BRIDGE PLAYERS' SURVIVAL KIT..........SOMETHING THAT HAS LONG BEEN OVERDUE.......( Breath-taking, ground-breaking, outstanding article by Howard Bigot-Johnson ) Yes folks, if you care about others as much as yourself, you must tell them about this article. It is the proper and decent thing to do. And tell them to tell others, because what you are about to read may well save you ( and them ) from the torture and agony encountered within the competitive world of bridge. Yes, you know as well as me that big match arenas....... can be hell on earth. Far too many shell-shocked victims go limping away, determined never again to repeat the experience...........preferring instead to stay put in the safe havens and sanctuaries of their small super-friendly clubs. In such places peace treaties and pacifists are commonplace. But for the rest of us who enjoy the cut and thrust of heated encounters, we must recognise the fact that we too need some help in our quest to survive. So what I am suggesting is the revolutionary Bigot's Johnson Essential Survival Kit, containing the following twenty items........all of which are essential. Each item of course comes with a clear explanation of the precise circumstances in which it can be successfully employed:

• Prayer Mat ......for all those desperate moments when only God can save you from a pending disaster
• Ear Muffs.....guaranteed to block out partner's screams, and yells of derision
• Abacus ( 4 rows of 13 ) ....to assist you should you encounter moments of short-term memory loss
• Crash Helmet .......should you ever feel compelled to bang your head against a wall
• Powerful Antidepressants ......for emergency situations when you fast lose the will to live
• Smiling Face Mask ....for when it becomes impossible to show appreciation and warmth towards others
• Morphine Tablets .....to be taken when bad results really begin to hurt
• Flak Jacket .... in case any flak comes your way from an irate partner
• Muffle Cushion ....should you ever want to vent your frustration by screaming out loud
• Ice Pack ... to help cool you down should you get hot under the collar
• Ice Pick ..... to bury into whoever is causing you pain and grief
• Oxygen Tank ...for those inevitable moments when someone or something has taken your breath away
• Voodoo Doll ( with pins ) ..ideal way to deal with those you seek to inflict vengence upon
• Answer Book ....full of excuses to defend your actions, couched in unintelligible bridge gobbledegook
• Sudoku Book ....to occupy your mind, when players at your table " go into the tank "
• Will ( blank copy of ) .... in case item 5 ( see above ) fails to work
• Loaded Shotgun .....just for deterrent effect in case partner gets too nasty
• Matchsticks ....to help you stay away should slow players send you to sleep ( and you can't do sudoku )
• Crime Sheet ( spare copy ) ..... this will please partner if you fill it out on yourself saving him time and effort
• Alcohol Flask ( minimum 20% proof ) ....guaranteed to drain your sorrows