Chairman : Bigot you have been brought back before this disciplinary sub-committee to answer a very serious charge indeed. The club steward claims that someone.......namely you......has drawn a man's whatsit on the newly painted men's toilet wall. Several witnesses are prepared to identify you as the culprit having seen you practice " the said drawing " on your scorecard repeatedly throughout the whole evening. This crude form of picture graffiti would be classified in any civilised society as both lewd and offensive. Have you anything to say at this juncture ?
B-J : No comment......although I would question whether bridge clubs are places where civilised people go
Chairman : So our poor over-worked club steward has been obliged to leave his other duties in order to get a wet cloth and rub the whatsit off. However, on your next return to the club......lo and behold.......an identical but slightly larger drawing has suddenly appeared on the same wall........in the same place. This meant for a second time the steward had the unpleasant task of rubbing off this vulgar and shocking image.
B-J : No comment.............although I would argue that every part of the human anatomy is a beautiful thing having been created in God's image
Chairman : Then, on your next visit to the club, yet another discovery of the drawing took place. This happened only minutes after someone remembered seeing you leaving the toilet with a felt tip pen in hand. However, this time not only was there a larger picture than before, but a message was written underneath it in big bold block capital letters : " DON'T YOU KNOW, THE HARDER YOU RUB IT THE BIGGER IT GETS "
B-J : No comment.............although I would argue that all your evidence against me is both flimsy and circumstantial
Chairman : Well, I have no option but regard your failure to deny the charge as a confession by default......entitling us, the committee, to impose a £500 fine on you......... instead of the usual 3 month ban. This of course is to cover the cost of cleaning and the installation of CCTV cameras throughout the premises. So now have you got anything to say ?.....................
B-J : Bugger.....