DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER AT YOUR SERVICE................. Not many people know this but I am one of the world's leading astrologers. And so for the benefit of readers out there who like their bridge but also their horoscopes........ I am over the next few posts going to reveal to you..... what your star signs say about your bridge. Far too many players ridicule the notion that our star signs have an impact upon our lives....and upon our bridge results. But these people, by failing to heed the advice and wisdom laid down by the celestial gods, condemn themselves to missing out on lost opportunities, and solutions to their problems. They actually believe that their miserable fate at the bridge table has nothing at all to do with the stars..... laying blame elsewhere......on superstitions that are as ludicrous as they are absurd. " I must have got out of bed on the wrong side.....a black cat must have crossed my path....I should never have walked under that ladder"....are all pathetic statements we hear from disgruntled and demoralised losers. So take it me from me, old wives' tales and cranky superstitions play no part whatsoever in your results at the bridge table. Results are, in fact, solely determined by your star signs as this 6 part horoscope will surely reveal:

• Aries ( March 20th - April 19th ) : Not been doing so well lately? Well, has it not occurred to you that being a ram you cannot afford to partner players who have a sheepish attitude to bridge. Timid, stupid players who are forever the proverbial lambs to the slaughter. Players who constantly bleat on about their inadequacies, and are forever apologising. People you must select as partners are other horny rams, or better still, players that have real bite or a sting in their tail..... such as Leos, Scorpios, and even crabby Cancerians. So go out and forge partnerships with them. This means of course putting all your old weak woolly-headed partners out to grass permanently !
• Taurus ( April 20th - May 20 ) : If you're were destined to be a bull, then start behaving like one. Start seeing red, get snorting, make a few charges, and get the opposition running for their lives. Wreak havoc wherever you can. Treat all bridge rooms like china shops. Strut around the place with real menace. Do a lot of posturing, and loads of puffing.......and scraping of feet under the table. Indeed, if you fail to adopt this form of intimidation and aggressive posturing, the opposition will simply regain their cool, composure and confidence. This in turn will enable them to triumph over you yet again.................and do you really want that ?.