NEWSFLASH
( By Pun ) :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC 
GOES TO 
THE DOGS
..........
..........
..........
BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS HOUNDED AND COLLARED BY
GOSSIP MONGERING JOURNALISTS

" Yes....yes....I'm at the end of my tether alright......with everyone bitchin' about the way I operate as chairman. But hell.....I've been chasing my tail for days now looking for a way forward to get this club back onto its feet again. And what's more I've a few bones to pick with you arseholes who say the club is finished. You're all barking mad. I know I'm dogmatic but that's what I'm all about : arrogant, bigoted, snappy, intolerant and dictatorial. So don't unleash any more of your dirt finding questions on me.......I'm need time to paws....and time to sniff out a devious solution to get the club out of the huge financial hole I've just dug for it. "     

NEWSFLASH :
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB 
INSISTS
ON THE
COMPULSORY
WEARING 
OF CRASH
HELMETS
.......

EVEN FOR

DOGS

" As Bigot's new partner the likelihood of a flying bridge mate coming my way is almost a red hot certainty........and although I don't know how much protection this high impact ABS plastic helmet provides, I'm not arguing with the club's health and safety  rules on appropriate dress......"

LAW REPORT : PATRICIA PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS ( 2013)

( Yet another Pantopod went sent packing after been being disciplined for not wearing her crash helmet during play, which given the high incidence of flying bridgemates was viewed as a serious breach of the club's health and safety rules. The plaintiff was now claiming wrongful expulsion on the grounds that she received the ban without ever having the opportunity to represent herself before the sentence was carried out.  Bigot of course chose to act as counsel for the defence . A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Bigot : Who's the next witness for the plaintiff ?
Judge : " Painless " Peter Potter
( Witness takes the stand )
Bigot : I don't know you from Adam.....but you're certainly not a member of the Slaughter House Bridge Club 
Witness : Too damn right I'm not.....I'm no fool
Bigot : So you claim to be an expert on this thorny subject of disciplinary procedures ?
Witness : I would like to think so...
Bigot : Well, let's hear what you have to say then....
Witness : It seems blatantly obvious that you cannot ban a player without first giving him or her an initial hearing to state their defence...  or question the evidence laid against them   
Bigot : Excuse me you smart arse, namby pamby, lardy dah, pompous git.......our constitution entitles the committee to suspend any need for a hearing if it is apparent there would be no point in giving her one !
Witness : Oh dear....you are so wrong. There happens to be a much higher authority which goes beyond your constitution.....one to which your committee should have adhered to. This categorically states that a disciplinary process will be flawed " if the member did not have an adequate opportunity to represent himself....or if the process in the club's constitution was not fully adhered to ". Where the process can be established as flawed the decision to expel the member should have been set aside. Then the club should either deal with the matter correctly, or go to the county association to do it afresh.
Bigot : Excuse me Mr. Know-It-All......just who the bleedin' hell are you ?
Witness : Secretary of the EBU Law and Ethics Committee
Bigot : Oh.........but hang on on mo.......that bitch of a woman did get a hearing when she came up before club's carefully vetted appeal panel
Witness : So what you're saying then is that she did get a hearing after all ?
Bigot : Yes....yes....she did.....she did
Witness : But that was like a student failing a written exam before she even sat it.........but then when she took the exam the original mark still stood
Bigot : What a tosser you are ........I've had enough of your clever dick observations.......now you can go back to whatever hole you crawled out from....
   

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S VERY TELLING DISCARD........  

Bigot's nemesis opponents quickly reached 3NT. The contract was made in a matter of seconds. She took the opening spade lead with the Ace, cashed the Ace of diamonds, and then proceeded to rattle off dummy's seven top hearts on which to lob away all her losing diamonds.
On the third round of hearts, a highly agitated and fuming Bigot discarded the Ace of clubs.
With the naive innocence of a saintly nun, declarer turned towards Bigot's partner and politely asked " What is the meaning of this discard ? "
The poor man who had a real sense of foreboding, thought for a while before answering.
" I believe......", he said tentatively, "........that he's telling me I should have led the unbid suit and that I'm due to get the mother of all bollockings at the end of this round ". 

THOUGHT OF THE DAY ......... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge has been defined in a thousand different ways. Each definition and description waxes lyrical about one or more of the game's great virtues. Many have hit the proverbial nail on the head, but one writer, Edward McPherson,  paints in words a superb picture of what bridge is really all about.

" Bridge is a battle between fate and chance, mediated by skill. What I didn't say...and what nobody knows...is how you learn to live with the results. Bridge offers a fantasy of control that is constantly crumbling. You are attempting to outwit the world's chaos, and we all know how that ends. "




   

BIGOT-JOHNSON GETS PUT IN HIS PLACE....... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot was a very worried man. His court case was only a few weeks away. A supremely confident Percy Pantopod was suing him for slander, and seeking damages in the region of £250,000.
In the bar Bigot was ranting away as usual about this case and how he needed help, when a visiting player shouted across to him.
" There's nothing to worry about mate if what you said about him was either true.....or can't be proved false "
Bigot didn't take kindly to being alerted to the basics of the law regarding defamation, especially by someone was a complete stranger to the club.
" Let me bloody well guess.....you're a smart arse lawyer from down south......"
At this point a club member jumped up from his seat amazed at Bigot's deductive powers.
" Blimey....how you know that.....my brother Paul is up here on a trip to Doncaster.....and he's a high flying London lawyer  "
Bigot immediately replied : " I knew that....... because the observations he made were 100% accurate, but completely useless.....since everything I said about Percy was pure invention comprising of wicked, vindictive and malicious lies...."
In a flash the barrister got up from his seat to stand his ground.
" Well sir.....you come across to me as an arrogant sod.......supposedly in control, but far from it. You don't know what you are doing, or what the implications of your actions are. You've pushed yourself into an unresolvable predicament from which there is no turning back. This situation is of your own making and has come about through an embarrassing lack of forethought and common sense........a situation which could have been avoided by either thinking before speaking, or having both the humility and remorse to apologise. And if you expect the law to exonerate you for having acting with crass stupidity, then you're a bigger fool than I first took you for. Moreover,  you then have the audacity and nerve to dismiss my freely given observations as useless ! "
Bigot not surprisingly was rendered completely speechless.        

BRIDGE BOOKS NOW ON SALE FROM A SOFT PORN PUBLISHING COMPANY...... ( Says an excited Pun )

• What The Hell Is My Partner Doing ?...............................Jason Gurles
• Blimey, Has This Game Worn Me Out.............................Fanny Saggin
• I've Been Barred From Playing Bridge............................Erin Syde
• If You're Good At Bridge Turn Professional.....................Ernie Levin
• That Trophy Belongs To Us You Cheats !........................Andy Tover
• The Best Way To Deal With Useless Partners...............Ed Buttem
• Everyone's Curious About My New Partner ?.................Woody Kum
• I Must Warn You  I'm About To Trump............................Stan Wellback
• Have ZT Policies Become More Draconian ?.................Marshall Law
• Another Wretched Scorecard ? Well, That's Life.............Cilla Vee
• I Can Tell You Had A Good Night With Your Partner........Seaman Staines
• Sometimes I Would Rather Partner A Monkey.................Hugh Jape
• Bigot-Johnson's Been Convicted Yet Again.....................Watts E. Dunn  
• How I Got To The Banbury Cross Congress.....................Honor Cockhorse 

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM A BYGONE AGE...... (  Recently unearthed by Pun )

• Ireland's Greatest Ever Bridge Player............................Toby Shaw
• Losing To That Pair Was Shocking................................F. Hinelle
• Sorry Partner, I Was Off Colour Today...........................Jay Didd
• My Club Is In Dire Financial Straits.................................Charity Case
• Top Women Players Model Themselves On Men............Tom Buoys
• My Partner Buggered Off Without My Permission............A. Wall
• Is Bridge Going Down The Toilet ?..................................W. C. Lew
• The Wonder Of Downloading E-Bridge Books................Ken Dell
• Be Bold And Bid Aggressively.......................................Blaise Hayway
• How To Zapp Bunnies With Ease..................................Ray Gunn  

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : BILANBEN SYNDROME

Of all the known mental disorders which affect male bridge players, the Bilanben Syndrome is by far the most distressing one to observe.
Whenever two identical woodentop players pair up the syndrome locks in. All victims with this condition share the same common characteristics : precious little skill and technique, a complete lack of awareness of what is really happening around them, and the inability to recognise their own or their partner's mistakes. Moreover, their bridge table talk is of an unintelligible language, which is aptly named " oddle puddle ", after it was first discovered on a children's TV programme back in the 1950's. For example " flobadob " means winning a trick by trumping. 
Inevitably, in every post mortem discussion of a bad board, players reveal the classic symptoms associated with this disorder. Both strive in vain to figure out what mistakes had been made, and who was responsible for them ? Was it Bill or was it Ben ? By never reaching any verdict or decision as to who should carry the can, it is always left to bemused and disbelieving listeners to figure out who was at fault.
Should their inept analysis of a previous hand lead to a petty squabble, opponents are often forced to call for the TD to help bring back a measure of sanity and calm to the proceedings.
However, once the syndrome affected players hear the footsteps of the fast approaching director, they simply dive under the table to hide away. 

In short,  the Bilanben Syndrome magnifies and heightens the many appalling traits found in mediocre bridge players : selective blindness,  self-denial ,  self-delusion, indecisiveness, and the inability to reflect in a sensible and rational way.     

DISSIDENT
MEMBERS
PETITION
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
COMMITTEE
TO 
HAVE 
BRIDGEMATES
BANNED
.......
.......
OR
PERMANENTLY
GROUNDED


Despite being issued with prohibition notices from the health and safety inspectorate, Bigot-Johnson continues to fly in the face of the law.
" Bridgemates are very handy gadgets to let off steam with......and no way will I allow this club to descend into a bland, colourless world of passive conformity. If bridge clubs are to survive, they need to be at the cutting edge....places where things happen at breakneck speed, and where flights of fancy can become a reality. "     

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING......N0.527
( Having only just regained membership at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC, Bigot-Johnson was in trouble again. Strangely, the complaint related to an incident when he moved a pencil across a table in a grotesque and erratic manner. The committee were quick to pick up on this incident and subject Bigot to yet another disciplinary. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below. )

Chairman (C ) : Bigot, we are very grateful for the £5,000 you gave us to allow you back into the club.....but that doesn't mean we can't kick you out again
B-J : On what grounds ?
C : Moving a pencil over the table in a most appalling way...
B-J : Well..... Percy Pantopod was whinging about needing something to write down the bloody score !
C : But you lifted the pencil out of North's hand.......only to bang it down.... point first... on Percy's side of the table.....narrowly missing his head in the process......just as the poor fool was leaning forward to take a spare pencil.......... located right beside yours  
B-J : So what was wrong with giving him his partner's pencil ?
C : I tell you what's wrong with that......for starters.......that pencil belonged to North......so by taking it from him you are guilty of trespass to goods.......not to mention misappropriation and misuse of club equipment.....
B-J: Hold on..... I only broke the tip of the pencil....
C : Exactly.......but let's look at all the possible crimes involved in your ill-considered action .........criminal damage to property.......theft..........causing an affray.........going equipped to commit a crime......possession of a deadly weapon........assault with intent......assault with a deadly weapon......carrying out an act likely to endanger life......attempted murder even
B-J : I only moved a pencil across a table for God's sake !
C : Excuse me.....that pencil flew across the table at a rate of knots.....with menace......directed by your hand like a guided missile......which means you were in breach of several offences under the Aviation Act
B-J : What a load of bollocks !
C : Firstly, you were guilty of propelling a pencil without licence or permission. Then, of course, there's the unauthorized penetration of airspace......making an unauthorized take-off and landing.....and... as pilot..... flying the missile in a reckless and dangerous manner ........need I go on ? 
B-J : You're insane......what sort of absurd disciplinary policy do you run at this club ?
C : A sub-zero tolerance one......which means you're banned for a second time
B-J : Well, I'll be buggered.....
C : Hopefully yes........ but this time......... by a two ton sex-starved gorilla on an overdose of viagra 

THE WAY
THINGS
ARE
DONE
AT THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
DISCIPLINARY
HEARINGS
..........
..........
..........

" Let the committee consider its verdict, " the Secretary said,  for about the twentieth time that day.

" No, no ! " said Bigot. " Sentence first.......verdict afterwards. "

BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.349.....
( Pun , who in his first year of taking over the editorship of the club's newsletter, soon fell foul  of the committee's all embracing best behaviour at bridge policy. Despite earlier warnings about placing obscene double entendres on every page, Pun continued to use them in a valiant attempt to spice up articles, which would have otherwise been extremely dull and dreary. However, the last edition upset the prudish members of the committee to such an extent, Pun was dragged before a rather angry and vengeful disciplinary panel. A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below.) 

Chairman (C) : So what have you got to say for yourself.......?
Pun : It's nice to get it out in the open.....don't you agree ?
C : So what do you got to say about this lastest newsletter ?
P : A masterpiece.....full of wit and humour
C : Full of puerile, inane drivel in our opinion....what we expect and what we should get are decent articles....mainly factual stuff........ such as the bidding and play of interesting hands, which members of course might well learn from..... or appreciate
P : Well, I would have included such articles if people had bothered to submit any..... instead of leaving me to provide the content.......
C : Listen you munchkin....... someone with balls has to come down hard on you....
P : Let me guess....  a well oiled upstanding member no doubt 
C : My God, you're disgusting.....you need to be shot... 
P :  I would prefer a lethal blow...if that's alright with you
C : That could be arranged....
P :  Best from behind.....
C :  Such vulgarity........that last double entendre you used was both lewd and sickening
P :  I'm sorry....but it just slipped out 
C :  This kind of vile, base, toilet humour has no place in this club ! It's for depraved people with low intellects and sick, perverted minds... 
P :  I disagree......surely, it is listener or reader who has the sick and depraved mind in order to reconstruct in his imagination the fully fledged obscenity from seemingly innocent or well intended words. The greater the disproportion between what is directly said in its innocence, and what obscenity is aroused by the mind of the listener, the finer is the witticism.....and the higher its value in good literature......Why Shakespeare himself was a master of the pun !
C : So what you're saying in effect..... is that words in statements can have double meanings, some of which lead sexually aroused respondents to immediately encode as an obscene references. Therefore, the effect is far more pronounced for high sex-anxiety respondents than for others ?
P : Not exactly, one simply needs to have a dirty mind in the first place to derive a " dirty " connotation from seemingly innocent words.
C  : But why pump so many into the club magazine ?
P : Because....the language of bridge is riddled with them....
C : Such as ?
P :  " I've got strength but not much length "......" you forced me ".... " you jumped me when you didn't have the strength for a good raise "..... " it helps if you've got a good hand "....." quick tricks "...." he's forever going down "......" picked up a queen "....." found partner with a stiff "...
" deprived an entry ".....
C : Yes...yes...I get the message......but I find all this very depressing....this is an issue we should put to the members at a EGM.... so they can all have an input..... 
P : Mass debating....... sounds good to me.....
C : Pun....you are completely incorrigible !

   

TOXIC TED GOES BALLISTIC........ ( A sad and sorry tale about a careless discard at trick 1 )

It was a tense, highly charged first division match ( teams of four aggregate scoring ), and when Ted's partner went down one in a 3NT contract " Toxic " couldn't restrain himself. His screaming tirade of vitriolic abuse echoed around all the rooms and corridors of the Slaughter House BC. 
Ted's dummy hand was :  KJ7654 .....1097........Kx......xx
Declarer's hand was :        (void) .......KQ8x.....AQx.....AKQ1098 
On the lead of the 10 of spades, the jack was played from dummy covered by East's queen,  but declarer discarded a heart  perhaps falling victim to magical thinking. East switched to a heart, with declarer's king taken by West's Ace. At this point the defence appeared to go astray  when a small heart back was played back at trick 3...... but no. Although this allowed declarer to pick up East's jack of hearts providing him with 2 tricks in that suit , the clubs failed to break  ( West holding 4 to the jack ). Declarer had no other option but to concede a club, allowing West to push through a killing low spade with East holding A8 over dummy's K7. 
Deciphering constructive criticism from Toxic's loud and lengthy rant was difficult but the gist of it was this :

• On the inevitable 3 rounds of spades , declarer would have to discard a club anyway
• So why not do it at trick one giving himself an extra chance of making the contract,  by way of 3C, 3D and 3 hearts ( this required East to have Jx or Jxx in hearts )
• If a club had been discarded at trick one, East would still be obliged to switch to hearts to put his partner back in. Now the heart return would have provided declarer with his 9 tricks.
• So assuming a sensible West would switch back to spades, all declarer has to do is cover the card in dummy,  restricting East to his two winners, leaving declarer now the problem of which suit to discard ? 
• Will clubs run ? Or will the jack of hearts be in the right place ?
• Table presence and intuition might well determine the answer, but whatever choice was to be made it was still criminal to discard a heart at trick one.

Even Bigot felt obliged to reprimand " Toxic " with a 3 month suspension for his outrageous behaviour, but Ted didn't care as it gave him plenty of time to find and train up a new partner. 
  

BIGOT'S WIFE LAYS DOWN THE LAW BUT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE CHAIRMAN PULLS OFF HIS GREATEST COUP...... ( A very nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Forever cursing the day Bigot took up competitive bridge, his much abandoned wife had reached the end of her tether waiting for him to come back from the club. The law had to be laid down in no uncertain terms : bridge was to be severely rationed .
Well, a week ago Bigot went out as usual to take on one of his classes for a few extra quid. Expected him home around 6 pm, to be taken out for an evening meal, Bigot failed to appear.
Unable to resist another three hours of glorious bridge,  he had stayed on for the evening session having been offered the chance to partner the club's top player. Arriving home about midnight, he sneaked in by the back door hoping to make it to the spare bedroom without being noticed. No such luck. She who must be obeyed was standing at the top of the stairs, rolling pin in hand, and frothing at the mouth.
" Where the bloody hell have you been ? " 
Bigot, shocked and shaken with guilt written all over his face, decided to unleash the mother of all excuses.
" I'm so so sorry, darling....I done a terrible thing.....but I want to come clean about it.....forgive me please........On my way home I saw this young gorgeous looking, buxom blonde on the side of the road, struggling to jack her car up to change a flat tyre. Naturally, I felt obliged to offer her some assistance. It wasn't long before the job was done and the spare wheel fitted. However, just as I was about to bid farewell, she invited me back to her place for a thank you cup and coffee and biscuits. How could I say no ?  Regretfully, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed making passionate love the whole evening, getting into positions I once thought were impossible. The sex was magnificent.....but I am so sorry..... I allowed my inner demons to take control. I beg for your forgiveness....."
Bigot's wife looked at him long and hard before a flicker of a smile crossed her face.
" Thank God for that....Thank God....because if I thought for a minute you had been playing bridge....then all hell would have broken loose ! "

   

LAW REPORT : DONCASTER COUNTY COUNCIL  (ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION DEPT) v. BIGOT-JOHNSON & OTHERS 2013

Bigot-Johnson, maverick chairman and owner of the Slaughter House Bridge Club, had for several months binned letters from the local council.....all unopened. Most of them were litter abatement notices from the EPD, which required the manager and/or owner of the club to clear the land of litter and refuse. Prohibitions were then sent later to stop members in the future from defacing the property with litter. Bigot of course elected to represent himself, and the other committee members. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Prosecutor ( P ) : Bigot.....you are charged with contravention of section 92 of the Environmental Protection Act
B-J : Never heard of such an Act......or what it says........ I run a private members club, and as far as I know I can do what I like on my own land 
P : No so....where litter is concerned. Your club falls under the jurisdiction of the Act because it has the status of being an educational institution, given the dozens of rip-off bridge classes you run for personal profit and gain. But what is most shocking is the amount of paper litter strewn all over the club's expansive gardens, making the property a haven for rats and vermin
B-J : What litter ?.................And I can't help it if members of my club spend all their time scurrying about in dark corners
P : Well, your premises has been under observation for several months, and it's common practice for players, when they leave the building, to rip up their score cards in utter disgust, scattering the pieces everywhere
B-J : Too bloody right they do.....who in their right minds would want to leave evidence lying around about their complete inadequacy and ineptitude at the game.....just for others to read and have a jolly good laugh  
P : Then why don't you provide bins inside the club ?
B-J : We do.....but they're all full to the brim with nasty letters of complaint about me, and the shenanigans of the committee  ......Anyway, since members are told not to discard remnants of their miserable scorecards on the floor.......they simply do the business outside
P : So why not provide them with bins outside the building ?
B-J: We would do if it wasn't for the fact that members would nick'em to use as garden plant pots
P : Well, whatever limp excuses you come up with they will be to no avail. Creating litter is a strict liability crime, and by ignoring these abatement and prohibition notices you have rendered yourself..... in the eyes of the law......... a complete tearaway and rogue
B-J : Oh.....but how was I to know what was in these letters ?
P : By slitting them open....
B-J : If only I had the time.....I'm far too busy shredding incriminating documents about what I and committee members get up to 
P : My God !
B-J : My God indeed.....I need to split.....I'm down to play in this afternoon's duplicate against a load of bunnies and numpties
Judge : Yes....of course you can go......but only after parting with £5000 to pay for the fine I'm about to impose upon you
B-J : Bugger.....         

" HOW TO SURVIVE AND WIN AT BRIDGE "........BIGOT JOHNSON'S LONG AWAITED BOOK IS NOW IN PRINT

Yes, the bridge book that is destined to be the world's best seller has now finally come to fruition after several years of toil and sweat. Bigot Johnson, the  editor and creator of the infamous " Bad Bridge " magazine,  has produced what many are calling " amazing, utterly unbelievable ......groundbreaking material ". A treasury of ideas and advice based upon his vast experience, cunning and wisdom.
This is a book which can turn mere insignificant mortals into bridge legends. This is a book about how to dedicate your life to bridge, how to win at this game without necessarily having a single shred of ability, and how to survive in high octane, intense encounters of the third kind. This is a book for guilt ridden, overly timid, bunnies.
Its contents include :

• How to needle opponents into losing their focus and concentration
• How to watch your partner go down in a stone cold contract but still hold your composure
• How to still earn praise and admiration from others when you fail to make a contract 
• How to rationalise wasting 20 or more hours a week playing bridge
• How to rationalise spending even more hours a week on reading and discussing bridge related topics 
• How to communicate secretly with partner without the opponents ever knowing or suspecting
• How to hog the bidding when partnering a complete woodentop 
• How to keep your bridge widow of a wife reasonably contented
• How to develop a thick skin and a sharp tongue
• How to manipulate TDs to (a) accept your version of the disputed facts, (b) take your side in the dispute, and (c) award you a more than favourable ruling
• How to dump unwarranted partners who refuse to go of their own accord
• How to read the flight path of a fast approaching flying bridgemates and take evasive action
• How to tune your hearing into table conversations taking place several yards away
• How to get a really bad board scrubbed from the scoring,  by clever sleight of hand card replacement
• How to persuade the best players to take up your sponsorship offers  
• How to appear a far better player than you really are
• How to adopt proper etiquette when it clearly pays you to do so 
• How to successfully defend yourself at disciplinary hearings      

HAPPINESS IN BRIDGE.........( Article by Carp )

Strange as it may seem, bridge players are looked upon as a whinging, forlorn, downcast, miserable,  bunch of sour losers, given the expressions on their faces as they exit another tournament with little to cheer about. Indeed, bridge was once defined as " the most fun a person can have without laughing ". 
Nevertheless, I see bridge players with happy faces wherever I look, but I do acknowledge there are varying degrees of happiness..... from a flicker of joy to sustained merriment. Happiness is such an abstract concept,  it is very difficult to give a precise definition. However, one can be precise about what we observe at the bridge table. By studying players' stereo-typical table behaviour, one can start to unravel the true meaning of this word.

• A smile can sometimes start the proceedings, being nothing more than a whiff of optimism as a player sits down with his partner to play the first board 
• A fixed, feigned or fake smile religiously occurs when greeting new opponents 
• A grin usually occurs when a finesse works, or when trumps break favourably
• A hee-haw takes place when the opponents squander an advantage handed to them earlier on    
• A chuckle occurs when for the first time an attempted squeeze actually comes off
• A snicker occurs when an opponent's silly mistake hands you an easy top
• A guffaw occurs when an opponent allows you to make a singleton two of trumps 
• A smirk takes place when a player sticks one across his closest challenger , ex-partner, or club expert
• Crowing occurs when one good score is followed by another....and another 
• Repeated hoots of joy can be heard when yet another psych brings off a galactic top
• Laughter occurs when an anti-percentage bid or play results in a rather fortuitous top
• Huge belly laughs echo around the room when the opponents end up in a grand slam missing Aces and/or other key cards
• Outrageous roars can be heard for miles when seemingly competent opponents self-destruct on 3 consecutive boards 
• Extremely boisterous laughter occurs when successful players get together for a drink after the game to mock the unfortunate pairs who (a) made silly mistakes, (b) fell into cleverly laid traps, and (c) had good results converted by the TDs into bottoms for alleged breaches of the rules 
• Uncontrolled rip-roaring laughter continues well into the night when a completely false and fabricated complaint to a TD gets the alleged offender ( a long sworn enemy ) removed from the competition or tournament 

So yes, happiness is there to be seen in the game of bridge if people just simply keep their eyes and ears open.     

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ..............
( Many bridge players dismiss the concept of luck being a random factor, believing that good players make their own luck and therefore win on merit. But even in big tournaments no-hopers can have their day......and in such bizarre circumstances the only rational explanation can be     " What a pair of jammy bastards they are ! " . So here are a few well known " luck " idioms and phrases.....with appropriate definitions......which are commonly used by bridge players in the usual highly charged, bar room post mortems. )

• Bad luck : the usual explanation given for going off in a cold contract ,or being well down the field
• Good luck : a critical factor which is vehemently denied by unexpected winners, who have convinced themselves that success was born out of their superior ability and technique
• Hard luck : what players are left with after they have tried their very best 
• Beginner's luck : when an inexperienced player bids and plays like a prune only to triumph over top class experts
• Lady luck : that annoying bitch of a woman who all too often sits on the shoulders of one's opponents 
• Strike it lucky : when a random wild throw of a bridgemate unbelievably hits the person you hate the most
• Push one's luck : what unscrupulous players will do when their cheating, filthy, low down signalling system continues to be both successful and undetected
• Pot luck : when a random psych turns out to be highly profitable 
• Devil's luck : what cheats expect to get in return for selling their souls to Satan
• Chance one's luck : a blind or wild punt at a slam by a clueless but reckless bidder  

  

DR. JOHN's CASE NOTES : THE GOLDILOCKS SYNDROME

It is no accident that fairy tales have endured in Western civilization for many years. They are often viewed as a source of fundamental wisdom to some, and to others an insight to the weaknesses and failings of the human condition. Indeed, it is my contention that Goldilocks and bridge players have a great deal in common.  Several of my clients,  who come to me despairing of their lack of success but searching for answers, all have the classic symptoms of The Goldilocks Syndrome. These include :
(a) Failing to make the right initial choices. Time and time again their first bid or opening lead turns out to be the wrong choice. Consequently,  this constant pressing of the self-destruct button proves fatal,  and the victim gets repeatedly buried under an avalanche of horrendous bottoms. and below average scores.
(b) A perverse inability to take even basic precautions. Often, in playing a game contract it may be necessary to make appropriate safety plays, such as taking out trumps, eliminating side suits, and severing opponents' communications. By not recognizing or looking out for potential risks, GS sufferers ignore the idea of taking any precautions, and as a result they pay a heavy price when straightforward, easily makeable, contracts go off. 
(c) Pushing one's luck too far. In bridge, luck often plays a part in one's occasional moments of triumph and glory, but those with the Goldilocks Syndrome allow these rare episodes of good fortune to go to straight to their heads,  by drawing illogical conclusions. For instance, they start to associate winning with good luck, believing that's all they need to get by . So by relying on luck to obtain favourable results, they fail to focus on what is really needed to achieve success at this game: namely, talent, dedication, and hard work. 
So getting my clients out of the wood has never been easy task for me despite my expertise in the field. In fact,  more and more sufferers knock on my surgery door every week : half decent players who have eventually succumbed to bouts of impulsive, reckless and cavalier behaviour, as the Goldilocks child within them begins to break free.