BIGOT WRITES A LETTER OF COMPLAINT...............

Dear Bridge Club Committee,

You buggers are a load of stuck up, toffee-nosed, two-faced hypocrites. You come down on me time and time again for being " politically incorrect ", when you continually produce committee meeting minutes full of shockingly lewd language, and crude innuendos. The fact that you have recently banned me for 3 months just for adopting a bit of toilet humour on the club's bridge forum blog site beggars belief.

So please allow me to point out the outrageous double standards being applied here. Thankfully, I had both the wisdom and foresight to read on the notice board your last set of published minutes, before the anonymous graffiti boys got to work.

First off, our esteemed leader refers to himself as chairman. What sort of kinky sex fiend is he ? I ask you what does a " chair " man get up to......when a decent law abiding married man will always adopt a sensible missionary position. What this club needs as a leader is a normal, ordinary, everyday " bed " man. To top that ......the minutes refer to his side-kick as " vice " chair man, clearly suggesting that he too must have a liking for chair antics.....but well away from home, choosing the nearby red light district of Upper Hornby instead.

Then through the whole narrative, one cannot help but find countless references to toilet matters. Phrases like " passing motions ", " any other business " , " forcing motions through ", and " job assignments " appear everywhere . Such awful crap language : such blatant hypocrisy. Not to mention the constant use of the word " member ", as in phrases like " members sticking up for this or that " and " the need for more upstanding members to ". Surely to God, there are much better euphemisms you could use for an active one-eyed trouser snake.

Consequently, I want this committee to regard this letter as a formal written complaint about the politically incorrect language contained in its minutes. I therefore demand that you place on the notice board an open letter of apology, along side a cancellation notice of my ban....... which is accompanied, of course, with both a personal apology and an offer of £200 compensation.

Yours, having really got you over a barrel, good and proper this time.......... Howard Bigot-Johnson