DRUGS IN BRIDGE : LATEST SCANDAL 

An in-depth investigation by news reporter Anna Bollick-Steroyd has uncovered evidence of the shocking use of drugs throughout the world of bridge.
According to her main source , the infamous whistle blower Ivor Bigmouth, many top players have become totally dependent on drugs to improve their levels of concentration , memory , speed and depth of analysis along with mental stamina.
" It's very sad " , said Ivor , " but the nature of the modern game has become so competitive and results orientated , players are resorting to all manner of ways by which to cheat and seek an unfair advantage. Using drugs to enhance their memory and performance is much harder to detect.Moreover , staying alert , sharp and fully focused over long sessions at the tables is not easy unless drugs are used. Before all this cheating ,  players would often fall asleep towards the end of a lengthy tournament. Others would go on dream-like walkabouts. But now you see hyped-up players jumping about in their seats , making flamboyant gestures , eyes all lit up as their minds run wild with probability calculations to determine their best options and lines of play. In my opinion these brain enhancement drugs should be treated with the same contempt as LSD , speed , ecstasy and amphetamines. "
However , one brain food addict was suspiciously quick to defend the practice saying " nearly all players pump themselves up with caffeine-laced coffees and liquid pick-me-up tonics , so why condemn those who go that extra step. Since everyone is doing drugs I see no objection when it comes to using stronger stuff when competing at the highest levels. Moreover the WBF has opted to sit on the fence, refusing to address this issue for fear of rocking the boat , by having more cheating scandals hitting the press. "
Ironically, one infamous player , renown for his high profile cheating , said " using drugs to improve performance is not acceptable especially when there are far more effective ways to achieve glory and success. No one should risk their personal health and well being when there are so many less damaging ways to gain an unfair advantage over unsuspecting opponents. "

NEWSFLASH : SCANDAL HITS ENGLISH BRIDGE ........

The genteel world of English bridge was rocked by allegations of match fixing in a regional qualifier for the prestigious national teams tournament to be held in London later on this year. 
Several team captains claimed that Bigot-Johnson's team deliberately threw their match against a team looking to secure selection for the international squad. 
The sequence of scores in a very one-sided match represented gross underbidding and overbidding on the part of his team members , not to mention their inept play in defence. Suspicions were aroused when the non-playing captain,  Bigot-Johnson ,  was spotted in the hotel car park receiving a large bulging brown envelop from the opposition captain prior to match , before skipping off to the bank just around the corner from the venue hotel. 
When questioned about his team's abject performance Bigot replied " it just one of those days when luck deserts you and nothing goes right ". He strenuously denied any impropriety, claiming that the team he brought to the event was " rubbish " , and that their inexperience of tournament events caused them to panic and make silly mistakes. When questioned about one board ,  where a team member in first position chose to pass on 16 points,  Bigot put it down to the player's tendency to indulge in trap passes. The fact that 3NT was rigid having been bid and made on every table with overtricks ( but not on his table ) caused Bigot no concern whatsoever. 
Nevertheless he did admit to being very disappointed by the results from this match , conceding that some arses needed to be kicked very hard indeed. 
The enquiry still continues following further further reports of Bigot taking his team for a very expensive slap up champagne meal immediately after the tournament was over , when it appears that he needed to borrow money on arrival to pay for the team's entrance fees.  

PROFILE OF A TRUE BRIDGE EXPERT...... ( Article by Carp )

Far too many bridge players claim to be an expert when in reality they are nothing more than competent. Even players who have attained high rankings fool themselves that they are experts, when these rankings are based more on numerous appearances at green pointed events rather than ever making a top ten finish. 
In my book experts.....I mean true experts.....are a rare breed , and only a very small number have the right and privilege to be classed as such. These highly gifted and talented players all possess the majority of attributes listed below :
1.  Depth of analysis
2.  Speed of analysis
3.  Table presence
4.  Alertness
5.  Reading of the cards
6.  Cunning
7.  Masters of deceptive play
8.  Imaginative and creative
9.  Always quick to Identify dangers and risks
10. Avoid where possible the need to guess
11. Ready and able to counter threats 
12. Never choose to rely on luck ( they simply make their own )
13. Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
14. Adopt lines of play which maximise the winning odds
15. Never get ruffled or rattled
16. Faultless memory
17. Recognise partner's limitations and therefore bid/defend accordingly
18. Totally ethical 
19.  Always calm and assured
20.  Combine experience and skill to maximum effect

Indeed , I'm sure there are many other attributes which can be assigned to a true expert. So unless you can honestly say you possess many of the above specifications , just settle for being a competent bridge player......but nothing more.

NEWSFLASH : GOD BACKS THE " GET RID OF ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES CAMPAIGN "

In an amazing new twist , God , who has never previously made comments on internal bridge matters , has come off his cloud and declared his support for a member unjustly expelled for breaching ZT rules.
Following Bigot-Johnson's bold declaration that ZT policies are totally flawed, God has made it known that the shocking lack of mercy and forgiveness does not bode well for those wishing to enter the kingdom of heaven. He believes that sinners are there to be saved and not punished.
This is a massive blow to the power crazed zealots who have introduced ZT policies into their clubs with a view to cracking down on those who err and stray. These zealots ,  who pedal and pursue the " project fear " philosophy , just love the idea of inflicting excessive punishments on those who commit minor transgressions. As God's only son rightly pointed out " Let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Clearly ,  a ZT approach has now been exposed as a little short of pure evil in that those who enforce such policies often do so with venomous glee and sadistic pleasure. 
However , sources close to the Almighty , say that the Supreme Being cannot recall any details regarding the alleged wrongdoing which led to the member's ruthless and instant expulsion. Nevertheless, the angel Gabriel said " That's God all over.....he moves in mysterious ways....and he only acted in response to the member's prayer.  He now feels morally obliged to get involved in the disciplinary proceedings taking place in bridge clubs across the world. " 
Moreover , according to Gabriel God does not intend to sit back and ignore the injustices which are likely to occur ,  which means divine intervention might well be necessary. He refuses to sit in silence while victims of extreme ZT injustices experience pain , suffering , fear and strife , when it is the very nature of the game which brings out the beast in man . Surely , if governing bodies want players to be passionate about bridge then it's only right and fair allow them to show their negative emotions when things go wrong. God also wants it to be known that He created man in his own image and is therefore responsible for all his shortcomings and failings.   

ATTENTION ALL BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES : CHAIRMAN BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE.....

" We all know that over the years the biggest problem has been the psychological bullying dished out by unforgiving members upon their weak and hapless partners. Anyone who tells you otherwise needs sorting out with knuckle dusters and baseball bats.
But today an even more disturbing problem has emerged , as a result of initiatives to curb the traditional bullying at the tables. This relates the development of the so called " culture of fear " which stems from zero tolerance policies , springing up all over the place.
For instance , at the Walnut Tree Allotment society BC the ZTP initiated there certainly brought about a successful crackdown on noisy and boisterous behaviour. The committee there kicked off by finding a suitable scapegoat to demonstrate their fierce intent to rid the club of loud and unruly members. This poor man , having accused his partner of being " a complete prune "  , had his head immediately flushed down the toilet before receiving a damn good thrashing. Days later a Spanish-style inquisition took place , which resulting in him admitting his guilt to many other allegations of bullying , dreamed up and invented by over zealous committee members gifted with incredible imagination , creativity and extreme bias. At the kangaroo court hearing he meekly accepted full responsibility for all his sins , stating that he thoroughly deserved every form of punishment which was about to come his way.
This sad wretch of a man , who was first in the firing line ,  confessed to making verbal remarks and theatrical gestures solely designed to intimidate and upset his partners. Onlooking club members were not surprised by this confession given the fact his mouth at the time was being pumped full of alcohol while tied to a chair. 
Nevertheless bullying in the club disappeared overnight once the fear factor was operating at full throttle. Members at risk  , being conscious of having a short fuse and acid wit along side a life-long habit to speak their minds ,  now opted instead to either sulk in silence or bury their heads in muffle cushions which are conveniently placed near to the tables.
But as always in life a solution to one problem merely creates another , and ZTP have replaced one form of bullying with another far more sinister and far more heinous. Committee members corrupted by power have seized the opportunity to rid the club of who they want , by waiting for the smallest transgressions to take place before initiating another ruthless and vindictive witch hunt. The culture of fear thrives upon those with big inflated egos picking on those who don't deserve it. Yes , without a shadow of doubt zealous ZTP enforcers really do give bullying a bad name. 
Finally,  I would like to add that ZT policies have no place whatsoever in The Slaughter House BC , because members are told that if you play bridge like a numpty expect to be called one : you either man up or give up the game. " 

. 

OTHER WONDERFUL BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY THE WORLD FAMOUS AUTHOR  I. ASKEW...........

• The Cheating That Goes On At Bridge Tables
• Players Who Defy The Odds And Get Away With It
• What Possesses Clubs To Waste Money On Futile And Lost Causes ?
• Bullying Behaviour Which Is Completely Out Of Order 
• Why Do Slow Players Spend So Much Time Over The Obvious ?
• I Once Bid A 6 Card Heart Suit Yet Declarer Still Went Up With Dummy's Ace To Drop My Partner's Singleton King
• What Complete And Utter Birdbrain Thought Zero Tolerance Policies Would Improve The Bridge Experience ?
• Committee Shenanigans Which Simply Beggar All Belief
• How Come Every Player I've Ever Encountered Claims To Be An Expert ?
• Why Does Bridge  Attract  Psychopaths ,  Self-Righteous Know-alls , Social Misfits And Oddballs ? 
• What's So Wrong About Moving A Bridgemate Across A Table ? 

                                            ADVERTISEMENT

    SHOCKING REVELATIONS……….OUTRAGEOUS CARRY-ONS

    “ WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON

   INSIDE UNIT 373 ? ”

  IS THE TITLE OF A RIPPING BLOCKBUSTER BOOK 

                      BY            I. ASKEW

 

NORTHERN PRO'S INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT SYSTEM COMES UNDER FURTHER SCRUTINY.........

NORTHERN PRO'S PATIENCE IS SEVERELY TESTED.....

BIGOT STANDS ACCUSED..........

NEWSFLASH  :  IT'S TRUE....BIGOT-JOHNSON IS INDEED THE WORLD'S NUMBER ONE BIGOT

Forever wreaking havoc in the quiet and dignified world of bridge, Bigot-Johnson has become synonymous with extreme bigotry , reviled by all those who have crossed his path in clubs and bars across the world. What makes this man the epitome of bigotry can be answered by the comments made by ex-partners and club members, who have had the great misfortune to play at his table.
-  " I have never come across a person so riddled with prejudice , bias , hypocrisy and ill-feeling towards others as this dreadful , awful man "
-  " Blighted by irrational thoughts and beliefs Bigot-Johnson is unable to listen to or accept the opinions voiced by those blessed with wisdom and common sense "
-  " He has an unshakable belief that he can actually play the game despite his abysmally low ranking "
-  Always quick to malign and condemn all others as grossly inferior players or despicable cheats
-  " He will argue vehemently that all his poor scores are the product of bad luck , cheating dogs and inept partners "
-  " He will also argue that good results are all down to his talent and expertise , when in reality he has been gifted tops by fortuitous guesses and overly generous opponents "
-  " Bigot thrives on bullying and browbeating ineffective directors as to how the rules of the game are to be interpreted "
 -  " Bigot claims to know all the answers even though many of the questions have no definitive answers at all "
-  " The man is in complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings , which are considerable in both number and severity "
- " He claims to be a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness when in fact the opposite is true" -  " Bigot-Johnson insists on holding court to disaffected listeners and gullible newbies irrespective of their urgent desire to vacate the room "
- " This bombastic hypocrite holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters which require carefully considered , non-judgemental points of view "
-  Bigot-Johnson is a loud , arrogant , egocentric , empty-headed numskull  who is nothing more than a bloated windbag full of hot air and pomposity "
- " His vanity and self-importance knows no bounds "
- "  He hates to be quizzed , questioned or criticised regarding any condemnation about his behaviour as unwarranted persecution "  
- " The man loves to wallow in his glory but steadfastly refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others "
-  " He is completely unable to see , perceive or recognise , let alone accept , the unreasonableness firmly entrenched in his unfounded beliefs and points of view "
- " The man's a tosser ! "

        

BRIDGE BOOKS BEST KEPT FOR A RAINY DAY.......

• Partner What On Earth Are You Up To ?..............................Ima  P. King
• My Lady Partner Is Young And Drop Dead Gorgeous............Q. T. Doll
• Half The Players In My Club Are Cheating Dogs.....................R. U. Shaw
• Partner Is There A Brain Inside Your Head Or What ?............M. T. Vessell
• Bridge Players Never Form An Orderly Queue.......................Jocelyn Ann Pushin
• Partner There's No Need For You And I To Fall Out...............Les Maycup
• After Long Bridge Sessions I'm Mentally Exhausted..............Sue J. Didd
• There Is Only One Thing To Say About ZT Policies................Sacha Loda Balls
• Partner I'm Always Here For You If You Need Support...........Leon Mee
• I Can't Stop Myself From Having Dreadful Tantrums  .............Paddy Thrower
• I Really Do Prefer Playing Bridge During The Afternoon.........Matt Tinnay
• Look I've No Time To Listen To Gossip And Tittle-Tattle........Candice Knott-Waite

THE NORTHERN PRO KEEPS ON TINKERING WITH HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

BIGOT REVEALS YET ANOTHER SECRET ABOUT HIMSELF........

SLOW BRIDGE PLAYERS : THE INVISIBLE CHEATS......
( Article by Carp )

Slow players are in my humble view the invisible cheats in the world of bridge: unrecognised and ignored by those in authority. Their personal torment of course is never knowing what to bid or which card to play next. Their world is one of confusion , self-doubt and dithering. Yet their nightmare is nothing compared to the torment they inflict upon their embarrassed partners and distraught opponents. Slow players  test everyone's patience to such an extent maintaining self-control becomes almost impossible. Yet nothing is ever done to root this evil from this game.
So let's look at the consequences of slow play and the way it sullies this cherished and hallowed game :
1. The stress levels for those at the table is akin to a boiling pot with the lid pressed down
2. Unwanted pressure is put on others to hurry their decisions simply to recover the lost time
3. By being cheated out of their fair share of thinking time , other players are now far more to
    make uncharacteristic mistakes
4. The game takes on an unfavourable reputation of being painfully boring
5. Starting times for the next round can be held up risking the cancellation of the final round
6. Any poor souls following a slow pair often find themselves half-a-board down before they
    even get to the vacated seats
7. Slow play might well be used as a psychological weapon to rattle the opponents, which 
    clearly amounts to another form of invisible cheating

Indeed , slow play represents acts of gross selfishness , which warrants both warnings and stiff penalties. If cricketers can be fined for slow play then so should all other kinds of sportsmen including bridge players. To see a player um and arr over a decision in circumstances where
the bog standard choice is obviously right , it's no wonder why those adversely affected by these unnecessary delays tend to blow a gasket. So can anyone please explain to me why zero tolerance policies choose to ignore the shocking behaviour of slow play.

BIGOT GIVES A LESSON IN THE TRUE ART OF SIGNALLING.........

NEWSFLASH :  BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE FORCED TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION.....

One poor unfortunate UK bridge club has been forced to close down having spent nearly £136,000 on window repairs over the last six years.A spokesman for the club said ; " The problem of flying bridgemates had got out of control.  Elderly members were incapable of throwing them with any degree of accuracy. Far too many attempts missed their intended targets only to end up smashing through the windows. "

Finances at the club had been so severely stretched ,  the committee had no other option but to close down the club. One member who had suggested steel meshing to be fixed to the inside window frames was completely ignored . Another poor sole who suggested reverting back to scoring up the boards on travellers was told in no uncertain terms to bugger off. Indeed , the club chairman believed that the bridgemate technology was here to stay , and that in future all members would be given lessons in piloting these lethal objects with precision and accuracy.

                                            

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES ARE FLAWED : WHY ISN'T
ANYONE LISTENING ?............. ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Zero tolerance simply equates to zero judgement for bridge club officers.  These rule bound , rigid , inflexible keepers of the peace only act on what is laid down as best behaviour code of conduct , imposing punishments on all who are deemed to have committed rule violations no matter how small....... and certainly never taking into account any mitigating circumstances.
This blind and blinkered approach to enforcing rules come-what-may compels me to raise that warning flag.  Indeed , whenever a club committee adheres to a one-size-fit-all policy injustice will rear its ugly head for sure. There will be a list of unresolved issues when punishment seems unjust and unfair , akin to using a sledge hammer to crack a small nut. Those who dish out unwarranted and disproportionate punishment will either look foolish or vindictive. 
Zero tolerance does in my view has an important part to play in addressing gross misconduct , but in other situations where rule violations are petty and insignificant such draconian policies are flawed. Surely to god there are other preventative measures which can be put in place to improve behaviour without using the proverbial sledge hammer. I'm all in favour of progressive fines as money tends to have a sobering effect on most people. 
What upsets me more than anything is seeing punishment handed out to the innocent for crimes committed by the guilty. Why should a player be reprimanded for showing his /her disapproval  ( with a few well chosen words ) to a slow player. This kind of villain , who one could unfortunately be following all night around the room ,  not only disrupts the play , but also likely to hold up the whole movement ,  often causing the last round of boards to be forfeited. 
ZT policies are by definition inflexible , harsh and lacking in common sense. Law enforcement officers , or should I say bridge police , need to apply both compassion and discretion when mitigating circumstances can clearly be established.
In common law the starting point is always establish a general rule , but over the years in the interests of justice wisdom has prevailed as learned judges introduce exceptions to the rule , and then where necessary exceptions to the exceptions. Everything is judged in effect on the merits of the case , where mitigating circumstances will always be explored and acknowledged. 
Therefore within the framework of ZT policies , there needs to be a measure of flexibility and movement in order to establish a reasonable and fair minded response. Bringing a knife into a club with intent to harm someone is one thing , but bringing a knife in to use in self defence is another.

PROFILE OF A TRULY OBNOXIOUS BRIDGE PLAYER......
( By Carp )

The most telling characteristics , which are there for all to see , are listed below :

1.  Sits sideways on at the table
2.  Leans well back with legs well apart
3.  Portrays an air of superiority ( which his inability at the game cannot justify )
4.  Condescending attitude towards his partners
5.  Loves to hold court even though no one wants to listen
6.  Hums when happy: tuts when distressed
7.  Blames everyone else but never himself
8.  Huffs and puffs when under pressure
9.  Places his cards on the table in a casual , nonchalant way
10. Forever calling the TD over for perceived rule violations 
11. Always a sarcastic tone in his voice
12. Loves the sound of his own voice
13. Never listens
14.  Reacts badly to any form of criticism 
15.  Acts and behaves like a spoilt child and/or injured prima donna 
16.  Oblivious to his irritating habits ( which are many )
17.  Deliberate and annoyingly slow
18.  Oozes smugness when luck is going his way
19.  Greets opponents with insincere politeness and false bonhomme 
20.  Name dropper of the highest order when boasting and bragging  

     " Doctor......I don't need you to give me a ticking off......I've got
        a bridge partner who does that job very well indeed  "

WHY COMPUTERS WILL NEVER BEAT AN EXPERT PAIR AT BRIDGE................. ( Article by Carp )

In games like chess , backgammon and go there's a one-to-one confrontation. The computer has full information of the board and pieces in play. The process of determining the best moves can be solved by decision trees , with options supported by reference to a large database of previous games , where both winning and losing moves are on record.
Bridge on the other hand would require two computers to operate independently of each other but in keeping with an agreed , albeit programmed , system card. Their understanding will therefore be in accordance with all the rules of the game , agreed conventions ,  logical deductions and mathematical/ probability analysis. What a computer pairing may never be able to achieve is table presence , intuition and an instinct for deceptive play. How can computers pick up the vibes from opponents' pauses , hesitations , moments of indecision and changes of mind ?  No matter how good the programming , computers may not be able work out what is going on when deceptive smokescreens are created by their expert opponents.
Indeed , when computers are hit with high level pre-empts, psyches , and/or off-center bids any decisions arrived at can be based on inaccurate data and/or false assumptions. The experts of course will possess are far greater understanding of the situation , knowing that all is not what it seems.
Playing bridge involves far too many intangibles that cannot be programmed into a computer. For instance experts know intuitively when the time is right to introduce " swinging " onto their bidding and play. Moreover , experts know how to muddy the waters to make life difficult for opponents , and when to adopt a passive or aggressive stance in bidding and/or defence. World class players have of course the ability to be imaginative , flexible and deceptive . They know how to set traps , smell rats , and to weave intricate webs of deception. Often in a well established pairing , each player develops a sixth sense as to what his/her partner is all about. This isn't cheating for it is wisdom based on years of experience. Computers are forced to rely on cold logic , and analysis based on hard facts stored in their memory banks.
Bridge they say is a game which to an extent relies on luck. Decisions often made in the absence of any information require a player to make a guess. Luck they say evens out allowing computers and humans to get the same amount. However , experts make their own luck by persuading their opponents into taking the wrong option .False carding along with other forms of deceptive play may become the only option for a defence , bereft of points , to outwit and outflank their opponents. Can computers recognize these situations at the table, or know how to spot and react to such cunning. ? 
So yes , at present my money will always be wagered on the experts to win.......at least for another century.   
   

BRIDGE PLAYERS KNOW THEY'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN......

- getting up from their seats takes more than one go
- partners constantly diagnose everything they do as possible symptoms of ill-health
- fanning all 13 cards becomes a major problem
- they claim to know all the answers but no one bothers to ask the questions
- at least 30% of their weight is in just one place
- they have to rest immediately after bending down to retrieve a dropped card
- success has now become a case of not coming bottom 
- they constantly peek at their system cards in order to remember what conventions
  are on it
- members who warn them to slow down are all qualified doctors
- instead of combing their hair they focus far more on arranging it
- damp seats forever follow them around the room
- they yearn to wallow in nostalgia but they can't remember their past
- they suddenly switch from slating older members to now much younger ones  
- their idea of getting fresh air involves sitting next to an open window
- their perception of a quick bid is one that takes between 30-40 seconds
- guesswork now replaces logical deduction and analysis
- getting close to the table involves pulling in stomachs before pulling in the chairs
- the faces of their next opponents light up with joy at the prospect of some easy tops 

IT'S ALL TOO EASY FOR PLAYERS TO LOSE THEIR COOL WHEN PARTNERS LOSE THEIR WAY........ ( Article by Carp ) 

Let's face it inept partners can drive anyone to blow their stack. How players are meant to keep their cool when partners keep on pressing self-destruct buttons is beyond me. Indeed , over the years I've had to clench my fists, bite my tongue and bottle my anger and frustration because of partner's carelessness and idiocy. How can anyone be expected to cope with a partner who during a session commits the following sins :
1.  Forgets what's on the system card
2.  Hands out advantages to the opponents by bidding and playing cards out of turn
3.  Makes careless discards which then exposes you to an excruciating squeeze
4.  Pulls your excellent doubles into a doomed contracts 
5.  Fails to return a suit which which you were planning to ruff
6.  Fails to cash a winner because of his/her failure to count  
7.  Ignores both obvious and blatantly obvious signals
8.  Always manages to choose grossly inferior lines of play
9.  Forgets to alert artificial opening bids 
10. Leaves in your take-out doubles
11. Misbids distributional two-suited hands
12. Allows suits to be blocked
13. Maroons him/herself from winners in dummy
14. Pulls trumps when cross-ruffing provides the best chance of making tricks
15. Loves to lead out unsupported honours
16. Gifts opponents galactic tops
17. Can never recall the bidding or cards played earlier on
18. Hesitates for ages before passing
19. Selects a card to be played ahead of everyone else
20. Falls into the simplest of traps set by the opponents
21. Misses every opportunity to punish slip-ups by the opponents
22. Goes on walkabouts
23. Can never recognise what declarer is up to
24. Loves to give opponents free get-out-of-jail cards
25. Doesn't know or understand the concept of safety play
26. Over bids on poor hands while underbidding on good hands

Need I go on because in even in these few examples any saint would succumb to flying into a rage invoking the wrath of the zero tolerance enforcement officers , who of course have no idea or sympathy as to what you have had to suffer.   

YET ANOTHER AMAZING BUT TRUE STORY.....( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 


A psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving out an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression , he asked " How would you diagnose a person who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute , then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next ? A geeky looking young man on the edge of the front row raised his hand and answered " someone who plays bridge ".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) CLAIM THAT THEIR NEW POLICING INITIATIVE HAS BEEN A RESOUNDING SUCCESS 

Under the revamped terms of their sub-zero tolerance policy , uniformed bridge police have been introduced into the club to help the beleaguered directors sort out unruly , foul-mouthed , disrespectful members.
By patrolling the aisles during play , these enforcement officers have proceeded to crack down hard on any member guilty of even whispering an insult , derogatory remark or out-of-order comment at another person in the room. Without any hesitation the bridge police  have frog-marched the culprits away from the playing area only to be given ultimatums : pay an on-the-spot £50 fine , or be unceremoniously chucked out of the club.
If an offender ,  who has already paid one fine, then foolishly repeats the error of his ways later on , the ultimatum now becomes " pay an on-the-spot £100 fine , or be ejected from the club out of a second floor window " .  
Not surprisingly this bold new initiative has been a resounding success. Bridge at the club is currently being played in an atmosphere of total quietness , in which members now behave like pious monks , as though they have been sworn to vows of absolute silence. Moreover , the club has increased its weekly revenue by well over 700% . Indeed , many of the persistent loud-mouthed , nasty-minded reprobates have left the club unable to pay the ever-increasing fines. In one case a particularly gobby member had been ordered to pay £1600 for his sixth offence.  So when he declined to do so ,  the bridge police had no qualms about slinging him off the roof of the building.
As a consequence of this initiative the club is looking into two more money-making initiatives, such as offering insurance for injuries incurred by those who have been slung out ( or off ) the building , along with specialist legal advice on wills.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE GAME....... ( Like Pun )

• Rudeness At The Tables ?  Call In The Bridge Police................L. O. Hellow
• I'm Going To Report Your Rudeness To The Committee............C. F. I. Kair
• If He Gets Half A Chance He'll Peek At Your Cards..................B. D. Hyde
• Appealing Against The Committee's Decision Is Pointless........Y. B. Bothard
• What !  You Expect The Committee To Reinstate You ?............U. R. Kidding
• You Want Me To Help You Get Back Into This Club ?.................F. N. L. Mann
• As Chairman I've Received Dozens Of Poison Pen Letters.........M. T. Thretts
• What Goes On In This Club I Always Get To Know About.............I. C. Hall
• Many Will Turn Up To The EGM With Only One Objective.............Ray Sinell 
• How Do I Feel When An Expert Outbids And Outplays Me ?........N. V. Forshaw

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Ace  :   the name given to a crack flying bridgemate pilot
• Fog of uncertainty : what the average bridge player finds himself in at the table
• Psyche : a bid born out of boredom and/or mischief , which is a complete lie
• Post mortem : a wonderful opportunity to transfer the blame for a wretched board onto your innocent partner
• Partner : one of the three opponents you are up against , always the most formidable and unpredictable
• Claim : a time saving device by which declarer can win all the remaining tricks purely on his/her say so 
• No trump sign off : a fall back denomination when two squabbling players can't agree on a suit contract 
• Mistake : a concept which never applies to experts , who of course can only succumb to minor errors of judgement 
• Flair : a term to describe the pure logic experts employ to successfully play out a hand , which is way beyond the comprehension of the amateurs looking on
• TNT : ( i ) an acronym for the total number of tricks ( ii ) what you would like to ignite under the chair of your inept and hapless partner

FAILING PARTNERSHIPS : KNOWING WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY............. ( Article by Carp )

Many partnerships just like marriages end in divorce on the grounds of an irretrievable breakdown. In some cases players can get through partners on a yearly basis , in the hope and belief that the perfect one will come along tomorrow. Indeed , some short-lived partnerships don't even make it beyond the initial honeymoon period , such is the acute impatience of players who possess huge egos and unrealistic expectations.
However , what is an irrefutable truth is that every partnership has its up and downs.  The majority of players ( thank God ) sensibly realise that these oscillations are inevitable given the way in which the fickle finger of fate can operate. Results at bridge depend far more at what has gone on at other tables rather than what has happened at yours. 
Nevertheless , when results go against you the partnership does come under pressure , and relationships can suffer as a consequence. So is it possible for relationships to sink to such depths where the prospect of recovery is nil ?  Sadly , the answer is yes. This scenario occurs when the relationship is tainted by the foul whiff of contempt. Whether it comes from you , or at you , that is the moment when the partnership is in doomed . This is the moment to call it a day and move on to pastures new.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all emotions. It transcends sarcastic jibes , or cutting remarks such as " partner....you played that hand like a moron " . Moreover , there is no disguising the contempt which is always etched into player's facial expression. Often , this look is accompanied by a brief sneer , followed by an eye roll to complement a tiny almost imperceptible lift of the top lip on the left side of the mouth . The contemptuous sneer therefore is a dead giveaway that the partnership is in its death throes and can never recover. 
Contempt might well manifest itself in thinly disguised albeit witty put downs or acidic humour. At the other extreme ,  contempt will be the bitter icing on a cake laced apocalyptic criticism . Such an attack will be made against the person rather than the ineptness of a particular bid or play of the cards. In each case at its root there is unbridled anger and disdain , where one player attempts to pronounce superiority over the other through actions designed to be mocking and divisive.
Whether a player is dishing it out or is on the receiving end , contempt is a killer. There is nothing else quite so destructive to partnership harmony and mutual respect. It is without doubt an extreme form of verbal and psychological abuse , both belittling and demeaning in every way.
So my advice is this. If you are in a partnership which is already showing signs of negative behaviour  patterns , bail out before contempt sets in. So what if you say goodbye to a cracking good player , your self confidence and sanity must surely come first. Look for a partner who is far more forgiving and accepting of who you are and how you play the game.

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR OBESE PLAYERS TO FEAST AND GORGE UPON.......( As recommended by Pun )

• My Club Spent A Fortune Just To Get Rid Of Member...................Sacha Horfall-Waist
• My Partner Seems To Drop One Clanger After Another.................Belle Ringer
• I'll Show You How To Make All Thirteen Tricks On This Hand.........Lowen  B. Holde
• What To Do If Someone Accuses You Of Cheating ........................Lyle Ike Adog
• The Day Bigot-Johnson Turned Up To The Club Stark Naked..........Noah Parell
• Before The Start Of Play Everyone Must Recite The ZT Creed.........Dewey Hafter
• Winning At Bridge Requires Going In For The Kill.............................Drew Blood 
• To Stay A Winner Simply Means Going On A Killing Spree.............Andrew Moreblood 
• There's One Player Who I Find Most Intimidating And Scary............Denise Arnocken
• Partner , If You Must Insult Me Then Please Do So Quietly................Danielle Soloud
• ZT Policies Need To Be Robustly And Religiously Enforced.............Bess B. Haver 
• What's Needed To Insult Partner And Amuse All Bystanders............Ray P. R. Whit

MORE OF BIGOT'S DARK AND SINFUL PAST COMES TO LIGHT..........

CAN WE KEEP THE TROPHY PLEASE ?...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Imagine this scenario : a team representing their country qualify in a regional event for the world championship finals , which as it happens they go on to win. Then it transpires that in the qualifying round one pair had now been exposed as cheats , although they didn't take part in the finals. The team which did take part played with great skill , honesty and integrity and were worthy winners. Should this team be stripped of their title and be forced to return the trophy ?
The answer must be a resounding YES.
No matter how hard it appears to be for the members of the winning team to forfeit their title, imagine how hard it is for the runners up in the qualifier to know that cheating had robbed them of a place in the finals. But the harsh reality is this. If the cheating incidents had come to light before the final , the team would have been disqualified straightaway with the runners up taking their place. Indeed the discredited team  had no legitimate right to participate , because there has to be a fundamental requirement that participation for the finals was honestly earned. So even if the cheating incidents came to light after the finals , then disqualification can and must be RETROSPECTIVELY implemented. In these circumstances all the results involving the discredited team should automatically be made null and void , with new winners duly declared. 
So yes , this particular history book has to be rewritten with the trophy handed back. 
    

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FEW PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT..... ( Except for Pun of course )

• I Would Never Dare Cheat In Big Tournaments.............................Freida B. N. Court
• Why Do I Always Find Myself In Sticky Situations ?.... ................Mabel Sirrup
• If You Call Me A Cheat Then Suffer The Consequences...............Sue U. Forshore
• Don't Let Countless Bottoms Get You Down................................Troy Ardour 
• Thank God The Club Is Being Run By Sensible People................Lester Worryabout
• What Makes A Partner So Wonderfully Compatible ?...................Dick Fitzwell 
• This Is The Second Time He's Denied Being A Cheat..................Eli Dagane
• Why Is It That Members Call Me A Snivelling Wretch ?..................Ron . E. Nose
• What Does It Matter If You Keep On Losing ?................................Carrie Henri-Gardless
• Partnering Top Class Players Is So Rewarding.............................Benny Fishall
• OK Then  Partner I'll Tell You What's On My Mind !.........................Barry McCokinue 
• Yes Director He Did Insult The Oppo But Then He Scarpered........Sawyer Cummin 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......................

• Calamity :  a painful reminder that incurring 800+ penalty doubles are far more costly than letting the opponents quietly make their vulnerable games
• Bore : a player who loves the sound of his/her voice
• Congratulations : hollow and insincere words of praise offered to the winners by the grief stricken desperately unlucky runners up
• Chairman : a ingenious devil who covers secretly made decisions with the pretence of arriving at them through open discussion and debate during a full committee meeting
• Letter of complaint : an opportunity to knife someone in the back by alleging a wrongdoing which was in fact engineered by the complainant him/herself : an outpouring of venom and hate in writing 
• Accountability : an admirable but missing requirement for those who take up key posts in committee
• Partner : a term associated with being an accomplice to a crime, which usually relates to cheating at the table ( or backing up false allegations outlined in letters of complaint ) 
• Diplomacy : the art of lying to save one's skin by casting the blame elsewhere
• Eavesdropping : an intelligence gathering exercise commonly used by unscrupulous bridge players who seek to profit from any loose table gossip about hands just played
• Folly : turning a resolvable dispute into years of protracted litigation , bitter recriminations and crippling unrecoverable costs , leaving the lawyers as the only beneficiaries of such reckless spending 
• Insult : a cutting remark next in degree of enormity to a slight 
• Experience : the wisdom that enables a player to repeat the same mistake again in the belief that this time the anti-percentage odds will be in his/her favour 
• Applause : stage managed responses to grand announcements made by committee officers at AGMs 
• Defamation : what happens when a member seizes an opportunity to lie about another before issuing an apology , which of course has no chance at all of restoring the victim's reputation
• Consultation : an irritating requirement to include the ordinary members in the decision making process. This involves listening to members' disapproval and concerns before adopting a course of action which has already been decided upon months before 

NEWSFLASH :  THIS WEEK'S DISCIPLINARY  HEARING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC HEADQUARTERS SEES BIGOT-JOHNSON BEING TRIED FOR CHEATING

(  The following extract from the hearing's transcript involves the chairman and Bigot-Johnson almost coming to blows in a bitter and acrimonious exchange )

Chairman (C) : Bigot....you're nothing but a despicable cheat !
B-J : Why don't you step outside and repeat that remark
C : No.... I'll stay inside if you don't mind....it's raining
B-J :  You sir are a coward and a tosser , who knows nothing about the game.... having little or no evidence at all to back up these false and scurrilous accusations about my unholy table tactics
C : Oh..... but we do have evidence of your underhand tactics.... because we've got a hand that clearly exposes your cheating shenanigans
B-J : WHAT hand was this ?
C :  Board 13
B-J : Ah yes.....that was the one which effectively won me the trophy. Indeed , I was the only one who managed to take the 6S contract off 
C : Exactly ! And that was all down to the fact that you and your partner were secretly exchanging information about the length of your shortest suits .....especially in relation to having a singleton or void
B-J : Absolute rubbish
C : You were dealt :  A.....AKQxxx....xxxx...xx
B-J : That is correct...
C : And your RHO opened 1D to which you overcalled 2H. Then your LHO doubled , showing the two other suits ,  and although your partner jumped to 4H .... your RHO with a slam in mind bid 4NT. So the moment he discovered that partner held two key cards in the black suits he went straight to 6S  
B-J : Yes...a contract which I promptly DOUBLED !
C : So how come you lead a diamond .....which happened to be the only way this contract could be beat .....by finding partner with a stiff ?
B-J : Yes ....that's what happens when he gets excited...but you do have to admit that lead was purely inspirational 
C : No .....it wasn't inspirational......it was based on unauthorised information passed over to you during the auction . Any sane player would have put the Ace of hearts down if only to get a look a dummy.....and to avoid any risk of partner's honour holding in the minors being swallowed up.
B-J : I didn't like the idea of leading a top heart......especially since I knew declarer would be ruffing it......so the choice was a club or a diamond
C : Then why a diamond......and not a club
B-J : Didn't fancy a club
C : Why was that ?
B-J : Instinct 
C : And why the double ?
B-J : Because 6S wasn't making
C: But how did you know ?
B-J : Instinct
C: Instinct ?
B-J : I can always tell .....or should I say smell......a singleton when it's lurking about
C : Explain
B-J : Well, whenever an opponent bids a suit in which my partner holds a singleton his little pinkie immediately stands upright
C : I've heard enough......you Bigot are banned for cheating.....and partner will also get banned for his outrageous finger signalling