BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.71....... No surprise for the committee ( or anyone else for that matter ) to see Bigot-Johnson stroll into the room to respond to a complaint about his "coffee-housing" tactics in a recent club competition. The transcript of the hearing was as follows:

• Committee Chairman (CC) : " Did the alleged incident take place on board 19 ? "
• B-J : " I can't recall..."
• CC : " Well, allow me to remind you of the facts. You are in 3NT and the king of spades was the opening lead. In dummy you see 632...8532....AQ6....K62, opposite your A84....AK6....K842....A94. On top you have 8 certain winners: 1S, 2H, 3D, 2C. A ninth could come from the 4th heart if the suit breaks 3-3, or diamonds, if again the suits breaks evenly.
• B-J : " Yes, that was my analysis..."
• CC : " You correctly decided to duck the first spade noticing an honest East flag up his doubleton holding. At trick two you took the queen of spades with the Ace. Then in a manner more becoming of an actor pushing his claim for an Oscar, you cleverly gave the impression to West that you intended to play another card.........but inadvertently allowed your 3rd spade to drop onto the table face up. Putting on one of your sublime panic-stricken faces, you made an impassioned plea to retrieve the card.....knowing that West ( you has a real dislike for you ) would utterly refuse. This he did ....and never expecting ever to get back in again, it was not surprising to see him snatch the trick and seize this godsend opportunity to rattle off two more winners in the suit. His hand of course was: KQJ107....J9....73...QJ84. The consequence of taking these spade tricks was that his partner was subjected to an excruciating squeeze, having to discard ahead of you......and this enabled you to make all the remaining tricks."
• B-J : " Rather simple play, I thought....... but very sweet.....and extremely satisfying."
• CC : " So did you deliberately drop the that 3rd spade ? "
• B-J : " It fell out of my hand.....and that is all I can tell you. Can I help it if West is a total muppet ? How can I be held accountable for the subsequent carding decisions of my opponents ? "
• CC ; " Do you not accept that if you had played the 3rd spade in a knowing and deliberate way.......West might well have stopped to think: Why is declarer, who knows what he's doing, wanting to concede 3 spade tricks ? In these circumstances, he may have reasoned that by taking even one more spade trick, his partner was under pressure. We suspect that you did indeed coffee-house him in order to safely land this contract."
• B-J : " You are entitled to this opinion, but all I did was drop the card....... and then politely ask if I could play an alternative card, which I originally intended.......... Muppet head was given the choice.
• CC ; " Well, since suspicions alone cannot amount to proof, the complaint against you will now be dropped. However, if this particular set of circumstances ever repeats itself, you will be in serious trouble. You are in our opinion a very cunning and devious man, who knows every single coffee-housing trick going. Good-day."
• B-J : " What.....no suspension !.....Bugger me......you lot are as gullible as West......."