Slaughter House Bulletin Board

NEWSFLASH :
WITH
MEDIATION
HAVING FAILED
PERCY
PANTOPOD
FINALLY TAKES
SHBC TO COURT
........
LEAVING BIGOT-
JOHNSON AND
AND SYLVIA 
SWAMP TO FACE 
A TRICKY AGM

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY......( Discoveries by Pun )

• My Idiotic Partner Deserves To Be Sacrificed............I. L. Naylor
• Up Before A Disciplinary For Cheating ?....................Courtney Act
• What ! You Can Pull Off A Complex Squeeze ?..........Azif U. Khan
• Bigot-Johnson Has Been Arrested Again !................Watts E. Dunne
• Partner, There Are Times I Wish I Was Dead.............Midas Wellbay
• Bridge Makes A Comeback In The Deep South........Louis Yanner
• Playing Bridge On A Tight Budget............................Penny Pincher
• Use The Occult To Help You Read The Cards............Luigi Board
• Partner, I Can't Help Being A Cowardly Bidder...........Lilly Livard
• Yes, I Sell My Services : But That's My Business.......Ima Hore 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............

• Disciplinary Appeal : a second hearing to reconsider the decision made,  and/or the manner and way that decision was reached, at the earlier one . If in the event a player was unbelievably banned for life without ever having an initial hearing, the appeal of course can " double up " as both. 
• Witness : a casual observer, who mistakenly believes that his/her subjective view of what happened bears some resemblance to the factual reality
• Letter of Complaint :  (a) a grievance put in writing where the boundaries between truth and fiction get extremely blurred, (b) a heaven sent opportunity to vent one's spleen or have a good rant
• Zero Tolerance :  where players'  petty intolerance of others is immediately cracked down upon by committees, who believe any intolerance on their part is fully justified, and that severe sanctions and punishments must be handed out accordingly 
• Best Behaviour : a foolish pipe dream or absurd notion that bridge players are capable of achieving any level of civilised co-existence and mutual respect
• Club Constitution : a set of internal rules which,  although designed to resolve conflicts of interest and petty squabbles,  serve only to create them by the bucket load 
• Disciplinary Hearing : a non event, especially when the committee considers the alleged wrongdoer to be so guilty, the idea of holding one seems utterly pointless
• Investigation Committee : hand picked members assigned to obtain all the relevant facts, and to sift through conflicting and contradictory evidence. Often at the risk of overlooking crucial facts, and merging irrelevant material with jaundiced assumptions,  to arrive at a completely absurd set of conclusions
• Mediation : a wonderful opportunity for both parties involved in a long running, bitter dispute to re-establish and confirm their determination to fight it out to the death 

NEWSFLASH : MEDIATION PROCESS BREAKS DOWN CREATING A NEW GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS ENTRY AS THE WORLD'S SHORTEST EVER HEARING

( With Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod at complete loggerheads over ending their long running dispute, both parties were eventually persuaded to resolve their differences through mediation. Forking out for a top class, well qualified legal expert to help steer them towards reconciliation, the prospect of avoiding a costly court case now seemed a reality. A transcript of the hearing in full can be seen below. )

Mediator : Welcome....I'm am so pleased that both of you have come here today with open minds and a positive attitude towards making concessions....in a genuine attempt to resolve your differences and reach a settlement......
B-J ( turning to Percy ) : You're a nasty piece of work......so don't think for a minute you'll get any concessions from me
Mediator : Well, that's enlightening.....and Percy......what agenda have you come with today ?
PP ( turning to Bigot ) : I'm only here to stick the knife in..... and see you squirm and suffer 
Mediator : Guess that's it.....no point in continuing.......I'm off....but I'm still taking with me my £2,000 fee.....which by my reckoning works out at £120,000 an hour
B-J and PP ( in unison ) : Bugger off then.....you blood-sucking, money grabbing parasite !


    

BRIDGE LAWS AND ETHICS : BIGOT-JOHNSON SETS UP
HIS VERY OWN SUB-COMMITTEE
( With so many ordinary club members stepping out of line, Bigot-Johnson decided  drastic action was called for. What was needed was a determined and robust attempt to inject discipline, order and control, where chaos and unpredictabilty existed before. Standards of behaviour were not to his liking and something had to be done.The three members of the sub-committee were all hand-picked, because of their known  "strange ways " reputation. Behind closed door secret interviews took place to make sure they were the right men for the job. Details of the job description and job specification are listed below.) 

Job Description:
1. To propose and implement new laws and rules, ensuring that enforcement is extremely thorough and effective.
2. To deal with law/rule breakers in keeping with the club's well established sub-zero tolerance policies. 
3. To ensure that all club members conduct themselves in a manner and way that meets the committee's high expectations.
4. To convert all potential troublemakers into faceless, bland, compliant, passive, harmless and gentle patsies.

Job Specification :   ( Candidate must have.... )
1. Excellent communication skills in getting across to club members the message that laws and rules have to be obeyed.
2. Expertise in motivating potential troublemakers to change their annoying and disruptive behaviour.
3. Expertise in determining what is the right and proper thing to do in all circumstances, and in all situations.
4. Great observational skills and all round vigilance in order to spot actual or potential breaches of the laws/rules.
5. Exceptional skills in dealing with wrongdoers, utilising a vast range of highly efficient and effective techniques.
6. Focus and initiative,  revealing an ability to work in the dark without any fuss, and making doubly sure their work does not attract any unwanted attention from genuine law enforcement agencies .     
       

SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB : THE NEW RULES REGARDING THE REVISED DEFINITION OF " OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY "......

1. Once elected as a committee member you must never, under any circumstances, talk about committee matters or affairs with the ordinary club members, who are now referred to as  " the enemy ". 

2. Confidentiality is of paramount importance. The duty is absolute. What goes on behind closed doors must never be divulged to the enemy, especially if the information might possibly expose committee members as having not a single shred of honesty, decency and integrity.

3. As a committee member you must swear an oath of " absolute secrecy " with regard to the  
    following :
     (a) any controversial decisions, which will certainly rattle the enemy's cage 
     (b) information which would cause the enemy to ask a lot of awkward questions
     (c) the truth
     (d) damning statistics, which are likely to lead to embarrassing apologies, and/or severe
           criticism from outsiders
     (e) information clearly ear-marked as sensitive, or potentially damaging to the reputation
          of key committee members
     (f)  secrets that must remain secret
     (g) incriminating evidence of any kind
     (h) decisions best kept under wraps until which time their release will be of little or no 
          significance 

4. Minutes of every meeting must be carefully vetted and sanitised to such an extent that nothing
    of any significance gets published. This may require the minutes to be no longer than 200 
    words, made up of bland, hugely insignificant house-keeping matters.  However, the worse  
    case scenario might mean putting an important issue onto the back burner,  until it is either 
    forgotten about by the enemy, or can be permanently buried .

5. In circumstances when damaging information does leak out, all committee members must  
    stand shoulder-to-shoulder in a valiant attempt to dispute,  deny, and refute the facts, until 
    such time it is safe to say otherwise.

6. All meetings will take place behind closed doors, all of which will be double-locked and 
    bolted in order to give everyone the same peace of mind.

7. If in the event the enemy get suspicious, start to poke around, stick their noses in where
    they shouldn't, and ask very awkward questions, then it may necessary for the committee to
    " lean " upon them in a firm, but reassuring way.  If this fails to work, trumped up disciplinary
   charges must be invented in a determined attempt to drive them out of the club.

8. The real decisions will always be made earlier on by the select few,  following several  
     clandestine, hush-hush, discussions held in toilets and dark corridors, leaving unsuspecting 
     committee members , referred to as " the sheep ",  to subsequently fulfil their rubber-
     stamping role.  

9. As a sheepish committee member, you must adhere to the following two maxims : 
    (i)   knowledge is power
    (ii ) power is best exercised by those who know how to use it

10. In a crisis situation you must repeat the following mantra over and over again : SILENCE IS
     GOLDEN......SILENCE IS GOLDEN 


As a committee member you must always accept that information can only be passed onto the enemy on a " need to know " basis, but it is more important for you to recognise the fact that you were elected to make judgements on their behalf as to what they need to know...... and what they don't need to know.
           

NEWSFLASH :
DRAMATIC
NEW
NOTICE
SUDDENLY 
APPEARS
ON 
THE
CLUB'S
INFAMOUS
BULLETIN
BOARD
........

YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR CONVERSATION......

( Having disposed of another Pantopod the Slaughter House committee was on a roll, but this latest one wasn't going without a fight. Insisting on her right to appeal against the ultimate disciplinary sanction, it was left to one of her closest friends to monitor what was going on inside the club. As it happened her friend collared the infamous " Toxic " Ted Bateman as he strutted down the corridor towards the bar.)

Member : Excuse me, but how come you're heading up the five man appeal panel which is reviewing Poppy Pantopod's expulsion from the club 
TT : Because....my dear lady.....it was absolutely necessary to get a long serving club member on board...... who was respected by all for his honesty, integrity, impartiality and objectiveness. Who better to deal with an appeal case in an even-handed way, to ensure that justice and fairness prevails........than me
Member :  But....haven't you gone on record to say that you fully endorsed the committee's decision to get " rid of that bitch once and for all ".
TT : Yes....but so what !......... That doesn't mean I'm  biased or prejudiced in any way. That was my personal and honest opinion. Yet rest assured......when I put on my appeal panel hat,  I shall enter the room with a completely open mind.....
Member : Wow....does this mean you might actually come to the conclusion that..........because Poppy was kicked out in an unceremonious fashion without ever having the opportunity to challenge the evidence against her....or to defend herself against some rather dubious charges of misconduct........the committee's decision should now be set aside for procedural flaws?
TT : Are you stark raving mad ? She wasn't given a hearing because there was no bloody point to her having one.....everyone on that committee wanted to see the back of her.....she'd been a thorn in their side for years.......and heavens above.... flicking a rather large bogey from her nose across the table was clearly a very disgusting and offensive thing to do   
Member : Nevertheless, the committee may have acted in an incorrect manner and way....?
TT : Listen you muppet brain.....the committee is essentially made up with key members of Bigot-Johnson's inner circle, who expect me to do " the right thing ". The other committee members are all decent folk who believe that falling in line is necessary in preserving the principle of collective responsibility . Anyway, I've had enough of your foul insinuations and awkward questions. Now bugger off.....
Member : Well, thank you for your time....it has been very revealing....
TT : Yes.....so let me reveal something of concern to you .......and that is your time as a member of this club is fast running out too !
          

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........

Dear Rebecca,

My partner and I play Landy but I came to a sudden conclusion that this convention wouldn't  enable me to cope well with this particular hand : AK10x....AK109xxx....x....x
So when my opponent opened 1NT I went straight to 4H, going one off,  when 4S plus one was a lay down. Partner turned up with a 5-1-4-3 distribution in a pointless hand. Spades split 2-2 and hearts, which were 4-2, were easily ruffed out, restricting any losers to just one in each minor.
But what would you have done ?

Yours Ivor Stonker

Dear Ivor, 

Landy, you great muffin, would have worked extremely well in this situation if you and your partner had bothered to add a few refinements to this particular convention. 
With equal but limited length in both majors he should automatically bid 2D and await your next bid. You will naturally jump to 3H, which he can pass on a blizzard with no trump support, or raise to 4H holding 2 or 3 trumps and the potential to provide a trick.
However, when partner turns up with 4 cards in both majors,  he should of course bid 3D, making it no problem for you to find the right game. Holding just one 4/5 card major,  he should bid the suit at the 3 level, and if it happens to be spades, then 4S can be bid by you with relative confidence.
Moreover, if both of you are weak, then ending up at the 3 level on a 5/4 or 4/4 fit, is no bad thing. You are unlikely to be doubled,  and going one or two off may still earn you a few match points at the right vulnerability.

Yours reassuringly Rood   




  

A NOTICE
BOARD
FLYER
FROM
THE NOT
TOO
DISTANT 
PAST
.......
WHEN
BIGOT-
JOHNSON
AND HIS
GANG
MADE
THEIR
MOVE
FOR
POWER

BIGOT-
JOHNSON
KINDLY
TELLS
PARTNER
HIS PAST
MISTAKES 
ARE ALL
FORGOTTEN
AND 
FORGIVEN
.......
.......
.......
.......

" Partner, I know that in our love-hate relationship we've had many differences of opinion.........and that all too often we've allowed our negative emotions to undermine our deep respect for each other...............but the time has surely come to bury the hatchet........." 

NEWSFLASH ( By Pun ) : BIGOT FOUND WANTING AS HE TACKLES A DIFFICULT ENTRY PROBLEM

Just as Bigot was getting to grips with a difficult entry problem, a kibitzer find it necessary to intervene.
" Hey there......are you are pervert or what ? "
An embarrassed Bigot stopped in his tracks and turned round to face his accuser. Yet again he found himself caught on camera in one of his sheepish moods. When asked by the concerned onlooker " What on God's earth man are you up to ? ", Bigot replied,  " Rearing sheep... of course ".
Not surprisingly, the distressed passerby went straight to the police to report what he had seen. Within an hour two uniformed officers found Bigot still in the field, and so they proceeded to question him over this latest animal abuse allegation. Bleating profusely about his innocence, he then felt the need to ram home the point that what he was doing was his own business, and therefore of no concern to nosey, interfering bystanders.
" Well sir.....abuse of this nature is of concern to all law enforcement agencies.....and we suspect that you are going to get a very hefty fine ".
Bigot was livid, " What..... are telling me........ I'm going to be fleeced again by the courts ? "
" Yes " came the curt and abrupt reply.
" Bugger...."     

LAW REPORT : SOUTH YORKSHIRE LOCAL AUTHORITY 
v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

( Poor bigot-Johnson was once again brought before magistrates on yet another strict liability offence. This one relating to charges of running and managing a zoo, without having a valid licence to do so. Determined to prove these charges as being totally unwarranted and absurd, he decided of course to conduct his own defence. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

B-J : How come my club has been classified as a zoo ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : Because we have it in writing that you have often referred to the place as " the animal house " 
B-J : Well, so would you if you saw the way the members behave and carry on.....
P : Yet the compelling evidence are your claims that inside your club there are snakes in the grass, low down dirty rats, weasels, hideous hogs, feeble minded rabbits, pathetically slow tortoises , lots of old deers, and cheetahs by the dozen.........
B-J : You're not kidding......
P : Infact.....independent witnesses have stated you have gorillas as security men, and an elephant in a room which you for some unknown reason you fail to see
B-J : Yes....I now know where you're coming from......the goddamn place is a like zoo !
P : So having received notice that your establishment was classified as a zoo, you were then told to obtain a licence......which you failed to do
B-J : Not for want of trying.....
P : Well, I'm not surprised your application was refused. As the owner-applicant of a private club with the status of an unincorporated association, the licence guidelines are quite clear. Refusal is automatic if applicants have been previously convicted of ill-treating animals
B-J : Hold on a mo....my conviction was forty-four years ago.....when I took up sheep farming in Wales for a year.....why it was common practice in those parts for farmers to do all manner of things with their sheep...
P : Please spare the court the lurid details......but your licence application was also refused on the grounds that the activities at the zoo would seriously affect the preservation of law and order in that area, and/or adversely affect the health and safety of people living nearby
B-J : I can't help if it if stray bridgemates going flying off down the street and through hedges into neighbours' gardens......or if petty table altercations spill out onto the road as fights to the death
P : Be that as it may...but I'll be asking the judge on behalf of the local authority to close down the Slaughter House, and impose upon you the maximum fine
B-J : I've herd enough....and you sir have really got my goat.......I can't bear the thought of having to pack in my beloved bridge
Judge : That's life....it can be a real bummer
B-J : Bugger the lot of you then......I'm going back to what I do best 
Judge : What's that ?
B-J : Rearing sheep in Wales 

( This spoof article was partly inspired by Victor Mollo's classic books, which formed the Bridge In The Menagerie series )         

AN ALIEN
CONVERSATION
FROM
JUST 
OUTSIDE
THE
EARTH'S
ATMOSPHERE
.........
.........
.........
" What the blue blazes is that ? "
" It seems damn familiar to me ! "
" Looks like an unidentified scoring device ....."
" Yes....but I know what it really is "
" Tell me "
" It's one of those high powered long range flying bridgemates "
" Somebody help us......they're bloody lethal "
" We need to take immediate evasive action "
" Better still .....we need to head off back home......this planet earth is far too dangerous a place
   to ever consider colonising " 

NEWSFLASH
( By Pun ) :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC 
GOES TO 
THE DOGS
..........
..........
..........
BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS HOUNDED AND COLLARED BY
GOSSIP MONGERING JOURNALISTS

" Yes....yes....I'm at the end of my tether alright......with everyone bitchin' about the way I operate as chairman. But hell.....I've been chasing my tail for days now looking for a way forward to get this club back onto its feet again. And what's more I've a few bones to pick with you arseholes who say the club is finished. You're all barking mad. I know I'm dogmatic but that's what I'm all about : arrogant, bigoted, snappy, intolerant and dictatorial. So don't unleash any more of your dirt finding questions on me.......I'm need time to paws....and time to sniff out a devious solution to get the club out of the huge financial hole I've just dug for it. "     

NEWSFLASH :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB 
INSISTS
ON THE
COMPULSORY
WEARING 
OF CRASH
HELMETS
.......

EVEN FOR

DOGS

" As Bigot's new partner the likelihood of a flying bridge mate coming my way is almost a red hot certainty........and although I don't know how much protection this high impact ABS plastic helmet provides, I'm not arguing with the club's health and safety  rules on appropriate dress......"

LAW REPORT : PATRICIA PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS ( 2013)

( Yet another Pantopod went sent packing after been being disciplined for not wearing her crash helmet during play, which given the high incidence of flying bridgemates was viewed as a serious breach of the club's health and safety rules. The plaintiff was now claiming wrongful expulsion on the grounds that she received the ban without ever having the opportunity to represent herself before the sentence was carried out.  Bigot of course chose to act as counsel for the defence . A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Bigot : Who's the next witness for the plaintiff ?
Judge : " Painless " Peter Potter
( Witness takes the stand )
Bigot : I don't know you from Adam.....but you're certainly not a member of the Slaughter House Bridge Club 
Witness : Too damn right I'm not.....I'm no fool
Bigot : So you claim to be an expert on this thorny subject of disciplinary procedures ?
Witness : I would like to think so...
Bigot : Well, let's hear what you have to say then....
Witness : It seems blatantly obvious that you cannot ban a player without first giving him or her an initial hearing to state their defence...  or question the evidence laid against them   
Bigot : Excuse me you smart arse, namby pamby, lardy dah, pompous git.......our constitution entitles the committee to suspend any need for a hearing if it is apparent there would be no point in giving her one !
Witness : Oh dear....you are so wrong. There happens to be a much higher authority which goes beyond your constitution.....one to which your committee should have adhered to. This categorically states that a disciplinary process will be flawed " if the member did not have an adequate opportunity to represent himself....or if the process in the club's constitution was not fully adhered to ". Where the process can be established as flawed the decision to expel the member should have been set aside. Then the club should either deal with the matter correctly, or go to the county association to do it afresh.
Bigot : Excuse me Mr. Know-It-All......just who the bleedin' hell are you ?
Witness : Secretary of the EBU Law and Ethics Committee
Bigot : Oh.........but hang on on mo.......that bitch of a woman did get a hearing when she came up before club's carefully vetted appeal panel
Witness : So what you're saying then is that she did get a hearing after all ?
Bigot : Yes....yes....she did.....she did
Witness : But that was like a student failing a written exam before she even sat it.........but then when she took the exam the original mark still stood
Bigot : What a tosser you are ........I've had enough of your clever dick observations.......now you can go back to whatever hole you crawled out from....
   

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S VERY TELLING DISCARD........  

Bigot's nemesis opponents quickly reached 3NT. The contract was made in a matter of seconds. She took the opening spade lead with the Ace, cashed the Ace of diamonds, and then proceeded to rattle off dummy's seven top hearts on which to lob away all her losing diamonds.
On the third round of hearts, a highly agitated and fuming Bigot discarded the Ace of clubs.
With the naive innocence of a saintly nun, declarer turned towards Bigot's partner and politely asked " What is the meaning of this discard ? "
The poor man who had a real sense of foreboding, thought for a while before answering.
" I believe......", he said tentatively, "........that he's telling me I should have led the unbid suit and that I'm due to get the mother of all bollockings at the end of this round ". 

THOUGHT OF THE DAY ......... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge has been defined in a thousand different ways. Each definition and description waxes lyrical about one or more of the game's great virtues. Many have hit the proverbial nail on the head, but one writer, Edward McPherson,  paints in words a superb picture of what bridge is really all about.

" Bridge is a battle between fate and chance, mediated by skill. What I didn't say...and what nobody knows...is how you learn to live with the results. Bridge offers a fantasy of control that is constantly crumbling. You are attempting to outwit the world's chaos, and we all know how that ends. "




   

BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS PUT IN HIS PLACE....... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot was a very worried man. His court case was only a few weeks away. A supremely confident Percy Pantopod was suing him for slander, and seeking damages in the region of £250,000.
In the bar Bigot was ranting away as usual about this case and how he needed help, when a visiting player shouted across to him.
" There's nothing to worry about mate if what you said about him was either true.....or can't be proved false "
Bigot didn't take kindly to being alerted to the basics of the law regarding defamation, especially by someone was a complete stranger to the club.
" Let me bloody well guess.....you're a smart arse lawyer from down south......"
At this point a club member jumped up from his seat amazed at Bigot's deductive powers.
" Blimey....how you know that.....my brother Paul is up here on a trip to Doncaster.....and he's a high flying London lawyer  "
Bigot immediately replied : " I knew that....... because the observations he made were 100% accurate, but completely useless.....since everything I said about Percy was pure invention comprising of wicked, vindictive and malicious lies...."
In a flash the barrister got up from his seat to stand his ground.
" Well sir.....you come across to me as an arrogant sod.......supposedly in control, but far from it. You don't know what you are doing, or what the implications of your actions are. You've pushed yourself into an unresolvable predicament from which there is no turning back. This situation is of your own making and has come about through an embarrassing lack of forethought and common sense........a situation which could have been avoided by either thinking before speaking, or having both the humility and remorse to apologise. And if you expect the law to exonerate you for having acting with crass stupidity, then you're a bigger fool than I first took you for. Moreover,  you then have the audacity and nerve to dismiss my freely given observations as useless ! "
Bigot not surprisingly was rendered completely speechless.