majority of points....and defensive tricks to boot.......I certainly daren't pull it and if 4S is making , then 6 off undoubled is still a reasonable score
Pass : Please God don't let my LHO double.....otherwise I'm in a right pickle as to what to do for the best......may be a SOS redouble is an option asking partner to bid her longest red suit....Jesus this is disaster about to happen.....and it's all down to me
Pass : What the hell is going on here.....have the opponents lost the plot ? Do they subscribe to the mantra not to compete to the 5-level ? Are they fearful of doubling, allowing us run to a superior red suit contract ?  Or they are gutless yellow-bellies ?       Who cares.........I'm pretty certain 4S is making......

With 5C the final contract , West opening lead was the K of spades , followed by the Ace. " What the hell was this magical thinking all about ?  Did he want declarer to use up the Ace of clubs as a ruff  thereby promoting a club honour ( or two ) if East held the queen ? "   I was witnessing a farce with absolute disbelief. After ruffing the second spade, partner crossed to her Ace of hearts and proceeded to rattle off her 8 club tricks. " Yes.....miracles do happen at the bridge table. " By now the defenders were completely shell shocked. So much so East came down to the jack of hearts and the Ace of diamonds , allowing declarer to take the last two tricks with dummy's K10 of hearts. This was the full hand :

Would you Adam and Eve it.....plus 620 .....and our good fortune didn't stop there either.......it carried on all night .
    

BIGOT MAKES HIS CONFESSION.......a nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson

( Racked with guilt Bigot-Johnson decides the time has come to make his confession to the local parish priest , and what follows is the transcript of this remarkable incident )

B-J : Father..... I need to redeem myself before I go.....
Father ( F) : That's alright ......just what sin do you want to confess ?
B-J : What sin !.......Listen father I talking dozens here......big ones.....whoppers ......sins I've committed almost every day of my adult life
F : Then start your confession my son......
B-J : Well first off there's my addiction to the pursuit of pleasure which has cost me my job, marriage and friends
F : The devil puts many temptations in front of us all
B-J : Then there's my constant desire to punish and exploit vulnerable people......especially the old and infirmed
F : Oh dear.....
B-J : Never a day has gone by without me resorting to cheating in my quest for fame, glory and money. Lying and deceiving people is what I set out to do......all the time...... without feeling any kind of regret or remorse whatsoever
F : I fear the devil has had a strong hold over you
B-J : And what's more I am a bully, who heaps scorn and abuse on those who are with me and against me. No one escapes the lashings of a my sharp tongue and cruel vitriolic insults. I am both intolerant and unforgiving......yet I come here asking forgiveness from you and the church
F : My God.....what sort of life have you led all the years ?
B-J : Nothing out of the ordinary.....I'm just your typical , everyday sort of bridge player
   

ANOTHER
SNIPPET
FROM
ONE OF
BIGOT-
JOHNSON'S
TRIALS
........
........
........
........
Judge : What you again, Bigot !  What in heaven's name are you being charged with now ?
B-J : Public nuisance of all things. Neighbours are claiming the Slaughter House Bridge Club is attracting the wrong sort of individuals into the area , alleging that what goes on inside my premises are the activities and practices of devil worshippers, sadists and lunatics . At top of that they complain about the disruptive use of road side parking by our members, the frequent and noisy disturbances caused by partnership altercations getting out of control, and the excessive number of dangerously large holes being dug all over the grounds.
Judge : Oh....
B-J : Indeed, what do they expect when I choose to set up an exclusive club for fun loving revellers in a quiet law abiding, church going residential district. Why one of them even alleged that my large front of property neon sign was an offensive eyesore, when it carried the message : " would all members please make their entry by the back passage ". 
Judge : Yes....yes.....but I see what they are coming from ......so I take it then Bigot .......you will be defending yourself as you have always done ?
B-J : Not this time your Honour.....I've called in Naomi Sanders right at the death.....she's a top class lawyer who specialises in getting guilty people off  
Judge : Well, I assume she has managed to look at your briefs ?
B-J : No...... not really.......the poor woman tried but the putrid smell overcame her.....I haven't got round to changing them in weeks.....       

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HUMPTY DUMPTY NURSERY RHYME WAS BASED ON AN ORIGINAL BRIDGE-RELATED POETIC MASTERPIECE....( A sensational discovery by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Yes , my unbelievable find now proves that long before Humpty Dumpty came onto the scene , Sir Francis Dashwood had put into print a masterful poem about a hapless and errant bridge player called Numpty Numpty. And so for your delight and pleasure,  I present you with this literary masterpiece, which against all the odds turned up at a car boot , sealed behind a framed picture of cavorting nudes , which no doubt was hung up on the main wall of the infamous Hell Fire Bridge Club. 

Numpty Numpty had reached the top table
But holding this position he was clearly unable
Panic set in and he made a bad call
The consequence of which was a terrible fall
His partner tried to stop the rot
But Numpty's confidence was totally shot
Attempts to help him were all in vain
He was too consumed with guilt and pain
With him rocketing down to table thirty
Partner's looks became black and dirty
As the great fall gathered more pace
Partner then punched him full in the face
Numpty of course crashed to the ground
His ego all terribly shattered
But players relentlessly carried on
Since nothing but bridge really mattered
So with Numpty in bits and tiny pieces 
At least two thousand and ten
Everyone thought " what's the point of trying
To put him back together again ? "




















  

HUMAN NATURE : SOME IRREFUTABLE TRUTHS.....( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Management committees are always on a hiding to nothing. Often they fall victim to ridicule and scorn. Other times they become the subject of criticism and abuse. But committee members , just like those who voted them in , are human......and therefore it comes as no surprise to see many of the laws relating to human nature now established as irrefutable truths.
So let's take a look at some of these laws , which both dictate and describe The Human Condition, and then perhaps you will begin to see committees in a much more sympathetic light.

1. Ruckert's Law : There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of all proportion
2. O'Brien's Law : Nothing is ever done for the right reasons
3. Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgement : Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups
4. The Snafu Equation : The bit of information most needed is least sought after
5. Seay's Law : Nothing ever comes out as planned
6. Rule of Courtroom Disputes : Truth varies
7. Law of the Lie : No matter how often the lie is shown to be false, there will remain a 
    percentage of people who believe it true
8. Borkowski's Law : You can't guard against the arbitrary
9. Levy's 9th Law :  Only God can make a random selection
10. Mckernan's Maxim : Those who are unable to learn from past mistakes are condemned 
     to repeat them
11. Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law : Two wrongs are only the beginning
12. Conway's Law : In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is 
     going on : eventually this person will be fired
13. Ferguson's Precept : A crisis is when you can't say " it will all blow away "
14. Evan's and Bjorn's Law : No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who
     knew it would
15. Sod's 2nd Law : Complex problems have simple, easy to find wrong answers
16. Drazen's Law of Restitution : The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional
     to the time it takes to do the damage
17. Hane's Law : There is no limit to how bad things can get
18. Law of Probable Dispersion : Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
19. Dude's Law of Duality : Of two possible events only the undesired one will occur
20. Rudin's Law : In a crisis situation , which forces people to consider alternative courses of 
       action , most people will choose the worst possible one

So yes.....to err is human 

BIGOT ON BIGOTRY : HOW TO BECOME THE ULTIMATE BIGOT

What the hell does Carp know about bigotry ! You have to be a master of your craft if you seek to be an authority on the subject. Moreover, if you want to be the consummate bigot then you need to follow my 15 point plan, which is outlined below :

1. Fill your mind with prejudices, hatred and a whole load negative beliefs
2. Adopt extreme opinions on a whole range of subjects which border on demonic insanity
3. Close your mind and eyes to any unpalatable truths that challenge your deeply held prejudices
4. Judge people purely on suspicion, superstition ,  rumours , propaganda , prejudice and bias
5. Religiously overstate , and stubbornly rely upon , any flimsy or irrelevant facts on which you eagerly feed your prejudices
6. Spend all your time in the company of like-minded bigots and grovelling sycophants 
7. Create your own speculative rumours about people you dislike, which will over time circuit their way back to you as irrefutable truths  
7. Make wild assumptions, and then carefully set about seeking and selecting pathetic scraps of evidence which tend to support them
8. Never answer awkward questions : learn to be evasive when put under close scrutiny
9. Always accuse your critics of being bigoted and intolerant
10. In an emergency fall back on biblical references to support your bigoted views
11. Become an ardent follower of  the extreme teachings of crazed fanatics
12. Target potential victims on the basis of some less publicised or more subjective factors 
( which might well allow your bigotry to go undetected )
13. Alternatively, target your victims even more indirectly by finding some activity or trait associated with them, and speak against the trait rather than the group
14. Best of all is to use the noble and most effective way to act upon your prejudice : a devious technique called extra inclusion. This works by going out of your way to treat several groups with a perception of acceptance and open-mindedness, while deliberately excluding any reference to your target group(s). The inference then taken from their exclusion speaks volumes about how you view them as worthless,  irrelevant and annoying.
15. Master the art of holding court making sure you have a large attentive audience for all your indoctrinating bile.

     

CARP ON BIGOTRY.............

In all walks of life one will encounter bigotry, and bridge clubs are no exceptions given the age profile, and the privileged and managerial background,  of its members. 
Bigotry is a wretched form of blindness. It is ignorance in action, and as E.H. Chapin astutely observed " it dwarfs the soul by shutting out the truth ". The blindfolds of intolerance and narrow mindedness are inevitably made from the strands of prejudice, woven tightly together to form a hard impenetrable material. 
Often the bigot conditions him/herself to be obstinately and zealously attracted to an opinion that no other rational thinking person  would ever entertain. They seize on anything or anybody in support of their prejudices, refusing to accept alternative views which are based on solid evidence and well established truths. " Bigotry tries to keep truth safe in its hands with a grip that kills it " ( Tagore Rabindranath ). Indeed , true bigotry is when people can't see the facts because their beliefs are blocking the way. 
Inside bridge clubs bigotry rears its ugly head with regards to " acceptable " partners, team selection, committee decisions , and the shenanigans of closely-knit cliques. Personality conflicts, clashing egos, petty politics and group in-fighting are all fuelled by prejudice and intolerance, creating a climate in which bigotry thrives. Yet quite bizarrely the bigots never accept or acknowledge that they are the bigots. In their eyes it those those who hold opposing or challenging views who are displaying prejudice and bias. In some cases bigots develop an uncanny ability to convince themselves that their bigotry is perfectly justified. To challenge such intolerant people can be dangerous, for when they are forced to drag out their dark convictions , they get terribly infuriated and angry. Therefore, it came as a shocking truth to Albert Einstein when he observed, with real sadness and regret , that " it is easier to smash an atom than a prejudice ".
        

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FULL OF GUSTO THEY'LL BLOW YOU AWAY....... ( Says  a windswept Pun )

• Hold On , You Can't Hesitate Like That And Pass................Chester Minnit
• After That Performance We Are As Good As Dead..............Midas Welby
• As Bottoms Go This Was Monstrous One............................Hugh B. Hind
• Partner You Need Something To Get Your Brain In Gear......Sarah Tonin
• I Don't Think He's Here For The Bridge................................Jason Pussey
• The Team I'm In Is Full Of Tosssers !.....................................Dick Hedz
• Pairing Those Two Together Would Be A Disaster...............Laura Lynn Hardy
• Making Lucrative Doubles Is What I Enjoy Most.....................Mortimer Liken 
• This Hand Really Got Me So Excited................................... Mike Oxhard 
• Partner, At Long Last You Are On Top Form .......................Ima Cumming-Goode

AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE ( ON GOD'S HONOUR ) STORY....... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

The other night I went to my club to enjoy an evening of aggregate scoring bridge.
My partner and I had an evening where we were fighting a constant rearguard action on tram tickets. Nevertheless, with hardly any ammo in our armoury we still managed to ruffle a few feathers , and scupper several of our opponents contracts. 
But then came a board which left us both open mouthed. Both the opponents picked up excellent hands making the bidding swift and easy. 1S-2D-2NT-4NT ( ? ) My LHO took the last bid as blackwood responding 5D. My partner , as he had done most of the night , passed. Then my LHO asked : " Is it possible to have my bid back ? ". A stunned silence ensued. My RHO thought for a few moments and leapt to 6S, which was passed out. 
I waited for my partner to comment on this truly remarkable manoeuvre to communicate the presence of two Aces ( not one ).  Don't you just love the marvel and ingenuity of unauthorised information ?
Needless to say, the contract was rigid with declarer making all thirteen tricks. Finally , I decided to ask my RHO why she directly went to 6S knowing for certain there was a missing Ace ! She turned towards me, and gently smiled : " I had the points ". Well , how could I argue with that ? 
And if anyone asks me why I believe the world of bridge to be bizarre, then the answer can be found in this story. Did she honestly act on her partner's 5D reply , fully prepared to bid 6S on hearing about one Ace , and 7S if she discovered two ? Or did she act dishonestly by using his extremely naive question to ascertain the presence of two Aces ( not one ), which meant that 6S could now be confidently bid ?.  
When they departed my partner and I exchanged looks of sheer bewilderment and awe at the absurdities that can unfold , when this truly great game is played by such weird and wonderful people . 


   

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

( This highly competitive and addictive game has often caused quiet mild mannered people to turn into dangerous psychopaths , as evidenced by the following bridge terms which all relate to those who have turned their thoughts towards revenge, violence and murder . ) 

Bad break : the injury caused to a player's arm or leg bone by an irate partner wielding a hammer
Progressive squeeze : Once an inept partner has been grabbed by the throat , it is the process by which one strangles the life out of him
Shooting : a popular pastime with members with a score to settle
Lead : the type of pellets most players like to have inside their shotgun cartridges , so as minmise the risk of missing their intended targets
Duck : an perfect target for a shotgun owner, especially when found in a sitting position  
Nasty split : what can happen to a player's skull when an irate partner buries a machete into it
Axe : a heavy, more effective alternative to the much lighter machete
Cut : the smallest of injuries one can suffer at the hands of a knife-wielding partner
Clubs : useful objects to carry on your person , ideally suited for knocking some sense into bonehead partners
Spades : handy implements to have around to help dispose of any lifeless bodies
Uppercut : the penetration of skin about the shoulders, neck or head
2 club opener : a quick softening up process before the real beating takes place
Small slam : what one should do to close a door in order to cause a substantial injury to partner,  who is known to be following close behind
Grand slam : the maximum force used to close a door in partner's face ,  as a way of showing just how pissed off you really are with his naff bids and inept play                    

BIGOT-JOHNSON DREAMS UP SEVERAL MORE NEW AWARDS

With members complaining that the annual prize-giving keeps on celebrating the achievements of the same old usual suspects ,  further pressure was put on Bigot-Johnson and his committee to think up a few more awards...............which would then give the riff raff a taste of glory and success.
Some of the awards chosen by the committee to be handed out this year are as follows :
- Magic Dragon Award for the biggest puff in the club
- Hairy Werewolf Award for the player who made the biggest howler
- Over Used Doormat Award for the player who everyone walks over 
- Heavy Duty Snuff Award for the member who loves to get up other people's noses
- Super Long Syringe Award for the member who has become the club's biggest prick 
- Farmyard Chicken Award for the most henpecked man from the list of ill-fated husband   
   and wife partnerships
- The Red Balloon Award for the player renown for being full of hot air  
- The Clear Glass Award for the numpty whose game everyone can see right through 
-  Humpty Dumpty Awards for all those members who constantly crack up and fall to pieces 

  

BIGOT-JOHNSON DESPAIRS WHEN ALL OF HIS STUDENTS FAIL TO MAKE THE GRADE !

Bigot-Johnson's had high hopes of turning some of his younger students into competent bridge players , but these hopes were completely dashed when his class of numpties failed one of his crucial tests.
For weeks Bigot had been preaching about the folly of missing the obvious by looking for the obscure. Missing the sensible bid by looking for a clever one. Missing out on the contract by looking for useless overtricks. Why do players spend an endless amount of time trying to solve a problem when the solution is staring them in right the face ? Why do players substitute magical thinking for reasoned analysis ?
And so to illustrate this point he gave his class the following problem . " I placed 6 eggs in a silver bowl. I asked six people to each take just one of the eggs . So how can it be that one egg still remained in the silver bowl ."
After 30 minutes of desperation and anxiety ,  the answer papers were collected in. Most were blank , while others offered half-baked or utterly implausible solutions. Bigot of course was not amused. Rounding on the students in no uncertain terms ,  he derided them as brainless imbeciles, who should seriously think about giving up the game. However , one young girl keen to know the answer bravely raised her hand. Bigot was quick to respond.
" Yes.....let me guess.....you want me to tell you the answer to the problem. Well....there is only one logical explanation which should have been blatantly obvious.....right from the word go. The last person to take an egg.... took it away in my silver bowl........the thieving bastard ! "  

  

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S INFAMOUS QUOTATIONS ON BRIDGE...........

-  A player who deliberates is lost
- Binning a cold contract is not a blunder , it's a crime
- For any person with a sensitive disposition who is thinking about taking up bridge ,
  I have one word of advice : DON'T
- Bridge stories more often than not are stranger than fiction
- Playing bog standard bridge is the art of achieving the possible : playing top class bridge
  is the art of achieving the impossible
- The secret to winning at bridge : not many people know that
- A dumb player is a person who views both the bidding and the play with an open mouth
- There are 3 kinds of unforgivable bids by opponents : a small system deviation , a major 
  system deviation , and then of course a filthy , low down bastard psych 
- In an ideal world players should be full of integrity , discretion , consideration and 
  warmth.....and if you can fake that then you've got my respect
- A self-proclaimed bridge expert loves a big audience when regaling his success stories 
  to others , but naturally he will never listen to others unless they are keen to talk about
  him
- The real tragedy of a poor player is the poverty of his/her aspirations 
- A top class player is distinguished from the throng of whinging , whining riff raff by his 
  tranquil consciousness of effortless superiority
- Asking me about what I think about partners is like asking a lamppost how it feels about
  dogs
- The first essential skill for a tournament player is to be a good butcher  
- There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an in-your-face , smart-arse 
  opponent failing to make a simple contract
   
   
  
  
  

COMMITTEE MATTERS AT THE SLAUGHTER BRIDGE CLUB...... ( a short extract from a taped transcript of a hush-hush, clandestine , behind-closed-doors , unreported meeting )

Secretary (S) : Bigot ....we just can't go on using the club grounds to dispose of ex-members. With so many of their friends and relatives asking lots of awkward questions about their sudden disappearance .....these freshly dug graves are a dead giveaway
B-J : Listen muppet head.....can you think of another effective way of getting rid of undesirable members........ without running the risk of being sued by them ?
S : The sad fact remains that we as a committee have dug ourselves a massive big hole. The club grounds resemble an over crowded cemetery. And the bottom line is this....we've no bloody funds left to make even the crudest of coffins.
B-J : How dare you.....I see these grounds as a permanent retirement park. In fact we should be marketing this bridge establishment as the most popular club in England , where  
people are dying to get in.....And as for these long wooden boxes you call coffins.....they are nothing more than compost containers
S : Is it not the case that we've got more members under the ground than above ?....Can't you see we've reached a dead end... in fact our only real option is to sell up and move to a larger site
B-J : Moving to a larger property would cost us a bomb. Anyway...it's a seller's market....and the competition out there is stiff. For me the final solution is simple.........we need to dig deep and then we can stack'em up
S : I've heard enough....I want nothing more to do with you Bigot.....for us it's the end of line.....you're on your own because I'm soddin' off
B-J : Over my dead body you are..... because like it or not you're in this mess right up to your neck....so you and I need to bury the hatchet.... unless of course you want me to bury the damn thing in your skull

NEWSFLASH :
A GRAVE
SITUATION
DEVELOPS
AS THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
GROUNDS
RUN OUT 
SPACE TO
DISPOSE OF
EX-MEMBERS
......

NOT LONG
AFTER
PHILIBERT
HAD BEEN
SENT  
OFF TO 
MEET  
HIS 
MAKER
......
......

" Chairman ......just how many more disciplinary hearings have we booked down for today ?......I'm afraid we've run out of 50p coins for the electric meter ! " 

A VERY NEARLY ALMOST TRUE STORY.......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Mr. Pott , known to some for his oh-so-sly peeking of opponents' cards , was at it again on a critical last board of a very closely fought intercity league match. With a small slam in spades a racing certainty given the early bidding in the auction , the match could now be won if a grand slam was bid and made. Everything depended on the trump suit behaving,  and breaking no worse than 4-1.
However it was  Mr. Kettle , his LHO opponent , who was up to the task of helping Mr. Pott in his quest. As the bidding entered the slam zone , he inadvertently exposed his hand ( for a fleeting second ) to reveal a 4 card trump suit headed by the 10. Naturally , the sly old peeker seized his opportunity to quickly glance across,   getting the good news he was desperately seeking. Seconds later the grand slam was confidently bid.
Unbeknown to Mr. Pott , his LHO opponent held all five of the missing trumps , but had cleverly concealed one in amongst his clubs. On winning the opening lead , declarer laid down the AKQJ of trumps claiming.....only to discover his RHO showing out on trick 2 ! Realising that a trump trick now had to be conceded,  he gave his Nemesis  the blackest of looks before exploding into an uncontrollable rage.
Placing his sweaty hands around his LHO's neck, he looked straight into Mr. Kettle's fear-stricken eyes , and screamed out a torrent of unwarranted abuse  : " You sir are as black as the devil.... a real nasty piece of work.....a despicable rotter... in fact any half decent club would take a mean , filthy , low-down cheating dog like you outside..... and shot ! "      

SHBC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 5613
( Philibert Pantopod , youngest nephew of Percy , was next up in the firing line having been forced to attend a military court style hearing , as the grand purge continued unabated.....)

B-J ( Chairman ) : Your name ?
PP : Philibert Pantopod
B-J : Your rank ?
PP : County master
B-J : And your soon-to-be expired membership number ?
PP : 4...2...7
B-J  : Well...Philibert....you have been charged on several counts of  " conduct unbecoming of a club member...."
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Many things ...like scratching your scrotum whilst fidgeting about in your chair.....for starters !
PP : Any others ?
B-J : Strumming the table top with your fingers as though you were playing an imaginary piano.....sniffing the seats of chairs vacated by young ladies.........and biting your finger nails when stressed
PP : Am I allowed to refute these outrageous charges ?
B-J : No....they've all been proven to be true
PP : Who by ?  .....And when ?
B-J : By seconded members who were instructed to perform carefully choreographed re-enactments of your crimes.......... when you weren't around of course 
PP : Am I allowed to say anything in my defence ? 
B-J : No
PP : What about in mitigation ?
B-J : No
PP : So I suppose now you're going to vote now on whether or not I'm guilty ?
B-J : No need to do that.....we decided well in advance what punishment we had in mind for you .....long before these charges were ever dreamed up
PP : Does that mean then I'm about to be suspended ?
B-J : Good God man.....are you blind or what ? Can't you see we've all been sitting here wearing little black caps on our heads !
PP : How could I ? ......This meeting has been conducted from start to finish in total darkness
B-J : Listen you muppet head .....we're saving on electricity
PP : Why's that ?
B-J : We need it all for the electric chair which is waiting for you downstairs . That damn thing can use up a week's supply in just one massive 10 second surge
PP : Yes , I see where you're coming from..... that does seem to make good sense
B-J : Well......I guess that's that......so can someone take this reprobate .......this total waste of space....downstairs......to administer his last rites 
PP : Can I make one last phone call ?
B-J : No....we trying to economise on that expense as well
PP : Oh...
B-J : And will you stop asking all these pointless and irrelevant questions.......it's time I buggered off.....the test match coverage is just about to start on Sky TV

" Well chairman .....I hope I wasn't being too presumptuous........but I thought it would save time if we got Philibert to sit in this chair from the off......." 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..... ( By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

When you take up bridge with passion and commitment , you will soon find......

- your family and friends drifting away
- no one wanting to spend any time with you
- what it is like to be isolated and alone
- your interest in politics , art and literature completely disappearing
- sex becoming a meaningless distraction , or a thing of the past
- how becoming an introverted and self-centred individual upsets so many people  
- your one-track mind focusing only on bridge
-  " cold turkey " pains racking your body when deprived of a game  
- nothing else in your life having any relevance or significance at all
- communication with others being restricted to other bridge addicts like you 

There are , of course , other advantages but these are the main ones .