Thursday 30 September 2010

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )
( Bigot-Johnson was hauled before the Crown Court to face the most serious charge of his life : the murder of Pongo Pantopod, Percy's younger brother. On the night in question Pongo, who had been drafted in at the last moment to be Bigot's partner, proceeded to play bridge like a complete lemon. He successfully binned every contract he found himself as declarer, and not once did he ever lead suits that Bigot had bid. Their team contribution of minus 264 imps incensed Bigot so much, he dragged poor Pongo off to the potting shed ( behind the club's premises ) to hammer home some essential points about bidding and play. It was two days later that Pongo's battered body turned up in a compost heap . So what follows is a short extract from the trial's transcript, which covered a critical phase of the trial. Bigot as usual elected to defend himself. )
B-J : I would like to call Pongo Pantopod as my next witness..................
( A coffin is brought into court and laid across the witness box )
Judge : Bigot....this is most irregular. What can you possibly hope to achieve questioning a dead man ?
B-J : Your honour.......you don't seem to understand.......I can still communicate with him......even as a bridge player he was just about able to master the requirements of simple signalling
Judge : But your witness is dead .........
B-J : In medical terms yes......but his spirit has not vacated his body......and it is that which I can get in touch with..............
Judge : So he's not completely dead then ?
B-J : No...... he's not completely dead. Physically dead, yes. Certainly brain dead......well, that's been the case even when he was alive. But the spirit.... thank God...... is still hanging in there just...... for the purpose of establishing my innocence in the trial.
Judge : I don't quite get this.....If he's not completely dead, why is he in a coffin ?
B-J : Well, he's due at the crematorium in 2 hours time, so I would like to crack on with my questioning of this witness....
Judge : This is unprecedented...... but if you must
B-J : Pongo......listen carefully to my instructions. All my questions will simply require a yes or no answer. Bang once for "yes" and twice for "no"..................Pongo do you understand ?
( A single bang is heard from within the coffin )
Now Pongo.............Is it true that I didn't lay an actual finger upon your person ?
( Just one bang is heard )
I guess that wraps up the questioning .......and puts an end to the prosecution's case
Prosecutor : Not so quick Bigot..... because we aim to prove that you hit him from behind with a hammer
B-J : Pongo.....please now tell the court.......did I hit you with a hammer ?
( Two bangs reverberate from inside the coffin )
There.....the defence rests its case
Prosecutor : So what's that remote control gadget you have in your hand, Bigot ?
B-J : It's my comfort toy...
Judge : Let me see it.....
( Within seconds of fiddling around with the buttons, repeated bangs are heard from within the coffin. Bigot now looks extremely agitated ...)
Bigot-Johnson you are contemptuous cheat .... you have attempted to carry out a dastardly wicked plan to pervert the course of justice.....and I'm in no mood to be forgiving....
B-J : I'm buggered............

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