BIGOT GETS HIS PRIORITIES RIGHT.......... ( Article as published in a recent EBU magazine )

Strange things happen at bridge clubs as evidenced by an incident at the Slaughter House BC a few days ago.

Bigot-Johnson, the self-appointed chairman of the club, was forced to play with a relative beginner named Horatio Hogworth, because his regular partner had deliberately shot himself in the leg. He had decided that losing the ability to walk was preferable to another night of ego sapping insults and verbal threats.

However, Bigot's replacement was an even more sensitive individual, who had only just recovered from a serious mental breakdown. Foolishly returning to war zone of the bridge battlefield too soon , it transpired that one little upset plunged him back into a world of deep depression and despair.

This happened 5 minutes into the session, when Bigot blew his stack after his errant partner failed to make a killing switch, which would have given them a certain top. Within seconds of the thunderous outburst, an acute anxiety and panic attack ensued with near fatal consequences. Horatio, utterly distraught and clearly in great distress, rose up from his seat and whispered in Bigot's ear : " I'm going upstairs and onto the roof....where I intend to compose myself for a few minutes before jumping off...... Don't bother pleading with me to stay at the table........my mind is made up ". And in a flash, he headed off towards the attic stairs.

Bigot looked shell-shocked, and suitably sombre when he felt obliged to tell his opponents about his partner-less status, and what words had been said.

" What on earth are you going to do ? " came the concerned reply.

Bigot didn't bat an eyelid : " I think the stand-by is still downstairs....he can sit in and take his place . We've already got one table with a sit-out pair ...........so we can't afford another ! "

Then, just the next round was about to be called, a loud distant thud was heard ( but ignored ) by all. As it happened, something rather heavy had crashed onto the roof of a the chairman's brand new volvo. However, it was only when the duplicate had finished did a member inform Bigot about this wanton and malicious damage to his car . That was, of course, before he finally mentioned that the person responsible was still " hanging around " in the car park area ..........looking " none too good and rather pastey " .

BRIDGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE...... ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Not so long ago I was kibitzing the knock-out final of a team-of-4 competition run by our local league group. At the table emotions were running high. and in the pressure cooker atmosphere partnership harmony was severely under threat. One player in particular could not refrain himself from " getting at " his partner, subjecting the poor man to a barrage of criticism and vitriolic rebuke. The haranguing and harassment was unrelenting.

Eventually, one of the other kibitzers decided he had heard enough, and that words needed to be said to the perpetrator : " Christ man......I once told my partner that he was a nasty piece of work, hell bent on making my life a misery......but having seen you in action ......I now feel I owe him an apology ! "

Amazingly, this timely interjection had the immediate effect of keeping the perpetrator quiet for the rest of the match.

Amazingly , his reprieved partner began to play some inspired ( and as it turned out ) match-winning bridge.

BRIDGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE....... ( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

In a team of 4 league match the other night, one home pair was having a really torrid time. The weaker player was thankfully partnering someone renown for being very disciplined, cool and calm. Board after board the weak link fouled up big time , but directly opposite sat a man who held his composure and temper with great dignity and control.

Strangely, it was one of the opponents who felt obliged to say something on his behalf. Turning towards the hapless bumbledog, after yet another unforgivable mistake by him in defence, he sarcastically asked : " Tell me, how long did it take you to learn to play bridge so badly ? "

The poor man seemed initially lost for words, but after a few seconds of careful thought he answered the question, with such candid honestly I couldn't help but be impressed. His reply was as commendable as it was breath-taking : " Sir.....I guess it's been the countless weeks I have chosen to ignore good advice, and neglect essential reading, on important matters of bridge............ which I suppose matches the number of years I have been in complete self- denial ".

After that, no further conversation took place between the players until the match was over.

BIGOT'S GREATEST COURT TRIUMPH : AS RECORDED IN THE ALL ENGLAND LAW REPORTS No. 666 ( R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON )

( Bigot-Johnson had been taken down to the old Bailey charged with the murder of Binky Bowles, who had sneaked onto the accused's property in an attempt to retrieve a trophy, which he claimed belonged to him. Bigot had originally been awarded the trophy, but when cheating allegations surfaced, he was instructed to hand the trophy over to the newly declared winners, Binky and his partner. Bigot not surprisingly rejected these claims of cheating, and refused to part with the silverware he so dearly cherished. Binky, however, foolishly decided to resolve the matter himself, by utilising the skills taught to him by his father, a master burglar. Bigot of course decided defend himself , and an extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Prosecutor ( P ) : You Bigot are nothing more than a cold blooded killer...... and the evidence against you is overwhelming

B-J : So what if I killed a low-life burglar. And what a good thing too ! If I had half a chance to kill another burglar,then I would take it without hesitation. How would a ponced up, wig-wearing, batman take-off like you react, if some thieving blaggard crept onto your property to steal a valuable possession ? What would you do against such a beast-boy ?

P : Can I remind you that this man only came to retrieve a trophy that belonged to him.

B-J : How was I to know what his evil intentions were. He could have been after my blood.....or after my good lady wife ,who would willingly give anybody the time of day if they had lustful or amorous intentions.

P : You sir...... are a rotter and a scoundrel

B-J : Keep your foul-mouthed opinions to yourself and get on with the case.....I haven't got all day to listen to your insults and rants

P : Alright then....so please tell the court your version of the events

B-J : Well, this man....who turned out to be Binky.....approached the house in a menacing way....so I fired a couple of warning shots

P : But the body was found with 8 bullets in his back....

B-J : Yes I know..... but my aim was bad...and he was walking backwards towards the house in an attempt to conceal his face. I acted in self-defence ...you see.... he was carrying a long thin metal object in his hand

P : Is that the sum total of your pitiful defence ?

B-J: No....I believe this court needs to know that as a child I was abandoned by my parents, after which I soon found myself as part of a gang at the local orphanage. In the early years I was regularly coshed and abused by the senior gang members, but later on......when the boot was on the other foot, I made sure the new recruits got the same treatment from me. Inevitably, I was transferred to a remand school where the matron ......who took an instant dislike to me......once locked me up in a cockroach infested cupboard for 36 hours. I've never been the same since.

Judge : Yes...yes...I remember a case where the accused inflicted severe injuries upon a frail old lady during a botched-up high street robbery. His father said " at the age of 14 he fell out of a tree, and since then he's been a different boy ".

P : So it now seems that the court can either treat you as a pathological case ....or a psychological misfit ?

B-J : I prefer the term " psychologically damaged "

Judge : That is so sad....you poor poor man

P : Excuse me...the poor man was the one who died, simply because he wanted the trophy that was his by right. Moreover, I don't recall Bigot ever giving Binky any warnings to stop ....before opening fire.

B-J : Oh yes I did....I told the trespassing bastard : " Hey Binky....you step another foot forwards and you're gonna get it ". So when he did put a foot forwards I felt duty bound to open fire.

P : But that would mean he was heading back towards the boundary fence.......

Judge : I'm not concerned about which direction he was heading..... the fact remains that Binky blatantly ignored the order to stop, forcing Bigot to take decisive action. And it has always been my view that honest citizens must use whatever force they consider necessary ( using whatever weapons come to hand ) to stop any threat that is growing by the second. Therefore, I will directing the jury to acquit the accused on the grounds of justifiable homicide.

B-J : Well, thank you your honour......

Judge : Now make sure that cheque is in the post by tomorrow......

B-J : Bugger....I was hoping you would give me at least a week's grace

ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE ON BRIDGE....... ( An article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge auctions start from a randomised array of opening bids. However, what follows is entirely free from uncontrollable randomising eventualities. One pair at the table will certainly assume or wrestle control from the other.

Each player, only blessed with perfect knowledge of his/her hand, strives to form a picture of what the other three around the table might be holding . The auction therefore proceeds on the basis of " past imperfect information ".

Clearly, the skill of any declarer in bridge consists in deducing or inferring the lie of the cards in the other players' hands, initially by means of the auction, and subsequently by playing the cards in such a way as to uncover existing information in time, in order to take advantage of it. This means in effect that once the auction is over, the game moves on from a position of imperfect information to one of information perfecting.

Expert players distinguish themselves from the rest in that they operate with near perfect information as opposed to imperfect information. The expert player's view of the unseen hands is so comprehensive and complete, it is no surprise that they triumph over those whose knowledge of the unseen hands is imperfect, uncertain and fragmented.

Indeed, average players feel " lucky " when a finesse comes off, whereas the expert takes the finesse often with the sure knowledge it will be successful. Should the expert know that it is doomed to fail, alternative lines of play are then considered before one is put into action. Many commentators claim that experts have that gift of institution because they always seem to arrive at the correct decisions, but they are wrong. Although much emphasis is place on their intrinsic power of analysis, the real secret of their success lies upon their store of structured knowledge. Not only do they recall every particular detail of the hand in play, but they also tap into a store of knowledge based on past experience of hands similar in nature and layout.

A weaker player confronted with a difficult problem might well go into the tank, contemplating what to do for the best, but usually failing to recognise the right way to continue, whereas the player with the store of structured knowledge spots the right play immediately. Not only is the store extensively filled but retrieval is fast and efficient, such is his/her well organised system of neural connections.

At this point, one needs to look at a theory called " information chunking ", an innate ability which all top class bridge players seem to possess. They employ mind models based on meaningful patterns called " chunks ". This enables them to manipulate vast amounts of stored information in a very structured way. Mere mortals may have the same information available to them, but because their cluttered minds resemble one huge garbage tip, the strain of sifting through the scattered debris for nuggets of wisdom becomes too much. At the table it is easier for them to guess.

Therefore, in conclusion, bridge experts seem to possess a special attribute, which is over and above an ability to store structured knowledge and to reason by deductive analysis solutions to tricky problems . This other gift is known as creative intelligence, with thoroughly embraces the concept of synthesis. They build and construct from all the component pieces of past and present knowledge, table presence and experience, a detailed picture of the "situation" at the table........ which provides them with crucial answers to all the essential questions.

GENTLEMEN BRIDGE PLAYERS : A DYING BREED ....... ( An article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Within the ageing membership of bridge clubs worldwide, wisdom and calm reflection are two human characteristics very much in short supply. The game has become, like so many other major sports, brutal and aggressive, where clinical, ruthless efficiency takes precedence over relaxed enjoyment and friendly rivalry.

Gentleman bridge players, tragic as it seems, have been consigned to the past, in order to make way for the ambitious, arrogant, win-at-all-costs, results merchants of today. To some extent the game has lost its refined charm, although its inherent mental challenge and appeal remains as strong as ever.

So what qualities and characteristics are missing from the modern day alley cat bridge players ? Certainly there appears to be the absence of politeness, clean language, restraint, forgiveness, and respect for those in authority. But there are many other aspects to being a perfect gentleman, which every male player needs to address and take on board :

- knowing when to speak and what to say

- keeping private thoughts private

- never making, or responding to, provocative remarks

- nipping potentially awkward situations in the bud that could well lead to unpleasant altercations

- being a good listener

- offering advice only when asked

- keeping quiet when opponents have gifted tops

- never choosing to gloat, smirk or act in a smug or patronising way

- taking constructive criticism with an open mind

- remaining calm and dignified even when questionable TD decisions go the way of the opponents

- never talking just for the sake of it

- refraining from unnecessary post mortems and highfalutin bridge techno-babble

- always treating partner with the utmost respect

- congratulating opponents who have played exceptionally well

- keeping bridge in perspective ( as a social and friendly game )

- looking the part, by dressing up with a sense of occasion

- taking on the role of table host if others choose to decline

- taking defeat graciously

- taking victory with humility

- giving partner the credit he/she deserves

So unless a massive culture change takes place over the next few years, I'm afraid that rare breed of gentlemen bridge players will become extinct, to join the ranks of so many other disappearing species on this polluted planet of ours. Bridge will always be a beautiful game........ so please, let's have beautiful people playing it.

NEW BRIDGE BOOKS JUST ABOUT TO BE RELEASED : SHORT REVIEWS BY PUN

• Getting Across To Partner Your Displeasure And Disapproval........by Hugh Grunt is a hard hitting book that expertly explores the body language used by players in established partnerships. The author quotes hundreds of examples where players pick up a sense of what suit " not to continue " , by the subtle and not so subtle, gestures and facial expressions of their agitated partners.
• That Silverware Belongs To Me.......by Andy Tover is a shocking and disturbing account of how a player was cheated out of trophy by their nearest challengers. They were a pair renown for their wealth and extremely unethical antics, who had somehow bamboozled an appeals committee into adjusting two scores their way, converting complete bottoms into galactic tops. This enabled them to sneak into first place. The author goes on to explain how these cheating dogs had used their sphere of influence over their long standing buddies on the appeals committee, and how bulging brown paper envelopes still had a huge role to play in the process.
• I Know How The ACBL Can Make Bridge Popular Again.....by Aida Nadir offers a radical approach to the way bridge can be promoted and advertised as the most exciting game on earth. This requires the ACBL to fund a batch of action packed movies, all with big name celebrity film stars, where the setting is a world full of intrigue, murder and mayhem. A world of bridge in fact. By propelling bridge into this new "exciting " realm , many film goers might well try out their local bridge club, simply to experience the thrills of avoiding flying bridgemates, along with all the other flak that ensues from fierce encounters between warring players.
• Why Some Men Only Partner Women.....by Homer Fobick is a reactionary book against the rising popularity of gay and lesbian bridge clubs. The author, renown for his bigotry and strict religious beliefs, is very opposed to same gender partnerships, desperate to see bridge return to the good old days of husband and wife partnerships. Always suspicious of ulterior motives when men play together, he makes it a habit of reporting to TDs and committees alike, every single incident when an all male pair wander off to the toilet ( one behind the other ).

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED...............

• Trick : what Bigot-Johnson likes to play on his arch -rival, Percy Pantopod
• Red : the colour a player sees when falling victim to a trick
• Huddle : a small tight circle which overly smug, celebrating bastards get themselves into, in order to draw the attention to themselves regarding their fortuitous win
• Drive out : the main objective of any committee hell bent of ridding the club of its troublesome members
• Etiquette : a completely out-dated and out-moded code of conduct, readily forgotten and abandoned by modern day, win-at-all-costs, players
• Average : the skill level of 98% of all bridge players
• Leap : a punt of a bid which average bridge players tend to take ( in the dark ), being unable to bid games or slams in an expert or scientific way
• Vacant space : what neuro-scientists have discovered inside the heads of most average players

THE NO-WAY BC SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING ( No. 37 )

( Many years ago Bigot-Johnson found himself kicked out of yet another bridge club, within months of having wormed his way in. This time, his misdemeanour concerned inappropriate dress. Despite the club having nothing in their constitution or regulations as to what constituted " acceptable dress ", the committee hit upon an ingenious and novel way of dealing with the problem, as revealed by the following extract from the hearing's transcript. )

Chairman(C): Bigot-Johnson, we are terminating your membership...... as of today

B-J : You can't do that !!

C : We just have.....

B-J : But on what grounds ? Heavens above..... I paid for all the dental work carried out on my partner's teeth, after inadvertently hitting him with a misdirected throw of a bridgemate

C : Yes, I'm well aware of that unfortunate incident.....but your sin.....to put it mildly.....relates to you being a blot on the landscape of this beautiful club of ours. You come here....week after week....dressed up in black flared trousers, a stripey-hooped T-shirt, and a mariner's hat, sporting that hideous big black moustache. Initially, members treated you as a joke, but now they can't look at you without feeling the need to vomit.....

B-J : Excuse me....this outfit of mine is a statement of who I am

C : Well, it's a statement that makes you look ridiculous.........like an 18th century french mariner who's several cards short of a pack......or a half-witted french onion seller who's completely unaware he has lost his vegetables

B-J : But what's wrong with dressing up like that ? I don't recall the club having a dress code of any kind ?

C : We don't .......but in this situation we don't need one. Under civil law your appearance constitutes a public nuisance, by virtue of being an eyesore. You're repugnant to look at......a repulsive apparition that blights the interior beauty of our lovely little club.

B-J : Your kidding me ?

C : I'm afraid not.....the law of the land defines nuisance as the unlawful interference with the peaceful enjoyment of one's properly. Your continued sightings at this club cause our members to get uptight and to suffer unduly....... thereby depriving them of an enjoyable night of bridge. In order to protect them, we are obliged to revoke your membership.

B-J : Well, don't think for a minute I'm going to leave this place without a fight. I'm straight off to see my solicitors...... Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel

C : Oh....so you intend to go to court then ?...... Well, bring it on

B-J : I will indeed......you stupid buggers

( And on that note Bigot-Johnson waltzed out of the club with a swagger to his gait. However, when it came to the court case he made the dreadful mistake of turning up as that half-witted french onion seller. Naturally the case ended even before it started, with the judge sending him down for contempt of court. )

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH OFFER THE BEST ADVICE IN THE WORLD...... ( Research by Pun )

• If Lady Luck Decides To Turn Her Back On You.....Gwnn Ann Bearitt
• Duplicate Bridge Always Offers A Cheap Night Out.... .Penny Pincher
• Why Bother Climbing The Walls Over A Few Bad Boards......Ivy Plant
• If At First You Don't Succeed, Try Try Again................Getty Trite
• In Defeat, It's Best To Apportion Blame............Cher Ann Sharalike
• Read Bigot-Johnson's Blogs If You Like Crudity.......Ray C. Foreshaw
• Listen Partner, Nothing Good Comes From Arguing......Xavier Breth
• If You Want To Win, Give Your Useless Partner The Boot.....Eve Hoe
• Why Not Turn Bridge Into A Full Time Job....................Ernie Levin
• If Your Partner's Crap, Then Tell Him The Truth.......Ruth Lesley Blunt

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2011 )

( For the umpteenth time Bigot-Johnson was hauled before a Crown Court judge. The courtroom was packed with members from the Walnut tree Allotment BC, all eager to see him go down, just like they do whenever he's declarer in a doubled contract. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Prosecutor ( P ) : Bigot-Johnson....you are charged with thieving on such a scale your soul must already be earmarked for damnation

B-J : But...but....these allegations are both false and malicious. I may be a monstrous bigot but I'm not a thief. Anyway, I want to know which bastards are responsible for these outrageous accusations.

P : All the members of your bridge club......those smiling people up there in the galleries

B-J : What ! Those whinging, whining toe rags.....I swear to God they are out to get me. Not only do they speak with forked tongues ..... most of them being of dirty brown colour.........but they talk absolute crap.

P : That may well be your opinion of them, but I beg to differ. Anyway, let's review the law before looking at the facts. Theft is defined as the dishonest appropriation of property belonging to another with the intention to permanent deprive.......

B-J : Yes...yes....but what is it I've been accused of stealing ?

P : Well, there has been several reported incidents of you stealing contracts right underneath the opponents' noses. Not content with doing that......you then try to steal tricks whenever, and wherever, you can.......especially from pairs of unsuspecting numpties.

B-J : Yes...yes...but these terms are nothing more than colloquialisms......without any legal substance to their meanings. So please tell me...... what property has allegedly been stolen ?

P : May I remind you that " property " is not necessarily related to tangible objects......just things of value. Contracts and tricks are of immense value to your opponents, and for you to wrongfully take possession of these things makes you criminally liable. Your devious bids and deceptive play have clearly established the mens rea of dishonest intent.

B-J : Oh.....

P : Moreover, you have repeatedly boasted about your thieving exploits to all and sundry in the bar...... confessions ...in effect..... about picking the opponents' pockets , and getting away with daylight robbery. Heinous crimes that club members feel very upset about.

B-J : Is that it ?

P : No...... there's more ...

Judge : Surely not.....

P : I'm afraid so....you have been seen on numerous occasions stealing glances at the opponents' cards.........stealing a march on your opponents.........stealing their thunder.......and worse still.....forever striving to steal the show.......... such is your desperation for glory and fame. You sir are a thief.......a pilferer.......a pillager......a plunderer.......someone who deserves to be banged up for a long time !

Judge : Rely on me to see to that.....

B-J : Well, I'll be buggered....

Judge : Yes, indeed you will.....because where you're going...... you can expect that to become a reality

EVERY BRIDGE CLUB HAS ONE .......UNFORTUNATELY....... ( Article by Carp )

Make no mistake there isn't a bridge in this world that isn't blighted by the presence of a smart alec. Infact in some clubs they are in the ascendency.

So for all those who need a reminder as to what a smart alec is, then dwell upon this definition : " someone who is self-assured to the point of impudence, offensively cocky ". Therefore it appears there should be no problem whatsoever in recognising them.

The full blown smart alec is indeed the proverbial " clever dick " . They are uncomfortable to be around. They are difficult to handle , stretching your patience and tolerance to the limit.

These players need to be dealt with before their problem really gets out of control, but this means spotting the early signs of a smart alec in the making..........and acting quickly ! So here are the 4 tell-tale signs of a budding smart alec, which should raise the alarm bells :

1. The Comedian. Some bridge players love to be the joker in the pack , seeking attention wherever they go. They will always be joking and full of comebacks. It may be acceptable to laugh with them if the jokes are appropriate and funny, but it is fatal to do the same if the jokes are in poor taste, or darn right insulting of others........which is usually the case.

2. The Copy Cat. Smart alecs in the making will strive to be like the resident role model within the club. Even though the role model ( usually male ) is the paragon of unwanted preaching, hypocrisy and bluster, he still tends to inspire his disciples to copy everything he does. Naturally, they become prone to making the same faux pas and mistakes as the grand master, but all this is deemed excusable in the quest to be witty and humorous. No matter what concerns you may express, the smart alec will resort to a well established evasive manouevre : turn everything into a joke.

3. The Smug Grin. The most obvious giveaway of a smart alec is that hideous grin on his puffed-up irritating face. The smug smile that comes when you go down in a contract by virtue of his inspired but flukey opening lead. Whenever things go their way at the table, the smug grin becomes unmistakable, and inevitably it is followed by a retort of some kind, designed to leave you speechless and looking foolish.

4. Bluntness. The smart alec bridge players all tend to develop a habit of being painfully blunt, but these hard hitting words will of course be dressed up as wisecracks or jokes. Therefore, under no circumstances whatsoever should this behaviour be encouraged, say for instance by asking them for an opinion on your choice of bid or line of play. Moreover, it is far better to hold your post mortems well away from them, as they have a tendency to butt into any conversations with their sarcastic insults and criticisms.

So if you see a player who is aspiring to become another smart alec, please remember he is not necessarily a bad person.......but certainly one who will give you a bad experience. So if you can't get him to change his ways, endeavour to avoid him at all costs.

SLAM HANDS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS...............SAYS JOHNNY SUPREMO

An old friend of mine told me about a hand when he ended up in 6D. The king of hearts was led.

Dummy came down with : AKJxx......xxx.........x..........A10xx

His hand as declarer was : xx...........Ax.......AKJ10xxx......Kx

With 11 tricks for certain, what was his best line to secure that elusive twelfth trick ? He figured there were four options :

• Do you take the first trick with the Ace and go for an early diamond finesse, knowing that if it loses the contract is one off ?
• Do you play the AK of diamonds hoping to see the queen fall, but still needing to see a 3-2 break if it doesn't ? Because then, if you take a successful spade finesse on the second round of the suit, you can pitch your losing heart on the third round of spades, quite content for any defender holding the outstanding diamond queen to ruff in.
• As above but instead of taking the spade finesse, do you play the AK of spades from the top ? Either the queen falls, or it can be ruffed out on the play of a low spade from dummy if the suit breaks 3-3. Now dummy can be entered with the Ace of clubs for the heart discard on the established jack of spades.
• Or, if the opponents are known to be playing honest distributional signals, do you try your luck on clubs ? Lay down the king of clubs, and if an honour appears on your right and your LHO shows an odd number, complete the dropping of the RHO's doubleton QJ ( but only after cashing AK of diamonds before doing so ). If your LHO produces an honour with your RHO opponent showing an odd number, then it doesn't cost at all to lead up to the Ace of clubs in dummy after cashing AK of diamonds first. However if defenders indicate a 4-3 split in the club suit, it now requires declarer to revert back to a spade or diamond finesse.

Perhaps there are other possible lines, some of which include other variations to " combine " options, thereby increasing declarer's overall percentage chance of success. Who knows. Nevertheless, this is a very instructive hand requiring declarers to evaluate their options seriously, because nothing is worse than going off in a slam which can make on a more obvious but superior line.

HOW TO BECOME A BETTER BRIDGE PLAYER..... ( Article by Carp )

Far too many bridge experts have written books making wild claims that bridge is an "easy game ", and that everyone has " the potential " to become an expert like themselves. Well, what a load of crap ! Bridge is such a difficult and challenging game that only the chosen few with discipline, talent and flair have ever gone on to achieve renown and recognition for their triumphs. The rest of us just make up the numbers , swimming around like fish in a barrel while waiting to be shot.

But hey, all that shouldn't stop you becoming a "better " player in other respects. Better at coping with defeat, harassment, hapless partners and unfriendly opponents. Better at coping with your own negative emotions and hang-ups. Better at getting more enjoyment and satisfaction out of the game. Better at staying positive and up-beat about your modest abilities.

This means adopting a particular philosophy on bridge, which will help you develop the right frame of mind for all bridge occasions. And so for all you who desperately need help in this department, here are a few pearls of wisdom you should never ignore .......especially if you want to become a better player :

• Never test the depth of the shark invested waters with both feet
• Remember, you're always capable of becoming an average player, just like everyone else
• Never let any player turn you into a roll of carpet, unless you want him/her to walk all over you
• If you're never likely to succeed, redefine success
• Never miss a good chance to silence your opponents
• Good judgement comes after a bad experience
• If you want to look big at the bridge table, put a cushion on the seat
• You often need to sit down for a minute to know where you stand
• Treat every next hand as the one you might get right
• Be proud of your mediocrity
• Open your mind before opening your mouth
• When you don't know what to do, at least do it with style and grace
• It is easier to apologise than to ask someone where you went wrong
• Thinking you may be wrong once will always be your biggest mistake
• When you're in it up your ears, keep your mouth shut
• If you can't outbid your opponents, then try to confuse them
• If you were born to fail, be glad you took up bridge......and not sky diving
• Going one trick down is better than two
• Bad experiences usually come from bad judgement

BRIDGE BOOKS PLAYERS CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT...... ( Claims Pun )

• Sorry Partner, I Keep Noddin' Off...............Arthur Sleep
• I Always Feel Gutted When I Lose...............Chris Fallen
• Making Slams On Tram Tickets....................Ray Lee Dunne
• Looking Out For Glory................................Nick R. Bocker
• Beating Slams On Very Little.......................Justin Nuff
• Look Who I've Got Playing For Us................Ivor Ringer
• Let's Get This Bridge Circus On The Road.....Laurie Driver
• Partner, We're Still On The Top Table.......... Candice B. Appening
• As Bridge Mentors Go, I'm The Best.............Guy Denlight
• Partner, I Need To Be Treated Gently ..........Pam Purmie
• I'm The Lynch Pin Of The Team....................Ann Carman
• Fascists Have Taken Over My Club...............Jack Boot

THE BRIDGE ACADEMY CLASS : BIGOT FINDS A STAR

" Well class, I see that most of you are still here but now's the time to get rid of the riff raff, the also rans, the loafers and the fools. Those who aren't up the task need to sod off and allow me focus my attentions on the best.

And so for this lesson, you have 2 hours to write an answer to the following question : you hold xx...x...KJ109xxxxxx...void, and your LHO opponent opens a balanced 12-14 weak 1 NT, and your partner doubles. Your RHO opponents now pulls it to 2S ( weak ).

Using everything you have learned about advanced bidding, decide on what bids ( by you ) need to be written off as useless, fatuous, futile, pathetic, inappropriate or darn right stupid ? "

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were frantically scrambled through, and the pace of writing was fast and furious. Some students wrote over 30 pages in 2 hours attempted to explain why several bids needed to be discounted, in a vain effort to isolate the one bid that had true merit. However, in the corner of the room sat one young lady, who for the whole period quietly contemplated the problem. Then right at the death she calmly wrote three words on her answer paper.

A week later Bigot stormed into the classroom to announce the results. And he was not a happy bunny.

" All of you have flunked this test bar one. "

As the results were posted up the wall, the rest of the group wondered how they could have failed when the only successful candidate was the one who had barely written anything at all. So when Bigot was asked what she had put, the answer he spat out completely took their breath away.

" Instead of fannying about.....she wrote down the only sensible and obvious answer........which was of course....... ALL BUT ONE "

ACADEMY STUDENTS WITNESS BIGOT AT HIS BEST......

( Bigot's academy high fliers were just one week away from their first exam on Advanced Bidding and Declarer Play . Any failing students would be kicked off the course, but the prize for passing was an outing or two as partner to the great man himself. )

" Well class, I expect great things from you, but I will not tolerate any excuses, especially limp ones, for arriving late to next week's exam...........except perhaps for two. These are either ( i) you posssess a medical certificate to prove you are too ill even to get out of bed, or (ii) there is a sudden and tragic death in your family concerning a close relative.

However, lurking at the back of the room was a smart alec character, who also happened to be the nephew of Percy Pantopod. He thought it would be a great idea to put Bigot on the spot. So up went his arm.

" What is it this time... you clever dick ! "

" Could I be excused for coming late if I fell victim to sexual exhaustion ? "

Not surprisingly the class burst into spontaneous laughter , which was brought to an abrupt stop when Bigot pulled out a pistol, and fired a waning shot into the ceiling. Then of course he turned his attention to the young man on the back row.

" In response to you question......the answer is NO.....which means you'll have to put in hours and hours of hard graft learning how to write with your other hand ! "

CARP'S CORNER.................

It never ceases to amaze me how bridge players continue to insult their partners, when the reality of the situation is that partnership harmony, and ultimately success, can only be achieved through positive encouragement and support.

Indeed, Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi's wonderful article showed why insults continue to play such a huge role in the endless banter than goes on certainly inside English bridge clubs. Players seemingly uncomfortable at having to be sociable , but using humour as an antidote to cure their obvious dis-ease. Sadly for those on the receiving end, much of this humour involves explosive outbursts of savage wit, cutting remarks and loaded insults.

Why just this other week I overheard and noted the following wise-cracks, with reveal both the creative and sadistic characteristics of a bridge player's mind :

- Partner, you're like a deck with no picture cards in it

- The only joy I get is when you leave the table

- Partner, you are living proof of evolution in reverse

- You're as bright as Alaskan day In December

- Why you're so dim you couldn't poor water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

- The last thing, partner, I want to do is insult you : I've just moved that desire to the top of my list

- When most of us drank from the fountain of knowledge, how come partner you chose to gargle ?

- Even single cell organisms could outplay you at bridge

- Partner, not only do you set low standards in the bidding and play of the cards, but you then constantly fall below them

- I'm finding it very hard at this moment to imagine you with a brain

- How come partner, your mind's picturing of the hands goes completely blank, yet the sound of your inane comments never switches off ?

- You're all foam and no beer

- If taking on opponents is like a battle of the minds, then what hope have I got partner when you come completely unarmed ?

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 1984 )

( As reported in The Bawtry Gazette )

A local man, Howard Bigot-Johnson, was brought before Sheffield Crown court charged with attempted murder. The incident took place at Doncaster bridge club during an open swiss pairs event. The victim was his annoying bridge partner, Percy Pantopod, who for several months was in a critical condition at Doncaster hospital, with serious head injuries resulting from the attack. The judge could not refrain from saying how disgusted he was with the defendant's appalling behaviour.

After the jury came back with a guilty verdict, Bigot-Johnson was ordered by the judge to stand up to receive his sentence. The court room went so quiet that all eyes immediately focused on the defendant, when he zipped up his flies.

" Bigot....you have been correctly found guilty of a vile and wicked crime. How any man can throw his bridge partner out of a second storey window just because he misplayed a contract beggars belief. With a drop of 20 feet onto a hard concrete pavement, you knew the chances that Percy might sustain a serious injury, possibly death, were very high indeed. Have you anything to say in mitigation before I pass sentence. "

Bigot-Johnson's face seemed full of regret and remorse. Seconds ticked by before he managed to stutter out an answer.

" Yes....I made a terrible error of judgement.....I did it without thinking........God, I feel so bad about it. I have no excuse whatsoever......hell....there could have been a poor unsuspecting pedestrian passing underneath at the time ! "

" I've heard enough..... 5 years....with no remission ! "

" Bugger...."

MORE NEW BRIDGE BOOKS REVIEWED BY PUN..........

• Bid Boldly And Take Those Risks....by Gay A. Bandon is a wonderful and inspiring book which demonstrates how aggressive bidding and opening leads can be a winning formulae. Gay's message is crystal clear : a faint heart never wins diddly squat.
• Hands That Got Me So Excited.....by Dick Swelling is a bulging collection of stunning, unusual and wildly distributional hands, chosen by kibitzers as ones which caused them to rise up out of their seats, and give the starring players huge standing ovations
• How Can You Pass A Hand Like That ! .......by Freda Bidding exposes the folly of exercising too much caution and restraint. Lurking for Freda is a complete no-no. Her advice to any aspiring bridge player is to get into the bidding early doors, and then get out of it very quickly if the hands are weak. Failing to bid often adds up to lost opportunities to either steal the contract or find a killing defence.
• How I Was Dishonourably Discharged As A Committee Member........by C. Mann is a frank and hard hitting account of what went on behind the scenes at the Slaughter House BC, where the author found himself the victim of false malicious accusations of gross misconduct. These included trumped-up allegations of betrayal, breach of confidentiality, double-dealing and out-and-out treachery. The book reveals all the back-stabbing antics and shenanigans of a committee out of control, with Bigot-Johnson, the self-appointed chairman, as the evil puppet master.

A GATHERING OF THE INNER CIRCLE AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB.........

( Bigot-Johnson chairs a secretly convened meeting with his secretary and other trusted allies )

Secretary : There's dissent in the ranks.....

B-J : What do you mean ?

Secretary : One of our ORDINARY committee members has sent in a letter of complaint

B-J : The bastard.....

Secretary : He's really upset....

B-J : About what ?

Secretary : It's best I read you his letter.....

Dear Bigot, I must express in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition and disgust to the newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions on the ingress and egress of ordinary committee members to the upstairs room where we desperately need to conduct our business affairs and will, in all probability, should the current deplorable initiative be perpetuated, precipitate the progressive build up and backlog of business matters, causing us in the process to experience acute atrophy and paralysis which will render effectively impossible our ability to conduct the coherent and necessary discharge of our functions in the foreseeable future. Yours feeling the strain already, Eamonn Wright-Payne

B-J : What the blue blazes is that all about ?

Secretary : I think he's complaining about the fact that a lock has been put on the upstairs toilet door and that, despite being a committee member, he has been excluded from the privileged few, who have been given a key

B-J : Tell that troublemaker with verbal diarrhea he's barred from the club...... we can't afford to have the likes of him in our midst.........

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI EXAMINES THE PROFILE OF THE QUINTESSENTIAL ENGLISH BRIDGE PLAYER.....................

English bridge players are a breed apart, not only from the rest of the UK population but from bridge players across the rest of the world.

In every English bridge club the majority of its members fall victim to a severe form of social dis-ease......not to be confused with disease.

As Kate Fox, an eminent sociologist , quite righted observed " social dis-ease borders on a sort of sub-clinical combination of autism and agoraphobia ( the politically correct euphemism would be socially challenged) ".

And who else but bridge players could illustrate this phenomenon better. They all show the classic symptoms in abundance : " lack of ease, discomfort and imcompetence in the field ( or should I say MINEFIELD ) of social interactions ". Add to all this " their embarrassment, awkwardness, perverse obliqueness, emotional constipation, fear of intimacy, and general inability to engage in a normal and straightforward fashion with other human beings ", there is never any problem in establishing the existence of this phenomenon.

Sadly, players who are quintessentially English always feel particularly uncomfortable in a social setting, such as a duplicate event. However, their behavioural responses can manifest themselves in one of two ways. " They either become over-polite, buttoned up and awkwardly restrained ", or they become loud, rude, aggressive and generally obnoxious.

Thankfully and mercifully, the English bridge players have, according to Ms. Fox, developed an antidote to their condition : English humour. " When God ( or something ) cursed these players with chronic symptoms of the English social dis-ease , HE softened the blow by giving them an English sense of humour " . This humour is distinctive by its sheer pervasiveness and its comic creativity. Virtually all table and bar room conversations " involve at least some degree of banter, teasing, irony, wit, mockery, wordplay, satire, inderstatement, humourous self-deprecation, sarcasm, pomposity-pricking or just plain silliness ". Humour inside an English BC is not a special, separate kind of talk : it is players compelled to press their default mode buttons. For them humour is like a life saving drug : they cannot function without it.

Some observers wrongly see this need to be funny as a reflex knee-jerk response to moments of anxiety, uncomfortableness, and awkward embarrassment, but the reality is that over time humour has become habitual and addictive . Every English bridge player appears to have adopted the mantra " when in doubt, joke ". Moreover, if anything said appears to have offended someone , the reply is always the same : " I was only joking ! ".

So there we have it : an established connection between English humour and social dis-ease, as evidenced by those who epitomise the two concepts best...................the quintessential English bridge player.

JOHNNY SUPREMO TRIES OUT "THE BIGOT CLUB " BIDDING SYSTEM

Who would have thought it, but Johnny, God love him , succumbed to Bigot's request to give his amazing new bidding system a trial run. And to Johnny's great surprise it didn't let him down. He concluded that its tactical aspects " did have some merit " , and the system was certainly capable of generating some excellent results. Bigot of course could not believe what he was hearing !

According to Bigot the Acol system was " useless ", because it often needed " two bids to show a two-suited hand ". He believed that all opening bids should reveal far more information about one's distribution and shape. Killing two birds with one throw so to speak.

Indeed , The Supremo felt obliged to agree. However, his overall verdict was " it has potential ", but it needed " further development and fine tuning ". Then maybe the system might well turn into something quite special.

So here for the benefit of those who like to experiment are the bare bones of his Club system, which relate to a player who is first to bid :

- 1C : EITHER a flat hand (4432, 4333 shape ) with one or two 4 card majors OR a two-suiter in the minors 5-4 or better

- 1D : EITHER 23+ game force OR a two-suiter in the majors 5-4 or better

- 1H : 5+ card heart suit ( may have a 4 card minor )

- 1S : 5+ card spade suit ( may have a 4 card minor )

1NT : a five or six card minor suit with no more than 3 in a one ( or both ) majors : possibly a 5332, 6322 or 6331 shape

2C : 5+ clubs and a 4 card major

2D : 5 + diamonds and a 4 card major

2H : weak 6 card heart suit

2S : weak 6 card spade suit

2nt : Bal 20-22

Responses all had a simple and sound logic to them , but these were as Bigot put it " best left for players to work out for themselves ". For instance, Bigot's 2D reponse over 1NT was a staymanic enquiry asking the opener to show one or both 3 card majors. ( 2H = 3 hearts with two doubletons, 2S = 3 spades with two doubletions, 2NT= 3 in both majors, plus a doubleton, and bids at the three level had to show the singleton suit in a 6331 disrtribution.) However, interference bids needed a whole new set of responses to be worked out to counter the loss of normal responses available.

NEWS FLASH

BY PUN :

BIGOT-JOHNSON

SEEN LEAVING

LAWYERS' OFFICE

AFTER SEEKING

LEGAL ADVICE

PENDING HIS

NEXT COURT

APPEARANCE

.......

.......

.......

.......

( Apparently, while suffering from a rather painful bladder infection, he was compelled to visit the toilet several times between hands. However, on the one occasion he returned to the bridge room with a smile on his face, he inadvertently let it slip out........................." God, you wouldn't believe how hard that was ! " . One poor lady was so shocked she reported the incident to the police, who are now looking into the matter with a view to charging him under the Offences Against The Persons Act 1861. )

A SHORT MESSAGE FROM THE BLOG MAN HIMSELF : HOWARD BIGOT-JOHNSON

Heaven knows who may be looking in on my blog these days, but to all those who have come to dislike it, then what the devil are you doing reading it ? Because if you think you could do any better then go away and write one of your own. And if you think you can't write a blog that is any good, then THAT SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING !

But if you think you can, then go ahead and do it. No bloody excuses. In fact why not start today. And if you are one of those higher-than-mighty armchair critics, who don't like my blog, but can't be arsed to write your own, then look elsewhere and find a blog you do like. Or join a bible reading class instead. Life is too short to be disappointed and miserable.

HOWEVER , FOR ALL THOSE WHO DO LIKE MY BLOG , I COMMEND YOUR IMPECCABLE AND EXCELLENT TASTE .

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON & OTHER v. CARDINALS BC ( 2011 )

( In this most unusual case, Bigot-Johnson and his partner were suing the CBC for breach of contract. They entered and won a big money pairs event, only to be stripped of their title and the prize money that came with it. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

B-J ( Plaintiff ) : Did I , or did I not, win the pairs event ?

Chairman ( Defendant ) : Yes.....but you were subsequently disqualified

B-J : Why ?

C : Because your partner was a bloody CHIMPANZEE .......and not eligible to count as a person within the definition of " guest or visitor " under the constitution's rules

B-J : Hold on there....the constitution makes no specific reference to a guest or visitor being of the human species

C : True....but elsewhere their are references to men or women, which imply that members and non-members must belong to a category of " persons ".........I mean people.....human beings ....homo sapiens

B-J : Listen you.....my mate, Clarence, may look like a chimpanzee but he is a person with lots of body hair and loads of personality. And not only that.....he can play bridge too

C : I dispute that.....he is nothing more than a well trained monkey

B-J : So how come we won ? Explain that to the judge

C : Yes, I will.....with pleasure. Firstly, the only cards in his bidding box were all green " pass " ones . This was to ensure that he never got to play a contract. Secondly, when he was required to make a lead, he had been trained to just simply pick a card at random. Thirdly, if he was obliged to follow suit, he had been trained to pick a card with a similar colour and symbol marking. And in the event of not finding one, he picked a card at random to discard.

B-J : So I say to you again....HOW COME WE WON ?

C : As it happened....quite miraculously.......all the hands passed out kept you and Clarence out of doomed contracts. Every time you took a blind punt at a contract you came up smelling of roses........and of the ones your opponents played, Clarence made two devastating opening leads ....not to mention 3 spectacular discards which escaped him from being end played into giving the contracts to the opponents.

B-J : What a player !

C : But Clarence is not an actual person and therefore you were both correctly disqualified when, after the result was announced, several strongly worded objections were lodged

B-J : Well, let me tell you that chimpanzees have a 99.4% share of the human DNA. Moreover, Clarence behaved impeccably ........oh...except for three tiddly accidents, which were easily wiped up.......and to discriminate against him on the grounds that his 0.6% monkey DNA toilet habits would be a clear act of outrageous prejudice , contrary to the Disability Discrimination Act of 2005.

Judge : Bigot, you do have a point, but I'm afraid you cannot succeed with your action

B-J : Why not ?

Judge : The fact remains that when Clarence took the stand he failed to answer any questions put to him by the defendants' counsel. His inability to speak and communicate back clearly proves that he is not a person.

( At this point BIgot and Clarence simultaneously raise their arms and stick two fingers up at the judge )

Judge : Well I never.....I stand corrected.....Clarence is as depraved and vile a person as you Bigot.....and therefore I find in favour of the plaintiff...... the prize money of £200 and damages of £5000 to be awarded

B-J : Hoorah...

Judge : But you are both to be charged with contempt of court !

B-J : Bugger.....

Clarence : B....O...OOO....G...A...RRRR

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.........................

• Pick up : a term which originates from the gay bridge clubs in Amsterdam, where members spend most of time seeking out and capturing unattached queens
• Deviation : a psych(e) that has not cut its teeth. An habitual psycher's nearest approach to an honest bid
• Psych(e) : a vicious and ferocious lie designed to inflict maximum damage on unsuspecting opponents
• Serial psycher : a prolific liar who erroneously believes he is entitled to a roving commission to bid what he likes
• Holding : an account where money bequeathed to bridge organisations sits indefinitely, never to be spent on the items specified in the will. Money seemingly left in a permanent state of unspent limbo.
• Chairman : the leading figure in any club, who is usually elected on the backs of the apathetic majority and the active gerrymandering tactics of the minority
• Pull : Either (i) a procedure used by flash players of the male sex to get talented unmarried women to become their partners, or (ii) something that most frustrated players do to their face or their hair, when despairing of their inept partners
• Support double : a useful gadget and item of clothing , immensely popular with lady players of great stature
• HUM : a noise which many players, prone to using highly unusual methods , start to make when trying to convey hand information across to their partners

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDING PRINCIPLES ON BRIDGE...............

For the benefit of all those players who have yet to achieve, I have decided to come clean as to how I made it to the top. One has to adopt a broad philosophy or approach that sets you on the right path to success : guiding principles which will serve you well throughout your bridge career, even in the face of difficult circumstances, top class opponents , or nasty hands to bid or play.

• Ignore criticisms that your hesitations are a forming of cheating : consider them more as " creative problem solving "
• Be obscure clearly
• Never look on opponents as good or bad : either they are tolerable or intolerable
• A facile solution will never solve a complex bridge problem
• Naff first bids are the root of all bridge disasters
• Nothing in bridge is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
• Good players use the facts they have gleaned with imagination, whereas jackasses simply choose to imagine the facts
• Never worry if there are no kibitzers at your table : for it is known fact that the number of kibitzers watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions
• Opportunities in bridge always look bigger going than coming
• Astonishment is what pleasure at the bridge table is all about
• Most convoluted bidding systems are nonsense, but some are a greater nonsense than others
• In bridge 2+2 = 5 is not without its attractions
• Many difficult declarer play problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers
• It is a heinous crime to lie when you bid, but there may be many occasions when it is necessary not to tell the truth
• Rubbish partners should do the right and decent thing : ask " to be taken out and shot "
• It pays to keep a shotgun in the boot of your car

BIGOT TEACHES HIS BRIDGE CLASS ANOTHER THING OR TWO............

The determination of Bigot to get his students to think outside the box knew no bounds. In his view to become an expert bridge player, one required an ability to see what others all too often fail to see. So yet again he tried to illustrate this concept by posing a simple problem to his class.

" Consider this question..... there are 3 young women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. One is licking her cone. Another is biting it. And the third is sucking it. How can you tell which one of them is married ? "

Derek, who was sitting on the back row, thought hard and long about this unusual question. He felt uncomfortable about it, wishing he knew more about the trademark gestures and body language of married women. Eventually he stood up and spoke up : " Well , I guess it is the one sucking the cone . "

Bigot shook his head in disbelief : " You sir, have a filthy mind, and I certainly don't like the way you think. The answer of course is the one with the wedding ring on her finger ! "

" Oh......"

" And yes....the question I posed had in fact nothing to do with the way the ice creams were being eaten. You wrongly presumed that it did. You failed to see the more obvious way of telling which one was married. If this erroneous thinking of yours was applied to bridge, and which opponent say is holding the missing queen of trumps......tell me what would be your answer ? "

" Well...er...it is either with the opponent who is known to have length in that suit......or it is with the opponent who has, on the bidding, most of the outstanding high card points. "

Bigot looked at Derek with utter contempt.

" You've done it yet again.....you've opted to guess, rather than use your bloody eyes........because the queen of course will always be with the opponent, who has inadvertantly allowed you to see his hand ! "

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S BRIDGE ACADEMY CLASS LEARN ANOTHER VALUABLE LESSON........................

Bigot was determined to get his students to think straight, especially if they were to succeed with a few difficult declarer play hands. For him the secret of success required a player to have the right mind set, which involved both lateral and creative thinking in order to reach the right conclusions. The class waited with bated breath for the great man to speak.

" Well class.....let me try you out on this.........you're walking along a Scottish road and you spot a lone black sheep in the corner of a field. What conclusions can you draw ? "

A hand went up, and Stephanie answered : Surely, you could definitely conclude that sheep in this part of the world are black ".

Bigot's face cringed at such a crass reply, but another student confidently spoke out : " May be not all the sheep are black, but at least some of them are. "

Again, Bigot looked crestfallen at such a naive answer. He grunted his disapproval before moving onto another student anxious to speak.

" The only sound conclusion one can reach is that out of the sheep population in this area at least one of them is black. "

By now Bigot had lost his patience big time, and was pulling out his hair in sheer despair.

" You bloody lot just don't get it. How come none of you can reach the right conclusion......the obvious one , which is both correct and irrefutable. Indeed........ the only thing you can say for certain is that at least one of sheep around there is black on one side ! "

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE CHESHIRE CAT SYNDROME

When a player is diagnosed with this syndrome, it is not a wise move to ask him/her for advice. Putting such a request to a victim, like " how would you play this hand ? ", is asking for trouble. You will only be greeted by a hideous grin, followed by a meaningless quip or vague remark, such as " that depends a good deal on how many tricks you want to win ". In other instances, they will choose to answer the question with a question : " Tell me, is your aim to avoid a bottom or to go all out for a galactic top? ".

Indeed, players who suffer from the Cheshire Cat Syndrome will always avoid giving you a proper answer, one which can be seen as constructive or useful. So when you respond " I'm happy to be somewhere in between ", the inevitable reply will be " Well, if the only result you're after is par, then simply play the hand in a bog standard way ".

Sadly for all of us, Cheshire Cats can be seen in every bridge club the world over, never knowing themselves which way to go about the bidding or play of the cards. The problem for them is that they don't know which direction to go, because they never know where they are at. The fact that they never know where they are equally applies to the people they meet. This makes it impossible for them to tell inquisitive strangers what paths they need to follow to successfully find their way home.

Victims of this disorder spend all their time at bridge clubs wandering aimlessly from table to table, picking up hands, but never arriving at any firm conclusions or decisions as to what to do. They are always able to pose the searching and philosophical questions, but completely unable to provide any practical or technical answers. When it comes to the bidding, they are always lost. They never know the perfect spot to be in , because if by chance they ever landed there they would simply move on to somewhere different.

It is easy to see why these players are so often ignored, and why others find them so irritating. However, trying to remove the awful experience of a Cheshire Cat encounter from one's mind is far from easy, especially when the memory of that hideous smile takes forever to fade away.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE SINATRA SYNDROME

From within the ranks of all those bridge players who think they know best, recent research into their tedious displays of overbearing arrogance and pomposity has revealed a startling discovery. They are all victims of a terrible affliction, which has been appropriately labelled " The Sinatra Syndrome ".

Although the victims have the ability to recognise alternative options available to them in the bidding and play of the cards, they reject the ones that are most logical and sensible......opting instead to go about things their way.

Despite being fully aware of what the field might do in a particular situation, or what text book authors suggest is the best route to take, victims of this syndrome will always stand up and shout " I like to do things my way ".

This compulsion to make irrational choices and decisions may appear to some as " random players " acting on a hunch, a wing and a prayer, a flier, a stab-in-the-dark, a gut feeling, an inspired punt, or a flash of divine inspiration, but their analysis is wrong. These victims have a condition that turns them into pompous fools, full of their own self-importance. Not only are they deluded about their true status and ability as players, but they fail to see that their undisciplined actions completely destroy partnership harmony and trust.

The real tragedy is that once this disorder really takes hold , victims just live for the moment to see their way deliver one good result. When this happens, albeit once in a blue moon, this reinforces the belief that they know best......compelling them to carry on even more to adopt this extremely cavalier and maverick approach to playing bridge.