LAW REPORT : SOUTH YORKSHIRE LOCAL AUTHORITY 
v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

( Poor bigot-Johnson was once again brought before magistrates on yet another strict liability offence. This one relating to charges of running and managing a zoo, without having a valid licence to do so. Determined to prove these charges as being totally unwarranted and absurd, he decided of course to conduct his own defence. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

B-J : How come my club has been classified as a zoo ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : Because we have it in writing that you have often referred to the place as " the animal house " 
B-J : Well, so would you if you saw the way the members behave and carry on.....
P : Yet the compelling evidence are your claims that inside your club there are snakes in the grass, low down dirty rats, weasels, hideous hogs, feeble minded rabbits, pathetically slow tortoises , lots of old deers, and cheetahs by the dozen.........
B-J : You're not kidding......
P : Infact.....independent witnesses have stated you have gorillas as security men, and an elephant in a room which you for some unknown reason you fail to see
B-J : Yes....I now know where you're coming from......the goddamn place is a like zoo !
P : So having received notice that your establishment was classified as a zoo, you were then told to obtain a licence......which you failed to do
B-J : Not for want of trying.....
P : Well, I'm not surprised your application was refused. As the owner-applicant of a private club with the status of an unincorporated association, the licence guidelines are quite clear. Refusal is automatic if applicants have been previously convicted of ill-treating animals
B-J : Hold on a mo....my conviction was forty-four years ago.....when I took up sheep farming in Wales for a year.....why it was common practice in those parts for farmers to do all manner of things with their sheep...
P : Please spare the court the lurid details......but your licence application was also refused on the grounds that the activities at the zoo would seriously affect the preservation of law and order in that area, and/or adversely affect the health and safety of people living nearby
B-J : I can't help if it if stray bridgemates going flying off down the street and through hedges into neighbours' gardens......or if petty table altercations spill out onto the road as fights to the death
P : Be that as it may...but I'll be asking the judge on behalf of the local authority to close down the Slaughter House, and impose upon you the maximum fine
B-J : I've herd enough....and you sir have really got my goat.......I can't bear the thought of having to pack in my beloved bridge
Judge : That's life....it can be a real bummer
B-J : Bugger the lot of you then......I'm going back to what I do best 
Judge : What's that ?
B-J : Rearing sheep in Wales 

( This spoof article was partly inspired by Victor Mollo's classic books, which formed the Bridge In The Menagerie series )