Tuesday, 29 March 2011

( Bigot-Johnson had been taken down to the old Bailey charged with the murder of Binky Bowles, who had sneaked onto the accused's property in an attempt to retrieve a trophy, which he claimed belonged to him. Bigot had originally been awarded the trophy, but when cheating allegations surfaced, he was instructed to hand the trophy over to the newly declared winners, Binky and his partner. Bigot not surprisingly rejected these claims of cheating, and refused to part with the silverware he so dearly cherished. Binky, however, foolishly decided to resolve the matter himself, by utilising the skills taught to him by his father, a master burglar. Bigot of course decided defend himself , and an extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Prosecutor ( P ) : You Bigot are nothing more than a cold blooded killer...... and the evidence against you is overwhelming
B-J : So what if I killed a low-life burglar. And what a good thing too ! If I had half a chance to kill another burglar,then I would take it without hesitation. How would a ponced up, wig-wearing, batman take-off like you react, if some thieving blaggard crept onto your property to steal a valuable possession ? What would you do against such a beast-boy ?
P : Can I remind you that this man only came to retrieve a trophy that belonged to him.
B-J : How was I to know what his evil intentions were. He could have been after my blood.....or after my good lady wife ,who would willingly give anybody the time of day if they had lustful or amorous intentions.
P : You sir...... are a rotter and a scoundrel
B-J : Keep your foul-mouthed opinions to yourself and get on with the case.....I haven't got all day to listen to your insults and rants
P : Alright then....so please tell the court your version of the events
B-J : Well, this man....who turned out to be Binky.....approached the house in a menacing way....so I fired a couple of warning shots
P : But the body was found with 8 bullets in his back....
B-J : Yes I know..... but my aim was bad...and he was walking backwards towards the house in an attempt to conceal his face. I acted in self-defence ...you see.... he was carrying a long thin metal object in his hand
P : Is that the sum total of your pitiful defence ?
B-J: No....I believe this court needs to know that as a child I was abandoned by my parents, after which I soon found myself as part of a gang at the local orphanage. In the early years I was regularly coshed and abused by the senior gang members, but later on......when the boot was on the other foot, I made sure the new recruits got the same treatment from me. Inevitably, I was transferred to a remand school where the matron ......who took an instant dislike to me......once locked me up in a cockroach infested cupboard for 36 hours. I've never been the same since.
Judge : Yes...yes...I remember a case where the accused inflicted severe injuries upon a frail old lady during a botched-up high street robbery. His father said " at the age of 14 he fell out of a tree, and since then he's been a different boy ".
P : So it now seems that the court can either treat you as a pathological case ....or a psychological misfit ?
B-J : I prefer the term " psychologically damaged "
Judge : That is so sad....you poor poor man
P : Excuse me...the poor man was the one who died, simply because he wanted the trophy that was his by right. Moreover, I don't recall Bigot ever giving Binky any warnings to stop ....before opening fire.
B-J : Oh yes I did....I told the trespassing bastard : " Hey Binky....you step another foot forwards and you're gonna get it ". So when he did put a foot forwards I felt duty bound to open fire.
P : But that would mean he was heading back towards the boundary fence.......
Judge : I'm not concerned about which direction he was heading..... the fact remains that Binky blatantly ignored the order to stop, forcing Bigot to take decisive action. And it has always been my view that honest citizens must use whatever force they consider necessary ( using whatever weapons come to hand ) to stop any threat that is growing by the second. Therefore, I will directing the jury to acquit the accused on the grounds of justifiable homicide.
B-J : Well, thank you your honour......
Judge : Now make sure that cheque is in the post by tomorrow......
B-J : Bugger....I was hoping you would give me at least a week's grace

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