Friday, 10 September 2010

( In one of the most talked about trials in recent times, Bigot-Johnson was brought before Sheffield Crown Court to face charges, primarily under the Public Order Act 1986. As usual, he elected to conduct his own defence, and a short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Prosecutor ( P ) : Do you Bigot-Johnson recall an incident on the night of March 17th this year at Kingdom Hall, the temporary venue for the Walnut Tree Allotment Bridge Club's regular Thursday duplicates ? This, of course, was because your club premises......or should I say shed...... had been the target of a Percy Pantopod arson attack .
B-J : Vaguely.......but I regret selling a can of petrol to that lunatic arsonist !
Judge : Well, I never.....
P : Please allow me then to refresh your memory. That night you started whinging and wailing about your bad luck. So much so you started to blame God for all your woes. Then after your partner dropped a card face up on the table.....which the opponents were quick to accept......the doomed slam they were in now came rolling which point you dropped your pants ( gasps from the gallery ) for all and sundry to read the message that was tattooed on your naked posterior ( more gasps from around the courtroom ). This read " God always buggers me up big time ". ( Thuds began to interrupt gasps as spectators and jury members alike fainted and collapsed to the floor. ) Never in the history of bridge has any player behaved in such a contemptuous, reviling, scurrilous, and squalid way.
B-J : I was upset....
P : That gesture was made with provocative intent.......designed to upset your opponents, who happened to be devout Christians, keen church other words.....a right couple of prudish, pompous stuffed shirts. This extremely petulant and outrageous act my view,,,,,,and no doubt the jury's ........amounts to " religiously aggravated, intentional harassment, alarm or distress " ........a statutory offence under the Public Order Act of 1986.
Judge : I concur ......
B-J : Hold on a mo.....this is nothing more than a charge of blasphemy coming in through the back door. But is it not a fact that blasphemy was abolished only a few years ago ? Moreover, my gesture never intended to slag God off.....I merely wanted the world to know that good fortune is never on my side. I accept that my behaviour was a tad over the top, possibly rude and abusive.......certainly out of order......but there was no intent to ridicule or insult religion in any way, or bring religious beliefs or values into contempt. " God " was simply a synonym for Fate, Destiny, Bad Luck.......the dark forces that are out there constantly trying to screw me up........always thwarting my efforts to come first.... or to achieve some recognition or reward that my talents richly deserve.
Judge : Jesus, I think the court is now with you're on a roll.....
P : Excuse me.....this man's behaviour still adds up to " aggravated intentional harassment "
B-J : No way ......Let's get real here. Most bridge clubs, I am aware of, are renown for being institutions where this kind of behaviour goes on all the time......despite all attempts to enforce Best Behaviour At Bridge policies. It's not intentional's habit !!
Judge : Well, I never.....
B-J : And moreover, whatever happened to our fundamental right of free speech in a society that prides itself on liberal attitudes and tolerance. Tell me..... is anybody in today's world offended by a bare bum ? I think not. It's all good fun.....and I recommend it anybody.
Judge : You're right....
P : Well, not exactly.....this man still has another charge to answer....
Judge : And what might that me ?
P : Well, because the incident took place in a church hall, Bigot has committed an offence of " violent and/or indecent behaviour in a place of worship "......which I might add includes a church hall. Indeed, I have documents here which verify that Kingdom Hall has been certified as such, under the Places Of Worship Registrations Act 1855.
Judge : Goodness gracious me....that puts Bigot well and truly in the frame. No choice here but to advise the jury that the accused is as guilty as hell........and certainly well up for a custodial sentence.
B-J : Oh bugger
( As Bigot tries to pull his trousers down for a second time, two beefy, rather hefty looking court officials quickly intervene to lead him away down to the cells. )

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