Sunday, 6 March 2011

( In this most unusual case, Bigot-Johnson and his partner were suing the CBC for breach of contract. They entered and won a big money pairs event, only to be stripped of their title and the prize money that came with it. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
B-J ( Plaintiff ) : Did I , or did I not, win the pairs event ?

Chairman ( Defendant ) : Yes.....but you were subsequently disqualified
B-J : Why ?
C : Because your partner was a bloody CHIMPANZEE .......and not eligible to count as a person within the definition of " guest or visitor " under the constitution's rules
B-J : Hold on there....the constitution makes no specific reference to a guest or visitor being of the human species
C : True....but elsewhere their are references to men or women, which imply that members and non-members must belong to a category of " persons ".........I mean people.....human beings ....homo sapiens
B-J : Listen mate, Clarence, may look like a chimpanzee but he is a person with lots of body hair and loads of personality. And not only that.....he can play bridge too
C : I dispute that.....he is nothing more than a well trained monkey
B-J : So how come we won ? Explain that to the judge
C : Yes, I will.....with pleasure. Firstly, the only cards in his bidding box were all green " pass " ones . This was to ensure that he never got to play a contract. Secondly, when he was required to make a lead, he had been trained to just simply pick a card at random. Thirdly, if he was obliged to follow suit, he had been trained to pick a card with a similar colour and symbol marking. And in the event of not finding one, he picked a card at random to discard.
B-J : So I say to you again....HOW COME WE WON ?
C : As it happened....quite miraculously.......all the hands passed out kept you and Clarence out of doomed contracts. Every time you took a blind punt at a contract you came up smelling of roses........and of the ones your opponents played, Clarence made two devastating opening leads ....not to mention 3 spectacular discards which escaped him from being end played into giving the contracts to the opponents.
B-J : What a player !
C : But Clarence is not an actual person and therefore you were both correctly disqualified when, after the result was announced, several strongly worded objections were lodged
B-J : Well, let me tell you that chimpanzees have a 99.4% share of the human DNA. Moreover, Clarence behaved impeccably ........oh...except for three tiddly accidents, which were easily wiped up.......and to discriminate against him on the grounds that his 0.6% monkey DNA toilet habits would be a clear act of outrageous prejudice , contrary to the Disability Discrimination Act of 2005.
Judge : Bigot, you do have a point, but I'm afraid you cannot succeed with your action
B-J : Why not ?
Judge : The fact remains that when Clarence took the stand he failed to answer any questions put to him by the defendants' counsel. His inability to speak and communicate back clearly proves that he is not a person.
( At this point BIgot and Clarence simultaneously raise their arms and stick two fingers up at the judge )
Judge : Well I never.....I stand corrected.....Clarence is as depraved and vile a person as you Bigot.....and therefore I find in favour of the plaintiff...... the prize money of £200 and damages of £5000 to be awarded
B-J : Hoorah...
Judge : But you are both to be charged with contempt of court !
B-J : Bugger.....
Clarence : B....O...OOO....G...A...RRRR

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