SLOW BRIDGE PLAYERS :THE BIGGEST IRRITANT OF ALL ( Article by Carp ) I have to admit that these players do make my blood boil...................their selfishness often beggars belief. Wherever bridge is played these slowcoaches are there to ruin one's enjoyment of the game. So please let me quote you a short extract from an article by Bruce Mcintyre from Vancouver, Canada.

• "The biggest irritant in duplicate bridge, claimed a survey not too long ago, is not table rudeness, or complicated systems, or even anything to do with smoking......it is slow play. Many experienced local players who used to play frequently are seldom seen at clubs these days. Is it because they play rubber at home? Because they've lost interest? Because they feel no need to beat inferiors? Because they've lost touch with the latest conventions? No. It is because they haven't the patience to play club bridge anymore, because it's too damn slow. As a result, many club games are getting smaller. Once you lose the top end of your player base, the remaining members don't attend with anywhere near the frequency of the bridge-crazy addicts, and attendence goes slowly down. You can point to a lot of reasons why attendence is off, but the number-one turn off is following a pair who are slow every round, and ( if you are a sitting pair ) waiting for the boards as always from the slowcoaches next door to be completed and handed over ! "
• To a large extent I am in complete agreement with my Canadian soul-mate. I too cringe every time a slow player starts to ponder and ponder over every bid and play of the card, when it comes to their turn. Some of them go into the think-tank for so long, they appear comatose. For them, time seems to stand still, while the rest of us see minutes ticking away, and other tables packing up ready for the next move.
• So why is slow play such a major irritation ? Well, if you are unfortunate enough to be following a slow pair around the room, waiting for them to complete their boards and vacate their seats, then 30 minutes of your evening could be lost by these repeated bouts of waiting-around. Eventually, when you get to the table you and your opponents feel duty bound to catch up, which often means rushing bids and decisions with the risk of making mistakes. Yet what real purpose? For having caught up with the field, ready to move when the bell goes, what do you find?.....Yes you've guessed it......the slow pair in front still have a board to play. How can anyone enjoy their bridge in such frustrating circumstances? "
• Clubs in my opinion need to crack down on slow players in the same way as many clubs crack down on rudeness and bullies. I am all for clubs including slow play in their zero tolerance behaviour policies. However, my solution to this infernal problem is for clubs to single out the major offenders, and order them to attend a course of compulsory lessons ( instead of their normal duplicate nights ). This course of instruction would take the following format :
• Session 1. A review of the law of theft, and how slow players are no more than time theives. Students would be then conditioned to despise and loathe all those who commit theft, especially time bandits like themselves.
• Session 2. A thorough recap on maths division, with of course a focus on splitting time. Students will be given dozens of problems, where numbers are to be divided by 4. They then move onto dividing an allocation of time for 2/3 board rounds into 4 equal slots.
• Session 3. Time estimation. Students will receive training in gauging time accurately, even without a watch. They will learn how to recognise the precise moment when a certain time slot has expired.
• Session 4. Training in the art of speed bridge. Students will be expected to employ this skill ( of being able to make instant bids and play decisions ) especially when their own allocated time slots are all spent up.
• Session 5. Communication skills with the focus on making sincere humble verbal apolgies to partner and opponents, in the event ( god forbid ) of exceeding their personal allocation of time to bid and play the cards .
• Session 6. Communication skills with the focus on writing very effective begging and grovelling letters to club committees, in the event of being charged yet again with slow play.

It is my contention that all slow players must complete this course, and pass all the test papers set. Only after successful completion will they be allowed to return to the duplicate fold......hopefully as reformed characters. Players if necessary will have to resit test papers until they are successful. Under no circumstances can they be rehabilitated back into dulicate play without having obtained this clean bill of health.