SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB : THE NEW RULES REGARDING THE REVISED DEFINITION OF " OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY "......
1. Once elected as a committee member you must never, under any circumstances, talk about committee matters or affairs with the ordinary club members, who are now referred to as " the enemy ".
2. Confidentiality is of paramount importance. The duty is absolute. What goes on behind closed doors must never be divulged to the enemy, especially if the information might possibly expose committee members as having not a single shred of honesty, decency and integrity.
3. As a committee member you must swear an oath of " absolute secrecy " with regard to the
(a) any controversial decisions, which will certainly rattle the enemy's cage
(b) information which would cause the enemy to ask a lot of awkward questions
(c) the truth
(d) damning statistics, which are likely to lead to embarrassing apologies, and/or severe
criticism from outsiders
(e) information clearly ear-marked as sensitive, or potentially damaging to the reputation
of key committee members
(f) secrets that must remain secret
(g) incriminating evidence of any kind
(h) decisions best kept under wraps until which time their release will be of little or no
4. Minutes of every meeting must be carefully vetted and sanitised to such an extent that nothing
of any significance gets published. This may require the minutes to be no longer than 200
words, made up of bland, hugely insignificant house-keeping matters. However, the worse
case scenario might mean putting an important issue onto the back burner, until it is either
forgotten about by the enemy, or can be permanently buried .
5. In circumstances when damaging information does leak out, all committee members must
stand shoulder-to-shoulder in a valiant attempt to dispute, deny, and refute the facts, until
such time it is safe to say otherwise.
6. All meetings will take place behind closed doors, all of which will be double-locked and
bolted in order to give everyone the same peace of mind.
7. If in the event the enemy get suspicious, start to poke around, stick their noses in where
they shouldn't, and ask very awkward questions, then it may necessary for the committee to
" lean " upon them in a firm, but reassuring way. If this fails to work, trumped up disciplinary
charges must be invented in a determined attempt to drive them out of the club.
8. The real decisions will always be made earlier on by the select few, following several
clandestine, hush-hush, discussions held in toilets and dark corridors, leaving unsuspecting
committee members , referred to as " the sheep ", to subsequently fulfil their rubber-
9. As a sheepish committee member, you must adhere to the following two maxims :
(i) knowledge is power
(ii ) power is best exercised by those who know how to use it
10. In a crisis situation you must repeat the following mantra over and over again : SILENCE IS
GOLDEN......SILENCE IS GOLDEN
As a committee member you must always accept that information can only be passed onto the enemy on a " need to know " basis, but it is more important for you to recognise the fact that you were elected to make judgements on their behalf as to what they need to know...... and what they don't need to know.