BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH WENT DOWN WELL WITH THE DAMNED...... ( Which obviously included Pun )

• My Partner Made A Grand Slam On A Combined 6 Count.........Didi L. Aslike
• To Score 69 And Not Come First Is A Tragedy...........................Ima Hornblower
• I Always Telling Partner The Error Of His Ways..........................R. Pinnon
• In A Fight My Partner Really Knows How To Handle Himself......Andy Ladd
• How To Improve Your Defence Beyond Recognition...................Bill Derfort
• That Match Proved To Be A Bloody Nightmare, Partner..............Gladys Ova
• That Player Is A Loutish , Uncouth Loud Mouth...........................Larry Kinn
• I Always Smell Blood When Rabbits Come To My Table.............Fifi Fofum
• She's A Good Bet To Win This Trophy.........................................Eve N. Monet 
• My Partner Hasn't Changed In Years...........................................Stella Pratt

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE DESPERATE AND NEEDY..... ( As recommended by Pun )

• Shocking Low Attendances At Bridge Club AGMs..................Rosa M.T. Seetes
• Chairman's AGM Reports Make Me Want to Cry....................Fuller Crapp
• If You Believe In Justice Then Do The Right Thing.................May Kay Stand
• The Shenanigans That Committees Get Up To ......................Lotta Mullarkey
• What ! You've Got A Bone To Pick With Me ?.........................Candice Waite
• Partner, Please Don't Hit Me With That Bridgemate................Bruce E. Salley
• It'll Be Your Funeral If You Do That Again................................Aretha Holly
• I Hate Cheats Who Tune In To Loose Table Talk.....................Ann Tenner
• Did You See Him Peeking At My Cards ?.................................Morty Fyde
• Peeking At Opponents' Cards Is A Despicable Act...................Misty Meener
• The Things Some Players Will Resort To.................................Yves Droppin
• Partner , It Looks As Though You Have A Problem..................Watson Yermind
• My Partner Has Really Gone Completely Gaga........................Drew Ling-Badleigh
• I Need Something To Carry Off All My Trophies.......................Will Barrow
• My Partner Refuses To Keep To The System...........................Cy King

EVEN MORE SHENANIGANS AND SHENANIGANS BC.....

Bigot-Johnson was really into his stride having secured as second year in office as Chairman of club's committee. In keeping with the initiatives introduced at the Slaughter House , Bigot was keen to unleash the following Charter on this new bunch of innocent, unsuspecting members, simply to bolster the already draconian Constitution recently implemented  at an  unscheduled , unreported, clandestine committee meeting. The primary aim of the new Charter was to safeguard the privileges and rights bestowed upon the chosen few , as currently laid down in the club's deviously drafted Constitution.
Some of the terms listed in this amazing document can be seen below :

This Charter is hereby ordained by a special resolution passed without opposition on the back of sack loads of proxy votes , as requested by Bigot-Johnson's call-to-arms. Designed to set up a framework of regulations, this document will allow the committee to crack down heavily on errant members, who in bad faith or without word of warning seek to expose perceived abuses of power by voicing their unwanted criticisms and concerns . 
The provisions of the Charter are as follows :
1. A new sub-committee shall be established to undertake surveillance , intelligence and covert operations , referred to as SICO , but only by those who are in the know. This group will be fully independent, financed by the club's newly created secret slush fund, having complete anonymity along with an open cheque book. These group of carefully selected and highly motivated people will bug , listen into , intercept and report on any and all communication, oral, written and electronic , which ordinary club members foolishly choose to get involved in, especially the type of tittle-tattle which relates to , directly or indirectly , the activities undertaken or intended by the committee or individuals who serve upon it.
2. The sub-committee will be entitled to wield the proverbial sword on any irresponsible member who dares to publicise or broadcast derogatory or injurious comments about the committee , using such words as " biased  , corruptible , money grabbing , covert , secretive ,  untrustworthy , despotic , nepotistic , Stalinist , and  fascist ".  Unsavoury words about the Chairman must never be used , such as " tosspot , fool and buffoon "  at any time within the perceived 30 year period Bigot-Johnson intends stay on as chairman. 
3. The sub-committee will rein in any and all members who are responsible for bad mouthing the committee or its officers, including those who are responsible for passing on illicit or damaging information onto newsletter , blog or local newspaper editors,  which  attempt to expose (a) the perceived abuses of power or ( b ) additional rights and privileges the committee may wish to bestow upon themselves. These reprobates will be subjected to a brutal and ruthlessly administered disciplinary process , which under the existing Constitution is exempt from (a) acting in good faith and (b) adhering to rules of natural justice.
4. The sub-committee shall also have the power to deal with any ordinary member whose actions or words cause unnecessary distress , pain or suffering to members or officers on the committee. Although power in invested in SICO requires intrusion into the private lives of the club members , the reverse of this situation is absolutely forbidden.  The dirty laundry , skeletons in the closet , dark secrets , and never-ending scandals linked to committee members must never be brought out into the open , since the committee must be allowed to get on with its work , without fear or worry of unwanted interference , investigations, recriminations and rebellion from within. 

5 -100 (  Secret and highly confidential )

In conclusion , this Charter will enhance the prospects of the committee to fulfil its aims in ridding the club , in accordance with the rules and regulations of the Constitution ,  of all troublemakers, undesirables , reprobates, pantopods , and unpleasant riff raff , on any whim or pretext whatsoever., in order to promote and enhance absolute loyalty and obedience from its compliant down trodden members. 

    
  

JOHNNY EXPLAINS.............

During a post match discussion one team player desperately tried to defend an accusation that " she butchered the defence ".
The contract was 4H by the North, and by sneaking in a frisky 2S overcall during the auction on AKxxxx....void...xxxx...xxx , her partner made an opening lead of spade 10. 
Dummy came down with xx.....AKQxx....Q9xx....xx.
Declarers bidding suggested a semi-balanced no trump hand with 12-14 HCPs , of which four points could be accounted for : QJ of spades and J of hearts. This left partner with a minimum 8 points in the minors.
Having taken the first trick with the spade King, the lady in question correctly switched to a minor suit..... but played 7 of diamonds !  Game over....10 tricks made no problem. Her partner took the trick with the Ace , but the chance to make his club king had now disappeared under the setting sun. The best the defence could do now was to play back a spade , planning to see a third spade ruffed and then over-ruffed. This would certainly stop declarer's queen of spades giving him the opportunity to lob away a losing club in dummy. Instead, after playing off  2 rounds of trumps , declarer ditched his losing queen of clubs on dummy's fourth diamond. Contract coming in with 5H , 3D, Club Ace and 1 ruff. 
In order to settle the argument for once and for all , Johnny stepped in to explain why a switch to club stood out by a country mile.
" The danger was all too plain to see. If declarer has both minor suit Aces, it was going to be an easy task to win the diamond switch with the Ace , and draw trumps before conceding a second spade. Then on the inevitable club switch, declarer would swiftly rise up with the Ace, to gleefully pitch a losing club from dummy on his establish spade winner. However, a club return guarantees a club trick to the defence, as well as a diamond and a spade, because there was no chance of three losing diamonds ever going away in dummy. Moreover ,  by giving partner the diamond Ace plus the club king and jack , then a switch to clubs at trick two was just as imperative. Also ,  if partner happens to have instead the diamond king / club Ace and Jack , then the switch to clubs cannot do any harm whatsoever ,  because once the second spade winner has been quickly cashed,  declarer  would still be left with a diamond to lose. So yes....the lady did screw up big time. "
Now can anyone argue with that logic ?

Declarer's hand : QJx....J9xxx.....KJ10.....AQ
East's hand : 10x...xxx.....Ax.....KJ10xxx

NEWSFLASH : MORE SHENANIGANS AT SHENANIGANS BC.........

A year in and the AGM was just a few weeks away. With only one another person standing against the existing Chairman , Bigot-Johnson , the time had come for his pre-emptive push for re-election , in a determined attempt to hold onto his power and privileges. So not surprisingly Bigot took on the unusual step of issuing next month's results in advance.
" As Chairman , I felt this action was absolutely necessary if only to stop dissident  members wasting time , effort and money in campaigning for a lost cause. What was the point of turning up to an AGM to vote on a forgone conclusion. Having sent out Ronnie and Reggie to sound out members' voting intentions , it become quickly apparent that my re-election was going to be complete walk-over.  Given this survey was all above board ,  I welcome doubting observers to come in and see all the blood-stained written statements of intent , secured by my two very trustworthy and handy lieutenants.
Results in full :
Bigot-Johnson - 267 votes
Petunia Pantopod :  nil votes

As it happens with Petunia having just disappeared off the face of the earth without explanation or warning , it seems my re-election turned out to be the best thing after all , especially if members were looking for a chairman full of passion , commitment and reliability. " 

LAW REPORT : WHITTLER & OTHERS v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

In this landmark High Court case a group action civil  law suit was taken out against Bigot-Johnson under The Occupiers' Liability Act, when the ceiling roof collapsed on visitors as they were playing bridge at the Slaughter House bridge club. As owner-occupier of the premises Bigot was being sued for over £500,000 in damages to cover pain and suffering , physical injuries, trauma , loss of earnings , and all past and future medical expenses. Once again Bigot decided to call in the services of the law firm Shyster, Shyster and Flywheel. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Shyster ( Defence counsel) : Your honour ....I see no way in which my client can be in breach of a duty to care owed to these plaintiffs..... who visited to his infamous and dilapidated , death trap of a bridge club that fateful evening
Judge : Why is that ? Is he not the owner -manager of the place .......and as such deemed to be the occupier ?  The one who the law sees fit to impose a duty of care upon.....requiring him to make the place safe for visitors to enter
S : Yes.....but my client does not deny the existence of this duty of care.....but I am maintaining that he is not in breach of it 
Judge : Good grief man ......a ceiling collapsed on these poor folk as a result of weak rafters unable to carry the weight of 6 tons of paper stored in the loft space above. Most of this comprised of letters of complaint , surveillance reports , secret files, and well over one thousand three-inch thick dossiers kept on every club member past and present  
S : Ah....but the law relating to breach of duty requires my client to display a sub-standard level of care below that which is seen as  "reasonable "...... given the surrounding and unusual circumstances......a standard of care that relates to the reasonable occupier
Judge : Yes....that appears to be an accurate summary of the law
S : Well , your honour.....because my client is a paranoid , under-achieving emotional retard
B-J : What the devil are you up to Shyster ?.......I wish to object....
Judge : You can't .....he's your defence counsel
S : You see what I mean your honour....he is without doubt a half-witted incompetent who is incapable of being negligent ,  since he is incapable of anything which involves the neurological activity of several brain cells working together simultaneously....
B-J : I object...these statements amount to gross defamation of character 
Judge : Overruled...
S : Under the law of negligence the standard of care expected depends upon the skill and ability of the group to which the defendant belongs. For instance , if a roadside assistance to a car accident victim is botched up..... resulting in further injuries being sustained.....then the standard of care to be applied .....on which the defendant will be judged.....is that of the reasonable man. Similarly , if the assistance voluntarily given was by a off-duty doctor , then the standard of care to be applied would be that of a reasonable doctor.
Judge : Yes...yes... so get to the point...
S : Well , my client belongs to a group of morons........... brainless idiots renown for their awesome stupidity.......why he even objects to his own defence counsel 
Judge : Good point....
S : So I ask the court  to just look at this nincompoop . This apology of the human race. This joke of a man...
B-J : I object....
Judge : If you object once more to our own counsel ,  I'll hold you in contempt of court......
S : Thank you your Honour.... so to sum up....I contend that this dork of a man can not be liable in negligence....... because having been born a cretin.....................he was only ever capable of ineptness and incompetency. Therefore ....he is only liable for being Bigot-Johnson. That happens to be his genetic curse......and also his lifetime punishment
Judge ( with a tear in his eye ) : You're right.....he needs to be pitied or put down.....case dismissed
S : There Bigot ...now that's what I call a cracking good defence 
B-J : Shyster.....I haven't finished with you yet
S : What about my fees then ?
B-J : Bugger me....you've got no chance there

KEEPING AN OPEN MIND.........( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Keeping an open mind on issues , especially controversial ones requires a strength of character most of us do not possess. Our values , attitudes and opinions all too often are shaped and influenced by others. One innate weakness which many of us possess is our subconscious surrender to manipulative and oh-so-subtle and forms of conditioning and indoctrination. Peer group pressure and propaganda can even overwhelm those who resolutely set out to remain independent thinkers.
For instance , whenever committees insist on holding their meetings behind closed doors , the likelihood of open minds being present is zero. Secrecy promotes conspiracy and abuse of power. Decisions can be made without any outside scrutiny or challenge . The temptation to approach problems and issues with closed minds, which are so often fuelled by personal motives and interests, becomes irresistible. Reasons behind those decisions inevitably stay inside the room . Voting is recorded with anonymity , and dissent within the committee ranks can be easily dealt with and supressed.
Keeping an open mind of course requires individuals to free themselves from the shackles of prejudice , bias and raw emotion. But the failings and shortcomings of human condition makes that task almost impossible. Nevertheless , the next best thing is to admit to having fixed opinions and jaundiced views on an issue, so as others can then judge whether or not you are capable of entering into an open and rational debate on the subject. An open mind involves a willingness to hear the views of others , to weigh up all the evidence ( for and against )  ,  and to reach a fair and just decision , based on an objective overview of the relevant facts and arguments raised in a meaningful discussion. 
When a committee fails to acknowledge and accommodate alternative points of views , blinded by their own prejudgements , one can only assume that closed minds are in the ascendency. Coming to any meeting with a fixed agenda , idea or opinion is a very destructive thing. For if people have already convinced themselves that they are right , then the likelihood is that this powerful lobby will easily win over those , who come to the meeting with " empty  minds ", as opposed to " open " ones .  Filling empty minds is all too easy.
The biggest tragedy, according to E. D. White, is that " the world is full of people who have never , since childhood , met an open door way with an open mind ". Indeed, Frank Zappa  made a similar observation when he said , " the mind is like a parachute : it doesn't work if it does not open ". Indeed , the odds of finding an open mind in closed room are about the same as a parachute opening when jumping off a table. People who operate in secret , soon develop the habit of dismissing alternative views with sneering contempt, simply because they do not fit well with their preconceived notions.
Openness and transparency in meetings certainly help to steer people to approach a task with open minds, or at least with the appearance of doing so. Observers will be looking to see that full and frank discussions take place, and that decisions reached will not be based on erroneous assumptions , misguided dogma and personal prejudices.  
         
   

IN THE
PITCH
BLACK
DARKNESS
OF THE
AGM 
ROOM
A FEW
MEMBERS
FINALLY
BEGIN
TO SEE 
THE
LIGHT
......

LATER
ON
THAT
SAME
EVENING.....
.....
.....

INCIDENT
PACKED
AGM
BUT
STILL
SHBC
MEMBERS
ARE
KEPT
IN THE
DARK
........

NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON TO MARRY AGAIN

Rumour has it that Bigot-Johnson has found his dream woman. The Slaughter House BC reporter has been talking to Bigot's bride to be. The young attractive twenty year old oriental beauty claimed her fiancé had all the qualities she wanted most in her pursuit of the ideal husband.
" He needed to be in his late sixties , with loads of money, and living in a nice house. A man who loves to play bridge every night , including weekends away. Someone with a zany taste in clothes , who loves to wear stripy T-shirts and silly hats. My perfect man must have a big conker of  a nose with a monstrously absurd black moustache underneath it. I want someone with a serious medical problem, such as a weak heart,  who I can look after and care for. But most important of all ,  a voyeuristic pervert who will get terribly over-excited at the sight of my naked body. Blokes like that are a rarity but I guess I've been very lucky ".     

TALK ABOUT DESPAIR............ ( another tale of woe from Bigot- Johnson's never ending bridge misadventures )

The other day Bigot played in a league match with his regular partner , only to suffer one bad board after another. Within the space of 6 boards the match was well and truly lost. The defining moment of their walkabout on Planet X occurred when they were defending an absurd 3NT contract,  given that the cold-as-ice , rock solid 5C/5D game should have been the preferred option.
Bigot held KJ632 of hearts opposite his partner's AQ84. Five tricks surely to the defence, contract down one ?  But no.....
On Bigot's opening lead of the heart 3, partner hopped up with his Ace . The opponent's bidding ,  along with dummy's void , clearly indicated declarer's no trump call was either based on a 4 card heart suit, or possibly a 3 card suit headed by the queen. 
If partner had elected to play the queen at trick 2 followed by another, life for Bigot would have been easy, but instead back came the heart four ! Declarer played low and Bigot took the trick with jack. But what now ?
Did the 4 promise the queen ? Surely not.... for the right play had be the obvious the heart queen , if only to remove all doubt as to its location.  In Bigot's mind to volunteer the heart 2 at trick 3 would the act of an insane man , especially  if declarer only had the queen left in his hand. Consequently, this pained and troubled man , who was clearly unable to figure out his partner's holding , decided to place his partner with a 5 card heart suit without  the queen. Then in a mad rash moment , he took the plunge by cashing the King, fully expecting to swallow up declarer's bare queen.  But no.....
His partner meanwhile on seeing the King  suddenly realised the risk of the suit being blocked , so cleverly pitched his queen underneath it. Declarer of course was beside herself with joy as her 10 of hearts was established as a winner, with 3NT rolling in plus one. 
Bigot was in a complete state of despair as another precious 10 imps was cast to the wind......        

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3468........

( Yet again another pantopod  was hauled before the club's committee headed up by the paranoid and delusional chairman , Bigot-Johnson. This time it was the turn of Pendragon Pantopod , who up to this moment in time had a track record of being well behaved , polite and gracious. But Bigot-Johnson wanted rid of this potential nuisance and irritant. From a secretly recorded tape, an extract from the hearing's transcript can now be published. )

B-J : Well Pendragon....you've been summoned here to answer a trumped up....oops , sorry.....I mean .....this trumpery charge
PP : What's that ?
B-J : A frail elderly member , with a very delicate and sensitive disposition , claimed you assaulted him in the bar
PP : What !......Who the hell was that ?
B-J : Me...as it happens
PP : I don't remember assaulting you
B-J :  Oh but you did....last Sunday night when you grabbed hold of my hand
PP : Yes...but that was to congratulate you on not coming last in the consolation pairs final....and although I may have been a bit over zealous.......that never amounted to an assault
B-J : Excuse me....but the initial investigation committee reported back that the tightness of your grip nearly crushed my brittle-bone fingers....and this was tantamount to an unwarranted and vicious attack
PP : But it wasn't.....there was no malice intended whatsoever
B-J : Excuse me yet again....because we have in our possession..... a superbly crafted 30 page dossier on all your past misdemeanours.......which in my opinion would convince even impartial observers....let alone a biased committee like this one......that your actions can only be interpreted one way....namely,  GBH with intent
PP : This is absurd....and I demand to know what's in this dossier
B-J : No....confidentiality wont allow me to divulge 
PP : But I insist.......
B-J : Ok....if I must......but I need to warn you now..... that all these reported incidents paint a very dark , disturbing and demonic picture of who you really are
PP : Hold on....how many of these relate to alleged misconduct at this club
B-J : Just 3...........so naturally all the other 389 are all relate to your misconduct outside this club....shocking and shameless behaviour , which clearly shows how impossible it is for you to remain a member of this fine and highly respectable club
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Surely, you don't need to know all the sordid details, which outline this wretched , wicked life you have led ?
PP : Yes....I do need to know 
B-J : So be it......it lists 27 parking fines, 3 speeding convictions , 4 magistrate court appearances, including a fine for urinating in a public place, 6 messy divorces where unreasonable behaviour was cited in all of them, 13 statements from ex-girlfriends who claimed unpaid rent and misappropriation of property, 116 school detentions, 3 work-related dismissals, 27 work-related warnings, six of which were final written warnings, 76 incidents of using threatening behaviour towards your neighbours, 7 cautions for being drunk and disorderly, 28 missed hospital and dental appointments, 14 restraining orders taken out by women you stalked and harassed, 6 recent sightings of litter dropping, 4 recent sightings of kerb crawling in a local red light district, 2 suspected instances of fly-tipping, 17 reported cases of non-payment for goods and services .....and 26 cases of late payment......
In short....you are an utter scoundrel and a rogue....a danger to the public , who clearly intended to cause me harm....and on the basis of this fabricated....oops, I mean fabulous dossier ....it is incumbent on us to terminate your membership from this club
PP : I protest....this hearing...this process.....it's not right..... anyone can see it was flawed, .....it was rigged......it was ruthless..... for you were clearly out to get me
B-J : By any means Pendragon........by any means   


    

NEWSFLASH : EDITOR OF THE BENIGN BC NEWSLETTER DECIDES TO PUT OUT A RIVAL BLOG TO COUNTER THE EVIL OF BIGOT-JOHNSON'S  " BIZARREBRIDGEWORLD " 

So here are a few words from the editor himself , Fuller Lovejoy.
" Yes, something has to be done to gloss over the blot that Bigot-Johnson has put on the landscape of internet bridge blogs. My new look blog, approved by Google's very own marketing department , will be called Beautiful Bridge World.
No more carping , sick toilet jokes , obscenity , sarcasm , and vitriolic abuse. No more pathetic sanctimonious platitudes from that bogus professor Hu Chi Ku Chi. No more degradation , defamation and defilement of the people involved with bridge. No more inane crap and poisonous asides.
This new and heart warming blog will be nothing short of clean , wholesome , innocent ,
endearing , delightful articles , bestowing the virtues of this great game and the people who run it. Indeed, the blog will be packed full with lots of interesting and fascinating stories about hands, bridge celebrities and charming little incidents , which will entertain readers immensely.
My church-going, law abiding contributors are all well respected members of the Benign BC , who are thrilled at the prospect of promoting bridge as it should be..........as opposed to blatant lampooning and piss-taking, which that reprobate Bigot-Johnson loves to indulge in.
The writers , listed below , are determined not to stand by and let this proud and noble game being ridiculed and treated with contempt :

Eve. R. Sopure                  Wanda Full
Troy Toby Nice                  Ivor Kindheart
Honey Dew                        Sue Sweet
Amy Cable                         Wyatt Dove
Bess Greetings                  Sasha D. Lite
Ima Goodie                        Will Makepeace                                                                      "       

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : FABRICATUM PORKUS TELLA

This rather disturbing pathological disorder appears to be very prevalent in nearly all the upper echelons of all bridge playing fraternities. People who step forward to take on committee work , soon become obsessed with their status, and the power that goes with it. Sadly, the more important the role ,  the more likely they will display acute symptoms of this appalling affliction. 
Indeed , fabricatum porkus tella is seen by many psycho-analysts as a routine condition, especially within the ranks of the high and mighty. However , in the USA  the medical profession refers to this condition as mendacius duo-facia liarem. Even so ,  the one classical symptom  that doctors and professionals agree upon is that all diagnosed sufferers succumb to the following belief : " as God chosen representatives of this organisation, we are now the masters and owners of that organisation " . Ordinary members are then perceived and labelled as irrelevant  outsiders , or if the condition is far more serious..... the enemy .
What happens of course is that after several years of being power, key officers begin to sense murmurs of discontent amongst the rank and file members, which becomes more frequent ,  and more prominent as time moves on. Awkward questions are asked with concerned members demanding truthful answers.
This in turn gives rise to carefully considered responses  ,which can only be described as pure fabrication,  or at best very economical with the truth. Answers given are inevitably   vague, confusing, misleading, even distorted , being cleverly designed to keep the membership blissfully unaware and ignorant about what is really going on. Spinning yarns will be developed into the fine art of spin doctoring , where any slant can be put on any story or explanation.
Inevitably , when more and more evidence to the contrary starts to surface ,  ruthless attempts will be made to see that evidence is either discredited or suppressed. Victims with an acute disorder are now compelled to tell even more porkies, hoping to keep the fragile web of deceit  fully intact. Sadly , the most afflicted victims turn into pathological liars , but unfortunately for them there is no cure. The desire to deceive becomes so ingrained into their psyche  that compulsive lying becomes their way of life.       

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU PALPITATIONS............. ( research by Pun )

• Under Attack From Low Flying Bridgemates....................N. M. E. Fyre
• Do I Feel Bad About Cheating At Bridge ?.......................Honor B. Blode
• What Should One Say To Players Who Cheat ?..............Callum  Swindlers
• I Hate It When I Lose Out To Numpties............................Dee Pressing
• Yes, When Numpties Beat Me I Feel Dreadful.................Sue E. Sidle
• Best Place To Go To End It All.........................................Cliff Topp
• Where Did This False Allegation Come From ?................Maddy Tupp
• Can Someone Explain Why Bar Profits Are Down ?........Hanz Hintiligan 
• Bridge Players Who Behave Like Football Hooligans.......E. I . Addio 
• How Much Dirt Have You Got On Bigot-Johnson ?..........Philippa Book
• Mystery Surrounds Death Of Percival Pantopod..............Hugh Dunnett
• I Always Call A Spade A Spade........................................Ray Cyst

BRIDGE STUDENT PUTS BIGOT IN HIS PLACE......

Bigot-Johnson as usual was milking more money from his bridge classes , than the dozens of bogus claims he regularly submitted for administration and travel expenses. This particular group were intermediate students who were still struggling to grasp the fundamental elements of the game. Bigot of course became more and more exasperated at their failure to execute a very simple squeezes. These students were in his warped and twisted mind complete tossers.
Finally, the big man cracked. " Let's have a reality check here.  I want all the inept and clueless bridge players in this room to stand up.... and to explain why they are complete numpties at this game ". 
After a long silence , one young man rose to his feet.
" Thank God for an honest student. So please me....and the class....why you consider yourself to be a complete numpty ? " 
" Well, actually I don't ", came the sympathetic reply, " but I was loath to see you standing up there all by yourself....."  

LAW REPORT ( CONTINUED ) : WRIGHT-HACKER  v. BIGOT-JOHNSON 1989

Another short extract taken from the trial's transcript ,  as the case took on a sudden and unexpected turn. 

Sylvester Shyster (SS) : So I put it to you your Honour.....and the court......that Bigot-Johnson stands only for truth and justice...
B-J : Hear....hear....
SS : He is a man of principle and high moral standing, who would never stoop to condemning people of crimes which they have not committed
B-J : Yes....I am a gentleman and a scholar
Judge : Shyster....as yet neither you.... nor your client..... has produced a shred of evidence to show that the content of the newsletter article was true. Where is the evidence to establish that Wright-Hacker was indeed a cheat and a bully ? 
SS : Oh....did I forget to mention......all the real evidence you need your Honour is to be found in a large brown paper bag tucked secretly away under your bench....immediately to your left. Wads of the stuff.....which I'm sure you will find very conclusive
Judge : Well.....at this point I need to adjourn the proceedings for at least an hour....in order to retire and count up the evidence....
  

LAW REPORT : WRIGHT-HACKER v. BIGOT-JOHNSON  1989

Having been accused of being a cheat and a bully in the club's very own newsletter , the once well respected chairman, Wright-Hacker, decided to sue the editor, Bigot-Johnson,
for libel. Moreover, he also claimed that as a fellow committee member Bigot had breached the club's sacred rule on confidentiality by revealing the alleged failings and shortcomings of other committee members. Contrary to usual practice, Bigot opted to hire a top class lawyer . Sylvester Shyster, a specialist in getting clients off the hook, to defend him in this high profile case. Two short extracts from the trial's transcript appear below.

Sylvester Shyster ( SS ) : Bigot.......you are a distinguished and highly acclaimed editor , blogger and journalist.....are you not ?
B-J : No.....I am not
SS : Hold on a mo......I thought we agreed you would say " yes " to that question
B-J : Oh my God....I completely forgot all about last week's talk on what tactics we were to use in court
SS : So Bigot...I need to put it to you that....in publishing this down-to-earth , hard hitting ,
blockbuster of an article......about the low-down, filthy , cheating habits of Hacker.....you were acting only out of the very highest of motives.....and out of a burning desire to put a stop to his obscene and despicable behaviour.....by broadcasting to all and sundry the risks they face should this amoral results merchant arrive at their table 
B-J : If you say so Shyster....but as far as I was concerned my real motives were based on the fact that I was out to get this man......... ever since he put in a complaint to a disciplinary sub-committee about my coffee-housing tactics and deliberate slow play.
SS : What the hell are you up to.....no way was that answer in the script ....you're cocking  up your own defence you big numpty
B-J : Oops sorry.....

( After Bigot had dropped a couple more clangers , it was the turn of Hacker's lawyer  
 Ivor Sorbottom to question his client )

IS : Wright-Hacker....I know that this must be very difficult for you to put into words.......
B-J ( interjecting ) : Yes....the man is a complete moron
IS : .......but would you describe your feelings on seeing your name and photograph in this newsletter article as being ones of intense embarrassment , shame , humiliation  and suicidal depression ?
W-H : No...
IS : That was meant to be the answer to my next question......which was .....are you a cheat ?
W-H : Yes....
IS : Are you sure about that answer  ?
W-H : No...the " yes " was to the first question......and yes , the " no " was to the second question
B-J ( interjecting ) : For pity's sake man.......you're worse than me at keeping to the script
Judge : I agree....and I think it's time for a long adjournment so both parties can revise their lines and re-shape their answers .....in keeping with the long established traditions of sharp practice and courtroom shenanigans

BIGOT-JOHNSON RESPONDS ANGRILY TO ACCUSATIONS OF THREATENING BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES WITH LAWSUITS.......