OSCAR WILDE ON BRIDGE......... ( Unearthed treasures from the Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi's literary find of the century )

In amongst a trunk load of old books, diaries and manuscripts bought at a local auction, I came across the scribbled notes of Oscar Wilde, who was using the pseudonym Drew Colish. Drew was the name that every one at his local bridge club called him by, being completely unaware of his real identity. These notes were full of witty, almost scathing, observations about bridge players. So listed below are some of his greatest quotations ..... published for first time.....here on Howard Bigot-Johnson's Blog..... for all to read and enjoy.

- Only dull players excel at being average

- What is the difference between a bridge book and a bridge magazine : one is unreadable and the other is never read. That is all.

- Looking at their own cards always bores most players to death : they much prefer to look at other people's

- Players who play their bridge strictly in accordance with a textbook suffer from a complete lack of intuition, vision and imagination

- To go down in a cold game may be regarded as a misfortune, but to do it twice equates to rank stupidity

- There is only one thing worse than being talked about at your club, and that is not being talked about at all

- My ambition in bridge is simple : to take more tricks than my cards were were ever intended to

- Bridge teachers do an admirable thing, but one does well to remember, from time to time, that things that are worth knowing can never be taught

- It's absurd to divide bridge players into good and bad : either they are charming to watch or extremely tedious

- An ordinary bridge player is a man who knows the value of his cards , but never able to exploit their full value during the play of the hand

- Men choose bridge as their first love , while women turn to bridge out of rejection and loneliness

- All bridge players are told to pass on good advice. Nearly all choose to do it, since they refuse to use the advice themselves

- Always ignore your opponents' outbursts and accusations : nothing annoys them as much

- One should always absorb the beauty and majesty of the game , but never the details of how the hands were played : far too many of them are either vulgar or embarrassing

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2011)

( As more and more reports emerge from the bridge club from hell, Bigot Johnson soon found himself up before the Crown Court on several blasphemy charges. When the police raided the Slaughter House BC following complaints of loud noises, gut wrenching screams, lewd behaviour and table brawls , the chairman could be heard effing and blinding about his atrocious luck, and that God Himself had become the victim of his vitriolic abuse. A short extract from this amazing trial appears below, with Bigot as usual conducting his own defence .)

Prosecuting counsel (PC ) : Just look at that hideous, vile, depraved man sitting there in the dock.....not only is he a sinner but a blaspheming one at that !

B-J : I object.....these accusations are nonsense.....for Pete's sake, there's no such crime as blasphemy.....this now defunct law is consigned to the past....

PC : I beg to differ....

B-J : Listen .......years ago blasphemy was considered a crime because it was held to be a denial of Christianity.....Indeed, simple minded people took the view that blasphemy was going to shake the fabric of society, believing that Christian religion was the very thing that was holding it all in place. But look around us today.....society is going to the dogs.....it's not in danger .... because it's already in the gutter. The offence of blasphemy therefore is a dead letter.

PC : So what if Christianity is on the wane.... blasphemy applies to all religions....and in the hallowed arenas of bridge clubs around the world, players believe in God.....and worship the game He created. Whenever finesses, end plays, and squeezes come off, you can sense the rejoicing that takes place in the name of the Lord. Players whisper to themselves " There is a God...Thank you God....Thank you for your gift of wisdom and this unexpected top ".

B-J : Bollocks...

PC : Moreover....every bridge player I know looks to the heaven for inspiration......taking every opportunity to get the prayer mat out to ask God for just one more teeny weeny favour. To deny them the existence of their benevolent God would turn their world into one of eternal darkness, misery, chaos, confusion and despair.

B-J : But bridge players are all bloody heathens.......obsessed with cards, racked with superstitions, and plagued with heaven knows what mental illnesses....

PC : Might I point out that believing in God.....any God..... is the fundamental right of anyone to worship who he or she wants. Bridge players as a social group need to believe in a Greater Being, for their own sanity and well being. If God predetermines their destiny they feel so much better about losing and making crap decisions.

B-J : Well then , can it not be the case then that I too am allowed to exercise my right to freedom of speech.....and slag off God because he is never on my side and always does the dirty on me. If a finesse works for an opponent then that is always bad news for those it succeeds against.

PC : I've heard enough of this claptrap......for you need reminding that Lord Scarman upheld the crime of blasphemy in that....... any statement, spoken or written, which contains any contemptuous, reviling, scurrilous or ludicrous matter relating to God, Jesus Christ, or the Bible (in your case The Orange Book ) is blasphemous......especially if it couched in obscene and intemperate language. To put " Jesus Christ ! " next to " Fuck ME ! " in the same outburst is , in my opinion, going one step too far. To blame ..... or to assign blame....to those who revere His generosity and the miracles He performs......is a crime, especially when you are the one at fault.

B-J : Oh....

PC : Moreover, one could argue that since bridge has become a religion in its own right, it is abhorrently wrong to remark that " bridge is doing my bloody head in ".....especially when so many others see the game for its abstract beauty, and its never ending fascination and challenge.

Judge : Yes Bigot ...you have a foul and putrid mouth....and an unholy contempt for anything that is good and godly. Thankfully, we still have blasphemy laws to deal with the likes of you...

B-J : But hold on there...If I'm created in God's image, then He can't be that pure and good ?

Judge : You've got a point there...

B-J : And if God is such a caring individual, then how come their is so much misery in the world, and so many miserable sour-faced bridge players ?

Judge : You're beginning to win me over....

B-J : And if God preaches virtues like equality.....then how come He allowed his own Son to recruit all men as his disciples......doesn't that smack of a sexist attitude and discrimination against women ?

Judge : Well, I'll be damned....you're right. Hell's bells Bigot....I'm with you all the way on this one..

B-J : So is that it ? Am I free to go ?

Judge : Indeed you are.....

B-J : Thank The Lord God that's over.....now I can get back to what I love doing most...

Judge : And what's that ?

B-J : Blaming anyone .....real or imaginary......for my poor scores and table misfortunes......but never myself of course....

THE PRINCIPLE OF RESTRICTED CHOICE IN FULL ..... ( Article by Carp )

Bridge books by and large are useless. They tend to focus on one aspect of a law, theory or principle , leaving out in the process far more relevant and meaningful applications. Take for instance the principle of restricted choice. All we get on this is a statement that the play of a particular honour card ( by an opponent ) decreases the possibility he/she holds any equivalent card. Well, let me tell you that this priciple has far more applications of greater merit. Every one will become a truism of great significance for the rank and file bridge player. So why not take the time to consider these additional applications :

The Principle of Restricted Choice......

- part (ii) states that when you arrive late at the club without a partner, chances of finding a decent floater is down to a choice between a woodentop and a complete idiot

- part (iii) states that at any AGM the only people who put themselves forward for Office are so bad , the choice often becomes one of voting for the devil you know and the devil you don't......or the lesser of two evils

- part (iv) states that when captain of the club's top team loses key players for the next match, he is left with an impossible choice of which sow's ears will make the best silk purses

- part (v) states that when you are dragged before a disciplinary committee for hurling a bridgemate across a crowded room and straight through a window, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place : the choice being a 6 month suspension or a hefty £400 repair bill

- part (vi) states that when you've been given an offer you can't refuse, a third choice often springs to mind, namely suicide

- part (vii) states that if by losing a match you'll face the axe, but by cheating your way to victory you'll face losing your EBU membership, then Hobson is the only person who can best advise you on which choice to make

- Part (viii) states that having revoked on a trick with the ace of trumps in a desperate attempt to cash out an established red suit winner to defeat the contract, you are then instructed by the TD to play instead " any colour you like, so long as it's black "

EXPECTED BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS FOR 2012....... ( Predictions by Pun )

• My Partner Always Offers Me Great Support...................Jock Strapp
• She Always Plays Under Another Name..........................Sue Denim
• Sorry Partner, I Really Need to Go To The Bog................Penny Spender
• It's Hard To Call Who'll Win This Match...........................Evan Stevens
• At last I've Got A Stiff In My hand.............................Ardon Allwright
• My Table Tantrums Are Shocking You Know............Destin Toby Badd
• Three Words Can Describe My Partner...........................Ariel Payne
• He Cheated Us Out Of A Top For Sure.......................Judas E. Didd
• Partner, How The Hell Are We Going To Pay Paul ?....Rob Petermore
• What Card Did You Revoke On Then ?.............................Aesa Haart

LAW REPORT : PANTOPOD V. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS ) 2002

( Almost a decade ago , a most strange and unusual case came before the High Court in Manchester where the captain of a losing team, Percy Pantopod, filed a lawsuit against Bigot-Johnson and his team of coffee housing cheats. Percy made allegation after allegation concerning Bigot's " unprofessional, erratic and outrageous conduct ", which had forced the plaintiff to concede the match, despite being in a winning position. The staged theatrics were designed to undermine the opponents' focus and concentration, and to give them misleading and incorrect information at every opportunity. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below, with Bigot of course conducting his own defence. )

Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : Yes it is my contention that you Bigot won this match by foul play. Your underhand, cheating tactics were clearly designed to disturb, rattle and intimidate your opponents, who were all of a delicate, fragile and sensitive disposition.

B-J : Let's face it..... this bunch of namby pambies have got no backbone..or bottle...to play a high pressure game like bridge. These whinging cry babies even freaked when I even heaved a heavy sigh, pointed my finger, and squinted my eyes. They're nothing more than a pathetic rabble of highly strung, over-reactive, over-sensitive losers, who can't stand the heat of battle...

PC : But your behaviour went so far beyond the acceptable bounds of table eccentricity it was unrelentingly off putting and unnerving....

B-J : You're having me on ? You're pulling my chain....aren't you ?

PC : So what then do you call slamming your hand down in disgust ( with its apparant lack of points ) only to start fidgeting about on your chair, and cursing God at your wretched misfortune

B-J : I only like to be dealt big hands....

PC : And please explain why you felt the need to pick your nose, scratch your groin area, strum your fingers on the table edge. and hum in an grossly impatient manner every time the opponents had a difficult decision to make ?

B-J : These actions were all necessary........ behavioural ploys which have always enabled me to retain my composure and cool at critical moments.....hell....aren't I entitled to think carefully about what to do next ?

PC : But what about the time you pulled out of your inside pocket a packet of Viagra tablets, only to swallow the whole lot and then rush off to the toilet like a man about to explode...

B-J : Yes....I thought they were my calming tablets but then.... a certain member pointed out I had taken the wrong pills !

PC : And what about the so called seizures....one of which had you keeling over onto the floor gasping for breath and frothing at the mouth

B-J : Those fits were piques of rage at my partner's lunacy......and according to my doctor, stress and anger tend to affect my balance and bring on my acid reflux

PC : And is it proper for you and your team mates to be all putting on hand puppets ?...... all of which then engaged in mime, gestures and funny animal talk , deliberately engineered to pass over misinformation to your opponents , but with precise albeit unauthorised information flowing freely in the other direction

B-J : Those puppets were our lucky mascots......especially my penguin....... and what ever they discussed was between themselves and had nothing to do with bridge ....... any way there is nothing in law under which we can be sued.....Percy can't claim damages against us....... because we have not committed any civil wrong

Judge : Well, that's where you, Bigot, are wrong. In negligence you owe a duty of care to your neighbour....and your neighbour is any person you ought to have in your contemplation at the time you were about to engage in an activity , where it was reasonably foreseeable that harm would come to that person as a result of a careless act or omission. Indeed , your repeated acts amounted to both reckless and deliberate attempts to harm your neighbourly opponents in a devastating and psychological way........ clearly with an intention to deprive them of possible glory and any further progress in the competition. You were in breach of a duty of care to act in accordance with the rules of the game.....which I might add..... include rules regarding fair play and best behaviour.

Therefore, I intend to award Percy the full amount of damages he is claiming.....plus more

B-J : Bugger....

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS..... ( Suggestions By Pun )

• We Got To Beat This Pair, Partner ! ....................Camilla Highwater
• Guerrilla Bridge In Missouri...............................J. Hawker
• With Him In Our Team We Can't Lose..................Ivor Ringer
• Partner, Stop Getting Yourself Worked Up ?.......Ulrika Svett

• Rubber Down ? I Know What's Needed................Lynsey Doyle
• How Do Rate Our Chances, Partner ? ...................Frank Lee Horfall
• They're Planning To Throw Me Out .....................Evan Ferbid
• I Love To Spice Up The Bidding..........................Cory Anderman
• Partner, You've Got A Serious Problem................Bea Hoe
• Cheating Players Have Big Ears..........................Cezz Noddie

PUN

TAKES

OVER

THE

EDITOR-

SHIP

OF

"BAD

BRIDGE "

TO

HELP RE-

VITALISE

FLAGGING

SALES

.......

THE WONDER OF BRIDGE...................... ( A short article by Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

The wonder of bridge is the infinite number of mysteries one has to unravel and solve. So many hands where elusive games and slams are missed, quietly slipping by , despite our best efforts to find them in competitive bidding auctions. So many secrets to discover in the art of making tricks out of nothing. Lots more to fathom out when deceptive bids and plays simply add to the confusion and complexity that already exist. Indeed it is the mysteries of bridge which have made the game into the most sublimely beautiful and intriguing one ever devised. Time and time again we set off on a short journey completely " in the dark ", looking for information, evidence, clues, inferences and our sixth sense to help " shed some light " on the best way to proceed in order to reach our goal.

As Albert Einstein once said, and clearly he had bridge in mind, " The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it, and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed ."

So yes, Bridge indeed is both a science and an art. The game's exquisite beauty can never be fully appreciated or seen until years of experience begin to open our eyes. Each hand in itself is a mystery to explore and solve. Each path we take is full of hidden traps and unexpected consequences. Success of course depends on discovering all the hidden truths, and then like a skilled magician using this knowledge to conjure up an even more amazing trick.

A MOST REMARKABLE EXCHANGE OF WORDS WITNESSED BY ALL AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC's NOVEMBER AGM ......... ( between the chairman Bigot-Johnson and a rather disgruntled member )

DM : Chairman.....why does this committee hold meetings behind closed doors, and in such secret ? Members, like me, want to see openness and transparency

B-J : Are you stark raving mad.....open committee meeetings are a recipe for disaster and widespread discontent. Such meetings don't achieve anything. In fact they do more harm than good

DM : Surely, we members have a right to know about what's going on....and how decisions are reached and carried out

B-J: The Minutes are always published , informing members about what they need to know

DM : But who is best placed to know what members need to know ?

B-J : We are of course.....as elected members

DM : So how come the minutes are scant, sanitised, extremely brief reports of what went on ?

B-J : Members only need to know about the things that add up to very little , and nothing of issues which would be of great concern and worry to them

DM : I'm gobsmacked....

B-J : Listen...there is a law that governs the way the civil service is run. It is the Law of Inverse Relevance. This means in simple terms that the more we ( as a committee ) intend to do something drastic with huge implications and risks, then the less said about it the better.

DM : But what's wrong with being open and transparent ?

B-J : Are you thick or what ?.....You just don't get it. An open committee meeting is a contradiction. If it is open then a proper meeting will not take place. A committee can not function properly unless it is allowed to do so in secret. Fears of false reporting, ugly rumours, and defamation actions would severely inhibit individual committee members from speaking up.......

DM : I don't buy that argument at all....

B-J : Well, let's get back to your misguided view that members have a right to know......what a load of bollocks....most members cherish far more the right to remain ignorant.......because let's face it the truth hurts.....knowledge can be a dangerous thing...... it causes panic...... too much knowledge can create confusion and complexity. Having knowledge and not using it wisely only racks us with guilt. Moreover ignorance is bliss, and in my opinion it also has a certain dignity.

DM : But...

B-J : Dont " but " me sir.... giving away knowledge to your type is like giving whiskey to an alcoholic

DM : Well, it seems to me that you lot are obviously up to no good....that you've something to hide....and that there are major problems boiling up you're desperate to keep the lid on

B-J : What a muppet head you are....most of the people on this committee haven't a bloody clue about what is really going on ......it's only Ronnie, Reggie and I that know what's what. Therefore if they don't know what they are doing, then they can never know when they're doing wrong. Now this means they can all leave a committee meeting under the false belief that what they were doing was right.......and everyone is happy. So clearly, if ignorance is good for them, then it must be good for you.

DM : I'm flabbergasted......

B-J : Yes..... and I'm all through with you....... " Hey Ronnie ".....please escort this ex-member off the premises.....this AGM doesn't need smart arses like him sabotaging the show.......and so let's move on to the next item on the agenda ...... a long overdue motion to put committee officers on the club's executive payroll.....

BRIDGE FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.......... ( A really true story from Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few years ago I was playing in a Sunday league division 2 intercity match ( team of 8 ) away at York. With several other league matches also being played at the same venue , one of our pairs ended up as the N/S sitting pair at a solitary table, in a small room downstairs from the main playing area. They, of course , played the moving opponents throughout the whole afternoon, but in doing so were denied the opportunity of moving around themselves and enjoying a change of scenery.

At the end of match a disgruntled North approached our captain : " I want to register a complaint to the Yorkshire Bridge Association "

A concerned captain asked : " What on earth was the problem ? "

" Well ", he said, " We've been severely disadvantaged having to play in that room all the time ..."

" How come........was it too cold ? "

The reply was as swift as it was cutting. " As I was about to explain..... by being stuck in that room our scores suffered badly .....we were the only bloody pair not to be in a position to hear what was being said about the hands on the other tables ! "

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.......................

• Business double : often a very large whiskey to celebrate pulling off a superb contract
• Take a view : the process by which a decision can be reached without having to consider the evidence or determine the truth
• Vacant spaces : what usually lies between most bridge players' ears
• Half trick : an early withdrawal from congress
• Tap : a manner commonly used by players to persuade their partners to lend them some cash
• Tight : the term given to players who can't be "tapped "
• Analysis : a high level cognitive skill lost to the run-of-the-mill bridge player
• Control : what players fail to do with their anger and frustration , allowing their emotions to run riot instead

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FOOLPROOF GUIDE FOR TAKING OVER CLUB COMMITTEES......

Yes, it does seem odd .....why would anyone with a modicum of common sense want to be involved with club committees ? .......The posts supposedly offer no money, no kudos, no joy...... only numerous meetings where painful tedium becomes utterly suffocating ..... not to mention the regular volleys of verbal flak that comes from disgruntled members, who claim they never see anything in the way of positive outcomes.

Yet for me , being chairman of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, I wallow in the power and privileges that come from being in charge. And therefore as a favour to those who crave power, desperate to use it for their personal advantage, profit and gain, here is my ultimate guide on committee take-overs, and how to exercise and retain total control :

1. Gather together an inner circle of club members, preferably all your close relatives and reliable friends

2. Wait till either the present committee is in trouble , or when membership enthusiasm for AGM's is at an all time low

3. Collectively stand for election at the next AGM, ensuring that all key posts on the committee are specifically targeted

4. If in the rare event certain posts are being contested, then it is essential to recruit easily duped and gullible members to bolster your support base with their gerrymandered votes

5. Once elected, you will need to drive out rogue committee members who (a) are not willing to toe the line, or (b) are posing a serious threat, as for instance by showing dissent, challenging decisions, and informing members of what is really going on behind closed doors

6. Ensure that all committee meetings are held in secret, where only harmless sanitised details ever make their way into the published minutes

7. It is essential that the inner circle use dark corners and passageways to arrive at crucial decisions which then can be rubber stamped ( fait accompli style ) by the full committee later on

8. Always look after one another, because nepotism can only survive if there is a collective effort to protect any committee member, who is under attack for malpractice

9. Rely on misinformation and disinformation to confuse and confound critics

10. If in the event some nosey and enterprising members get close to the truth, you must use trumped up charges of disciplinary breaches in order to expel them

11. It is essential to tighten up the constitution and/or regulations straightaway, so as to provide the committee with carte blanche powers to do what it likes

12. Introduce a whole raft of zero tolerance policies , some of which will help promote an all out war against unwarranted criticism of the committee, its officers or members

13. Employ security personnel to restrict entry of members classed as undesirable, and to eject members whose behaviour on site has put them in the same despicable class

14. Shorten disciplinary hearings to instantly convened on-the-spot corridor discussions , lasting no more than 2 minutes before calling in security to carry out the sanctions imposed

15. Issue on a regular basis persuasive propaganda material that cleverly shifts the blame for the club's current troubles on opposition members, who are ideally suited to be used as scapegoats prior to their imminent removal

16. Strengthen your power base by replacing troublesome committee members with hard-core and easily brainwashed supporters

17. Remain in office as long as possible to ensure the habit of abusing power intensifies to an addictive level

18. Always look to use patronage, privileges and favouritism to reward those you would rather have on your side than in opposition

19. Keep convincing yourself that strong authoritarian leadership is what the club needs, and that democracy is a wishy washy old moded concept that achieves nothing

20. Build up sizeable slush funds in case bribery becomes the only way to silence whistleblowers, or in the event of a public relations disaster to hire specialist lawyers and/or contract killers

Indeed, I have been running the Slaughter House Bridge for several years now......and very successfully, I might add..... but I must confess that so much of the above comes from the wonderful teachings of Sir Francis Dashwood, whose Hellfire Bridge Club established a reputation that still continues to span the world even today , long after its sad demise when unknown arsonists decided enough was enough .

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................

Dear Rebecca,

Why is it my partner rounds on me for opening on an 11 count, and then several boards later he condemns me for not opening on a 10 count ? As a relative beginner I'm so confused......please help me.

Yours in a pickle, J.R.

....

Dear JR ,

Opening on minimum values is I'm afraid all down to judgement. There are no hard and fast rules you can apply. Common sense must prevail after weighing up one or more of the following factors....

- seat position

- who's vulnerable and who's not

- state of the match...... or whether averages or tops have now become a priority

- rule of 19 or the Zar point count

- partnership agreement ( eg. light openers in third position )

- importance of maintaining partnership trust and harmony

- trick potential in that QJ1098....Axx....Kxx....xx is far superior to Kxx...Kxx...Kxx...Jxxx

- need to provide partner with a safe lead against the opponent's contract

- how lucky you feel

- quality and class of your opponents

- how much faith and belief you have in " aggressive " bidding

- whether you have an obvious rebid available ( or not )

Indeed, there is much to think about and judgement often requires vision, experience and wisdom all working together. So yes. it is not an easy call but not to open on AKxxx...xx....K109x ...xx at any vulnerability would be a heinous crime.

Yours always a believer in getting one's bids in early, Rebecca

" Our club has a mission.....and that is to get rid of riff raff, tosspots and troublemakers "

" Oh dear.....I thought this club was all about playing bridge "

..

( THE LATEST UPDATE FROM A RECENT COMMITTEE MEETING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BRIDGE CLUB )

JOHNNY SUPREMO RISES TO THE CHALLENGE........

Many top players have questioned whether Johnny has what it takes to join their ranks. Well, after this exquisite demonstration of card skill the boot is now firmly on the other foot : have they got what it takes to stand alongside him.

Here was a hand where many of these top players lost the plot , but it only took Johnny 10 seconds to find the answer.

Opening 4H, Johnny's 8 point hand was : Jxx....AQJ10987........xx.....x

Partner's dummy hand was a rather useful : AQx...Kx..........Jxx.....xxxxx

On a diamond opening lead, Johnny could see three immediate losers and an near certain spade loser no matter who held the king. Even if the King was onside with the queen finesse holding, there was no way of making two more spades unless the LHO held Kx.

However, at the table Johnny claimed at trick 3, when he announced that if his LHO opponent held 4 clubs and the King of spades the contract was there ON A SQUEEZE.

Opponents' best defence was to take the first two diamonds and force declarer to ruff the third round in hand. Trick 4 involved conceding a club, with defender's best defence to play back a heart. Letting it run dummy's king , to set up the first club ruff. Back to dummy with the diamond finesse of the queen, for a second club ruff.

Now comes two rounds of hearts pulling opponents trumps.

Johnny with 3 cards play has 1H, and Jx of spades. Dummy is down to Ax of spades AND OF COURSE THAT PRECIOUS 4th CLUB. Not surprisingly, the distraught LHO is frantically looking for a white flag, holding Kx of spades and the master club. At trick 11 when the last heart is played......the contract was there for the taking.

What a man. What a player. What a genius.

" BAD

BRIDGE "

IS

THE

ONLY

MAGAZINE

THAT IS

PREPARED

TO

TELL

THE

TRUTH

...

...

...

( about the

truly shocking

things that

can happen to

bridge players )

TOP

EXPERTS

AGREE

THAT

"BAD

BRIDGE"

CAN

REALLY

HELP

BAD

PLAYERS

IMPROVE

THEIR

SCORES

( BUT NOT

THEIR

GAME ! )

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY APPEAL HEARING ( No.34 )

( Ivor Sharptongue was appealing against a 3 month suspension for foul mouthing opponents, who he believed were employing a coded signalling system by subtle placement of their bidding cards. Bizarrely, Bigot-Johnson offered his services to speak up on his behalf, with Ivor only too pleased to accept. A short extract from Bigot's highly persuasive speech appears below.)

" I put it to you....that any player can get angry....that is easy.......only to give another player a verbal telling off. But to do this in the right context, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way....is asking too much of any player who has got his dander up.

According to Plato........and who would argue with him.....wrongdoing is based on ognorance. This would suggest that a player could not deliberately, in full conscious knowledge, undertake a verbal bollocking of another, for that would be illogical: players generally.....and genuinely....seek what is good. The only explanation therefore is that an angry player commits an inappropriate, albeit aggressive act, without full knowledge of what that " good " is.

In contrast, Aristotle thought morality requires cultivating certain virtues and developing one's character.....what is termed virtue ethics. There aren't necessarily fixed notions of what is right and wrong in any particular situation, but rather that morality is a skill that we learn. Like all skills, of course, there are times when bridge players don't get it quite right ....even after years of practice !

Moreover, there are many things that influence the morality of an action. For instance, being selfless might commonly be seen as good, but it may not always be appropriate. If someone has a destructive drug habit, then generously gifting them money may not be the wisest thing. Similarly, by challenging and verbally confronting a soft-cheater or unethical opponent might at the time be perceived as being a good thing to do.

However, if the victim of the accusation has a sensitive disposition, convinced of their own inocence, or ignorant of their alleged wrongdoing, then giving them a stern lecture or verbal condemnation may not be the good way to about about expressing one's grievance. This is why TDs are always there to be called upon.

The problem is all too plain to see. How to keep emotions and instincts in check. Learning to bite one's tongue. Learning to hold one's tongue. If bridge players were to embrace Aristotle's philosophy, then they need to apply a rule of thumb approach. Since most inappropriate actions involve an imbalance of sorts......being too rash....too extravagant.....too honest and blunt....too critical......then moral actions need to strike a balance, finding that golden mean between opposites. Doing or saying nothing has no merits whatsoever , but striking that mean will depend upon the context of the situation. Speaking out requires a certain bravery which can either involve remaining calm under provocation, or rushing into battle alone. Sometimes ...even adopting the middle way may not turn out to be the good way, or the right approach....but it's sure as hell a reasonable place to start.

This poor man , I feel, is only guilty of choosing an action that was in hindsight a " bad " call .....he made a judgement on the spur of the moment which to him seemed correct and good. So let those..... who have never committed sins themselves while playing bridge .........cast Ivor out onto the street....... depriving the club of a man who is prepared to challenge and confront those guilty of soft cheating and unehical play. "

ANOTHER MIND BLOWING TWO MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON ( The radical and extrovert chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club )...............

Interviewer (I ) : I hear on the grapevine that you've nominated your club for the EBU's prestigious " most social and friendly bridge club of the year " award.

B-J : Yes....and why not......given all the hard work Reggie, Ronnie and I have put into bringing about a complete culture change . We were deeply committed to ridding the club of all those we consider anti-social, awkward and aggressive.

I : Well, just how many members have you got rid of ...?

B-J : Well over a 100...

I : So what members have you got left then ?

B-J : Just the committee and few new starters , who we managed to sign up last week

I: So tell me...how did you go about this brutal and bizarre form of cleansing.....?

B-J : Well, Ronnie and Reggie simply set about the process with the fierce determination of rabid rottweilers and the wild savagery of crazed cannibals

I : My God....so what did all this entail ?

B-J : Floggings, beatings, torture, incarceration, trial by ordeal, public humiliation, castration, damn good whippings, extreme forms of harrassment, character assassinations, and a whole load of other things involving long, sharp, pointy things....

I : Blimey....wouldn't it have been easier to close the club and start all over again ?

B-J : What ....and spoil their fun ? ......But seriously it was imperative to serve a warning on those who needed to toe the line

I : So how come that warning was not heeded, with dozens more getting same awful treatment before being permanently eliminated

B-J : The buggers started to protest bitterly about what we were doing.....so naturally the committee took the view their behaviour was totally unacceptable, extremely negative and very confrontational

I : Well, please correct if I'm wrong....but surely the kind of behaviour you were adopting was completely contradictory to your aims of creating a club atmosphere, where harmony prevailed, and where social and friendly relationships could be successfully nurtured ?

B-J : In my world the ends always justifiy the means....

I : Heavens above .... you could shag me with a rag man's trumpet....

B-J : Mmm....now that's something else Ronnie could add to his list of corrective measures

I : Oh my God....I'm done with you....I'm off

B-J : But what about my money ?

I : Get stuffed....

B-J : Wow....that's another great idea for Ronnie to consider.....he 'll be so grateful

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................

Dear Rebecca,

What the dickens does one do when partner opens 1S ( showing a 5 card major ) and you are looking at a motley 6 count ; x.....Jxxxx....Qxx....Kxxxx ?

What choices does one have ? " Pass " fearful of partner holding a ripping 19 count ? Or bid 1NT fearful of partner rebidding 2S, fully aware that the opponents could hold the majority of trumps ?

So then....what would an expert like you choose , and why ?

Yours always bemused , Ann Fretting

........

Dear Ann,

This hand is a straightforward 1NT response, for there is always the possibility partner might well have a 4 card D/H suit, which he/she will surely bid at the 2 level. And so what if 2S is the next bid you hear. If this is a field bid then most pairs will be in the same 5-1 trump fit.

Mind you we have a so called expert pair at our club who have developed an excellent sysem for dealing with this type of hand you describe. An instant 1NT response shows a hand with 2 spades, whereas a delayed " tank" 1NT reply flags up a singleton or void in spades.

If it is the latter , the opener can now show his lowest 4 lowest card suit by bidding quickly, and his lowest 3 card suit by entering the tank from his side. If responser hears 2C or 2H, then a much better spot has been found. If the lowest 3 card suit is diamonds, responder must bid a quick 2H showing five, or a slow 2H with just four. If the latter, then opener with only 2 hearts might well choose to go back to his spade suit.

Indeed, this system really does work very well, but only if you are a completely unethical player and all round toss pot.

Yours Rebecca " I love to expose low life cheating dogs " Rood