HOW TO BE SMART AT BRIDGE..........................................................( By Bigot-Johnson ) Contrary to my usual policy of kidding around, this is going to be a very serious and useful article. There are.....let's face it......only a few of us who are able to play bridge well, gobsmacked at the fact that the majority can't. In reality, the world of bridge has always been a pretty dumb place, with only a handful of players in each and every club who could be described as smart. To foolishly say that bridge clubs by and large are overwhelmed with dumb players is not the purpose of this article. To help the vast numbers of dumb players, who are out there desperate to be smart, is exactly what this article is all about. And with smartness in a minority, it's odds-on that you are one of those in need of help......especially, since you're reading this post. So cheer up....for you are only seconds away from discovering how to become smart at bridge. All you need to do is follow my advice to the letter. For instance, what makes a bridge player smart ? Is it because he thinks he's smart ? Naah ! Every goddamn bridge player likes to think that. So that doesn't count at all. What makes a player smart is when other players think they're smart. So should they see you arrive at the table looking smart, then automatically they will think you are smart. The point I'm making here is quite simple and logical.......it's how you look and act that makes them think you're smart. Once they believe in your smartness......then so will you.

BIGOT'S TEN STEPS TO BECOMING SMART:

1. Always wear reading glasses even if you don't need to. These will give people the impression that you are widely read, and therefore highly knowledgeable.
2. Discretely wear a "Mensa" badge, hoping enough people will take notice of it and be duly impressed. It matters not a jot if you have to steal one or forge one.
3. For men only....it certainly helps to have a well-trimmed goaty beard. Wearing a white shirt with cuff-links on the sleeves, under a bespoke dark jacket also helps to give the right impression. For women, it is essential to wear a white blouse, plain coloured recently purchased knee-length skirt, with colour co-ordinated shoes and matching handbag. Hair must be tied back, preferably in a bun.
4. Make sure when you sit, you are both upright and still. Because sitting is important in standing out. Moreover, outstanding sitting with sit you in good standing.
5. Slip into your conversation big words, and philosophical insights and observations. This ensures that meaningless conversation is elevated to intelligent meaningless conversation.
6. Cultivate a withering sneer.
7. Endeavour to be a little quirky, eccentric and/or witty, which are all characteristics associated with genius.
8. Develop a personal aura, which conveys a clear message that you are cultured, stylish and sophisticated.
9. Always stay aloof........ but never fail to be polite.
10. Look as though you are always thinking in a calm and collected way, even when your mind is empty or is in a state of complete confusion and panic.