BRIDGE BOOKS NOW ON SALE FROM A SOFT PORN PUBLISHING COMPANY...... ( Says an excited Pun )

• What The Hell Is My Partner Doing ?...............................Jason Gurles
• Blimey, Has This Game Worn Me Out.............................Fanny Saggin
• I've Been Barred From Playing Bridge............................Erin Syde
• If You're Good At Bridge Turn Professional.....................Ernie Levin
• That Trophy Belongs To Us You Cheats !........................Andy Tover
• The Best Way To Deal With Useless Partners...............Ed Buttem
• Everyone's Curious About My New Partner ?.................Woody Kum
• I Must Warn You  I'm About To Trump............................Stan Wellback
• Have ZT Policies Become More Draconian ?.................Marshall Law
• Another Wretched Scorecard ? Well, That's Life.............Cilla Vee
• I Can Tell You Had A Good Night With Your Partner........Seaman Staines
• Sometimes I Would Rather Partner A Monkey.................Hugh Jape
• Bigot-Johnson's Been Convicted Yet Again.....................Watts E. Dunn  
• How I Got To The Banbury Cross Congress.....................Honor Cockhorse 

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM A BYGONE AGE...... (  Recently unearthed by Pun )

• Ireland's Greatest Ever Bridge Player............................Toby Shaw
• Losing To That Pair Was Shocking................................F. Hinelle
• Sorry Partner, I Was Off Colour Today...........................Jay Didd
• My Club Is In Dire Financial Straits.................................Charity Case
• Top Women Players Model Themselves On Men............Tom Buoys
• My Partner Buggered Off Without My Permission............A. Wall
• Is Bridge Going Down The Toilet ?..................................W. C. Lew
• The Wonder Of Downloading E-Bridge Books................Ken Dell
• Be Bold And Bid Aggressively.......................................Blaise Hayway
• How To Zapp Bunnies With Ease..................................Ray Gunn  

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BILANBEN SYNDROME

Of all the known mental disorders which affect male bridge players, the Bilanben Syndrome is by far the most distressing one to observe.
Whenever two identical woodentop players pair up the syndrome locks in. All victims with this condition share the same common characteristics : precious little skill and technique, a complete lack of awareness of what is really happening around them, and the inability to recognise their own or their partner's mistakes. Moreover, their bridge table talk is of an unintelligible language, which is aptly named " oddle puddle ", after it was first discovered on a children's TV programme back in the 1950's. For example " flobadob " means winning a trick by trumping. 
Inevitably, in every post mortem discussion of a bad board, players reveal the classic symptoms associated with this disorder. Both strive in vain to figure out what mistakes had been made, and who was responsible for them ? Was it Bill or was it Ben ? By never reaching any verdict or decision as to who should carry the can, it is always left to bemused and disbelieving listeners to figure out who was at fault.
Should their inept analysis of a previous hand lead to a petty squabble, opponents are often forced to call for the TD to help bring back a measure of sanity and calm to the proceedings.
However, once the syndrome affected players hear the footsteps of the fast approaching director, they simply dive under the table to hide away. 

In short,  the Bilanben Syndrome magnifies and heightens the many appalling traits found in mediocre bridge players : selective blindness,  self-denial ,  self-delusion, indecisiveness, and the inability to reflect in a sensible and rational way.     

DISSIDENT
MEMBERS
PETITION
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
COMMITTEE
TO 
HAVE 
BRIDGEMATES
BANNED
.......
.......
OR
PERMANENTLY
GROUNDED


Despite being issued with prohibition notices from the health and safety inspectorate, Bigot-Johnson continues to fly in the face of the law.
" Bridgemates are very handy gadgets to let off steam with......and no way will I allow this club to descend into a bland, colourless world of passive conformity. If bridge clubs are to survive, they need to be at the cutting edge....places where things happen at breakneck speed, and where flights of fancy can become a reality. "     

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING......N0.527
( Having only just regained membership at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC, Bigot-Johnson was in trouble again. Strangely, the complaint related to an incident when he moved a pencil across a table in a grotesque and erratic manner. The committee were quick to pick up on this incident and subject Bigot to yet another disciplinary. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below. )

Chairman (C ) : Bigot, we are very grateful for the £5,000 you gave us to allow you back into the club.....but that doesn't mean we can't kick you out again
B-J : On what grounds ?
C : Moving a pencil over the table in a most appalling way...
B-J : Well..... Percy Pantopod was whinging about needing something to write down the bloody score !
C : But you lifted the pencil out of North's hand.......only to bang it down.... point first... on Percy's side of the table.....narrowly missing his head in the process......just as the poor fool was leaning forward to take a spare pencil.......... located right beside yours  
B-J : So what was wrong with giving him his partner's pencil ?
C : I tell you what's wrong with that......for starters.......that pencil belonged to North......so by taking it from him you are guilty of trespass to goods.......not to mention misappropriation and misuse of club equipment.....
B-J: Hold on..... I only broke the tip of the pencil....
C : Exactly.......but let's look at all the possible crimes involved in your ill-considered action .........criminal damage to property.......theft..........causing an affray.........going equipped to commit a crime......possession of a deadly weapon........assault with intent......assault with a deadly weapon......carrying out an act likely to endanger life......attempted murder even
B-J : I only moved a pencil across a table for God's sake !
C : Excuse me.....that pencil flew across the table at a rate of knots.....with menace......directed by your hand like a guided missile......which means you were in breach of several offences under the Aviation Act
B-J : What a load of bollocks !
C : Firstly, you were guilty of propelling a pencil without licence or permission. Then, of course, there's the unauthorized penetration of airspace......making an unauthorized take-off and landing.....and... as pilot..... flying the missile in a reckless and dangerous manner ........need I go on ? 
B-J : You're insane......what sort of absurd disciplinary policy do you run at this club ?
C : A sub-zero tolerance one......which means you're banned for a second time
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered.....
C : Hopefully yes........ but this time......... by a two ton sex-starved gorilla on an overdose of viagra 

THE WAY
THINGS
ARE
DONE
AT THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
DISCIPLINARY
HEARINGS
..........
..........
..........

" Let the committee consider its verdict, " the Secretary said,  for about the twentieth time that day.

" No, no ! " said Bigot. " Sentence first.......verdict afterwards. "

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.349.....
( Pun , who in his first year of taking over the editorship of the club's newsletter, soon fell foul  of the committee's all embracing best behaviour at bridge policy. Despite earlier warnings about placing obscene double entendres on every page, Pun continued to use them in a valiant attempt to spice up articles, which would have otherwise been extremely dull and dreary. However, the last edition upset the prudish members of the committee to such an extent, Pun was dragged before a rather angry and vengeful disciplinary panel. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below.) 

Chairman (C) : So what have you got to say for yourself.......?
Pun : It's nice to get it out in the open.....don't you agree ?
C : So what do you got to say about this lastest newsletter ?
P : A masterpiece.....full of wit and humour
C : Full of puerile, inane drivel in our opinion....what we expect and what we should get are decent articles....mainly factual stuff........ such as the bidding and play of interesting hands, which members of course might well learn from..... or appreciate
P : Well, I would have included such articles if people had bothered to submit any..... instead of leaving me to provide the content.......
C : Listen you munchkin....... someone with balls has to come down hard on you....
P : Let me guess....  a well oiled upstanding member no doubt 
C : My God, you're disgusting.....you need to be shot... 
P :  I would prefer a lethal blow...if that's alright with you
C : That could be arranged....
P :  Best from behind.....
C :  Such vulgarity........that last double entendre you used was both lewd and sickening
P :  I'm sorry....but it just slipped out 
C :  This kind of vile, base, toilet humour has no place in this club ! It's for depraved people with low intellects and sick, perverted minds... 
P :  I disagree......surely, it is listener or reader who has the sick and depraved mind in order to reconstruct in his imagination the fully fledged obscenity from seemingly innocent or well intended words. The greater the disproportion between what is directly said in its innocence, and what obscenity is aroused by the mind of the listener, the finer is the witticism.....and the higher its value in good literature......Why Shakespeare himself was a master of the pun !
C : So what you're saying in effect..... is that words in statements can have double meanings, some of which lead sexually aroused respondents to immediately encode as an obscene references. Therefore, the effect is far more pronounced for high sex-anxiety respondents than for others ?
P : Not exactly, one simply needs to have a dirty mind in the first place to derive a " dirty " connotation from seemingly innocent words.
C  : But why pump so many into the club magazine ?
P : Because....the language of bridge is riddled with them....
C : Such as ?
P :  " I've got strength but not much length "......" you forced me ".... " you jumped me when you didn't have the strength for a good raise "..... " it helps if you've got a good hand "....." quick tricks "...." he's forever going down "......" picked up a queen "....." found partner with a stiff "...
" deprived an entry ".....
C : Yes...yes...I get the message......but I find all this very depressing....this is an issue we should put to the members at a EGM.... so they can all have an input..... 
P : Mass debating....... sounds good to me.....
C : Pun....you are completely incorrigible !

   

TOXIC TED GOES BALLISTIC........ ( A sad and sorry tale about a careless discard at trick 1 )

It was a tense, highly charged first division match ( teams of four aggregate scoring ), and when Ted's partner went down one in a 3NT contract " Toxic " couldn't restrain himself. His screaming tirade of vitriolic abuse echoed around all the rooms and corridors of the Slaughter House BC. 
Ted's dummy hand was :  KJ7654 .....1097........Kx......xx
Declarer's hand was :        (void) .......KQ8x.....AQx.....AKQ1098 
On the lead of the 10 of spades, the jack was played from dummy covered by East's queen,  but declarer discarded a heart  perhaps falling victim to magical thinking. East switched to a heart, with declarer's king taken by West's Ace. At this point the defence appeared to go astray  when a small heart back was played back at trick 3...... but no. Although this allowed declarer to pick up East's jack of hearts providing him with 2 tricks in that suit , the clubs failed to break  ( West holding 4 to the jack ). Declarer had no other option but to concede a club, allowing West to push through a killing low spade with East holding A8 over dummy's K7. 
Deciphering constructive criticism from Toxic's loud and lengthy rant was difficult but the gist of it was this :

• On the inevitable 3 rounds of spades , declarer would have to discard a club anyway
• So why not do it at trick one giving himself an extra chance of making the contract,  by way of 3C, 3D and 3 hearts ( this required East to have Jx or Jxx in hearts )
• If a club had been discarded at trick one, East would still be obliged to switch to hearts to put his partner back in. Now the heart return would have provided declarer with his 9 tricks.
• So assuming a sensible West would switch back to spades, all declarer has to do is cover the card in dummy,  restricting East to his two winners, leaving declarer now the problem of which suit to discard ? 
• Will clubs run ? Or will the jack of hearts be in the right place ?
• Table presence and intuition might well determine the answer, but whatever choice was to be made it was still criminal to discard a heart at trick one.

Even Bigot felt obliged to reprimand " Toxic " with a 3 month suspension for his outrageous behaviour, but Ted didn't care as it gave him plenty of time to find and train up a new partner. 
  

BIGOT'S WIFE LAYS DOWN THE LAW BUT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE CHAIRMAN PULLS OFF HIS GREATEST COUP...... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Forever cursing the day Bigot took up competitive bridge, his much abandoned wife had reached the end of her tether waiting for him to come back from the club. The law had to be laid down in no uncertain terms : bridge was to be severely rationed .
Well, a week ago Bigot went out as usual to take on one of his classes for a few extra quid. Expected him home around 6 pm, to be taken out for an evening meal, Bigot failed to appear.
Unable to resist another three hours of glorious bridge,  he had stayed on for the evening session having been offered the chance to partner the club's top player. Arriving home about midnight, he sneaked in by the back door hoping to make it to the spare bedroom without being noticed. No such luck. She who must be obeyed was standing at the top of the stairs, rolling pin in hand, and frothing at the mouth.
" Where the bloody hell have you been ? " 
Bigot, shocked and shaken with guilt written all over his face, decided to unleash the mother of all excuses.
" I'm so so sorry, darling....I done a terrible thing.....but I want to come clean about it.....forgive me please........On my way home I saw this young gorgeous looking, buxom blonde on the side of the road, struggling to jack her car up to change a flat tyre. Naturally, I felt obliged to offer her some assistance. It wasn't long before the job was done and the spare wheel fitted. However, just as I was about to bid farewell, she invited me back to her place for a thank you cup and coffee and biscuits. How could I say no ?  Regretfully, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed making passionate love the whole evening, getting into positions I once thought were impossible. The sex was magnificent.....but I am so sorry..... I allowed my inner demons to take control. I beg for your forgiveness....."
Bigot's wife looked at him long and hard before a flicker of a smile crossed her face.
" Thank God for that....Thank God....because if I thought for a minute you had been playing bridge....then all hell would have broken loose ! "

   

LAW REPORT : DONCASTER COUNTY COUNCIL  (ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION DEPT) v. BIGOT-JOHNSON & OTHERS 2013

Bigot-Johnson, maverick chairman and owner of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, had for several months binned letters from the local council.....all unopened. Most of them were litter abatement notices from the EPD, which required the manager and/or owner of the club to clear the land of litter and refuse. Prohibitions were then sent later to stop members in the future from defacing the property with litter. Bigot of course elected to represent himself, and the other committee members. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Prosecutor ( P ) : Bigot.....you are charged with contravention of section 92 of the Environmental Protection Act
B-J : Never heard of such an Act......or what it says........ I run a private members club, and as far as I know I can do what I like on my own land 
P : No so....where litter is concerned. Your club falls under the jurisdiction of the Act because it has the status of being an educational institution, given the dozens of rip-off bridge classes you run for personal profit and gain. But what is most shocking is the amount of paper litter strewn all over the club's expansive gardens, making the property a haven for rats and vermin
B-J : What litter ?.................And I can't help it if members of my club spend all their time scurrying about in dark corners
P : Well, your premises has been under observation for several months, and it's common practice for players, when they leave the building, to rip up their score cards in utter disgust, scattering the pieces everywhere
B-J : Too bloody right they do.....who in their right minds would want to leave evidence lying around about their complete inadequacy and ineptitude at the game.....just for others to read and have a jolly good laugh  
P : Then why don't you provide bins inside the club ?
B-J : We do.....but they're all full to the brim with nasty letters of complaint about me, and the shenanigans of the committee  ......Anyway, since members are told not to discard remnants of their miserable scorecards on the floor.......they simply do the business outside
P : So why not provide them with bins outside the building ?
B-J: We would do if it wasn't for the fact that members would nick'em to use as garden plant pots
P : Well, whatever limp excuses you come up with they will be to no avail. Creating litter is a strict liability crime, and by ignoring these abatement and prohibition notices you have rendered yourself..... in the eyes of the law......... a complete tearaway and rogue
B-J : Oh.....but how was I to know what was in these letters ?
P : By slitting them open....
B-J : If only I had the time.....I'm far too busy shredding incriminating documents about what I and committee members get up to 
P : My God !
B-J : My God indeed.....I need to split.....I'm down to play in this afternoon's duplicate against a load of bunnies and numpties
Judge : Yes....of course you can go......but only after parting with £5000 to pay for the fine I'm about to impose upon you
B-J : Bugger.....         

" HOW TO SURVIVE AND WIN AT BRIDGE "........BIGOT JOHNSON'S LONG AWAITED BOOK IS NOW IN PRINT

Yes, the bridge book that is destined to be the world's best seller has now finally come to fruition after several years of toil and sweat. Bigot Johnson, the  editor and creator of the infamous " Bad Bridge " magazine,  has produced what many are calling " amazing, utterly unbelievable ......groundbreaking material ". A treasury of ideas and advice based upon his vast experience, cunning and wisdom.
This is a book which can turn mere insignificant mortals into bridge legends. This is a book about how to dedicate your life to bridge, how to win at this game without necessarily having a single shred of ability, and how to survive in high octane, intense encounters of the third kind. This is a book for guilt ridden, overly timid, bunnies.
Its contents include :

• How to needle opponents into losing their focus and concentration
• How to watch your partner go down in a stone cold contract but still hold your composure
• How to still earn praise and admiration from others when you fail to make a contract 
• How to rationalise wasting 20 or more hours a week playing bridge
• How to rationalise spending even more hours a week on reading and discussing bridge related topics 
• How to communicate secretly with partner without the opponents ever knowing or suspecting
• How to hog the bidding when partnering a complete woodentop 
• How to keep your bridge widow of a wife reasonably contented
• How to develop a thick skin and a sharp tongue
• How to manipulate TDs to (a) accept your version of the disputed facts, (b) take your side in the dispute, and (c) award you a more than favourable ruling
• How to dump unwarranted partners who refuse to go of their own accord
• How to read the flight path of a fast approaching flying bridgemates and take evasive action
• How to tune your hearing into table conversations taking place several yards away
• How to get a really bad board scrubbed from the scoring,  by clever sleight of hand card replacement
• How to persuade the best players to take up your sponsorship offers  
• How to appear a far better player than you really are
• How to adopt proper etiquette when it clearly pays you to do so 
• How to successfully defend yourself at disciplinary hearings      

HAPPINESS IN BRIDGE.........( Article by Carp )

Strange as it may seem, bridge players are looked upon as a whinging, forlorn, downcast, miserable,  bunch of sour losers, given the expressions on their faces as they exit another tournament with little to cheer about. Indeed, bridge was once defined as " the most fun a person can have without laughing ". 
Nevertheless, I see bridge players with happy faces wherever I look, but I do acknowledge there are varying degrees of happiness..... from a flicker of joy to sustained merriment. Happiness is such an abstract concept,  it is very difficult to give a precise definition. However, one can be precise about what we observe at the bridge table. By studying players' stereo-typical table behaviour, one can start to unravel the true meaning of this word.

• A smile can sometimes start the proceedings, being nothing more than a whiff of optimism as a player sits down with his partner to play the first board 
• A fixed, feigned or fake smile religiously occurs when greeting new opponents 
• A grin usually occurs when a finesse works, or when trumps break favourably
• A hee-haw takes place when the opponents squander an advantage handed to them earlier on    
• A chuckle occurs when for the first time an attempted squeeze actually comes off
• A snicker occurs when an opponent's silly mistake hands you an easy top
• A guffaw occurs when an opponent allows you to make a singleton two of trumps 
• A smirk takes place when a player sticks one across his closest challenger , ex-partner, or club expert
• Crowing occurs when one good score is followed by another....and another 
• Repeated hoots of joy can be heard when yet another psych brings off a galactic top
• Laughter occurs when an anti-percentage bid or play results in a rather fortuitous top
• Huge belly laughs echo around the room when the opponents end up in a grand slam missing Aces and/or other key cards
• Outrageous roars can be heard for miles when seemingly competent opponents self-destruct on 3 consecutive boards 
• Extremely boisterous laughter occurs when successful players get together for a drink after the game to mock the unfortunate pairs who (a) made silly mistakes, (b) fell into cleverly laid traps, and (c) had good results converted by the TDs into bottoms for alleged breaches of the rules 
• Uncontrolled rip-roaring laughter continues well into the night when a completely false and fabricated complaint to a TD gets the alleged offender ( a long sworn enemy ) removed from the competition or tournament 

So yes, happiness is there to be seen in the game of bridge if people just simply keep their eyes and ears open.     

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ..............
( Many bridge players dismiss the concept of luck being a random factor, believing that good players make their own luck and therefore win on merit. But even in big tournaments no-hopers can have their day......and in such bizarre circumstances the only rational explanation can be     " What a pair of jammy bastards they are ! " . So here are a few well known " luck " idioms and phrases.....with appropriate definitions......which are commonly used by bridge players in the usual highly charged, bar room post mortems. )

• Bad luck : the usual explanation given for going off in a cold contract ,or being well down the field
• Good luck : a critical factor which is vehemently denied by unexpected winners, who have convinced themselves that success was born out of their superior ability and technique
• Hard luck : what players are left with after they have tried their very best 
• Beginner's luck : when an inexperienced player bids and plays like a prune only to triumph over top class experts
• Lady luck : that annoying bitch of a woman who all too often sits on the shoulders of one's opponents 
• Strike it lucky : when a random wild throw of a bridgemate unbelievably hits the person you hate the most
• Push one's luck : what unscrupulous players will do when their cheating, filthy, low down signalling system continues to be both successful and undetected
• Pot luck : when a random psych turns out to be highly profitable 
• Devil's luck : what cheats expect to get in return for selling their souls to Satan
• Chance one's luck : a blind or wild punt at a slam by a clueless but reckless bidder  

  

DR. JOHN's CASE NOTES : THE GOLDILOCKS SYNDROME

It is no accident that fairy tales have endured in Western civilization for many years. They are often viewed as a source of fundamental wisdom to some, and to others an insight to the weaknesses and failings of the human condition. Indeed, it is my contention that Goldilocks and bridge players have a great deal in common.  Several of my clients,  who come to me despairing of their lack of success but searching for answers, all have the classic symptoms of The Goldilocks Syndrome. These include :
(a) Failing to make the right initial choices. Time and time again their first bid or opening lead turns out to be the wrong choice. Consequently,  this constant pressing of the self-destruct button proves fatal,  and the victim gets repeatedly buried under an avalanche of horrendous bottoms. and below average scores.
(b) A perverse inability to take even basic precautions. Often, in playing a game contract it may be necessary to make appropriate safety plays, such as taking out trumps, eliminating side suits, and severing opponents' communications. By not recognizing or looking out for potential risks, GS sufferers ignore the idea of taking any precautions, and as a result they pay a heavy price when straightforward, easily makeable, contracts go off. 
(c) Pushing one's luck too far. In bridge, luck often plays a part in one's occasional moments of triumph and glory, but those with the Goldilocks Syndrome allow these rare episodes of good fortune to go to straight to their heads,  by drawing illogical conclusions. For instance, they start to associate winning with good luck, believing that's all they need to get by . So by relying on luck to obtain favourable results, they fail to focus on what is really needed to achieve success at this game: namely, talent, dedication, and hard work. 
So getting my clients out of the wood has never been easy task for me despite my expertise in the field. In fact,  more and more sufferers knock on my surgery door every week : half decent players who have eventually succumbed to bouts of impulsive, reckless and cavalier behaviour, as the Goldilocks child within them begins to break free.           

    

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY  REVISITED.........

• Happiness : an agreeable sensation arising from heaping more and more misery upon hapless opponents 
• Inflated ego : the stereotypical characteristic of most club players who annoyingly perceive themselves as accomplished players 
• Super ( inflated ) ego : an advanced state of selfhood reached only by those players, who attain a ranking which is far and above their level of ability 
• Complainants : players who take extreme umbrage when told a few home truths about themselves by others at the table
• Re-enactment : a re-run of an unpleasant incident which allows the alleged offender a second opportunity to inflict even greater damage ( or injury ) to the unfortunate victim  
• Disciplinary panel : members of the club, seemingly selected for their objectivity and impartiality, who conduct a hearing with a sentence in mind before any verdict is made    
• Disciplinary hearing : a well chosen euphemism for a rubber stamp exercise and/or hatchet job
• Afternoon duplicates : weekly club events where the standard of bridge matches the frailty and disability of those who attend 
• Woodentop : an alternative choice of reference for a player usually described as " a plank "
• Acol : a loose and undisciplined system of bidding, which imparts vague information about one's hand, where run-of-the-mill players end up relying on inspired guesswork or wild punts to reach high level contracts      

BENIGN BC ( USA ) TAKES THE INITIATIVE TO HAND OUT AWARDS TO EXPELLED MEMBERS AS PARTING GIFTS....

Rather than fork out damages for breach of contract to wrongfully expelled club members, the committee thought it was cracking good idea to compensate them instead with suitable awards......something they could cherish and treasure for a long time. Examples include:

The Man Of Action award for the player who rather than tell the TD what he could do with his rule book proceeded to do it for him 
Red Baron award for the pilot whose flying bridgemates scored the most direct hits
The Embroidery award for having an uncanny knack of needling opponents at every table 
Brown Bear award for being the most bad tempered, grizzly individual in the club
The Spill The Beans award for revealing and exposing the shenanigans and dubious practices of the committee
Shut-The-Fuck-Up award for failing to keep quiet despite numerous requests and warnings 
Big Wooden Ladle award for constantly stirring up trouble through malicious gossip and false rumours
Foul Mouth Obscenity award for the player whose insults were (a) vulgar in the extreme, (b) blasphemous, or (c) loaded with unrepeatable expletives 
Both Barrels award for telling other members in no uncertain terms what filthy low down cheats they are
Voice Of the People award for being the club's leading critic, prepared to slag off people who others rate the same but are too fearful or reluctant to speak out against       

BIGOT MISSES A CHANCE TO REDEEM HIMSELF.........

Up against Johnny Supremo's team in an open first division league match, Bigot was for once experiencing a measure of joy at the table. However, on one hand a big swing went the way of his opponents.
Bigot held x.....K9874....AKQxxx....x, while his partner came up with AKJxxx....AQ....xx....KQJ.
His first mistake was to open 1H and his second mistake was failing to convert his partner's call of 6H to 6NT.
With 6D and 6NT easy makes with diamonds behaving correctly, there were always 12 tricks for the taking  ( 6D, 3H, 2S, 1C ). Bigot desperately wanted to make this contract but failed after conceding a club to his LHO and a heart to his RHO,  who damn it all was dealt Jxxx in a flattish 3-4-2-4 distribution. 
Bemoaning the 4-2 break in hearts Bigot was inconsolable, but then became extremely incensed when Johnny quietly pointed out that as the cards lay,  a rare and wonderful opportunity had arisen to execute an exquisite trump coup.
On the Ace of clubs lead following by a spade switch, Bigot could ruff a small spade at trick 3, returning to dummy with a heart. Back to hand with the Ace of diamonds, then another top diamond, before going over to dummy again with a heart. Having noticed his LHO's heart 10 from a presumed doubleton, everything now relied upon dummy's remaining black cards all being good. So when the king of spades brought down the queen his LHO opponent was well and truly fixed. At some stage she would have to ruff a spade or club winner, which would then enable Bigot to over-ruff, pull her last trump, and claim the contract with nothing but diamond winners in his own hand.
" But why should I presume my LHO had 4 hearts? " asked the sore and whimpering Bigot.
" Well, my partner gave a honest and even count on her clubs at trick one, not to mention her high low doubleton count on diamonds, and her odd number count in spades. So with a highly probable 4-2 holding in the minors,  she had seven cards in the majors. So by dismissing the notion she had five spades,  she could have only started out with 3......which therefore means she had 4 hearts." 
" Johnny.....you are a sickening smart-arse who does my head-in ! "
" Bigot........you are a sad git who cannot make obvious inferences or take constructive criticism. "   

     

BENIGN BC ( USA ) INTRODUCES EXCITING NEW COMPLIANCE AWARDS FOR 2013..............

Apart from the usual glut of trophies which as always will end up with the usual suspects, the club chairman has now introduced a whole load of compliance awards to reward those totally committed to upholding the hundreds of draconian sub-zero tolerance policy rules. These disciplinary initiatives of course have reshaped and reformed the club into one renown for its warm, welcoming and friendly atmosphere. 
Indeed, these compliance awards were created to inspire and motivate members to be on their best behaviour at all times,  no matter how difficult the circumstances may have been.

Biting One's Tongue award for the player who,  despite the annoying habits and relentless provocation by others, managed to hold his tongue and keep his emotions in check 
Turning The Other Cheek is an award for the person who fell victim to an unwarranted  assault, yet cast aside thoughts of retaliation only to put himself back into the firing line 
Goody Two-shoes award for the player who received the most nominations for his/her impeccable manners, sincerity and all round kindness
Uriah heap award for the club's biggest creep noted for his cloying humility and obsequiousness 
Wouldn't Say Boo To A Goose award for the player whose total silence was based on a crippling combination of timidity, hesitation and fear 
The Tommy award for the player who became so quiet other members were convinced he/she had become a deaf mute
Empty Personality award for the player who underwent the greatest change, by leaving behind his lively, boisterous, entertaining, colourful character to become an empty, bland, compliant shadow of his former self
Stand On Ceremony award for the most brainwashed player, who rigidly held onto protocol and formal manners as if his/her life depended upon it
The Arse Licking ( Brown Tongue ) award for the member who chose to obey all the SZTP rules in an attempt to win the praise, admiration and affection of the club's privileged elite
Sticks And Stones award for the victim of both psychological and physical bullying, who never once allowed " names " to hurt him..........only the well aimed flying bridgemates and fists   
    

         

BENIGN BC SUB-ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY RULE No.1937.....

(a) Sniffing and snorting are not only regarded as bad habits, but also a major noise distraction to others wishing to concentrate in a quiet and still environment.
(b) Sniffing the seats vacated by lady members is absolutely forbidden, irrespective of how severe one's compulsion to behave in a lewd and perverse way.
(c) Snorting will be regarded as aggressive and offensive behaviour, especially if accompanied by other bullish actions, such as rearing one's head, scraping the floor with one's foot and flaring one's nostrils.
(d) Sniffing, even when it is the consequence of failing to have a tissue or handkerchief to hand, will be deemed as a violation of rule 1568, which deals with the wanton and reckless disregard of the health ( and safety ) of other members. Turning up the club with some nasty contagious bug can only be viewed as planning an assault by means of germ warfare.  

Any breach of one or more of the above will result in an automatic 3 month suspension, unless the offending member agrees to attend 12 sessions ( cost £240 ) run by the more hoity toity members of the ruling committee on " good manners, etiquette,  personal hygiene and grooming ". 

ANOTHER MIND NUMBING INCIDENT FROM INSIDE THE BENIGN BC USA......... ( where sub-zero tolerance policies have created a playing atmosphere of sickeningly false good naturedness and ingratiating politeness  )

North : Partner.....to see you making eight tricks filled me with great pleasure
South : But I was in 3S doubled !......And more to the point I should have made ten tricks
North : You mustn't beat yourself up like that....I'm damned relieved you weren't two off for minus five hundred
South : Indeed sir.....indeed.....and on that positive thought I must congratulate myself
North : I'm afraid you can't do that......according to ZT rule 2194 " it is deemed bad practice for players to congratulate themselves, or their partners,  for fear of offending their opponents, who might well be embarrassed having foolishly lobbed away tricks through their  inept, shameful and woeful play...." 
South : Yes.....it is wrong to be smug and jolly at another's misfortune.......because as it happened I'm pretty sure an agitated and troubled East revoked at trick 5
North : Did he.....I didn't notice that....
South : Well, I didn't want to call the director for fear of making an allegation that may have been incorrect .......and neither did I want to impose upon a director..... who was already run off his feet dealing with dozens of petty queries
North : How considerate of you....
East : Excuse me......but did I hear you say I might have revoked ?
South : Yes.....I'm very sorry if I was mistaken
East : Well, I suspect you may be right....I do tend to mix up my clubs with my spades.....I'm sure my eyesight is beginning to fail me...
South : Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that......but as for the revoke....that's all water under the bridge so to speak 
North : Yes, no use now crying over spilt milk......we've two more boards to play
East : Well, I must say that you two...... are without doubt....... both gentlemen and scholars