BIGOT-JOHNSON'S TIPS FOR UNSETTLING OPPONENTS........(Guaranteed to put them off their game )

There are occasions when a little guile is needed to unsettle your more experienced and able opponents, if you are to achieve anything like half-decent results against them. Often these players have a long list of things that irritate or annoy them, which are usually associated with the bad habits displayed by the riff raff members of your club. But these horrible habits could be a godsend in giving you that competitive edge. So here a few you could develop:

• Fiddling and fingering the bidding box before finally getting around to making a bid
• Slow agonizing play on the first hand, which limits their thinking time to a bare minimum, especially on the last boards. If the last board can't be played...all the better....because let's face it an "awarded average" is a fine result
• Finger strumming on the table, preferably with a beat that is incongruous with the speed of play
• Heaving heavy sighs, which could double up as yawns
• Constantly revisiting your hand: fanning and re-fanning of the cards ( ad infinitum )
• Drinking and/or chewing gum while you ponder over the play
• Slowly pulling out a card to play, only to replace it and select another, only to replace that and make another choice, only to go back to the first card to start the process all over again
• When a card is eventually played, a card-snapping action needs to be employed ....in order to provide a sharp contrast to the comatose proceedings
• Spending oodles of time looking at the traveller, and discussing the results
• Criticising partner ( even if he/she has done nothing wrong ). Often this creates an unpleasant atmosphere around the table which is solely designed to unnerve the opponents even further
• Wafting your hand to and fro over the dummy's unplayed cards, when partner as declarer is pondering over which card to play
• When dummy, always nip off to the toilet and/or bar towards the end of the hand, ensuring that when you come back you've kept your opponents waiting for at least 2-3 minutes

As it happens, there are a dozen or more other things which could also peeve your opponents. But trust me when I say it is the above which guarantee good results against players, who would normally take you to the cleaners. It may seem highly unethical, but in bridge there is no room whatsoever for sentiment. Accept the reality that in every sport, including this one, loads of "dodgy stuff" goes on. I accept that cheating is unacceptable.....but having a few bad habits isn't quite the same.