BIGOT-JOHNSON SEES DR.JOHN...........
B-J : Doctor I feel terrible......
Dr.J : In what way ?
B-J : I'm a bad person.....full of sanctimonious twaddle and self-righteous bullshit
Dr.J : No.....
B-J : Who loves taking the higher moral ground
Dr.J : No....
B-J : Yes....who writes a monstrous bridge blog which is nothing more than malicious drivel
Dr. J : No...
B-J : Packed with vulgar, vitriolic and vile articles
Dr. J : I would never have guessed.....
B-J : Where a single grain of truth gets embellished by fictitious bile.... supposedly under the pretext that the article is clever and inventive writing , rich in parody and satire
Dr. J : You do yourself a disservice.....
B-J : Doctor.....my sick, bitter and twisted mind needs to be thoroughly cleansed, sterilised ....purified....freed from invasive poison that has corrupted it over the years .....I desperately need your help
Dr. J : There....there.....no need to cry.....you're just a bit depressed.....that's all
B-J : Really ?
Dr.J : Yes....so why not take one of my own brand happy pills
( Bigot-Johnson swallows one down and the effect is immediate )
B-J : Wow.....do I feel better
Dr.J : In what way ?
B-J : I have this wonderful feeling of euphoria.....
Dr.J : Yes ?
B-J : I feel the need to go out, buy a gun, rush back to the Slaughter House, drag out a pantopod and shoot him there and then in cold blood
Dr. J : Back to your old self I see
Br. J : Tell me doctor how much do you want for those pills ?....I've got my cheque book with me so just name your price
Dr. J : £5,000
B-J : It's a deal....why with £1.3 million in my personal bank account that's just small change
Dr.J : Well, thanks for the cheque
B-J : Duty calls....time I buggered off....important things to buy
Dr.J : Yes...no time like the present.....
Monday, 18 March 2013
THE LEGAL STATUS OF BRIDGE CLUBS : THE RISKS AND DANGERS OF BEING AN UNINCORPORATED ASSOCIATION........ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Any sports and social club has a choice over its legal status : the options being ( i) an unincorporated association (ii) a charity, or (iii) a private limited company. However, the purpose of this article is not to look and the pros and cons of each, but to explore the implications of being an unincorporated association.
Having no separate legal identity or personality puts the club members into a very awkward situation right from the start. Since the club is not a legal entity in any shape or form it cannot sue or be sued, or hold property in its own name. Accordingly, when an outsider is trying to sue the club the first crucial question to answer is this : who is actually liable ?
Certain individuals in the club must therefore be made legally responsible for the actions alleged to be wrongful. Instances of ordinary members becoming liable for debts incurred are very unlikely, especially when the officers of the club have consented, under the provisions of the constitution , to take on full management responsibilities.
Often third parties are sometimes unsure as to which individual members and officers to sue, never confident of the legal outcome of their actions, even when successful. For instance, can the damages and costs awarded to them be met by the losing defendants ?
Sadly, the law relating to unincorporated associations is both a scant and confusing, and because of the lack of case law it is difficult to be definitive on what questions need to be explored, and how those questions might be answered. Can clubs borrow money ? What powers of borrowing, if any, have been conferred on the committee, or the club's trustees, and what limits and restrictions are in place ? Does substantial borrowing have to be secured against club property? Do committee members or officers have put themselves up as guarantors, or as named individuals who are prepared to be personally liable in the event of any repayment default ?
The distress, so often felt by many concerned members, is often compounded by uncertainty and hopeless attempts to determine what their actual liability is. Ask the complacent club member and you will get two conflicting views of the position : either they are not liable for any debt, or they all face the risk of unlimited liability. Some quite rightly believe that a member's liability should be limited to the amount of the subscription, because when he joins a club he does not intend to incur any liability beyond his subscriptions payable under the rules. However, given that a member or an officer could be found liable for a debt, his liability is usually unlimited.
Then there's the issue of differentiating between members' donations and members loaning money to the club. Donations should be considered as income as no liability is incurred on receipt of the funds handed over. Loans however do involve some form of contractual undertaking, where the funds received place a financial short-term ( or long-term liability ) on the club's balance sheet. Indeed, when ever the club borrows money, from whatever source, legal advice would well be advised. Any loan taken out by the committee, or the club's trustees, needs to be an authorised and/or permitted activity within both the club's internal rules, and the law of the land. But in what ways might this authorisation come about ? Given that loans are contracts will members, who subsequently ratify such transactions entered into on their behalf without previous authority, become equally liable ? Tough questions even for those some basic knowledge of the relevant law.
The irony of course is that unincorporated associations are usually managed and run by willing, enthusiastic volunteers, who by having little or no idea of the law allow obscure and difficult legal issues to be ignored, or overlooked. Ignorance in law is never an excuse. Therefore, when risks and dangers lurk in the uncharted waters of legal uncertainty, it is perhaps better to sail in well mapped seas, preferably in a ship registered as a private limited company.
Any sports and social club has a choice over its legal status : the options being ( i) an unincorporated association (ii) a charity, or (iii) a private limited company. However, the purpose of this article is not to look and the pros and cons of each, but to explore the implications of being an unincorporated association.
Having no separate legal identity or personality puts the club members into a very awkward situation right from the start. Since the club is not a legal entity in any shape or form it cannot sue or be sued, or hold property in its own name. Accordingly, when an outsider is trying to sue the club the first crucial question to answer is this : who is actually liable ?
Certain individuals in the club must therefore be made legally responsible for the actions alleged to be wrongful. Instances of ordinary members becoming liable for debts incurred are very unlikely, especially when the officers of the club have consented, under the provisions of the constitution , to take on full management responsibilities.
Often third parties are sometimes unsure as to which individual members and officers to sue, never confident of the legal outcome of their actions, even when successful. For instance, can the damages and costs awarded to them be met by the losing defendants ?
Sadly, the law relating to unincorporated associations is both a scant and confusing, and because of the lack of case law it is difficult to be definitive on what questions need to be explored, and how those questions might be answered. Can clubs borrow money ? What powers of borrowing, if any, have been conferred on the committee, or the club's trustees, and what limits and restrictions are in place ? Does substantial borrowing have to be secured against club property? Do committee members or officers have put themselves up as guarantors, or as named individuals who are prepared to be personally liable in the event of any repayment default ?
The distress, so often felt by many concerned members, is often compounded by uncertainty and hopeless attempts to determine what their actual liability is. Ask the complacent club member and you will get two conflicting views of the position : either they are not liable for any debt, or they all face the risk of unlimited liability. Some quite rightly believe that a member's liability should be limited to the amount of the subscription, because when he joins a club he does not intend to incur any liability beyond his subscriptions payable under the rules. However, given that a member or an officer could be found liable for a debt, his liability is usually unlimited.
Then there's the issue of differentiating between members' donations and members loaning money to the club. Donations should be considered as income as no liability is incurred on receipt of the funds handed over. Loans however do involve some form of contractual undertaking, where the funds received place a financial short-term ( or long-term liability ) on the club's balance sheet. Indeed, when ever the club borrows money, from whatever source, legal advice would well be advised. Any loan taken out by the committee, or the club's trustees, needs to be an authorised and/or permitted activity within both the club's internal rules, and the law of the land. But in what ways might this authorisation come about ? Given that loans are contracts will members, who subsequently ratify such transactions entered into on their behalf without previous authority, become equally liable ? Tough questions even for those some basic knowledge of the relevant law.
The irony of course is that unincorporated associations are usually managed and run by willing, enthusiastic volunteers, who by having little or no idea of the law allow obscure and difficult legal issues to be ignored, or overlooked. Ignorance in law is never an excuse. Therefore, when risks and dangers lurk in the uncharted waters of legal uncertainty, it is perhaps better to sail in well mapped seas, preferably in a ship registered as a private limited company.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE CRONOS COMPLEX
The stereo-typical male bridge player, irrespective of his level of ability, tends to harbour the notion that he is by far the stronger half of a partnership, or the strongest link in the team. Vanity, conceitedness, and self delusion are just the incidental characteristics, possessed by those who fall victim to this particular complex .
However, the most crucial and important component of this tragic condition is that whenever the victim perceives any threat to his perceived status as the " stronger " player, he immediately sets about the task of devouring his doubting partners and teammates. His desire to eat them alive becomes overwhelming. The risk of being disposed as " king " requires a brutal response, and the verbal assassination of any pretender to his crown.
Unable to cope with the thought of being the weaker link or playing second fiddle, the Cronos sufferer might eventually be forced to take even more drastic action, such as taking on new partners and team mates, who no doubt will be in awe of his status. Careful selection will ensure these recruits are close to his standard, but never exceeding.
Sadly, the Cronos Complex is one that cannot be treated without the victim experiencing the urge to commit suicide, if asked to face the unpalatable truth. The reality that others are, or could become, better players than him is one he doggedly sets out to reject.
The stereo-typical male bridge player, irrespective of his level of ability, tends to harbour the notion that he is by far the stronger half of a partnership, or the strongest link in the team. Vanity, conceitedness, and self delusion are just the incidental characteristics, possessed by those who fall victim to this particular complex .
However, the most crucial and important component of this tragic condition is that whenever the victim perceives any threat to his perceived status as the " stronger " player, he immediately sets about the task of devouring his doubting partners and teammates. His desire to eat them alive becomes overwhelming. The risk of being disposed as " king " requires a brutal response, and the verbal assassination of any pretender to his crown.
Unable to cope with the thought of being the weaker link or playing second fiddle, the Cronos sufferer might eventually be forced to take even more drastic action, such as taking on new partners and team mates, who no doubt will be in awe of his status. Careful selection will ensure these recruits are close to his standard, but never exceeding.
Sadly, the Cronos Complex is one that cannot be treated without the victim experiencing the urge to commit suicide, if asked to face the unpalatable truth. The reality that others are, or could become, better players than him is one he doggedly sets out to reject.
Saturday, 16 March 2013
BRIDGE BOOKS BEST KEPT OUT OF SIGHT.......( By pays-to-be-cautious Pun )
- Bigot-Johnson Prefers Rearing Sheep To Bridge ..............Josh Kyn
- Beef Up Your System Card With Fancy Gadgets.............Sir Leon Stake
- Bidding Systems Which Are A Load Of Bollocks............Poppy Cock
- Bridge Tactics For Men Who Like Coming From Behind.....Betty Buoys
- Getting To Grips With Those Awful Bottoms....................R. Swipes
- Partner, Keep Your Hands To Yourself............................Hew Groper
- Boy, You Should See My Hot Dog Stand........................Thomas Everard
- Partnership Bust Up Leads To An All Out Fight ..............R. G. Bargie
- Spoonerisms In Comic Bedside Bridge Books................Mary Hinge
- I'll Tell You What Our TD Is Like !..................................Ariel Payne
- At Our Bridge Club You'll Have A Ball............................Ann Chain
THE REVEALING CONVERSATION RESUMES......
A day later as Bigot was making his way to the County Court, he bumps into the very same highly inquisitive student member.
M : Hello there........but please tell me if I'm wrong.....the SHBC is an unincorporated association, yes ?
B-J : Correct....but so what
M : And didn't you tell me that the club borrows money from its members to set up an ongoing legal expenses fighting fund ?
B-J : Yes I did.....but what of it
M : And this borrowing is carried out by means of numerous loan contracts ?
B-J : Yes....so what are you trying to say ?
M : Well....if the club is an unincorporated association then it has no separate legal identity or personality......which means in effect that members can only loan money to other club members. The reality is that " the club " as non-legal entity has no capacity to contract with its members.
B-J : If you say so....but what's the big deal ?
M : Well....it seems to me that the club officers.....or its trustees......are best placed to act as parties to a series of loan contracts.....and this in turn means they must be the ones who are personally liable for the repayment of the loan debt. Otherwise the liability of this loan debt would fall upon all the club members........ including those who loaned the money
B-J : That hopefully will be the case......repayment will simply come from the future income generated by the table money and members' subscriptions
M : But what if the only members left in the club are the very same members who are owed money by the club ? This would mean they would be liable to themselves......or to put it another way they would be repaying themselves from their own table money and subscriptions. Moreover, if problems arose over repayments, then they would end up having to sue themselves !
B-J : Sounds very logical to me......
M : I'm shocked.....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off.....and let me get on with my business
A day later as Bigot was making his way to the County Court, he bumps into the very same highly inquisitive student member.
M : Hello there........but please tell me if I'm wrong.....the SHBC is an unincorporated association, yes ?
B-J : Correct....but so what
M : And didn't you tell me that the club borrows money from its members to set up an ongoing legal expenses fighting fund ?
B-J : Yes I did.....but what of it
M : And this borrowing is carried out by means of numerous loan contracts ?
B-J : Yes....so what are you trying to say ?
M : Well....if the club is an unincorporated association then it has no separate legal identity or personality......which means in effect that members can only loan money to other club members. The reality is that " the club " as non-legal entity has no capacity to contract with its members.
B-J : If you say so....but what's the big deal ?
M : Well....it seems to me that the club officers.....or its trustees......are best placed to act as parties to a series of loan contracts.....and this in turn means they must be the ones who are personally liable for the repayment of the loan debt. Otherwise the liability of this loan debt would fall upon all the club members........ including those who loaned the money
B-J : That hopefully will be the case......repayment will simply come from the future income generated by the table money and members' subscriptions
M : But what if the only members left in the club are the very same members who are owed money by the club ? This would mean they would be liable to themselves......or to put it another way they would be repaying themselves from their own table money and subscriptions. Moreover, if problems arose over repayments, then they would end up having to sue themselves !
B-J : Sounds very logical to me......
M : I'm shocked.....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off.....and let me get on with my business
A MOST REVEALING CONVERSATION.............
( As Bigot was walking down the street he bumps into a student member from one of his classes.)
Member (M ) : Hello there..... where are you heading ?
B-J : The bank.....to salt away the substantial legal fees I recently charged the club
M : How come ?
B-J : Well, whenever I put myself, or the club, into a legal scrape I feel obliged to rescue the situation by taking on the role of counsel for the defence
M : What !........ you don't volunteer your legal services for free ?
B-J : Absolutely right.......I charge the same rate as any highly qualified court room barrister
M : Oh...so how much I have earned from these court appearances ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : Wow......but how can a small bridge club like the Slaughter House afford it ?
B-J : Easy....I just get the members to loan the club money which immediately shores up the legal expenses fighting fund
M : Wow.....so how much money does the club now owe its members ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : So let me get this straight......your reckless actions as chairman all involve blatantly flouting the law.........to such an extent that you, or the club, get prosecuted or sued.........whereupon you get the members to finance your legal fees in defending these law suits........money which goes straight into your personal bank account. This simply means that as the club sinks further and further into debt, your personal wealth rockets up......
B-J : Yep....I think you've summed all that up in a very nice and succinct way
M : I'm shocked....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off and let me get on with my business
( As Bigot was walking down the street he bumps into a student member from one of his classes.)
Member (M ) : Hello there..... where are you heading ?
B-J : The bank.....to salt away the substantial legal fees I recently charged the club
M : How come ?
B-J : Well, whenever I put myself, or the club, into a legal scrape I feel obliged to rescue the situation by taking on the role of counsel for the defence
M : What !........ you don't volunteer your legal services for free ?
B-J : Absolutely right.......I charge the same rate as any highly qualified court room barrister
M : Oh...so how much I have earned from these court appearances ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : Wow......but how can a small bridge club like the Slaughter House afford it ?
B-J : Easy....I just get the members to loan the club money which immediately shores up the legal expenses fighting fund
M : Wow.....so how much money does the club now owe its members ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : So let me get this straight......your reckless actions as chairman all involve blatantly flouting the law.........to such an extent that you, or the club, get prosecuted or sued.........whereupon you get the members to finance your legal fees in defending these law suits........money which goes straight into your personal bank account. This simply means that as the club sinks further and further into debt, your personal wealth rockets up......
B-J : Yep....I think you've summed all that up in a very nice and succinct way
M : I'm shocked....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off and let me get on with my business
Thursday, 14 March 2013
LAW REPORT : LUCY PANTOPOD v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( 2013)
With the purge of the Pantopods now in full swing, another soon found herself ruthlessly thrown of the club on a serious disciplinary charge of assault and battery, against one of Bigot's most feared and respected committee members, Ronnie " The Vice Man " Kray. Taking her grievance all the way to the High Court, Bigot yet again stepped up to the plate to take on the role of defence counsel for the club. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.
Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : Ronnie " The Vice Man " Kray is a vicious bully....a real nasty piece of work
B-J : The man is a saint....
CP : My client is a frail, delicate old lady who has so little strength she's even unable to throw bridgemate........whereas Ronnie weighs in at 20 stone... and is all muscle
B-J : Nevertheless, it was your client that assaulted poor Ronnie, by rushing towards him and thrusting her upper arms into his hands........the force was such that one of his little fingers got hurt as a result
CP : Excuse me.....but I have a witness who will swear blind that Lucy Pantopod was..... at the time..... standing still, and that it was Ronnie who came towards her like a rampaging bull....only to hold her very firmly in one of his vice-like grips..... before shaking the woman to near death
B-J : Well, according to Ronnie he was merely trying to shake himself free....but hey, why not call this star witness of yours........because so far none of the other witnesses have said a dicky bird
( A very nervous, panic-stricken, white faced witness gets up and takes the stand )
B-J : Please tell the court what really happened ?
Witness : Can't recall.......
B-J : Thank God for that....so there you have it.....no evidence at all against Ronnie
Judge : So I see......but where is all this leading us ?
CP : Your honour, please allow me to put a few questions to this witness. I'm sure that everything will become apparent if I can just jog a memory a tiny bit
B-J : You'll not get a peep out of her........she's knows what in her best interests !
CP : My God.....I'm beginning to believe that strange, damnable , almost diabolic threats..... in this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue...........are choking all my witnesses here. A plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous has surely been hatched..... not just to get my client convicted at her club for a crime she didn't commit.........but to deny her justice in a court of law
Judge : Well, that's life......case dismissed......and Bigot.... does that now mean you can release my wife and daughter ?
B-J : Absolutely.......
With the purge of the Pantopods now in full swing, another soon found herself ruthlessly thrown of the club on a serious disciplinary charge of assault and battery, against one of Bigot's most feared and respected committee members, Ronnie " The Vice Man " Kray. Taking her grievance all the way to the High Court, Bigot yet again stepped up to the plate to take on the role of defence counsel for the club. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.
Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : Ronnie " The Vice Man " Kray is a vicious bully....a real nasty piece of work
B-J : The man is a saint....
CP : My client is a frail, delicate old lady who has so little strength she's even unable to throw bridgemate........whereas Ronnie weighs in at 20 stone... and is all muscle
B-J : Nevertheless, it was your client that assaulted poor Ronnie, by rushing towards him and thrusting her upper arms into his hands........the force was such that one of his little fingers got hurt as a result
CP : Excuse me.....but I have a witness who will swear blind that Lucy Pantopod was..... at the time..... standing still, and that it was Ronnie who came towards her like a rampaging bull....only to hold her very firmly in one of his vice-like grips..... before shaking the woman to near death
B-J : Well, according to Ronnie he was merely trying to shake himself free....but hey, why not call this star witness of yours........because so far none of the other witnesses have said a dicky bird
( A very nervous, panic-stricken, white faced witness gets up and takes the stand )
B-J : Please tell the court what really happened ?
Witness : Can't recall.......
B-J : Thank God for that....so there you have it.....no evidence at all against Ronnie
Judge : So I see......but where is all this leading us ?
CP : Your honour, please allow me to put a few questions to this witness. I'm sure that everything will become apparent if I can just jog a memory a tiny bit
B-J : You'll not get a peep out of her........she's knows what in her best interests !
CP : My God.....I'm beginning to believe that strange, damnable , almost diabolic threats..... in this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue...........are choking all my witnesses here. A plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous has surely been hatched..... not just to get my client convicted at her club for a crime she didn't commit.........but to deny her justice in a court of law
Judge : Well, that's life......case dismissed......and Bigot.... does that now mean you can release my wife and daughter ?
B-J : Absolutely.......
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. THE ARTS COUNCIL
( 2013 )
With the SHBC in such dire financial straits its beleaguered chairman, Bigot-Johnson, made a rather audacious bid to secure a quick injection of some desperately needed cash. He had asked the Arts Council of Great Britain for a £200,000 grant in order to promote bridge as " one of the fine arts " to the wider public. His application was refused outright on the grounds that " nothing took place inside his club which could even be remotely classified as a fine art ". Not surprisingly Bigot took real umbrage over this remark, deciding to take The Arts Council to court over breach of its constitutional remit. As usual Bigot elected to represent himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.
B-J : As a leading representative of the Arts Council is it not a duty of yours to promote through funding the fine arts in Great Britain ?
Representative ( R) : Yes, that is fundamentally our remit under the Royal Charter of 1941
B-J : ..............and to award grants to all organisations which are actively involved in the practice of fine arts ?
R : Yes, but bridge does just not qualify as a fine art
B-J : Well, according to my research you have shelled out millions to organisations actively involved with music, drama, poetry, festivals ....not to mention a whole stack of art clubs
R : Yes....
B-J : So why not bridge clubs, where the game is without a shadow of doubt a fine art...... a game of sublime skill and abstract beauty
R : It's just a game of cards.....one which I'm led to believe only fills people's minds with rancour, bitterness and anger
B-J : What !.....Snap is a game of cards......but bridge demands a creative and inventive mind if it is to be played at the highest levels......in fact there is more of an art to playing bridge than there is to playing music or character parts in Shakespearean play
R : Surely bridge is more of a science than an art..... with its very prescriptive bidding systems, counting, probabilities.... and the technical handling of every type of suit combination ?
B-J : You sir are an ignoramus !
R : Well, I'm sorry you feel this way about me.........but if you could prove to me that bridge clubs are centres, where indeed the fine arts are practiced......then your club can have the £200,000 grant which you applied for
B-J : So please remind me what the definition of fine arts is ?
R : Originally, fine arts may be viewed as embracing all those arts in which the power of imitation or invention are exerted , chiefly with a view to the production of pleasure by the immediate impression they have upon the mind. However, the phrase has of late been restricted to a narrower and more technical definition : namely to all those activities by which their genius and creativity fill people's minds with pleasure.
B-J : Yes....yes.....and let me tell you there are activities taking place inside my club which require a tremendous amount ingenuity, imagination and creativity.......all giving immense pleasure to all those involved
R : Such as ?
B-J : First off.... there's the cheating that goes on all over the place.....some of which has achieved such a degree of perfection, it has become a fine art...... then of course there's the fine art of lambasting and crucifying your partner, which requires a level of sarcasm which can only be achieved through creative thought and twisted imagination.....BUT the activity which really epitomises invention and creativity at the highest level is the committee's work in expelling undesirable members from the club for the benefit and pleasure of the majority. This ongoing process really has been developed into the finest art of all.
R : By George....you're right. I've heard such amazing tales about the highly creative methods your club has employed to kick members out....especially the wonderfully inspired, trumped up, completely spurious and fictitious disciplinary charges against those known as pantopods. Sheer genius. Hell's bells....the money is yours.
B-J : Thank God for that.....now we can all bugger off and enjoy a swift pint or two down at the pub
( 2013 )
With the SHBC in such dire financial straits its beleaguered chairman, Bigot-Johnson, made a rather audacious bid to secure a quick injection of some desperately needed cash. He had asked the Arts Council of Great Britain for a £200,000 grant in order to promote bridge as " one of the fine arts " to the wider public. His application was refused outright on the grounds that " nothing took place inside his club which could even be remotely classified as a fine art ". Not surprisingly Bigot took real umbrage over this remark, deciding to take The Arts Council to court over breach of its constitutional remit. As usual Bigot elected to represent himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.
B-J : As a leading representative of the Arts Council is it not a duty of yours to promote through funding the fine arts in Great Britain ?
Representative ( R) : Yes, that is fundamentally our remit under the Royal Charter of 1941
B-J : ..............and to award grants to all organisations which are actively involved in the practice of fine arts ?
R : Yes, but bridge does just not qualify as a fine art
B-J : Well, according to my research you have shelled out millions to organisations actively involved with music, drama, poetry, festivals ....not to mention a whole stack of art clubs
R : Yes....
B-J : So why not bridge clubs, where the game is without a shadow of doubt a fine art...... a game of sublime skill and abstract beauty
R : It's just a game of cards.....one which I'm led to believe only fills people's minds with rancour, bitterness and anger
B-J : What !.....Snap is a game of cards......but bridge demands a creative and inventive mind if it is to be played at the highest levels......in fact there is more of an art to playing bridge than there is to playing music or character parts in Shakespearean play
R : Surely bridge is more of a science than an art..... with its very prescriptive bidding systems, counting, probabilities.... and the technical handling of every type of suit combination ?
B-J : You sir are an ignoramus !
R : Well, I'm sorry you feel this way about me.........but if you could prove to me that bridge clubs are centres, where indeed the fine arts are practiced......then your club can have the £200,000 grant which you applied for
B-J : So please remind me what the definition of fine arts is ?
R : Originally, fine arts may be viewed as embracing all those arts in which the power of imitation or invention are exerted , chiefly with a view to the production of pleasure by the immediate impression they have upon the mind. However, the phrase has of late been restricted to a narrower and more technical definition : namely to all those activities by which their genius and creativity fill people's minds with pleasure.
B-J : Yes....yes.....and let me tell you there are activities taking place inside my club which require a tremendous amount ingenuity, imagination and creativity.......all giving immense pleasure to all those involved
R : Such as ?
B-J : First off.... there's the cheating that goes on all over the place.....some of which has achieved such a degree of perfection, it has become a fine art...... then of course there's the fine art of lambasting and crucifying your partner, which requires a level of sarcasm which can only be achieved through creative thought and twisted imagination.....BUT the activity which really epitomises invention and creativity at the highest level is the committee's work in expelling undesirable members from the club for the benefit and pleasure of the majority. This ongoing process really has been developed into the finest art of all.
R : By George....you're right. I've heard such amazing tales about the highly creative methods your club has employed to kick members out....especially the wonderfully inspired, trumped up, completely spurious and fictitious disciplinary charges against those known as pantopods. Sheer genius. Hell's bells....the money is yours.
B-J : Thank God for that.....now we can all bugger off and enjoy a swift pint or two down at the pub
Sunday, 10 March 2013
THE IRRATIONAL BRIDGE PLAYER...... ( Article by professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
I have often wondered why bridge turns a quiet, polite and caring individual into a mean spirited, nasty piece of work. Does bridge bring out the beast in man, or is it a case of the flawed individual demonstrating the irrational nature of the human condition ?
Do bridge players belong to a group of people who cannot cope with failure, having experienced so much success in their marriages, jobs, hobbies and sporting pursuits ? Perhaps bridge players, by virtue of getting so passionate over a game of cards, are bizarrely unbalanced ? Moreover, are bridge clubs respectable places where decent people go to play cards ......or places which have been turned into mad houses by undiagnosed lunatics who admit themselves voluntarily ?
If unconvinced by such views, then please read the following passage from Herman Hesse's Book ( Reflections) to obtain a rational perspective on the irrational bridge player.
" What is great or small, important or unimportant ? The psychiatrists call a man unbalanced if he reacts sensitively and violently to small upsets, small irritations, small injuries to his dignity, when quite possibly the same individual will bear up bravely under sufferings and shocks that most men find it very hard to take. A man who is insensitive to constant humiliations, who puts up with the most wretched music, the most miserable architecture, the most polluted air without complaint, but who pounds the table and cries bloody murder when he loses so much as a trifle at cards, is regarded as healthy and normal. In ( bridge clubs ) I have often seen men of good reputation, generally regarded as perfectly normal and honorable, curse and fume so fanatically , so crudely, so bestially.....especially when they felt the need of blaming a fellow player for their losses...that I very much wanted to seek out the nearest psychiatrist and have these unfortunates committed. "
I have often wondered why bridge turns a quiet, polite and caring individual into a mean spirited, nasty piece of work. Does bridge bring out the beast in man, or is it a case of the flawed individual demonstrating the irrational nature of the human condition ?
Do bridge players belong to a group of people who cannot cope with failure, having experienced so much success in their marriages, jobs, hobbies and sporting pursuits ? Perhaps bridge players, by virtue of getting so passionate over a game of cards, are bizarrely unbalanced ? Moreover, are bridge clubs respectable places where decent people go to play cards ......or places which have been turned into mad houses by undiagnosed lunatics who admit themselves voluntarily ?
If unconvinced by such views, then please read the following passage from Herman Hesse's Book ( Reflections) to obtain a rational perspective on the irrational bridge player.
" What is great or small, important or unimportant ? The psychiatrists call a man unbalanced if he reacts sensitively and violently to small upsets, small irritations, small injuries to his dignity, when quite possibly the same individual will bear up bravely under sufferings and shocks that most men find it very hard to take. A man who is insensitive to constant humiliations, who puts up with the most wretched music, the most miserable architecture, the most polluted air without complaint, but who pounds the table and cries bloody murder when he loses so much as a trifle at cards, is regarded as healthy and normal. In ( bridge clubs ) I have often seen men of good reputation, generally regarded as perfectly normal and honorable, curse and fume so fanatically , so crudely, so bestially.....especially when they felt the need of blaming a fellow player for their losses...that I very much wanted to seek out the nearest psychiatrist and have these unfortunates committed. "
Saturday, 9 March 2013
YET ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY............( By Bridgemeister Gibson )
Slow players as we all know are the proverbial pain in the arse. They ruin the enjoyment of the game with their indecision, dithering and never ending uncertainty. No matter what hand they have been dealt, every bid and play of the card requires careful thought and deliberation, even when they are following suit with a singleton.
Well, last week at my club a hand was rigged up for one of the slowest players on God's earth.
Effectively,he had 12 top cards in a 7-3-2-1, only missing the Ace of hearts. After what seemed an eternity he eventually opened 2C, only for partner to give a negative 2D. Then, after emerging from the tank for a second time, he spluttered out a bog standard blackwood 4NT. On hearing that partner did indeed have that missing Ace, 13 tricks in 7NT was now a formality.
Nevertheless, it took a good while before the bid was made.
As his LHO placed the King of clubs down on the table for the opening lead, the slowcoach pondered long and hard at his hand before taking the trick with his singleton Ace. Even then the play of the remaining twelve tricks was long and laborious affair.
At the end of this torturous ordeal, an exasperated opponent asked " Why the hell did you take so long....... you had nothing but top winners ? ". The tortoise looked up, clearly offended by the remark. " Well sir, even with 12 certain tricks I had decisions to make along the way...... especially over the order in which to play out all my remaining winners. "
Slow players as we all know are the proverbial pain in the arse. They ruin the enjoyment of the game with their indecision, dithering and never ending uncertainty. No matter what hand they have been dealt, every bid and play of the card requires careful thought and deliberation, even when they are following suit with a singleton.
Well, last week at my club a hand was rigged up for one of the slowest players on God's earth.
Effectively,he had 12 top cards in a 7-3-2-1, only missing the Ace of hearts. After what seemed an eternity he eventually opened 2C, only for partner to give a negative 2D. Then, after emerging from the tank for a second time, he spluttered out a bog standard blackwood 4NT. On hearing that partner did indeed have that missing Ace, 13 tricks in 7NT was now a formality.
Nevertheless, it took a good while before the bid was made.
As his LHO placed the King of clubs down on the table for the opening lead, the slowcoach pondered long and hard at his hand before taking the trick with his singleton Ace. Even then the play of the remaining twelve tricks was long and laborious affair.
At the end of this torturous ordeal, an exasperated opponent asked " Why the hell did you take so long....... you had nothing but top winners ? ". The tortoise looked up, clearly offended by the remark. " Well sir, even with 12 certain tricks I had decisions to make along the way...... especially over the order in which to play out all my remaining winners. "
Friday, 8 March 2013
Slaughter House Bulletin Board
WITH
MEDIATION
HAVING FAILED
PERCY
PANTOPOD
FINALLY TAKES
SHBC TO COURT
........
LEAVING BIGOT-
JOHNSON AND
AND SYLVIA
SWAMP TO FACE
A TRICKY AGM
BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY......( Discoveries by Pun )
- My Idiotic Partner Deserves To Be Sacrificed............I. L. Naylor
- Up Before A Disciplinary For Cheating ?....................Courtney Act
- What ! You Can Pull Off A Complex Squeeze ?..........Azif U. Khan
- Bigot-Johnson Has Been Arrested Again !................Watts E. Dunne
- Partner, There Are Times I Wish I Was Dead.............Midas Wellbay
- Bridge Makes A Comeback In The Deep South........Louis Yanner
- Playing Bridge On A Tight Budget............................Penny Pincher
- Use The Occult To Help You Read The Cards............Luigi Board
- Partner, I Can't Help Being A Cowardly Bidder...........Lilly Livard
- Yes, I Sell My Services : But That's My Business.......Ima Hore
Monday, 4 March 2013
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............
- Disciplinary Appeal : a second hearing to reconsider the decision made, and/or the manner and way that decision was reached, at the earlier one . If in the event a player was unbelievably banned for life without ever having an initial hearing, the appeal of course can " double up " as both.
- Witness : a casual observer, who mistakenly believes that his/her subjective view of what happened bears some resemblance to the factual reality
- Letter of Complaint : (a) a grievance put in writing where the boundaries between truth and fiction get extremely blurred, (b) a heaven sent opportunity to vent one's spleen or have a good rant
- Zero Tolerance : where players' petty intolerance of others is immediately cracked down upon by committees, who believe any intolerance on their part is fully justified, and that severe sanctions and punishments must be handed out accordingly
- Best Behaviour : a foolish pipe dream or absurd notion that bridge players are capable of achieving any level of civilised co-existence and mutual respect
- Club Constitution : a set of internal rules which, although designed to resolve conflicts of interest and petty squabbles, serve only to create them by the bucket load
- Disciplinary Hearing : a non event, especially when the committee considers the alleged wrongdoer to be so guilty, the idea of holding one seems utterly pointless
- Investigation Committee : hand picked members assigned to obtain all the relevant facts, and to sift through conflicting and contradictory evidence. Often at the risk of overlooking crucial facts, and merging irrelevant material with jaundiced assumptions, to arrive at a completely absurd set of conclusions
- Mediation : a wonderful opportunity for both parties involved in a long running, bitter dispute to re-establish and confirm their determination to fight it out to the death
NEWSFLASH : MEDIATION PROCESS BREAKS DOWN CREATING A NEW GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS ENTRY AS THE WORLD'S SHORTEST EVER HEARING
( With Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod at complete loggerheads over ending their long running dispute, both parties were eventually persuaded to resolve their differences through mediation. Forking out for a top class, well qualified legal expert to help steer them towards reconciliation, the prospect of avoiding a costly court case now seemed a reality. A transcript of the hearing in full can be seen below. )
Mediator : Welcome....I'm am so pleased that both of you have come here today with open minds and a positive attitude towards making concessions....in a genuine attempt to resolve your differences and reach a settlement......
B-J ( turning to Percy ) : You're a nasty piece of work......so don't think for a minute you'll get any concessions from me
Mediator : Well, that's enlightening.....and Percy......what agenda have you come with today ?
PP ( turning to Bigot ) : I'm only here to stick the knife in..... and see you squirm and suffer
Mediator : Guess that's it.....no point in continuing.......I'm off....but I'm still taking with me my £2,000 fee.....which by my reckoning works out at £120,000 an hour
B-J and PP ( in unison ) : Bugger off then.....you blood-sucking, money grabbing parasite !
( With Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod at complete loggerheads over ending their long running dispute, both parties were eventually persuaded to resolve their differences through mediation. Forking out for a top class, well qualified legal expert to help steer them towards reconciliation, the prospect of avoiding a costly court case now seemed a reality. A transcript of the hearing in full can be seen below. )
Mediator : Welcome....I'm am so pleased that both of you have come here today with open minds and a positive attitude towards making concessions....in a genuine attempt to resolve your differences and reach a settlement......
B-J ( turning to Percy ) : You're a nasty piece of work......so don't think for a minute you'll get any concessions from me
Mediator : Well, that's enlightening.....and Percy......what agenda have you come with today ?
PP ( turning to Bigot ) : I'm only here to stick the knife in..... and see you squirm and suffer
Mediator : Guess that's it.....no point in continuing.......I'm off....but I'm still taking with me my £2,000 fee.....which by my reckoning works out at £120,000 an hour
B-J and PP ( in unison ) : Bugger off then.....you blood-sucking, money grabbing parasite !
Saturday, 2 March 2013
BRIDGE LAWS AND ETHICS : BIGOT-JOHNSON SETS UP
HIS VERY OWN SUB-COMMITTEE
( With so many ordinary club members stepping out of line, Bigot-Johnson decided drastic action was called for. What was needed was a determined and robust attempt to inject discipline, order and control, where chaos and unpredictabilty existed before. Standards of behaviour were not to his liking and something had to be done.The three members of the sub-committee were all hand-picked, because of their known "strange ways " reputation. Behind closed door secret interviews took place to make sure they were the right men for the job. Details of the job description and job specification are listed below.)
Job Description:
1. To propose and implement new laws and rules, ensuring that enforcement is extremely thorough and effective.
2. To deal with law/rule breakers in keeping with the club's well established sub-zero tolerance policies.
3. To ensure that all club members conduct themselves in a manner and way that meets the committee's high expectations.
4. To convert all potential troublemakers into faceless, bland, compliant, passive, harmless and gentle patsies.
Job Specification : ( Candidate must have.... )
1. Excellent communication skills in getting across to club members the message that laws and rules have to be obeyed.
2. Expertise in motivating potential troublemakers to change their annoying and disruptive behaviour.
3. Expertise in determining what is the right and proper thing to do in all circumstances, and in all situations.
4. Great observational skills and all round vigilance in order to spot actual or potential breaches of the laws/rules.
5. Exceptional skills in dealing with wrongdoers, utilising a vast range of highly efficient and effective techniques.
6. Focus and initiative, revealing an ability to work in the dark without any fuss, and making doubly sure their work does not attract any unwanted attention from genuine law enforcement agencies .
HIS VERY OWN SUB-COMMITTEE
( With so many ordinary club members stepping out of line, Bigot-Johnson decided drastic action was called for. What was needed was a determined and robust attempt to inject discipline, order and control, where chaos and unpredictabilty existed before. Standards of behaviour were not to his liking and something had to be done.The three members of the sub-committee were all hand-picked, because of their known "strange ways " reputation. Behind closed door secret interviews took place to make sure they were the right men for the job. Details of the job description and job specification are listed below.) Job Description:
1. To propose and implement new laws and rules, ensuring that enforcement is extremely thorough and effective.
2. To deal with law/rule breakers in keeping with the club's well established sub-zero tolerance policies.
3. To ensure that all club members conduct themselves in a manner and way that meets the committee's high expectations.
4. To convert all potential troublemakers into faceless, bland, compliant, passive, harmless and gentle patsies.
Job Specification : ( Candidate must have.... )
1. Excellent communication skills in getting across to club members the message that laws and rules have to be obeyed.
2. Expertise in motivating potential troublemakers to change their annoying and disruptive behaviour.
3. Expertise in determining what is the right and proper thing to do in all circumstances, and in all situations.
4. Great observational skills and all round vigilance in order to spot actual or potential breaches of the laws/rules.
5. Exceptional skills in dealing with wrongdoers, utilising a vast range of highly efficient and effective techniques.
6. Focus and initiative, revealing an ability to work in the dark without any fuss, and making doubly sure their work does not attract any unwanted attention from genuine law enforcement agencies .
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB : THE NEW RULES REGARDING THE REVISED DEFINITION OF " OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY "......
1. Once elected as a committee member you must never, under any circumstances, talk about committee matters or affairs with the ordinary club members, who are now referred to as " the enemy ".
2. Confidentiality is of paramount importance. The duty is absolute. What goes on behind closed doors must never be divulged to the enemy, especially if the information might possibly expose committee members as having not a single shred of honesty, decency and integrity.
3. As a committee member you must swear an oath of " absolute secrecy " with regard to the
following :
(a) any controversial decisions, which will certainly rattle the enemy's cage
(b) information which would cause the enemy to ask a lot of awkward questions
(c) the truth
(d) damning statistics, which are likely to lead to embarrassing apologies, and/or severe
criticism from outsiders
(e) information clearly ear-marked as sensitive, or potentially damaging to the reputation
of key committee members
(f) secrets that must remain secret
(g) incriminating evidence of any kind
(h) decisions best kept under wraps until which time their release will be of little or no
significance
4. Minutes of every meeting must be carefully vetted and sanitised to such an extent that nothing
of any significance gets published. This may require the minutes to be no longer than 200
words, made up of bland, hugely insignificant house-keeping matters. However, the worse
case scenario might mean putting an important issue onto the back burner, until it is either
forgotten about by the enemy, or can be permanently buried .
5. In circumstances when damaging information does leak out, all committee members must
stand shoulder-to-shoulder in a valiant attempt to dispute, deny, and refute the facts, until
such time it is safe to say otherwise.
6. All meetings will take place behind closed doors, all of which will be double-locked and
bolted in order to give everyone the same peace of mind.
7. If in the event the enemy get suspicious, start to poke around, stick their noses in where
they shouldn't, and ask very awkward questions, then it may necessary for the committee to
" lean " upon them in a firm, but reassuring way. If this fails to work, trumped up disciplinary
charges must be invented in a determined attempt to drive them out of the club.
8. The real decisions will always be made earlier on by the select few, following several
clandestine, hush-hush, discussions held in toilets and dark corridors, leaving unsuspecting
committee members , referred to as " the sheep ", to subsequently fulfil their rubber-
stamping role.
9. As a sheepish committee member, you must adhere to the following two maxims :
(i) knowledge is power
(ii ) power is best exercised by those who know how to use it
10. In a crisis situation you must repeat the following mantra over and over again : SILENCE IS
GOLDEN......SILENCE IS GOLDEN
As a committee member you must always accept that information can only be passed onto the enemy on a " need to know " basis, but it is more important for you to recognise the fact that you were elected to make judgements on their behalf as to what they need to know...... and what they don't need to know.
1. Once elected as a committee member you must never, under any circumstances, talk about committee matters or affairs with the ordinary club members, who are now referred to as " the enemy ".
2. Confidentiality is of paramount importance. The duty is absolute. What goes on behind closed doors must never be divulged to the enemy, especially if the information might possibly expose committee members as having not a single shred of honesty, decency and integrity.
3. As a committee member you must swear an oath of " absolute secrecy " with regard to the
following :
(a) any controversial decisions, which will certainly rattle the enemy's cage
(b) information which would cause the enemy to ask a lot of awkward questions
(c) the truth
(d) damning statistics, which are likely to lead to embarrassing apologies, and/or severe
criticism from outsiders
(e) information clearly ear-marked as sensitive, or potentially damaging to the reputation
of key committee members
(f) secrets that must remain secret
(g) incriminating evidence of any kind
(h) decisions best kept under wraps until which time their release will be of little or no
significance
4. Minutes of every meeting must be carefully vetted and sanitised to such an extent that nothing
of any significance gets published. This may require the minutes to be no longer than 200
words, made up of bland, hugely insignificant house-keeping matters. However, the worse
case scenario might mean putting an important issue onto the back burner, until it is either
forgotten about by the enemy, or can be permanently buried .
5. In circumstances when damaging information does leak out, all committee members must
stand shoulder-to-shoulder in a valiant attempt to dispute, deny, and refute the facts, until
such time it is safe to say otherwise.
6. All meetings will take place behind closed doors, all of which will be double-locked and
bolted in order to give everyone the same peace of mind.
7. If in the event the enemy get suspicious, start to poke around, stick their noses in where
they shouldn't, and ask very awkward questions, then it may necessary for the committee to
" lean " upon them in a firm, but reassuring way. If this fails to work, trumped up disciplinary
charges must be invented in a determined attempt to drive them out of the club.
8. The real decisions will always be made earlier on by the select few, following several
clandestine, hush-hush, discussions held in toilets and dark corridors, leaving unsuspecting
committee members , referred to as " the sheep ", to subsequently fulfil their rubber-
stamping role.
9. As a sheepish committee member, you must adhere to the following two maxims :
(i) knowledge is power
(ii ) power is best exercised by those who know how to use it
10. In a crisis situation you must repeat the following mantra over and over again : SILENCE IS
GOLDEN......SILENCE IS GOLDEN
As a committee member you must always accept that information can only be passed onto the enemy on a " need to know " basis, but it is more important for you to recognise the fact that you were elected to make judgements on their behalf as to what they need to know...... and what they don't need to know.
Monday, 25 February 2013
YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR CONVERSATION......
( Having disposed of another Pantopod the Slaughter House committee was on a roll, but this latest one wasn't going without a fight. Insisting on her right to appeal against the ultimate disciplinary sanction, it was left to one of her closest friends to monitor what was going on inside the club. As it happened her friend collared the infamous " Toxic " Ted Bateman as he strutted down the corridor towards the bar.)
Member : Excuse me, but how come you're heading up the five man appeal panel which is reviewing Poppy Pantopod's expulsion from the club
TT : Because....my dear lady.....it was absolutely necessary to get a long serving club member on board...... who was respected by all for his honesty, integrity, impartiality and objectiveness. Who better to deal with an appeal case in an even-handed way, to ensure that justice and fairness prevails........than me
Member : But....haven't you gone on record to say that you fully endorsed the committee's decision to get " rid of that bitch once and for all ".
TT : Yes....but so what !......... That doesn't mean I'm biased or prejudiced in any way. That was my personal and honest opinion. Yet rest assured......when I put on my appeal panel hat, I shall enter the room with a completely open mind.....
Member : Wow....does this mean you might actually come to the conclusion that..........because Poppy was kicked out in an unceremonious fashion without ever having the opportunity to challenge the evidence against her....or to defend herself against some rather dubious charges of misconduct........the committee's decision should now be set aside for procedural flaws?
TT : Are you stark raving mad ? She wasn't given a hearing because there was no bloody point to her having one.....everyone on that committee wanted to see the back of her.....she'd been a thorn in their side for years.......and heavens above.... flicking a rather large bogey from her nose across the table was clearly a very disgusting and offensive thing to do
Member : Nevertheless, the committee may have acted in an incorrect manner and way....?
TT : Listen you muppet brain.....the committee is essentially made up with key members of Bigot-Johnson's inner circle, who expect me to do " the right thing ". The other committee members are all decent folk who believe that falling in line is necessary in preserving the principle of collective responsibility . Anyway, I've had enough of your foul insinuations and awkward questions. Now bugger off.....
Member : Well, thank you for your time....it has been very revealing....
TT : Yes.....so let me reveal something of concern to you .......and that is your time as a member of this club is fast running out too !
( Having disposed of another Pantopod the Slaughter House committee was on a roll, but this latest one wasn't going without a fight. Insisting on her right to appeal against the ultimate disciplinary sanction, it was left to one of her closest friends to monitor what was going on inside the club. As it happened her friend collared the infamous " Toxic " Ted Bateman as he strutted down the corridor towards the bar.)
Member : Excuse me, but how come you're heading up the five man appeal panel which is reviewing Poppy Pantopod's expulsion from the club
TT : Because....my dear lady.....it was absolutely necessary to get a long serving club member on board...... who was respected by all for his honesty, integrity, impartiality and objectiveness. Who better to deal with an appeal case in an even-handed way, to ensure that justice and fairness prevails........than me
Member : But....haven't you gone on record to say that you fully endorsed the committee's decision to get " rid of that bitch once and for all ".
TT : Yes....but so what !......... That doesn't mean I'm biased or prejudiced in any way. That was my personal and honest opinion. Yet rest assured......when I put on my appeal panel hat, I shall enter the room with a completely open mind.....
Member : Wow....does this mean you might actually come to the conclusion that..........because Poppy was kicked out in an unceremonious fashion without ever having the opportunity to challenge the evidence against her....or to defend herself against some rather dubious charges of misconduct........the committee's decision should now be set aside for procedural flaws?
TT : Are you stark raving mad ? She wasn't given a hearing because there was no bloody point to her having one.....everyone on that committee wanted to see the back of her.....she'd been a thorn in their side for years.......and heavens above.... flicking a rather large bogey from her nose across the table was clearly a very disgusting and offensive thing to do
Member : Nevertheless, the committee may have acted in an incorrect manner and way....?
TT : Listen you muppet brain.....the committee is essentially made up with key members of Bigot-Johnson's inner circle, who expect me to do " the right thing ". The other committee members are all decent folk who believe that falling in line is necessary in preserving the principle of collective responsibility . Anyway, I've had enough of your foul insinuations and awkward questions. Now bugger off.....
Member : Well, thank you for your time....it has been very revealing....
TT : Yes.....so let me reveal something of concern to you .......and that is your time as a member of this club is fast running out too !
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........
Dear Rebecca,
My partner and I play Landy but I came to a sudden conclusion that this convention wouldn't enable me to cope well with this particular hand : AK10x....AK109xxx....x....x
So when my opponent opened 1NT I went straight to 4H, going one off, when 4S plus one was a lay down. Partner turned up with a 5-1-4-3 distribution in a pointless hand. Spades split 2-2 and hearts, which were 4-2, were easily ruffed out, restricting any losers to just one in each minor.
But what would you have done ?
Yours Ivor Stonker
Dear Ivor,
Landy, you great muffin, would have worked extremely well in this situation if you and your partner had bothered to add a few refinements to this particular convention.
With equal but limited length in both majors he should automatically bid 2D and await your next bid. You will naturally jump to 3H, which he can pass on a blizzard with no trump support, or raise to 4H holding 2 or 3 trumps and the potential to provide a trick.
However, when partner turns up with 4 cards in both majors, he should of course bid 3D, making it no problem for you to find the right game. Holding just one 4/5 card major, he should bid the suit at the 3 level, and if it happens to be spades, then 4S can be bid by you with relative confidence.
Moreover, if both of you are weak, then ending up at the 3 level on a 5/4 or 4/4 fit, is no bad thing. You are unlikely to be doubled, and going one or two off may still earn you a few match points at the right vulnerability.
Yours reassuringly Rood
Dear Rebecca,
My partner and I play Landy but I came to a sudden conclusion that this convention wouldn't enable me to cope well with this particular hand : AK10x....AK109xxx....x....x
So when my opponent opened 1NT I went straight to 4H, going one off, when 4S plus one was a lay down. Partner turned up with a 5-1-4-3 distribution in a pointless hand. Spades split 2-2 and hearts, which were 4-2, were easily ruffed out, restricting any losers to just one in each minor.
But what would you have done ?
Yours Ivor Stonker
Dear Ivor,
Landy, you great muffin, would have worked extremely well in this situation if you and your partner had bothered to add a few refinements to this particular convention.
With equal but limited length in both majors he should automatically bid 2D and await your next bid. You will naturally jump to 3H, which he can pass on a blizzard with no trump support, or raise to 4H holding 2 or 3 trumps and the potential to provide a trick.
However, when partner turns up with 4 cards in both majors, he should of course bid 3D, making it no problem for you to find the right game. Holding just one 4/5 card major, he should bid the suit at the 3 level, and if it happens to be spades, then 4S can be bid by you with relative confidence.
Moreover, if both of you are weak, then ending up at the 3 level on a 5/4 or 4/4 fit, is no bad thing. You are unlikely to be doubled, and going one or two off may still earn you a few match points at the right vulnerability.
Yours reassuringly Rood
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Saturday, 23 February 2013
JOHNSON
KINDLY
TELLS
PARTNER
HIS PAST
MISTAKES
ARE ALL
FORGOTTEN
AND
FORGIVEN
.......
.......
.......
.......
" Partner, I know that in our love-hate relationship we've had many differences of opinion.........and that all too often we've allowed our negative emotions to undermine our deep respect for each other...............but the time has surely come to bury the hatchet........."
NEWSFLASH ( By Pun ) : BIGOT FOUND WANTING AS HE TACKLES A DIFFICULT ENTRY PROBLEM
Just as Bigot was getting to grips with a difficult entry problem, a kibitzer find it necessary to intervene.
" Hey there......are you are pervert or what ? "
An embarrassed Bigot stopped in his tracks and turned round to face his accuser. Yet again he found himself caught on camera in one of his sheepish moods. When asked by the concerned onlooker " What on God's earth man are you up to ? ", Bigot replied, " Rearing sheep... of course ".
Not surprisingly, the distressed passerby went straight to the police to report what he had seen. Within an hour two uniformed officers found Bigot still in the field, and so they proceeded to question him over this latest animal abuse allegation. Bleating profusely about his innocence, he then felt the need to ram home the point that what he was doing was his own business, and therefore of no concern to nosey, interfering bystanders.
" Well sir.....abuse of this nature is of concern to all law enforcement agencies.....and we suspect that you are going to get a very hefty fine ".
Bigot was livid, " What..... are telling me........ I'm going to be fleeced again by the courts ? "
" Yes " came the curt and abrupt reply.
" Bugger...."
Just as Bigot was getting to grips with a difficult entry problem, a kibitzer find it necessary to intervene.
" Hey there......are you are pervert or what ? "
An embarrassed Bigot stopped in his tracks and turned round to face his accuser. Yet again he found himself caught on camera in one of his sheepish moods. When asked by the concerned onlooker " What on God's earth man are you up to ? ", Bigot replied, " Rearing sheep... of course ".
Not surprisingly, the distressed passerby went straight to the police to report what he had seen. Within an hour two uniformed officers found Bigot still in the field, and so they proceeded to question him over this latest animal abuse allegation. Bleating profusely about his innocence, he then felt the need to ram home the point that what he was doing was his own business, and therefore of no concern to nosey, interfering bystanders." Well sir.....abuse of this nature is of concern to all law enforcement agencies.....and we suspect that you are going to get a very hefty fine ".
Bigot was livid, " What..... are telling me........ I'm going to be fleeced again by the courts ? "
" Yes " came the curt and abrupt reply.
" Bugger...."
Thursday, 21 February 2013
LAW REPORT : SOUTH YORKSHIRE LOCAL AUTHORITY
v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )
( Poor bigot-Johnson was once again brought before magistrates on yet another strict liability offence. This one relating to charges of running and managing a zoo, without having a valid licence to do so. Determined to prove these charges as being totally unwarranted and absurd, he decided of course to conduct his own defence. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
B-J : How come my club has been classified as a zoo ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : Because we have it in writing that you have often referred to the place as " the animal house "
B-J : Well, so would you if you saw the way the members behave and carry on.....
P : Yet the compelling evidence are your claims that inside your club there are snakes in the grass, low down dirty rats, weasels, hideous hogs, feeble minded rabbits, pathetically slow tortoises , lots of old deers, and cheetahs by the dozen.........
B-J : You're not kidding......
P : Infact.....independent witnesses have stated you have gorillas as security men, and an elephant in a room which you for some unknown reason you fail to see
B-J : Yes....I now know where you're coming from......the goddamn place is a like zoo !
P : So having received notice that your establishment was classified as a zoo, you were then told to obtain a licence......which you failed to do
B-J : Not for want of trying.....
P : Well, I'm not surprised your application was refused. As the owner-applicant of a private club with the status of an unincorporated association, the licence guidelines are quite clear. Refusal is automatic if applicants have been previously convicted of ill-treating animals
B-J : Hold on a mo....my conviction was forty-four years ago.....when I took up sheep farming in Wales for a year.....why it was common practice in those parts for farmers to do all manner of things with their sheep...
P : Please spare the court the lurid details......but your licence application was also refused on the grounds that the activities at the zoo would seriously affect the preservation of law and order in that area, and/or adversely affect the health and safety of people living nearby
B-J : I can't help if it if stray bridgemates going flying off down the street and through hedges into neighbours' gardens......or if petty table altercations spill out onto the road as fights to the death
P : Be that as it may...but I'll be asking the judge on behalf of the local authority to close down the Slaughter House, and impose upon you the maximum fine
B-J : I've herd enough....and you sir have really got my goat.......I can't bear the thought of having to pack in my beloved bridge
Judge : That's life....it can be a real bummer
B-J : Bugger the lot of you then......I'm going back to what I do best
Judge : What's that ?
B-J : Rearing sheep in Wales
( This spoof article was partly inspired by Victor Mollo's classic books, which formed the Bridge In The Menagerie series )
v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )
( Poor bigot-Johnson was once again brought before magistrates on yet another strict liability offence. This one relating to charges of running and managing a zoo, without having a valid licence to do so. Determined to prove these charges as being totally unwarranted and absurd, he decided of course to conduct his own defence. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
B-J : How come my club has been classified as a zoo ?
Prosecutor ( P ) : Because we have it in writing that you have often referred to the place as " the animal house "
B-J : Well, so would you if you saw the way the members behave and carry on.....
P : Yet the compelling evidence are your claims that inside your club there are snakes in the grass, low down dirty rats, weasels, hideous hogs, feeble minded rabbits, pathetically slow tortoises , lots of old deers, and cheetahs by the dozen.........
B-J : You're not kidding......
P : Infact.....independent witnesses have stated you have gorillas as security men, and an elephant in a room which you for some unknown reason you fail to see
B-J : Yes....I now know where you're coming from......the goddamn place is a like zoo !
P : So having received notice that your establishment was classified as a zoo, you were then told to obtain a licence......which you failed to do
B-J : Not for want of trying.....
P : Well, I'm not surprised your application was refused. As the owner-applicant of a private club with the status of an unincorporated association, the licence guidelines are quite clear. Refusal is automatic if applicants have been previously convicted of ill-treating animals
B-J : Hold on a mo....my conviction was forty-four years ago.....when I took up sheep farming in Wales for a year.....why it was common practice in those parts for farmers to do all manner of things with their sheep...
P : Please spare the court the lurid details......but your licence application was also refused on the grounds that the activities at the zoo would seriously affect the preservation of law and order in that area, and/or adversely affect the health and safety of people living nearby
B-J : I can't help if it if stray bridgemates going flying off down the street and through hedges into neighbours' gardens......or if petty table altercations spill out onto the road as fights to the death
P : Be that as it may...but I'll be asking the judge on behalf of the local authority to close down the Slaughter House, and impose upon you the maximum fine
B-J : I've herd enough....and you sir have really got my goat.......I can't bear the thought of having to pack in my beloved bridge
Judge : That's life....it can be a real bummer
B-J : Bugger the lot of you then......I'm going back to what I do best
Judge : What's that ?
B-J : Rearing sheep in Wales
( This spoof article was partly inspired by Victor Mollo's classic books, which formed the Bridge In The Menagerie series )
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
AN ALIENCONVERSATION
FROM
JUST
OUTSIDE
THE
EARTH'S
ATMOSPHERE
.........
.........
.........
" What the blue blazes is that ? "
" It seems damn familiar to me ! "
" Looks like an unidentified scoring device ....."
" Yes....but I know what it really is "
" Tell me "
" It's one of those high powered long range flying bridgemates "
" Somebody help us......they're bloody lethal "
" We need to take immediate evasive action "
" Better still .....we need to head off back home......this planet earth is far too dangerous a place
to ever consider colonising "
( By Pun ) :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
GOES TO
THE DOGS
..........
..........
..........
BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS HOUNDED AND COLLARED BY
GOSSIP MONGERING JOURNALISTS
" Yes....yes....I'm at the end of my tether alright......with everyone bitchin' about the way I operate as chairman. But hell.....I've been chasing my tail for days now looking for a way forward to get this club back onto its feet again. And what's more I've a few bones to pick with you arseholes who say the club is finished. You're all barking mad. I know I'm dogmatic but that's what I'm all about : arrogant, bigoted, snappy, intolerant and dictatorial. So don't unleash any more of your dirt finding questions on me.......I'm need time to paws....and time to sniff out a devious solution to get the club out of the huge financial hole I've just dug for it. "
NEWSFLASH :SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB
INSISTS
ON THE
COMPULSORY
WEARING
OF CRASH
HELMETS
.......
EVEN FOR
DOGS
" As Bigot's new partner the likelihood of a flying bridge mate coming my way is almost a red hot certainty........and although I don't know how much protection this high impact ABS plastic helmet provides, I'm not arguing with the club's health and safety rules on appropriate dress......"
Sunday, 17 February 2013
LAW REPORT : PATRICIA PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS ( 2013)
( Yet another Pantopod went sent packing after been being disciplined for not wearing her crash helmet during play, which given the high incidence of flying bridgemates was viewed as a serious breach of the club's health and safety rules. The plaintiff was now claiming wrongful expulsion on the grounds that she received the ban without ever having the opportunity to represent herself before the sentence was carried out. Bigot of course chose to act as counsel for the defence . A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Bigot : Who's the next witness for the plaintiff ?
Judge : " Painless " Peter Potter
( Witness takes the stand )
Bigot : I don't know you from Adam.....but you're certainly not a member of the Slaughter House Bridge Club
Witness : Too damn right I'm not.....I'm no fool
Bigot : So you claim to be an expert on this thorny subject of disciplinary procedures ?
Witness : I would like to think so...
Bigot : Well, let's hear what you have to say then....
Witness : It seems blatantly obvious that you cannot ban a player without first giving him or her an initial hearing to state their defence... or question the evidence laid against them
Bigot : Excuse me you smart arse, namby pamby, lardy dah, pompous git.......our constitution entitles the committee to suspend any need for a hearing if it is apparent there would be no point in giving her one !
Witness : Oh dear....you are so wrong. There happens to be a much higher authority which goes beyond your constitution.....one to which your committee should have adhered to. This categorically states that a disciplinary process will be flawed " if the member did not have an adequate opportunity to represent himself....or if the process in the club's constitution was not fully adhered to ". Where the process can be established as flawed the decision to expel the member should have been set aside. Then the club should either deal with the matter correctly, or go to the county association to do it afresh.
Bigot : Excuse me Mr. Know-It-All......just who the bleedin' hell are you ?
Witness : Secretary of the EBU Law and Ethics Committee
Bigot : Oh.........but hang on on mo.......that bitch of a woman did get a hearing when she came up before club's carefully vetted appeal panel
Witness : So what you're saying then is that she did get a hearing after all ?
Bigot : Yes....yes....she did.....she did
Witness : But that was like a student failing a written exam before she even sat it.........but then when she took the exam the original mark still stood
Bigot : What a tosser you are ........I've had enough of your clever dick observations.......now you can go back to whatever hole you crawled out from....
( Yet another Pantopod went sent packing after been being disciplined for not wearing her crash helmet during play, which given the high incidence of flying bridgemates was viewed as a serious breach of the club's health and safety rules. The plaintiff was now claiming wrongful expulsion on the grounds that she received the ban without ever having the opportunity to represent herself before the sentence was carried out. Bigot of course chose to act as counsel for the defence . A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Bigot : Who's the next witness for the plaintiff ?
Judge : " Painless " Peter Potter
( Witness takes the stand )
Bigot : I don't know you from Adam.....but you're certainly not a member of the Slaughter House Bridge Club
Witness : Too damn right I'm not.....I'm no fool
Bigot : So you claim to be an expert on this thorny subject of disciplinary procedures ?
Witness : I would like to think so...
Bigot : Well, let's hear what you have to say then....
Witness : It seems blatantly obvious that you cannot ban a player without first giving him or her an initial hearing to state their defence... or question the evidence laid against them
Bigot : Excuse me you smart arse, namby pamby, lardy dah, pompous git.......our constitution entitles the committee to suspend any need for a hearing if it is apparent there would be no point in giving her one !
Witness : Oh dear....you are so wrong. There happens to be a much higher authority which goes beyond your constitution.....one to which your committee should have adhered to. This categorically states that a disciplinary process will be flawed " if the member did not have an adequate opportunity to represent himself....or if the process in the club's constitution was not fully adhered to ". Where the process can be established as flawed the decision to expel the member should have been set aside. Then the club should either deal with the matter correctly, or go to the county association to do it afresh.
Bigot : Excuse me Mr. Know-It-All......just who the bleedin' hell are you ?
Witness : Secretary of the EBU Law and Ethics Committee
Bigot : Oh.........but hang on on mo.......that bitch of a woman did get a hearing when she came up before club's carefully vetted appeal panel
Witness : So what you're saying then is that she did get a hearing after all ?
Bigot : Yes....yes....she did.....she did
Witness : But that was like a student failing a written exam before she even sat it.........but then when she took the exam the original mark still stood
Bigot : What a tosser you are ........I've had enough of your clever dick observations.......now you can go back to whatever hole you crawled out from....
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S VERY TELLING DISCARD........
Bigot's nemesis opponents quickly reached 3NT. The contract was made in a matter of seconds. She took the opening spade lead with the Ace, cashed the Ace of diamonds, and then proceeded to rattle off dummy's seven top hearts on which to lob away all her losing diamonds.
On the third round of hearts, a highly agitated and fuming Bigot discarded the Ace of clubs.
With the naive innocence of a saintly nun, declarer turned towards Bigot's partner and politely asked " What is the meaning of this discard ? "
The poor man who had a real sense of foreboding, thought for a while before answering.
" I believe......", he said tentatively, "........that he's telling me I should have led the unbid suit and that I'm due to get the mother of all bollockings at the end of this round ".
Bigot's nemesis opponents quickly reached 3NT. The contract was made in a matter of seconds. She took the opening spade lead with the Ace, cashed the Ace of diamonds, and then proceeded to rattle off dummy's seven top hearts on which to lob away all her losing diamonds.
On the third round of hearts, a highly agitated and fuming Bigot discarded the Ace of clubs.
With the naive innocence of a saintly nun, declarer turned towards Bigot's partner and politely asked " What is the meaning of this discard ? "
The poor man who had a real sense of foreboding, thought for a while before answering.
" I believe......", he said tentatively, "........that he's telling me I should have led the unbid suit and that I'm due to get the mother of all bollockings at the end of this round ".
Friday, 15 February 2013
THOUGHT OF THE DAY ......... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Bridge has been defined in a thousand different ways. Each definition and description waxes lyrical about one or more of the game's great virtues. Many have hit the proverbial nail on the head, but one writer, Edward McPherson, paints in words a superb picture of what bridge is really all about.
" Bridge is a battle between fate and chance, mediated by skill. What I didn't say...and what nobody knows...is how you learn to live with the results. Bridge offers a fantasy of control that is constantly crumbling. You are attempting to outwit the world's chaos, and we all know how that ends. "
Bridge has been defined in a thousand different ways. Each definition and description waxes lyrical about one or more of the game's great virtues. Many have hit the proverbial nail on the head, but one writer, Edward McPherson, paints in words a superb picture of what bridge is really all about.
" Bridge is a battle between fate and chance, mediated by skill. What I didn't say...and what nobody knows...is how you learn to live with the results. Bridge offers a fantasy of control that is constantly crumbling. You are attempting to outwit the world's chaos, and we all know how that ends. "
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS PUT IN HIS PLACE....... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )
Bigot was a very worried man. His court case was only a few weeks away. A supremely confident Percy Pantopod was suing him for slander, and seeking damages in the region of £250,000.
In the bar Bigot was ranting away as usual about this case and how he needed help, when a visiting player shouted across to him.
" There's nothing to worry about mate if what you said about him was either true.....or can't be proved false "
Bigot didn't take kindly to being alerted to the basics of the law regarding defamation, especially by someone was a complete stranger to the club.
" Let me bloody well guess.....you're a smart arse lawyer from down south......"
At this point a club member jumped up from his seat amazed at Bigot's deductive powers.
" Blimey....how you know that.....my brother Paul is up here on a trip to Doncaster.....and he's a high flying London lawyer "
Bigot immediately replied : " I knew that....... because the observations he made were 100% accurate, but completely useless.....since everything I said about Percy was pure invention comprising of wicked, vindictive and malicious lies...."
In a flash the barrister got up from his seat to stand his ground.
" Well sir.....you come across to me as an arrogant sod.......supposedly in control, but far from it. You don't know what you are doing, or what the implications of your actions are. You've pushed yourself into an unresolvable predicament from which there is no turning back. This situation is of your own making and has come about through an embarrassing lack of forethought and common sense........a situation which could have been avoided by either thinking before speaking, or having both the humility and remorse to apologise. And if you expect the law to exonerate you for having acting with crass stupidity, then you're a bigger fool than I first took you for. Moreover, you then have the audacity and nerve to dismiss my freely given observations as useless ! "
Bigot not surprisingly was rendered completely speechless.
Bigot was a very worried man. His court case was only a few weeks away. A supremely confident Percy Pantopod was suing him for slander, and seeking damages in the region of £250,000.
In the bar Bigot was ranting away as usual about this case and how he needed help, when a visiting player shouted across to him.
" There's nothing to worry about mate if what you said about him was either true.....or can't be proved false "
Bigot didn't take kindly to being alerted to the basics of the law regarding defamation, especially by someone was a complete stranger to the club.
" Let me bloody well guess.....you're a smart arse lawyer from down south......"
At this point a club member jumped up from his seat amazed at Bigot's deductive powers.
" Blimey....how you know that.....my brother Paul is up here on a trip to Doncaster.....and he's a high flying London lawyer "
Bigot immediately replied : " I knew that....... because the observations he made were 100% accurate, but completely useless.....since everything I said about Percy was pure invention comprising of wicked, vindictive and malicious lies...."
In a flash the barrister got up from his seat to stand his ground.
" Well sir.....you come across to me as an arrogant sod.......supposedly in control, but far from it. You don't know what you are doing, or what the implications of your actions are. You've pushed yourself into an unresolvable predicament from which there is no turning back. This situation is of your own making and has come about through an embarrassing lack of forethought and common sense........a situation which could have been avoided by either thinking before speaking, or having both the humility and remorse to apologise. And if you expect the law to exonerate you for having acting with crass stupidity, then you're a bigger fool than I first took you for. Moreover, you then have the audacity and nerve to dismiss my freely given observations as useless ! "
Bigot not surprisingly was rendered completely speechless.
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