MAKING A NAME FOR YOURSELF.........THE BIGOT-JOHNSON WAY Let's for pity's sake stand up for once and face the truth.......you play bridge at your club but you remain a nobody. One of the faceless ones who play in duplicate events and club competitions just to make up the numbers. But not anymore...... for help is now at hand to get you recognised..... to get you a reputation, which is clearly long overdue. In my club I am a legend......my reputation is with doubt staggering......and believe you me, when it comes to making a name for myself I 've done it big time. So follow these instructions to the letter, and within months you'll be the most talked about person in your club :

• When declarer, pick up your cards quickly, and get a bid down on the table so fast, the opponents have yet to sort their cards. Then start to look impatient......
• Bring some gum along to help you concentrate. Make sure you develop a chewing action in keeping with farmyard animals, especially cows.
• As declarer randomly lead from your own hand or dummy as you see fit.
• Fidget around in your seat like someone who has just had an unfortunate accident.
• At all times during the play, never hurry or even attempt to. Appear to be preoccupied by other things. Develop a habit of day-dreaming.
• When defending, be prepared to interrupt the play of the cards by chatting to partner. Always have it in your mind that the social aspect of the game takes priority.
• Never bother or waste time trying to remember the rules of play. Just do your own thing, and leave it to the TD to sort out any inadvertent breaches the opponents query.
• As declarer, claim as soon as you reach that point it becomes boring to play on.
• Should the opponents make a mistake, or hand you a gift, remember to smirk rather than smile
• Walk around the table whenever you are dummy, making sure to glance down at the opponents' cards. Use facial gestures to show shock, surprise or pleasure as you do so.
• During the play ask partner why he didn't return your lead. This will remind him to lead it the next time he's in.
• Constantly moan, groan and sigh whenever partner is playing the contract. Provide instant feedback on his declarer play rather than waiting till the end of the hand.
• Every so often psyche on several boards in a row, because even partner won't suspect you'll be stupid enough to try another on "the next one" .
• Regularly ask what trumps are....or what the contract is....if only to feign a moderate interest in what is going on.
• Before playing a card, keep the opposition waiting by half-pulling out several cards ( and then pushing them back ) during your protracted deliberations. But always make sure you eventually play the one you selected first.