( Percy Pantopod and partner were in big trouble having been accused of cheating, with Bigot-Johnson taking on the dual role of chief prosecution witness and complainant. The following is a short extract from took place at the hearing. )
Chairman : Pantopod.....both you and your partner have been accused of cheating ....
PP : Who the hell by..... ?
Bigot : ( Laughing hysterically )..Me...of...course.....you muppet
PP : What !........I'm innocent.......and even if I wasn't........ there's no way you can prove it
Bigot : Ah ......but I can. As I was unable to play in last Sunday's pairs competition, the chief tournament director kindly allowed me to make up the hands. On boards 7, 16 and 29 all the Easts......which included your partner......the thickest oaf I've ever played against......were dealt a weak 7-2-2-2 distribution, with the long suit headed by the A-Q-10.
The bidding on all three boards recorded your partner making an opening 3-level pre-empt, followed by two passes, with North ending the auction with a 3NT overcall.
PP : Yes...yes...I recall those 3 boards very well....an outright top on each
Bigot : Not surprising .......because on board 7, North held Kx in your partner's suit, but strangely he found an opening lead to your Ace of spades, whereupon you immediately switched to his suit to harvest the first eight tricks.
PP: Yes....a truly inspired play by partner !
Bigot : Then on board 17, when declarer was gambling on his stiff King to take the first trick, your partner confidently lead out his Ace.......whereupon he took the next six tricks. You of course had nothing but three small in his suit.
PP : The man was on fire....
Bigot : Finally, we come to board 29......where declarer held four of your partners suit to the J-9. Your hand was Kx. Amazingly your partner this time decided to lead low, putting you in with the king to fire one back through declarer's fragile holding. He stuck in the 9 but to no avail, and another 3NT contract bit the dust.
PP : Another truly inspired opening lead....
Bigot : So on 3 separate occasions this buffoon of a player managed to find a different lead, which turned out to be the only one to defeat the contract. How could such a feeble-minded wooden top like him do that unless he knew exactly what you were holding !
Chairman : By Jing0....Bigot you're right......there had to be some form of illegal signalling going on. Any pair who could stoop that low must be a nothing more than filthy, no-good, darn right , low down cheating dogs. Thank you so much Bigot for setting up this ingenious trap. How on earth did you manage to dream up these telling hands ?
Bigot : Easy.....my partner and I defended the very same hands in a high stakes rubber bridge match a few weeks earlier, where we came away with a small fortune. Hell....it required us to be at our finger-signalling-best to beat each one of those 3NT contracts.......
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