BRIDGE: SLOW PLAY.........PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI INVESTIGATES

• I have just read Carp's posting about slow players, and how irritating and frustrating these people are. Indeed, it is a sad and tragic consequence that other players are forced to suffer and endure their selfish and inconsiderate antics. Well, I have been doing some extensive research on slow players, and from my findings there are 6 categories in which slow players can be labelled. These are listed below:
• THE FAFFERS: these players are not slow players..............their crime is more to do with delaying the start of play, and disrupting the continuity of play. They inevitably arrive at the table late having been outside for a fag, a drink at the bar, a corridor discussion, a call of nature.....and so on. They spend an age greeting people, sorting their cards, getting themselves comfortable, asking questions about the opponent's' system cards, and of course their bidding, and always wanting an immediate postmortem after the play of each and every hand.
• THE INDECISIVE: Here slow play stems from the player's inability to make choices. two-way finesses result in countless to-ing and fro-ing from one option to the other. If a contract involves 3 or more alternative lines of play, the dilemma is such that whenever a final choice is made......then a period of reflection is required in which the decision can be revisited and reconsidered. Often, during moments of reflection, one of the other choices becomes more appealing, perhaps the better one....or may be not. Perhaps their first choice was right after all, but there again they could be wrong.....moreover, was there another line of play after all, which they have completely overlooked ?
• THE ANALYSTS: These slow players are cursed with an ability to analyse everything in depth. They considerate all their bids, the implications of such, and what their responses will be regards to partner's responses, and any opposition bidding. They consider the thousands of possible permutations that could unfold, before deciding on what is the best bid to make at that particular stage of the auction. At the start of play, they carefully consider the middle-game and end-game possibilities. Regarding themselves as intelligent, thoughtful, and rigorous in their approach to the game, they become completely oblivious to any thoughtless and selfish behaviour on their part. Their quest for perfection is their one and only concern.
• THE BLINDED RABBITS: These timid players are always overcome by a sense of overwhelming awe and dread, whenever partnering an expert, or up against an expert pairing. If partner is an unforgiving results merchant, then the fear factor rockets up. Frightened to do anything wrong or foolish, these players are in such a state of panic, they freeze whenever they are put on the spot to make a critical bid, or play of the cards. Like rabbits in the glare of spotlights, they seem unable to move. The longer the delay, the more they become aware of the reactions of others around the table. This added embarrassment makes the process of reaching a decision, and acting upon it, that much harder. Their inability to make any move whatsoever is often attributed to hefty weight of responsibility and expectation, which is unfairly placed upon their rather inadequate shoulders.
• THE PUDDING BRAINED: In every club they are always a sad group of players who were never blessed with any pentium-4 processors in the grey matter between their ears. What takes a nano-second for most players to work out, this hopeless bunch arrive at an answer several seconds later. Pathways inside their brains seem clogged up with treacle, restricting fast free-flowing processing of information. The proverbial penny always take an age to drop. They operate as fast as they can, but the reality is their brains tick over on just impulse power alone, when the demands of the game require warp factor 5 thinking and warp factor 6 conclusions.
• THE UNETHICAL: These players unbelievably adopt slow play as a legitimate albeit unnerving tactic, designed to frustrate the opponents into losing their focus, and rushing their play. They know that superior opponents if given less time for their deliberations will become more prone to error......especially if they try to make up the time lost. This unethical practice without doubt crosses over the line into the realms of soft cheating. Indeed it is a very subtle form of intimidation, making time-conscious opponents unsettled, resentful and edgy.

Therefore, given the vast differences between these types of slow players, there appears little hope in Carp's solution to the problem ever succeeding...... except perhaps in rare cases. So can anything be done about this problem ? Usual things like warnings and penalties may help to keep the problem in check, but everyone knows about leopards and their spots. Sadly, I haven't got the answer. But what I do know from my research is that many players ( quite understandably ) refuse to pair up with slow players: this means that slow players find themselves completely abandoned with only each other to play with ......and so the problem takes on a whole new frightening dimension.