FEN BOY DECIDES TO TELL BIGOT A THING OR TWO......ON HOW TO REALLY MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF

Dear Bigot, I read your article with some interest, but down here in the Fens I have already established a reputation for myself.....which is second to none. In this backwater of England with its flat marshy plains, the bridge playing community know me as " Fen Boy ". I didn't need your advice on how to make a name for myself......I achieved that years ago doing it my way........the fen way ! So let me give you a lesson on how it can be done without resorting to any of your ludicrous, over-the-top suggestions. My tactics are simple but highly effective :

• Never keep your bidding within the point ranges stated on your system card. Prefer to open your hand with less than what your opponents expect.
• Open or overcall a spade irrespective of how many cards you have in that suit. Train partner to support spades by bidding no trumps at the lowest level.
• Always enquire every time an opponent opens a club to see if it is natural. If questioned about this say that (a) you did not see the alert or (b) there was no alert made.
• Whenever an opponent overcalls always ask if it could be on a 4 card suit....or better still if it is natural
• If you have nothing to say always hesitate for a long time before passing.
• After your bids rattle your fingers loudly on the table....until it is your turn to bid again.
• When an opponent makes a bid, no matter what the situation, ask if they have other bids available
• If you are at least half a board behind the play.....and you don't like your hand....excuse yourself for an urgent call of nature
• Whenever you play opponents using straightforward Acol, remember to ask them at all times if their bids have been natural.
• During the play of the hand ( the later the better ) ask for a review of the bidding. This works very well if you're already a board behind.
• When defending, and declarer seems to be concentrating very hard as to what to do next, pretend to look completely perplexed when he plays the next card. Query whether he was in hand, or in dummy, at that time. Then quickly apologise when it appears declarer was right.
• If opponents end up getting a bad score, comment on how wretched their luck is.
• Should you or your partner make a contract that should have been defeated, praise yourself or partner on how well the hand was played.
• In situations where opponents are arguing over a point of bidding (or play ), always agree with the one who is wrong.
• Whenever new opponents arrive at your table, remain them of how well you did last week.

So as far as I am concerned Bigot, you have much to learn from the master. Yours always in ascendency, Fen boy