Thursday, 24 December 2009

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2009) ( This case came before Sheffield Crown Court, but the precedent that was set now creates serious concern for all predatory bridge players. A summarised transcript of the trial proceedings appears below.)
  • Bigot-Johnson, you stand accused of repeated acts of daylight robbery at the bridge tables. How do you plead?
  • ( The accused stands up bracing himself before giving a reply.)
  • Not guilty....
  • Well, is it not true that all the alleged incidents took place during the day?
  • Yes, I can't deny that.....
  • Is it not also true that one of alleged victims queried on the afternoon in question...why the sun always shone out of your......
  • ( Desperate to make sure the statement was never completed, Bigot quickly interjected.)
  • what if he did?
  • You sir, are here to answer my questions....not the other way round. So to continue....the facts are irrefutable. On several occasions you obtained outright tops by various means. These centred upon a never ending barrage of weak overcalls, weak jump overcalls, pre-emptive weak two and weak three openers, psyches, light openers in 3rd position and countless deviations from what was on your system card......all against players who were relatively new to the game.
  • Yes, I did gain some fortuitous tops this way.
  • ( Gasps of disgust echoed around the public gallery. )
  • Does this not amount to daylight robbery?
  • Well, not exactly...
  • Allow me to came all those gifts which you greedily took, courtesy of some very naive, wayward, and clumsy bidding and play by several of the alleged victims........who were nothing more than absolute beginners.
  • So what.....taking gifts doesn't make me criminally liable....surely?
  • Sorry....but a simple analysis of the situation reveals that you set out to obtain these gifts, knowing full well that you were not entitled to benefit from any of them. So by choosing to deny them the opportunities to correct the errors of their ways....thereby handing these gifts back......your heartless omissions were therefore tantamount to theft by default.
  • ( More gasps from the gallery.)
  • Yes...yes...yes...but none of this adds up to robbery?
  • Or so you think......but now we come onto all those other crazy bids of yours. You chose to use a highly obscure and destructive bidding system.........both unfamiliar and utterly unintelligible to anyone new to the game. This resulted in many of your victims not really knowing what measures to take to counter so many artificial and alertable bids. Consequently, they were put into a state of fear and intimidation......and it is this factor which converts theft into robbery.
  • Well...if that how you want to see it ?.....
  • Yes, that exactly how I see it.....and by the look of all those approving nods from all those on the bench, that's how everyone else is seeing it.
  • Bugger.....

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