WHEN PARTNERING A NUMPTY, A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGY IS NEEDED ........ ( An article by Bigot-Johnson )

Yes folks, if you want to improve your scores when partnering numpties, you need to apply a little bit of psychology here and there. In doing so, you will create those extra opportunities to ratchet up some decent scores......where bad ones were looming large. So for you all long suffering players who need an extra dimension to your game, then take on board every bit of advice from my very own Manual On Psychological Ploys To Get The Most Out Of Numpties.

1. If you have a partner who refuses to lead your suit against an opposition contract ( perhaps in defiance of your directional overcall ), then you must resort to a little bit of reverse psychology. Therefore, if you have a decent suit to overcall on, don't bid it. Overcall instead on the weakest of your other 3 suits. This way your weakest suit won't be led, and you have a 33% chance of getting partner to lead your strongest suit.....which is a big improvement on zero %.

2. If on the other hand partner is prone to overbid every time there is a competitive auction, this psychological ploy is a must. When it is your turn to bid, go into the tank, ponder for ages, fiff-faff over whether to pull out a bidding card or not, hesitate like a man who has a major problem over what to bid. Then pass ! Immediately, the opponents will call for a director's ruling which will forbid partner to make a bid. Mission accomplished.

3. Similarly, if partner is renown for under-bidding, a psychological ploy here is to imagine there's an extra Ace is in your hand......and bid accordingly. Open a no-trump on 8-10, or any suit at the one level using the rule of 15. Bid 2 over 1 with 5-6 points, and jump bid with anything better. These bids will no doubt elicit a pass from partner, but you might well end up in makeable contract, or at least make it difficult for the opponents to find theirs.

4. As declarer, your inept partner may have put you into some horrendous and unmakeable contracts. Now you must turn your psychological ploys onto your opponents. So if you are in a doomed contract, play it at speed like a man who knows it is coming in. Look confident and happy. By playing at a faster tempo, some opponents may follow your lead, giving them less time to find the obvious defence, and perhaps make errors to gift-wrap you the contract.

However, if by remote chance your partner has managed to put you into a safe makeable contract, then play like a man who has real problems, anxious, worried and moody. Play the contract at an extremely slow tempo, umming and arring as to what to do for the best ( despite having a clear plan of play in mind ). But best of all is the psychological damage inflicted upon your opponents. They will strive to spend a great deal of time and mental energy looking for a defence to beat the contract, where none exists. After slowly rolling the contract in, they will feel gutted, frustrated and upset, criming themselves for failing to find that killing defence. Their damaged states of mind makes them easy prey for the next hand(s) in this particular set.

5. When your numpty partner is guilty of an infraction, you must adopt a posture of someone who is a complete authority on the rules. Speak up immediately to tell the opponents their rights, like someone who is out to punish partner for his unholy and wicked transgressions. Try to bamboozle your opponents with your superior knowledge and feigned wisdom. Hopefully, they will relinquish their right to call a director, allowing you to give a ruling that is far less damaging than the one which would be highlighted by the TD. This psychological ploy might only succeed against less savvy opponents, but if it succeeds it is a wonderful exercise in damage limitation.

6. If the bumbledog opposite puts you into a ludicrous contract which then gets doubled for a mega-penalty and galactic bottom, redouble with with a sly confident smile and a smurk befitting of a poker player holding a royal flush. Your match point score can't get any lower.....and you never know, the other panic-stricken opponent might well pull it.

7. Playing with a numpty who doesn't understand your bids anyway, choose to make bids that keeps everyone in the dark. Since your partner is already there, attempt to put your opponents in the same boat. Although you might end up in some horrible contracts, so will your opponents. This psychological ploy is aimed at bamboozling two opponents for the price of one. Psyches, deviations, and bids well outside the system requirements must be regularly used.

8. If miracles do happen and partner starts to question or fault your bids, now is the time to be really assertive. The psychological ploy here is to make sure all excuses are turned back on partner, and/or the opponents. You must not allow partner to get too big for his boots. For you to have any chance of improving your scores, you must remain firmly in control. This way he is more likely to keep following your instructions, which then allows you to weave your magic.

9. In defence when you know that partner has all the key trick-taking cards, pretend by means of hesitations, agonised thinking, and worried looks that you hold them all. Get your hesitations in first before partner. Never play singletons in tempo, or in an automatic way : look as though you had chosen the card from 2 or more. Agonise over whether to cover the honour or not, especially when you have nothing to cover anything with. Use the psychological ploy of being in a semi-comatose, semi-delirious state of mind, which suggests to a TD that your actions were not deliberate. Use a ruse to conceal a ruse.

10. When desperate use the psychogical ploy of " going into your shell " and passing everything in sight, especially if your inept partner is more than likely to end up as declarer. Given that you may well miss game and slam contracts, this is no big deal since partner was never likely to reach the same number of tricks as anyone else. However, should these contracts end up being defeated, your partner may, with his 2NT opener opposite your 8+ points, scramble up 8 tricks...... to make his 2NT for a galactic top.

BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS OFF A MAJOR COUP......

As fate would have it Bigot was up against Percy Pantopod, and whoever triumphed on this last board was more than likely to take home the trophy. In no time at all Percy find himself as declarer in 6NT doubled, and this contract was coming in .....but only if Percy could bring in the spade suit without loss. Bigot of course was relying on his King of spades making ( over declarer's Ace )......well, he had bid the suit....... but the sight of AJ9 coming down in dummy was too much to bear. Bigot's holding of K102 looked very fragile indeed. Nevertheless, our intrepid hero recalled the infamous ( and quite subtle ) SUPERGLUE COUP. This is where a defender pulls out three cards together by mistake, but only two are exposed ( with one being stuck behind the other ). Because declarer only sees 2 cards, he quite rightly assumes that because they are adjacent in rank, the 3rd unexposed card has to be in the possession of the other defender. Armed with this false information, declarer may well be persuaded to take the finesse of this particular card at his peril.

However, Bigot did not have any glue upon his person, but clearly saw an opportunity to try a simple variation on this ruse. Having sorted his hand ( spades on the left ) he inadvertantly leaned forward allowing the unethical Percy to steal a glimpse of his holding, such was his tendency to do a little peeking. The first five cards he saw on the left were K3 of spades, J76 of hearts....... so Percy now knew what to do, since Bigot's partner held the 10542 of spades. From Q876, Percy carmly led the 6S, taking the trick in dummy with the jack. Back to hand, he then led the 7S, which brought out Bigot's King ( as expected ). This of course was taken by the Ace. All that was required now was a simple finesse of the 10, by leading the 9S from dummy up to his Q8. When Bigot's partner chose not to cover, Percy let it run.....only for Bigot to snatch the trick with the 10. Raucous laughter echoed around the room for several seconds.........and Percy, with no where to hide, simply slumped back in his seat a dejected and defeated man.

YET ANOTHER BRIDGE JOKE.........BUT THIS REALLY SUMS UP BRIDGE PLAYERS TO A TEE ( Says Bridgemeister Gibson )

Question : How many bridge players does it take to change a light bulb ?

Answer : Five

- The one who changes it....... but only after some considerable thought

- His partner who can only stare at him in complete bewilderment and confusion

- The opponent who asks the partner what he thinks the changer meant by his hesitation

- The other opponent who complains to the TD that the changer's hesitation carried unauthorised information that his decision must not be altered

- The TD who agrees that perhaps it was better all round to have the old bulb put back in

THE SAVAGE WORLD OF BIG BRIDGE............... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Sometime back in January I wrote a research paper entitled " Where does beastly behaviour in bridge come from ?". The gist of my report was to establish a causal connection between the behavioural characteristics of bridge players and lycanthropy. The theory that was put forward was that as soon as bridge players picked up their first hand, the process of transforming into beasts had already begun.

Well, the headline I used above was "lifted" from the very same one Marshall Smith used in his published 1957 article, when he first observed how the big league bridge players behaved at top ranking tournaments. He too noticed their savage, unforgiving, beastly behaviour, but he never make the lycanthropic connection. Neverthelesss, Marshall did manage to list the beastly characteristics often associated with the big tournament players of that era ( as listed below ):

- the all round conceit of a peacock

- the night habits of an owl

- the rapacity of a crocodile

- the sly inscrutability of a snake

- the memory of an elephant

- the wildness of a lion

- the endurance of a bull

- the killer instinct of a wolf

So as far as Marshall was concerned, the big tournaments were places where mere mortals and ordinary bridge players were well advised to stay away from. These deadly arenas were " inhabited by a handful of conceited, ruthless but gifted players ", who regarded the weak, meek and mild as "dog-meat ". Indeed, even the average plus players were nothing more than " kibitzing monkeys " to such stalking predators.

Maybe, I had overlooked an important correlation possibility, which might well link the severity of the beastly transformation with the high status ranking of the player. Clearly, more research into this topic is needed .......

WHAT ANOTHER 3 SPADES TICK BOTH DIRECTIONS !...... ( Bridgemeister Gibson reports )

Not so long ago I published a hand where 3S was bid and made in both directions, with little assistance from the defence. The gist of story was that a such an outcome was an absolute rarity......one which was more likely to be the product of a dream fantasy hand, rather than an actual deal. Well, let me tell you the very same experience happened to Bigot-Johnson, but only after falling victim to a cleverly rigged hand. In a local teams match against the Walnut Tre Allotment BC, the oppostion South opened a pre-emtive 3S on J10765432.....65432.....(void).....(void). His partner came down with a decent dummy hand of 9....J109.....Aq432....AKQx.

Bigot-Johnson sitting East doubled on his AKQ8....AKQ87....K....J109, which brought an end to the bidding. Sadly for Bigot, West could only lead a minor suit card, having a 0-0-7-6 distribution. This allowed dummy to play off 3 top clubs and the Ace of diamonds, providing South the opportunity to jettison 4 losing hearts. With the King of diamonds falling under the Ace, South played the established Queen of diamonds for Bigot to ruff, but the last losing heart disappeared. Now declarer could claim 5 spade winners, giving Bigot the other three. Contract made.....with one extremely unhappy bunny sulking profusely in the East corner.

On the other table Bigot's team-mates were involved in a completely different auction, with North the first to open with 1D. East bid 2 hearts (strong), which went round to North to make a re-opening double. East redoubled ......... only for West to panic and come to life with 3C. North walloped this, only for East to show his strength again by bidding 3S. Now South came to life by weilding his axe, and, as destiny would have it, 3S doubled also became the final contract.

The opening lead was a low spade, which East took dummy's 9 with the queen. Five heart tricks were played out in which South had to follow to all. Then Bigot's poor team-mate was forced to ruff the each of the minor suit cards led out by East. Effectively, he was end played in spades by having to lead away from J107 into East's AK8. Contract made.

So when Bigot-Johnson saw the double game swing going in favour of the opponents, players and spectators stood in awe at the screaming histrionics that immediately followed...........

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT TOOK SOME BEATING......... ( Claims Pun )

• Your Mistakes Partner Will Be The Death of Me.......Di Laffing
• Bridge Professionals Are On A Cushy Number.........Leif O'Riley
• When Does The Round End, Partner ?......................Wendy Bell-Goes
• My Bidding Was Perfect...........................................Shona Meehan
• What Is Your Partner Like ?....................................Ariel Pratt
• Gorge Yourself On Bridge........................................Laurel Kenyon
• Collecting Big Name Scalps Is Easy..........................Sean Head
• Partner, This Is My Final Bit Of Advice....................Bea A. Goodboy
• There's Too Much Of This Going On In Bridge..........Constance Sniping
• Partner, It's wrong To Bully.....................................Howard U. Lyket

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : JOKUS PATHETICA

This condition is so prevalent, it is a near certainty that there are victims with this disorder in each and every bridge club worldwide. What is worse is that the rest of bridge playing community has to suffer their pathetic attempts to be funny. Much of their banter involves " sniping " and "insulting " all and sundry, using sarcastic quips and questions to belittle and berate those targeted as soft listeners, or cannon fodder. This affliction, which is both an alarming and disturbing form of OCD, drives them relentlessly on to become jokers in the pack. They foolishly, and mistakenly, see themselves as witty and amusing, but to all those who know them, they are regarded as annoying prats......whose comments are tasteless, tactless, very often rude....but always incredibly unfunny.

The failure of others to point out that their crass, insensitive, and inappropriate remarks are not wanted or well received, only exacerbates their condition, and their determination to try harder. However, victims remain oblivious to the fact that they have become pariahs within their own clubs. Nothing seems to stop them, even when they receive threats of having of " having their words shoved right back down their miserable throats ". Even when comments are made about their rude remarks, they quickly defend themselves by saying " I only meant it as a joke ". For them to describe their banter as "humorous" is the joke, in that victims of jokus pathetica have no comic talent whatsoever. Sadly, nothing can be done for them to either alleviate their symptoms, or find a cure. Isolating such menaces is the only way club members can hope to obtain any respite from such irritating banter. Indeed, many clubs have invested large sums of money in converting cellars into short-stay detention cells.

BRIDGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE......... ( A true story as told to Bridgemeister Gibson )

We have all encountered incidents at the bridge tables, which can only be described as bizarre. This story was given to me by Ian Grant, where he had the rare privilege of witnessing the following auction :

E...... S..... W...... N

1C..... p.... 1S..... 2H

1NT... p..... p....... p

No one at the table batted an eyelid, and play continued as normal. When North came to score the hand ( 1NT - 1 ) she said " You know...I think I might have made two hearts ...." No other comments were made. Now is that surreal or what ?

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY....................

• Congress : an act of union between two romantically inclined partners
• Top : a term usually referring to what you would like to do to a player who gets on your nerves
• Bottom : a synonym for "arse", being that useless and annoying type of member, who always ends up sitting on bridge club committees
• Nasty split : what a sponsor deservedly gets from the spoils of a prize-winning team performance. For instance, three hired professionals might walk away with say $4980 of the $5000 prize money, leaving the fat cat sponsor with $20 to pay for their taxi back to the hotel.
• Love all : an attitude never to be seen in any bridge club, anywhere in the world. This is the result of warring factions within the club memberships, where jealousy, resentment,and loathing of others constantly undermine all attempts to bring about a positive culture change.
• Bridgemate : another non-existent concept in that no such thing could ever materialize between two players, who hope to become "best friends "......... but make the fatal mistake of partnering each other
• Jargon : a term often used by bridge player, when euphemistically referring to a "thieving bastard", who has walked off with his pint of beer

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG......................

Dear Rebecca,

Is it good for my mental state of health reading this utterly insane blog called Howard Bigot-Johnson's Bizarrebridgeworld.

Yours teetering on the edge, Cliff

Dear Cliff,

The blog that you refer to does the same thing in a literary ( or illiterary ) form, as Dr. John does, for example, in his truly wonderful Case Notes..........and that is to point up some of the absurdities of bridge players through the medium of satire. In this bizarre bridge world of ours, where things get truly ridiculous at times, enjoying satire becomes an essential requirement for our mental health. It takes a little of the air out of the people we dislike, who with their big inflated egos take themselves far too seriously. Obviously, people like that deserve to be brought back down to earth. It also gives the rest of us a jolly good laugh at their expense.

HBJ's blog is an example of pure and honest satire, written brilliantly by a team of frustrated authors, who want their names to be known and mentioned by millions. They crave for fame and recognition of their talents ........as do I.......and so I cannot praise their combined efforts enough.

In closing, let us all remember that someone once said " Laughter is the best medicine. " As bridge players, we have to endure week after week, the overwhelming misery of poor results and sitting down with players that make our skin crawl. So please regard this blog as a life-saver, which will restore your sanity and personal well-being.

Yours reassuringly Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM UP AND COMING NEW AUTHORS................... ( Research by Pun )

• Impulsive Bidding..................................................Ed Strong
• I'm An Irish International, You Know.......................Toby Shaw
• Partner Says He's Really Out To Kill Me................Willie Makepeace
• Your Bidding System Has A Minor Flaw.................Bess Patchett
• Why Do Players Think I'm A Woman......................Ray Chell
• I Can't Hold Up Any Longer, Partner.......................Issac Cumming
• Bridge Scandals : All Is Revealed...........................Ula Larr
• I Much Prefer Playing Bridge On The Net................Ima Holme-Byrd
• Glossing Over Mistakes.........................................Alec A. Paint
• I Can Only Think Clearly 50% Of The Time..............Arthur Brane

LAW REPORT : RE BIGOT-JOHNSON ( SHEFFIELD MENTAL HEALTH TRIBUNAL ) 2010

In this landmark case, which had serious implications for all bridge players worldwide, Bigot-Johnson had to establish that just because he played bridge that this alone was insufficient evidence to label him as insane. Having already been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, he had taken his final appeal to the High Court to secure his release from detention. A transcript of the trial appears below, with Bigot of course conducting his own defence.

Counsel ( For MH Authority ) : I put it to you your honour that this man.....Howard Bigot-Johnson.....is insane. His behaviour at the bridge table is far outside the norms of sane, rational and responsible behaviour. Therefore, only one conclusion can be drawn....he's completely " off his head ".....a term which is not uncommon when it comes to describing bridge players in general.

B-J : I refute that accusation.....Of course, bridge is a game that drives me mad.....but I am not insane. And if any Tom, Dick or Harry accuses me of such, I have an army of potato people who will coming knocking on their door at night...... to seek revenge on my behalf.

Counsel : Please....can we get down to the facts of this case. You Bigot have been sectioned because three independent psychiatric doctors believed the game had completely altered your mind.

B-J : Hold on a minute.....insanity is a relative thing........why I bet you eat from the same hand you use for wiping your bottom. How insane is that ? And what about all those people who believe that because they vote in politicians, they therefore live in a democracy. That's not ignorance.... that's insanity !

Counsel : I will ignore those remarks with the contempt they deserve.....you, Bigot, have all the classic symptoms of an insane person. So please allow me to outline them in detail for the your benefit...and the court's.

1. Outside bridge you cannot cope or function in the real world. You have lost all interest and awareness of your surroundings. You have become totally incapable of performing the simplest routine tasks, because your mind is so full of bridge-related thoughts. Indeed, it is only when you hear the noise of cards being shuffled that to come back to life as a functioning human being.

2. You spend all your active hours in club houses, which are full of people similar to yourself. Such places, with all the screaming and yelling that goes on, the antics, the pantomime, the histrionics and Alice-in-Wonderland carry-ons, are nothing more than unregistered mad houses or lunatic asylums. Indeed, from my prospective, they come across as holding centres for society's misfits, and people with acute mental disorders, not to mention a large body of elderly people suffering from all kinds of dementia. You Bigot , once inside these places, behave in such an animated way, you perceive yourself to be a predatory beast .....one of your more extreme and disturbing delusions. Moreover, when things go wrong at the table, you completely " lose it "......and by that..... we mean your mind and, of course, your sanity.

3. You have on countless occasions screamed hysterically at partners, opponents and TDs alike, often frothing at the mouth and gesticulating in a random and odd-ball way. Your paranoia causes you to rant on like someone cursed with acute persecution complexes, claiming dark forces are working against you.....and that you are the repeated victim of wicked and evil conspiracies.

4. You have without doubt completely lost your sense of self, along with your true identity. Is not the case that you believe yourself to be a top class bridge player, an unrecognised genius, the creator of a blog that people like....possibly want to read ? How misguided is that ! You dress up like an ancient french mariner sporting that ludicrous moustache... yet you claim to be sane.....heavens above, your mind is as scrambled as the eggs I have for breakfast each morning. And oh yes...that annoying intermittent twitch of yours really says it all.

5. Moreover, in the company of others outside these clubs, your conversation only involves reciting endless monologues in a language that barely resembles English.....meaningless, convoluted, technical analysis stuff that is riddled with bridge gobbledigook.

So, I put it to Bigot that the evidence is both overwhelming and irrefutable. You are insane, and so are all the others who have allowed bridge to take over their lives and destroy their minds....... Do you not agree that view, your Honour.

Judge : Indeed, I do......Bigot-Johnson, your appeal has failed. Clearly, you are in need of some urgent and extreme treatment, before we can consider any subsequent appeal to let you back into society. Now, is there anything you now wish to say ?

B-J : Bugger.....

BIZARRE BRIDGE WORLD REACHES ANOTHER MILESTONE... ( A few words from Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Yes folks, this is our 400th post as we approach the 8th month mark. And as bridge blogs go we, the editorial team, are flabbergasted at our initial success. Every day several new locations sites are being registered, with people's curiosity no doubt getting the better of them. However, we still haven't got a bloody clue just how many of our first-time visitors stay on to become regular readers.

One of our major gripes is that many of our articles are designed to provoke responses, even if there are only from shocked and outraged readers. But hey ho, we figure that very few people want to converse with a bunch of complete non-entities and mentally disturbed misfits.

Anyway, the team intends to plough on determined to win over the hearts and minds of the growing bridge blog reading community. We aim to make this blog the most popular one going, despite our lack of celebrity status. Yes, the team accepts we can't compete with some truly great bloggers, who produce excellent stuff on news items about the real bridge world, its big players, its big stage events, not to mention those big interest hands that offer so much in terms of fascinating analysis and debate. No, we are here to look at the bridge world from another perspective.....to expose its bizarre side with a dollop of dark humour mixed and a bit of the light-hearted stuff. We are in essence here for the rank and file bridge players......... people who are not really interested in technical stuff and up-to-date news, but people who have an unusual passion for something completely different. The fact that they enjoy reading the drivel churned out in abundance in Howard Bigot-Johnson's " Bizarre World of Bridge " must surely be down to one thing. There's something wrong with them.

THE FLYING BRIDGEMATE SAGA.....BIGOT RECALLS HIS STORY

Having just read Carp's story of the errant pilot who got expelled from his club, I can only reflect back on my own experience when I found myself "jettisoned" in the same way......but as luck with have it, I did manage to get re-instated on a wing and a prayer......as the following transcript my court appeal will explain.

BIGOT-JOHNSON v. OFFICERS OF THE BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE (2001)

Judge : Now let me get this straight....You were dismissed from your club because you took off one of your socks and wafted it under the nose of Percy Pantopod ?

B-J : Yes....

Judge : And this, I believe, was in response to an earlier remark you made to this person, that if he didn't stop his sniping you would "put a sock in it "......which presume was his offending mouth ?

B-J : Correct...

Judge : At this point Percy stood up alleging all sorts of things, which ultimately led him and his partner to submit written complaints that your behaviour was tantamount to an assault.....being an offensive and aggressive act.

B-J : That's about the gist of it....But what's worse..... is that they confiscated my sock as evidence !

Judge : And having a rather dubious reputation, the club committee, or should I say its officers, seized upon this god sent opportunity to sock it to you good and proper by issuing a life-long ban.

B-J : ( sobbing )...Yes...your honour....they stitched me up alright.....but darn it, I know my rights. Those joeys over there jumped to so many incorrect conclusions.......such was blatant nature of their kangaroo court !

Judge : So what you are saying.....please correct me if I'm wrong ........ is that not only were there insufficient grounds on which to impose the ultimate punishment, but the process by which they arrived at their decision was flawed.

B-J : Exactly

Judge : But you don't deny your actions did amount to inappropriate behaviour, possibly misconduct, that was petty, childish and petulant.

B-J : A tad over-the-top perhaps....a little rash,maybe.......but hey it achieved the desired effect

Judge : Well, it's not the sort of thing I would do......

B-J : But you have never come across the likes of Percy....

Judge : How smelly was the sock ?

B-J : Possibly the item in question was a tad offensive.....well, I do have problems with my feet

Judge : Did you intend to use it as a lethal weapon to inflict actual bodily harm ?

B-J : Absolutely not....

Judge : So I presume you wafted this sock under his nose purely as a theatrical statement to tell this Percy to button his mouth.

B-J : Yes...

Judge : Well, if that is the case, I cannot come to any other conclusion that the committee officers have failed to deliver an appropriate punishment to a rather petty and inappropriate act. As I result I am going to issue a mandatory order to have you re-instated as a member, along with damages of £3.70 to purchase a replacement pair of socks.

B-J : I love you, your honour. For once in my life I've actually won something...and I can't wait to hear what Percy will say........when he hears about this...

Judge : Well, what will he say ?

B-J : " Bugger "

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE BIG BOYS.......... ( Or so says Pun )

• If Your Team Is Crap, Sign Up For The Opponents......Rene Gade
• My Partner Claims I Do Too Much Jumping................Jack Flash
• Some Men Find Better Things To Do Than Bridge.......Fanny Hunting
• I Was Once A Big Name In Bridge................................Fallon Idle
• So Who's Been Sitting In My Seat ?...............................Goldie Locks
• I'm Best Qualified To Take Over As Captain..................Lou Tennant
• I Hate Players Who Like To Crow.................................Jack Dawes
• I'm A Bridge Nobody...................................................John Doe
• I Like To Come From Behind.......................................Anna Lee Driven
• Hitting Your Opponents Broadside On.........................Rev. Canon Ball

THE FLYING BRIDGEMATE............( Following-up article by Carp )

A short while ago I posted an article ( March 1st ) entitled " So what gets under your nose then ? ", which told the story of " a flying bridgemate ". The pilot in control unfortunately swept it right under the nose of a player who was never going to be amused by such theatre. These two characters had, as it turns out, a long history of encounters which often led onto complaints and counter-complaints about each other. Not surprisingly, the aeronautical demonstration was interpreted as a threatening and intimidating act, and consequently a formal complaint was lodged.

Well, the outcome of all this.....would you believe.....was the that pilot received a life ban from the club ! Despite the complete lack of evidence that the flight path was intended to commit an assault, it was regarded within the context of the kangaroo court as " offensive and aggressive " behaviour. However, the reality behind the flight path chosen ( a crucial piece of evidence that was never sought after or investigated ) was.... to show the keeper of the bridgemate that if others were to see the score, then the object in question needed to be moved into a more accessible position. Sadly, for the errant pilot, who had a habit of causing alarm by flying into all sorts of forbidden zones, this was going to be his last skirmish.

So my advice to all you budding pilots of the bridge world is as follows:

1. Never take control of a bridgemate if you are not the registered keeper

2. If you do feel compelled to move the bridgemate ( because the keeper insists on keeping it close to his/her chest ) then you must only move it across the surface of the table very slowly, gently turning it around for you or your partner to read the display

3. At no point must you lift the bridgemate off the table pretending that the object is an aircraft, which can swoop and dive as it arcs round the table for all to get a close up view

Because remember, should you fail to heed this advice, then not only will your pilot's licence be taken away from you, but you might end up being jet-tisoned from your club.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : MYOPIC ASPOTMATISM

This disorder is most unusual in that it owes its existence to damage or defects in area of the brain, which processes the images our vision records. Neurological abnormalities cause victims of this disorder not to spot the things they ought to be registering, almost as if they have blind spots within their range of vision. In the case of bridge players, who represent a disproportionately high frequency group within the population of sufferers, they experience a great difficulty and/or inability to spot the spots on the spot cards. Not only do they mix up clubs with spades, and hearts with diamonds, they fail to distinguish high spot cards from a low ones. For them all spot cards might as well be blank.

Acute sufferers have been known to make an opening 3 level pre-empt in spades say, when holding only 4 cards in that suit. Inevitably, they failed to spot that the three other spot cards in amongst their spade holding were, in actual fact, clubs. Their inability to separate from one black suit from another has nothing to do with poor or blurred vision. It is just a simple case of the brain failing to register and locate these cards properly as they are being sorted. These blind spots are a classic symptom of myopic aspotmatism. Revokes are also commonplace, with victims failing to follow suit even when they have 3 or4 cards in that suit to pick from. They can see these cards, but the brain does not record or register the visual information that comes its way. One client of mine complained of making 4 revokes in the same hand giving her opponents an eight trick adjustment, on top of their two hearts tick part-score !!

However sufferers, who fail to register the precise number of spots on their spot-cards, have be known to develop the very embarrassing tendency to play for example their 4's and 2's, under the opponents' 5's and 3's ........despite having the 7's, 8's and 9's in their hand. Indeed, this incurable affliction causes the unfortunate victims to record scores rarely exceeding 35%. Thankfully, mild symptoms only result in players failing to realize their one remaining spot card is higher than any held by their opponents .......... and in cases where they are being squeezed they are utterly unaware of what spot cards have been played, or which are still outstanding. People with this disorder should, in all fairness to other players, never be allowed to play bridge.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............................

• Blank : what a player's mind usually becomes, prior to a decision over a critical bid, or play of a card
• Equals : a concept that is never applied to a bridge partnership, especially when each player believes that he/she is by far the better or stronger half
• DEPO : an acronym which stands for " Don't Ever Push Opponents " out of a doomed contract, or into one which is a makeable game
• Bermuda bowl: like the Bermuda Triangle, this relates to a phenomenon which causes a player's logic and reasoning to completely disappear off the face of the earth. Indeed , the skull which once served as a container for an active brain has suddenly become an empty bowl..............and no one as yet has provided any plausible explanation as to why this has happened
• Extra trick : the term given to an "add on" bonus a wealthy male sponsor might expect to get from a pro, who has received a rather large up-front payment for her services
• Crack : this has two possible meanings : (i) a substance cheating players resort to using when desperate to move up to a higher position , or (ii) the piercing and ear-splitting sound that comes from hitting your brittle-boned partner with excessive force
• Exit : the name given to the glass door your irate team captain throws you through head first, after handing over the most horrendous score-card ever

CAN WOMEN PLAY BRIDGE ? : MORE INSIGHTS FROM PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI

Not so long ago I wrote an article which listed possible reasons why women failed to achieve the same as men. In other words, when it comes any profiling of the upper echelons of top class players, one can only find a small minority of women. But does this statistic provide enough evidence to support the generalised view that women are not as good at bridge as men ?

Some researchers started out on the assumption that there are innate differences between men and women with respect to the various skills needed to play bridge at the highest levels. Indeed, they expected to find the intelligence distribution curves of men to have a bigger variance, especially at the top end. This might help to explain why men have that crucial edge to go that extra distance to be world class players . But remarkably, it was the women who had the higher variances at the top end !

Then researchers turned to theories concerning participation and drop-out rates, expecting to find that more men participated in the game of bridge than women, and that a greater proportion of women dropped out, rather than continuing with their development towards grand master status. However, findings not only showed that men and women play the game in equal numbers, but the drop-out rates are almost identical. Indeed, what came across as even more surprising was the fact that where the participation rates of men and women were the same , the disparity in ability was non-existent.

So what theories are left to help explain why women fail to achieve the same level of success as men ? Well, here are a few more suggestions that have been tentatively put forward :

1. Men are more naturally inclined to have that essential ability to focus on a single task at any given moment in time, while women are more naturally inclined to multi-task. This makes it easier for men to achieve the level of intense concentration required to excel at the highest levels at the game. In contrast, it is claimed that women have to use up a great deal of effort, merely to drive other thoughts out of their minds, before settling down to focus on the task in hand.

2. Any development of a potentially good player into a top class one requires team support. This means being groomed by experts who can help a person master every aspect of the game. These experts are usually teams.....teams of grandmasters......who of course are nearly all men. Sadly, very few women are afforded these opportunities, which is why some researchers claim results from sexism within the system early on. An obvious parallel can be seen in schools, where only the boys are advised, encouraged and invited to pursue maths and the sciences at post 16+ levels.

3. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The differences are huge, and therefore it is no surprise to see men taking to bridge in a passionate and obsessive way, while women use the game for social contact and afternoon relaxation. Clearly, women are influenced by a different set of social pressures, biological drives, and emotional needs. Men, right from being boys, have a greater sense of competitiveness, and a fierce desire to win. Blue-printed into them from birth are macho-male psyches, superiority complexes, and male chauvinistic attitudes.

4. Some researchers have proved that women don't expect to be as proficient as men at sport, whether they be physical activities or mind games. This of course becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, which perpetuates this negative and collective belief. Once this expectation becomes deeply ingrained into the woman's psyche, then there is little hope for any grass roots female bridge player to believe in herself as being able to " match men ". Women it seems put up their own mental barriers, which undermine their determination and belief to succeed. Many feel they "it's their place " to be excluded from the male dominated elites that exist in every bridge club across the world. It is therefore not surprising that where barriers are perceived, the continued status quo of a male dominated bridge world remains intact. This of course only serves to propagate the gender separation for the next wave of young female players coming through.

5. As for myself, I believe that men like war but women don't. Men see bridge as a battlefield, a combat zone where no prisoners are taken. They get a real adrenalin fix and buzz from crushing and humiliating opponents.There is the hunting and predatory beast in man, which women find hard to understand let alone emulate. In top class bridge the intensity of the battle is both gruelling and demanding, where mistakes can lead to court- martials and firing squads. Very sensibly, most women would not willingly choose to enter this type of bloody conflict, leaving it just for the men to fight amongst themselves.

Will things ever be different in the world of bridge. I don't think so....

BIGOT INVOKES WRATH OF COMMITTEE : BC DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No. 86

( Following Bigot-Johnson's surprise win in the Chairman's Pairs, it came to the committee's attention of a carding irregularity on his last board. Apparently, Bigot was the only one in the room to defeat to defeat a grand slam in spades, and it was this unbelievable result which edged him into top spot. The unfortunate declarer allowed Bigot to make a trick with the 7 of hearts courtesy of an invoke.....which was not detected at the time. )

Chairman : I'm afraid Bigot you've got some explaining to do.....

B-J : How come ?

Chairman : According to the hand records, it was not possible for you to take a trick in hearts with the 7 , thereby defeating the grand slam in spades, because.....

B-J : But I did...

Chairman : Please allow me to finish......because dummy was correctly dealt with the 7 of hearts. Your 7 did not belong to that board, being 14th card to be played in that suit. In other words you won a trick by virtue of an invoke. Unlike a revoke, this kind of irregularity involves following a suit when supposedly it is impossible to do so.

B-J : Ah...ah.....well, even if that is the case there are no prescribed penalties....so the result must still stand. Anyway. if an idiot of a declarer cannot be bothered to count the cards, then he deserves to go down !

Chairman : But he did.....but then he doubted his own memory, after watching you following suit to each round of hearts played. So what we want to know Bigot is firstly, how come you didn't notice that two sevens were in play......and secondly, where did your seven come from ?

B-J : Of course I spotted the duplication, but I had no idea at that time there was an extra heart floating around in this pack. Why should I ? And as to where it came from ...well, it turned up with the other 12.

Chairman : I'm not convinced. You Bigot have a track record of selling your soul to the devil, if it means securing some prized or coveted silverware. You are an unscrupulous rogue. But on this occasion, your highly dubious and unethical practices have not succeeded. The revised score on this board is 7S tick, which means you and your partner must hand over the trophy to the newly declared winners, Percy Pantopod and Ivor Inky Pinky............and to add insult to injury, you are barred from entering this event for the next five years. Have you anything to say ?

B-J : Bugger...........