BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING......N0.527
( Having only just regained membership at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC, Bigot-Johnson was in trouble again. Strangely, the complaint related to an incident when he moved a pencil across a table in a grotesque and erratic manner. The committee were quick to pick up on this incident and subject Bigot to yet another disciplinary. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below. )

Chairman (C ) : Bigot, we are very grateful for the £5,000 you gave us to allow you back into the club.....but that doesn't mean we can't kick you out again
B-J : On what grounds ?
C : Moving a pencil over the table in a most appalling way...
B-J : Well..... Percy Pantopod was whinging about needing something to write down the bloody score !
C : But you lifted the pencil out of North's hand.......only to bang it down.... point first... on Percy's side of the table.....narrowly missing his head in the process......just as the poor fool was leaning forward to take a spare pencil.......... located right beside yours  
B-J : So what was wrong with giving him his partner's pencil ?
C : I tell you what's wrong with that......for starters.......that pencil belonged to North......so by taking it from him you are guilty of trespass to goods.......not to mention misappropriation and misuse of club equipment.....
B-J: Hold on..... I only broke the tip of the pencil....
C : Exactly.......but let's look at all the possible crimes involved in your ill-considered action .........criminal damage to property.......theft..........causing an affray.........going equipped to commit a crime......possession of a deadly weapon........assault with intent......assault with a deadly weapon......carrying out an act likely to endanger life......attempted murder even
B-J : I only moved a pencil across a table for God's sake !
C : Excuse me.....that pencil flew across the table at a rate of knots.....with menace......directed by your hand like a guided missile......which means you were in breach of several offences under the Aviation Act
B-J : What a load of bollocks !
C : Firstly, you were guilty of propelling a pencil without licence or permission. Then, of course, there's the unauthorized penetration of airspace......making an unauthorized take-off and landing.....and... as pilot..... flying the missile in a reckless and dangerous manner ........need I go on ? 
B-J : You're insane......what sort of absurd disciplinary policy do you run at this club ?
C : A sub-zero tolerance one......which means you're banned for a second time
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered.....
C : Hopefully yes........ but this time......... by a two ton sex-starved gorilla on an overdose of viagra