Thursday, 31 March 2011

BIGOT GETS HIS PRIORITIES RIGHT.......... ( Article as published in a recent EBU magazine )
Strange things happen at bridge clubs as evidenced by an incident at the Slaughter House BC a few days ago.
Bigot-Johnson, the self-appointed chairman of the club, was forced to play with a relative beginner named Horatio Hogworth, because his regular partner had deliberately shot himself in the leg. He had decided that losing the ability to walk was preferable to another night of ego sapping insults and verbal threats.
However, Bigot's replacement was an even more sensitive individual, who had only just recovered from a serious mental breakdown. Foolishly returning to war zone of the bridge battlefield too soon , it transpired that one little upset plunged him back into a world of deep depression and despair.
This happened 5 minutes into the session, when Bigot blew his stack after his errant partner failed to make a killing switch, which would have given them a certain top. Within seconds of the thunderous outburst, an acute anxiety and panic attack ensued with near fatal consequences. Horatio, utterly distraught and clearly in great distress, rose up from his seat and whispered in Bigot's ear : " I'm going upstairs and onto the roof....where I intend to compose myself for a few minutes before jumping off...... Don't bother pleading with me to stay at the mind is made up ". And in a flash, he headed off towards the attic stairs.
Bigot looked shell-shocked, and suitably sombre when he felt obliged to tell his opponents about his partner-less status, and what words had been said.
" What on earth are you going to do ? " came the concerned reply.
Bigot didn't bat an eyelid : " I think the stand-by is still downstairs....he can sit in and take his place . We've already got one table with a sit-out pair we can't afford another ! "
Then, just the next round was about to be called, a loud distant thud was heard ( but ignored ) by all. As it happened, something rather heavy had crashed onto the roof of a the chairman's brand new volvo. However, it was only when the duplicate had finished did a member inform Bigot about this wanton and malicious damage to his car . That was, of course, before he finally mentioned that the person responsible was still " hanging around " in the car park area ..........looking " none too good and rather pastey " .

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