BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.61... Bigot-Johnson had only just come back from suspension, when he inexplicably chose to throw a hand in a intercity match league match. The circumstances were considered grave enough for the committee to review the incident and make a ruling. A transcript of the hearing appears below:

• Chairman ( C ) : " Is it true Bigot that on the last board of an intercity match in which you were captain, you played a hand in 6 spades, where you contrived to go eleven off !! "
• B-J : " Yes.. "
• C : " Was it not the case that your other pair playing the same way as you also bid to 6S, and had no difficulty whatsoever in making the contract plus 1."
• B-J : " Yes..."
• C : " Could you explain for the benefit of this panel how, with top cards in every suit, and a trump holding of K963 opposite AJ852, you only managed to win one trick."
• B-J : " Easy.....when my LHO led out the jack and ten of clubs, I was able to duck these cards in one hand, while jettisoning top diamonds in the other ( where there was a void in clubs ) . This of course set up winners for the opponents in diamonds. As for the handling of the trumps, there was no problem. Later on, when an opponent played a diamond I was obliged to win, an astute defender ruffed in with her stiff queen of trumps. This enabled me to under-ruff with my jack. The opponent who started off with 3 spades to the 1074, eventually got round to playing that suit. The 10 swallowed my 9 and 8, the 7 swallowed my 6 and 5, and the 4 took care of my 3 and 2. Not surprisingly, I managed to the win the last trick twice over with my King and Ace of spades. "
• C : " Quite remarkable. In fact it's amazing to think that the opponents, who had nothing in the way of HCPs and 4 losing spades, then managed themselves to make a slam in spades......picking up instead +1100 in penalty points. However, did it not occur to you that you were playing bridge at the time.....not a game of solo in which you were aiming to make misere. What on earth possessed you to behave in such a frivolous way to the detriment of your team? "
• B-J : " Listen to me, you muppets. I had just sat through 3 eight-board sessions where all seven members of the team had been pressing self-destruct buttons left, right and centre. Opponents were being allowed to make impossible game contracts. Cold contracts our way were going down because of the bumbledog mentality of motley crew I was forced to include in my team. At the start of the last session we were already 189 imps down, staring at a 20-0 defeat no matter what trees we pulled up over the last few boards.
• C : " I can empathise a little with your frustration and disappontment, but that is still no excuse for what you did..."
• B-J : " Please allow me to finish.....I then had to suffer more dreadful bridge from partner, who as declarer was giving tricks away like the Easter bunny gives away chocolates. So I laid him into him good and proper. An ear-bashing like he's never had before. So then he said...rather sarcastically....when we had bid to 6S on the last hand..... ' Well maestro, let's see if you can do any better '......and so I took that as a challenge to better his ability to lob tricks away ." This was meant to be the ultimate demonstration on how not to play the cards."
• C : " Did it have the desired effect ? "
• B-J : " No......he didn't even spot where I was doing wrong, which illustrates what a total tosser he was."
• C : " Well, despite having some sympathy for you, I'm afraid that your behaviour was childish, petulent, and completely uncalled for.You owe it to the team and this club to do your best, and go down fighting. You embarrassed yourself and this club with such antics, and so I must suspend you again for another 3 month period. This should give you sufficient time to reflect upon your appalling behaviour, and to seek psychiatric help. Is there anything you would like to say ?
• B-J : " Bugger..."